When people decide to spend the rest of their lives together, there’s a lot to compromise on. How you handle negativity from family is something that needs to be discussed.
When randomuser0372 had an issue between his wife and his parents, he tried to have his cake and eat it too.
Though his “traditional” parents and “feminist” wife didn’t see eye-to-eye, the original poster (OP) thought he could have his parents over to see his daughter without issue.
But that didn’t go as well as he’d have hoped, so he has to ask the “Am I the A**hole” (AITA) subReddit if he was wrong.
“AITA for having my daughter see my parents?”
This is how he explains it:
“My daughter is 13. I am married to my wife who has very feminist values. I also have my parents who are very traditional.”
“My parents are extremely strict and can come off as cold but deep down they are loving, they don’t show it as much. They are the authoritarian type, just like when I was growing up but I learned to respect my parents even if I was unhappy with them, and I’m a stronger person for it.”
“I know my parents don’t like my wife and they make it very clear. If she had her way she would cut them off from us and I know how unhappy they make her but they are my parents and I would never abandon them.”
“My daughter has made it clear from the time she was little that she hates my parents. She would cry and refuse to get in the car to go see them so I would have them over.”
“They aren’t cruel but they will put their foot down when my daughter acts up. They don’t let her speak unless she is spoken to first.”
“They often judge what my daughter wears and does.”
“I usually have had them over when my wife is at work so she won’t speak up about them like she has in the past. I know my daughter doesn’t like it but I want her to at least be able to see her grandparents and I hope she will be glad she did.”
“Yesterday my daughter revealed to my wife that for the past few years I have been having my parents over a few times a month. My wife originally thought I was having them over only once a month and wasn’t making our daughter have anything to do with them.”
“My wife is pissed that I have been lying to her which I understand. But now she is saying to completely cut contact with my parents and never bring them around again. Despite their flaws, I deeply respect and love my parents.”
“My daughter chimed in, sobbing and saying that I should put my parents in a nursing home and leave them to die and when they die she will stomp and dance on their grave.”
“I’m at a crossroad right now. My wife and daughter are sobbing and pissed at me and want me to abandon my parents, the people who gave me life and shaped me into the man I am today.”
The AITA board has posters tell their stories and receive judgement for how they reacted or the choice they made.
This is done with the following comments:
- NTA – Not the A**hole
- YTA – You’re the A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everybody Sucks Here
OP knew on some level that what he did was wrong, which is likely why he hid it. Even with OP’s more generous description, his parents sound abusive.
The board said YTA to OP.
“So your parents are abusive, they hate your wife, your daughter hates them because they don’t treat her with any respect…And your response is to declare loyalty to your parents and sneakily force your daughter to see them behind your wife’s back? For years?”
“Yeah. YTA. Pick who you want to be loyal to; your family or your parents. You can’t have both and your family is going to leave you if you keep trying.” – BirthdayCookie
“Their own granddaughter is planning to dance on their graves and broke down sobbing but her feelings are invalid as as his wife’s.”
“Visit them by yourself op but leave your wife and daughter out of it.”
“They don’t like your parents and you will lose any relationship with your daughter if you don’t respect her feelings” – Slow_Owl
“YTA. You’ve made terrible choices that have degraded your wife and you’ve allowed your child to be emotionally abused.”
“Do you hate women? Or is it just the women in your family?”
“‘I’ll never abandon my mommy even if she abuses my wife and daughter’” is not just massively co-dependent. You’ve failed your bare minimum requirements as a husband and father, and you’ve become an abuser yourself.” – PrimishDirective
The comments about OP’s parents weren’t initially well received.
Instead, OP started off defensive.
“YTA – Well, you may not have abandoned your parents, but you most certainly have abandoned the well-being of an impressionable teenager.”
“She’s wanting to stomp and dance on their graves should be loud and clear that she was seeing your parents against her will. Her comment is most disturbing.” – cross-examine115
“Oh please. Abandoning my daughter who I see and spend time with every day?”
“Apart from seeing her grandparents sometimes she is the happiest kid ever. I make it a point to spend time with her every single day when I’m done with work and we spend time together on the weekends” – randomuser0372 (OP)
“Do you realize how messed up your thought process is? You committed to your wife when you got married but you’ll allow your parents speak down upon her and your child.”
“It’s clear you don’t want any resolution to this.” – martin-sugar
“Of course I want resolution to this. But I want my wife and daughter to see the good side to my parents and I’m sick of my wife instigating.”
“They both need to learn not everyone will agree with them and we can all be civil” – randomuser0372 (OP)
However, the consistent message from all the other users got to OP who started to see the light.
“YTA. You lied to your wife and forced your daughter to waste time with these loathsome individuals.”
“The emotional outburst about dancing on graves is warranted given what she’s endured. You sound like a horrible father & husband.” – chrkaivan
“Honestly, after some thought and reading all these comments and DMs, I need to make some changes.”
“I don’t want to drive my daughter away. It’s gonna be hard to put my foot down but I have to put my wife and child first.” – randomuser0372 (OP)
This led to an update to the original post.
“EDIT 1 – Wow. The comments and DMs have really gotten to me. I love my daughter and my wife more than anything and I know I have made some big mistakes.”
“One of which was lying to my wife and not defending her or my daughter.”
“Which going forward I will set boundaries with my parents. I don’t plan on cutting them off but nobody will be made to see them.”
“I owe huge apologies to my wife and daughter. It’s late here but when they wake up I will talk to them”
At least OP eventually realized his mistake. Hopefully the family can move forward from this and maybe it will even teach OP’s parents a lesson.