When it comes to appearances, everyone has a slightly different opinion about what makes them comfortable when they go out.
In some countries, it’s a matter of principle to be well-dressed before even going to the grocery store, pointed out the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
But Redditor No-Mycologist-671 didn’t agree with his wife’s commitment to doing her makeup before going out.
On a day he was busy with other tasks, the Original Poster (OP) decided it was time to be honest with his wife about her appearance.
He asked the sub:
“AITA for telling my wife that people don’t give a d**n about her looks?”
The OP didn’t agree with his wife’s use of makeup.
“My wife is in the habit of always putting on makeup whenever she has to go outside.”
“In the three years we’ve been married, I’ve never seen her leave the house without any makeup on. Even if she had to go to the neighbor’s house, she’d still put on her makeup.”
“I’ve spoken to her about this many times as I find it absurd, to say the least.”
“But the only answer I get from her is that she just likes to take extra care of the way looks.”
“It gets even more frustrating whenever our plans are delayed because she spends so much time on her makeup.”
The OP especially wasn’t in the mood for it recently.
“Yesterday, my wife had to go to the supermarket and asked me if I could take her there.”
“She’s too nervous to drive ever since she had a minor traffic accident over a year ago, so I have to drive her around.”
“I had a lot of work piled up for that day and I didn’t want to be disturbed when I was in the middle of it, so I said that we’d have to go right then and return within an hour.”
“She said okay, and sat down to put on her makeup.”
“I was p**sed when I saw that and told her that we had to hurry since I knew she’d take more than 40 minutes at the supermarket, and the drive to the supermarket could take anywhere between 5-10 minutes.”
“Five minutes went by and she was still not ready; said she was putting on the finishing touches.”
“That’s when I lost it and yelled at her. I said that people didn’t give a d**n about how she looked and that she should stop deluding herself and wasting my time.”
The OP’s wife didn’t take this well.
“For a moment, she just stared at me. Then, she broke down and started sobbing.”
“We didn’t go to the supermarket, needless to say.”
“Also, she hasn’t been talking to me at all since yesterday.”
“I don’t know what to make of the situation. On the one hand, I feel bad for her, but on the other hand, I feel like she was being unreasonable and needed a wake-up call.”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some agreed with the OP that his wife’s behavior was likely annoying.
“Honestly, I think you’re both a**holes.”
“She wants to put on makeup to leave the house? She has every right to look the way she wants.”
“Does that mean she should ignore your busy schedule and take her sweet time? No. If she wanted to go to the store, she should have been ready to go when she asked you.”
“Should you have told her she’s deluding herself if she thinks people give a s**t about her face? No. It sounds like the makeup is really for her own self-esteem.”
“She should be more conscientious of other peoples’ time and you should try to appreciate her liking being made up to go out.” – maygoosetah
“‘Finishing touches’ is a stall tactic of a phrase. I say this as a woman, too. My mom constantly made us late when I was a kid and she would always say something like that. It sucked a lot.” – flower-of-telperion
“That could not actually be the ‘finishing touches’ at all and the entire process could in fact take much longer.”
“A person who doesn’t know anything about makeup would most likely take that statement at face value and not be able to know the difference, but in reality, she might have just finished putting on foundation and have another 20 minutes to go. And that doesn’t account for accidents that may take even longer to fix.”
“It’s a tactic to placate the other person and buy more time, akin to when people say, ‘I’m right down the street, I’ll be there soon,’ but they’re actually at a drive-through getting coffee or just then leaving the house and most definitely will not be there in the time it takes to drive down that one street.” – IffyKitten
But others were more concerned with how poorly the OP handled the situation.
“I understand being frustrated that she doesn’t practice time management when getting ready; that would be annoying.”
“But dude. You have no idea what it’s like to be a woman in today’s world, where we are constantly scrutinized and judged based on our looks. She wants to feel confident and pretty – let her.”
“Just sit down and have a conversation about time management. Also, you owe her a H**L of an apology for how you reacted. Like, a groveling level apology.” – abook-aday131
“YTA. I don’t know your wife’s situation, but I was bullied as a kid for my acne and as a result, I hardly ever leave the house without makeup, because even at 30 I still suffer from it. Your wife might have a deeply rooted reason that impacts her confidence.”
“By telling her nobody cares how she looks, you’re telling her that even when she puts on makeup nobody will notice her in a positive way. I know you don’t mean it that way, but that’s how I would take it if it was said to me.”
“Like I said, that’s my opinion from my own experience, so take it with a grain of salt. But I’d be really hurt.” – wyominglove
“Are you the AH for yelling at your wife? Yes!”
“Are you the AH for telling her no one cares about how she looks? Yes!”
“So for the questions you asked and the point of the post, YTA most definitely.”
“Now, have you had a conversation with your wife about respecting other’s time? In the specific situation, she asked last minute (I assume) for the ride.”
“If she had asked ahead of time and you both had agreed upon a time, she should be ready to go at that time. You say she is always late because she is putting makeup on… talk to her about planning ahead. NOT about the makeup itself.”
“Respect her wishes on how she wants to present herself but talk to her about planning ahead so she doesn’t inconvenience others.”
“Still, absolutely does not excuse the shitty way you handled it and does not excuse your attitude towards her preferences. Not everything is about you.” – poochonmom
Some also thought the wife needed an apology and more.
“I had acne as a teenager too plus another bout in my mid-20s. While it’s all been gone entirely for over a decade (I’m 40 now), thankfully, and I really have great skin now, it took me YEARS to – literally – be comfortable in my skin, with make-up and even more so without.”
“I am today, and wearing make-up is now an exception. However, for like 15, 20 years I had zero confidence, didn’t turn on the bathroom lights because I didn’t want to properly see my skin even years after it had completely cleared up etc., and going anywhere without make-up was absolutely inconceivable.”
“It is fascinating how deep this discomfort was for so long and to this date, when I find like one tiny pimple once in a blue moon, even if I’m the only one seeing it, I immediately freak out and cover it up with make-up. I remember how someone once negatively commented on my skin and make-up when I was still very young (18), and how deeply that hurt me and how long that hurt lingered.”
“So if I read someone puts so much effort in every time they leave the house, I can’t help but reach a similar assumption, i.e. there may be issues of confidence that go a lot deeper and definitely beyond putting on lipstick for the sake of it.”
“By doing what OP did, he may have inadvertently hurt her in a way he didn’t realize. Her reaction would certainly suggest that. He may not have known and while wanting to address one issue, he lashed out via another.”
“It was highly insensitive either way – especially factoring in what is clearly a trauma after her accident, which also needs to be addressed.”
“Of course I may be wrong. But even if there are no real issues, even if she just likes to look nice and thinks she looks prettier with make-up (independent of whether that’s true or not in his eyes), it’s a shit move to yell at her for it.”
“So OP pretty much messed up either way.” – SamaireB
“I thought about confidence too. If she refuses to leave the house without makeup, then there’s a reason. Point blank. Simple as that. Instead of asking why she feels she needs it and talking with her, op yells at her and tells her it means nothing.”
“I would be devastated.” – timeladyofearth
“I have been diagnosed with body dysmorphic disorder and when it was at its most severe I couldn’t go anywhere without putting makeup on, even if I was literally just going to pick up a coffee or go through a drive-thru. I felt ashamed being in public spaces because of the way I looked.”
“For her, maybe it is just vanity and she needs to be more respectful of OP’s time, but it may also be an indicator of a more serious self-esteem issue.” – Both-Buddy-1385
“I am lucky if I can get just my lipstick right in six minutes some days. I was expecting some elaborate routine/timetable and that’s not what OP’s is wife seems to be doing.”
“I used to never leave the house without makeup myself and it was all insecurity. So having someone I love yell at me this way in a pretty low-pressure situation would absolutely crush me.”
“I haven’t gone through any comments if there are any so it may be answered, but I also really want to know how minor the wife’s accident was. I have almost gotten into accidents that would have been BAD bad and been a wreck, and my boyfriend has insisted on driving me where I need to be until my nerves are less frazzled so I don’t get into a serious accident.”
“I get how this could wear thin on OP after a year, but any kind of accident can be traumatic enough to make driving exceptionally scarier than it was previously.” – livlivesforbrains
While some could understand the OP’s frustration with waiting for his wife to get ready, most raised their eyebrows at how he handled the situation. Yelling at a partner over something like this wouldn’t exactly make the person get ready faster, and now there are no groceries in the house.