When dating, some of us naturally struggle with trust and confidence in a relationship, while others might learn to have trouble with it over time because of unfaithful partners.
Having issues with trust in relationships should not immediately impact new partners, however, if we expect the relationship to go anywhere, pointed out the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor ShabzSparq was newly married and several months into her pregnancy when she discovered that her husband was trying to test how loyal she was to him.
But when she discovered that his "loyalty test" involved her ex, the Original Poster (OP) was furious and found herself questioning if she really knew her partner.
She asked the sub:
"Am I overreacting for being upset that at four months pregnant, my husband is catfishing my ex to 'test me'?"
The OP felt furious and betrayed by what her husband had done.
"I don't even know where the f**k to begin. I'm four months pregnant, and instead of feeling safe and cared for, I feel like I'm living with a stranger... no, worse, with a manipulative coward."
"Last night, I found out my husband was texting my ex from my own phone, pretending to be me while I was asleep."
"Let that sink in. The timing of the messages lined up perfectly with when I was knocked out, so he wouldn't get caught."
"He wasn't just snooping... this a**hole was baiting my ex into saying things no married woman should ever have to see on her own d**n phone."
"And the worst part? My ex responded. Not just some casual 'what's up,' but pouring his heart out like an id**t, saying he never forgot me, that he imagines about us, that he wished he could meet me 'just once.'"
"I literally sat there at 6:34 AM, staring at my phone, my hands shaking, realizing my own husband had engineered this entire sick little drama behind my back."
You can see the screenshots of the conversation the OP's husband shared with her ex.
Pretending to be the OP, the OP's husband asked her ex:
"Hey, Do you ever think about what we had?"
The OP's ex replied:
"Uh, what? Why are you asking me this now??"
The OP's husband texted:
"I miss how easy things were with you, way different from now."
The OP's ex was flabbergasted.
"Ahh, please, why [does] this matter now?"
"Aren't you married!"
The OP's husband continued:
"I wonder if I made the right choice."
The OP's ex was hurt by the messages.
"Don't say that."
"[You] don't know what that does to me."
"I would have run to you if things were different."
u/ShabzSparq/Reddit
The OP's husband would not let up.
"So you still want me??"
The OP's ex was pouring his heart out.
"Always did and always will."
"If you mean what [you] are saying??"
"I mean, we can meet, I'll come to you."
"The OP's husband pressed:
"Are you really serious about me?"
The OP's ex confessed:
"Yeah, I keep looking at your pictures [from] time to time."
The OP's husband teased him:
"And if we meet... What happens then?"
The OP's ex sounded like he was ready to go all in.
"Then we stop pretending, I guess."
"No more what-ifs, just you and me like we used to be."
The OP's husband clarified:
"You would really want that after [so] many years?"
The OP's ex was certain:
"I never forget you."
"I imagine about us all the time."
u/ShabzSparq/Reddit
The OP felt deeply betrayed.
"I always thought I was marrying a wise, calm man. That's how he acted in the six months before marriage. A total gentleman."
"But now? He's turned into this insecure, paranoid little boy who plays twisted, fed-up games."
"And it's not just him. His whole d**n family is cut from the same cloth. Sneaky, cunning, toxic. Every word they ever said about being 'good people' feels like a f**king joke now."
The OP was furious that he was questioning her loyalty to him.
"I got pregnant partly to make him feel secure, to build a real family with him."
"And instead? Instead, I feel trapped. Instead of love, I get control. Instead of trust, I get betrayal. Instead of safety, I get mind games from a man who's supposed to protect me."
"And the irony? He has the audacity to say this is a 'loyalty test.' A LOYALTY TEST?!"
"You insecure piece of s**t. I married you. I'm carrying your baby. And you think the way to test my loyalty is to impersonate me and stir up s**t with my ex?"
The OP wasn't sure what to do next.
"Now I don't even know who the h**l to trust. I don't know if I should bring an innocent child into this circus of lies and manipulation. How the h**l do I raise a baby in a family where respect, trust, and decency don't even exist?"
"All I ever wanted was a real partner. A man. A protector. Someone I could lean on while carrying his child."
"Instead, I got a paranoid, toxic, insecure boy who thinks playing mind games is what marriage is."
"Honestly, when I look at him now, I don't even see my husband. I see a stranger I'm disgusted to share a bed with."
"AIO?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NOR: Not Overreacting
- YOR: You're Overreacting
Some reassured the OP that this was weird behavior, and she needed to leave him.
"Loyalty test on who?? He's testing the ex, not you, which is patently ridiculous as well as a useless exercise for the marriage. This man sounds like a low-IQ POS. Hope the kid doesn't inherit much from his side." - ProfessionalWay3864
"I don't even understand what he thought he would do after. Or how this would go well with you. There's no way you wouldn't know this happened because it's your phone, too. Makes me wonder if he did some other s**t over the time you were together that you don't even know, because you're actually loyal, so he couldn't tell you." - ExpressionLazy6698
"NOR. Don't have this baby. You married him after only 6 months? You don't even know this guy."
"Having a baby was your way to fix the relationship? Absolutely asinine, children are a tremendous responsibility and extremely stressful - not like getting a pet fish so you have something together."
"He will probably claim the texts were YOU if you try to divorce. This is abusive, manipulative behavior, and if you don't find a way out, you will be a victim for the rest of your life." - Intelligent-Jump1823
"This loyalty testing excuse makes no sense. You don't test your partner's loyalty by contacting your ex with their own phone. If he had contacted OP pretending to be the ex, it would have been a minimum of logic, but now, it makes no f**king sense."
"The only logical thing he can do with his message is to use it against her, or he's completely stupid, I only see these options, but in both cases we can see that this guy is just a manipulator and a liar who hides his game well, seriously never in life in OP's place I would want to give a child to this man, either it would make him unhappy or exactly like him." - S**tPostPete
"OP, as a retired therapist/social worker very familiar with domestic abuse, the only thing I could add is that your husband may be projecting. He may be having an affair and throwing up smoke screens to distract and destabilize you."
"Men are more likely to cheat on their wives when they're pregnant than at any other time. Pretty tragic. I'd be snooping on his phone but don't get caught." - becuzz-l-sed
"The OP needs to leave (if safe), and quickly, to an undisclosed location. Her ex-boyfriend absolutely needs to be informed of this, as this could go one of two ways."
"Either her husband doesn't believe what he wrote, and was using it purely to manipulate OP, or, more likely in my opinion, his thoughts will spiral about OP and ex, and her husband will assume she is hiding out at his place. Ex needs to be aware to call the police on sight."
"This is a very unfortunate situation, OP, and very awkward sadly, but by being prepared, hopefully everyone gets out of this safely."
"None of this is your fault, I hope you realise this, as often abusers make their victims feel responsible for their wild behaviour. We all have your back. Please be safe." - incrediblepepsi
Others were more concerned by how quickly the OP had married him.
"How long have you been with this person? Shotgun wedding?" - irongold-strawhat
"You married a guy after six months of knowing him/dating? I'm not surprised he turned out to be a wrong one, to be honest."
"This is pretty close to unforgivable territory, in my opinion, because it's a complete violation, betrayal, and unhinged behaviour all wrapped up, let alone while you're pregnant. Run, don't walk away from this man." - Glum_Home_8172
"My mom says, 'You should see a person in all seasons,' meaning, you never really know anyone until you've seen them when it's nice and sunny or when things are hard and cold or chilly, yet comfortable."
"You really don't know someone until you've seen how they are in all 'seasons' of life." - SeaNature4646
"I hate to sound like a parrot, but SIX MONTHS? You don't know anyone in that family. You don't know that man."
"You also decided to get pregnant to make him feel better? What? Children are f**king HUMANS, dude. You don't bring humans into this world to satiate someone else's need. Children deserve love, not emotional baggage, before they're even born."
"You can't do much besides give the baby up for adoption or keep it. I can't even believe I'm suggesting that for anyone because adoption is f**king terrible, but if you're not having this child because you want to love it, it may be better off. Never create life unless YOU want it."
"You need to get away from this man and his family. Does your family know, and do you have a support system to go to? You need to make sure your family or someone close is aware of what's going on because this guy is loony tunes!"
"I would leave ASAP, and if possible, see if you can stay with someone else, like parents. Good luck." - seriusly_serius
Some were concerned that the OP's husband was turning abusive now that she was pregnant, or that he was collecting "evidence" to get full custody of their future baby.
"You should know that many victims of domestic violence and coercive control first start experiencing this when pregnant, or shortly after marriage." - effefille
"She should text that these messages came from her husband and call to apologize so he hears it from her voice and knows what to believe. But she should then text that same information to him to have it in writing."
"It's very important that there is written documentation that her husband sent those messages to her ex, not OP."
"I think he did it to have evidence against OP that he can use against her at a later date, as a way to blackmail OP. If she wasn't doing what he wanted, he could blackmail her with it by threatening to show loved ones, etc., to paint her in a really bad light and turn everyone against her."
"Although the best way to protect herself is to get her husband to admit he did it via text. On top of text messages to the ex explaining it was her husband." - Cocomelon3216
"OP should record every conversation she has with her husband and file for divorce. He will admit to this and blackmail her. She needs to record all day, every day."
"OP, I married a conniving, manipulative liar. I have a child with him. The custody battle has been THREE years now. You don't want this life. You don't want a child living this life."
"Terminate if you still can. I'm sorry to be blunt, but there is not a day that goes by that I don't feel guilt for bringing my child into this world with this manipulator as his father. You know how some people will say that they would only terminate if the baby were going to have that poor of a quality of life? This counts."
"Get out ASAP… and always record. You WILL need it." - Longjumping-Pick-706
"He says loyalty test, but the implications are honestly worse. It doesn't look like a test; it looks more like evidence to use against OP. He's using her phone to contact the ex, speaking as her, and could easily take pics of this conversation as blackmail."
"It could be evidence of infidelity, evidence with family, to turn friends against her, and honestly, to alienate and justify what he does. I admit, it is a bit of a step I took, but I tend to look at the long term." - H0w14514
"Leave him and raise the baby with the ex. I'm joking of course, but seriously, leave him. He's not good in the head, and your child will thank you."
"I'm assuming it's too late to abort at this point, but hopefully the court will side with you and give you full custody. No child wants a father like this."
"I am talking from personal experience; they will thank you by growing up to be a functional, mature, and sane individual, and they will be severely affected if they have unsupervised, unlimited contact with a man like this." - Nonbinarygaykid
The subReddit was confused by what the OP's husband was trying to accomplish and could only imagine the worst for the OP if she did not leave him very soon and also inform her ex about what had actually happened, no matter how uncomfortable the conversation might be.
This wasn't the type of marriage that any person deserved to remain in, and it definitely wasn't a conducive environment to raise a child.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.