After getting married, it is generally assumed that you will share everything with your spouse.
An understandable idea in theory, but in the end a little far-fetched.
As some people have personal or precious items that they never intend to share with anyone, even their spouses.
On a more cynical note, some people also like to plan should their marriage not survive.
Redditor Old_Concentrate_4952 had hit something of a rough patch with her husband.
As a result, the original poster (OP) was taking into account what was rightfully hers.
Including a major new purchase she was in the process of, which she very consciously wanted to make sure was hers, and not her husband's.
Wondering if she would be wrong for doing this, the OP took to the subReddit "Would I Be The A**Hole" (WIBTA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
"WIBTA for not putting my husband on the title?"
The OP explained why she was considering excluding her husband from a major purchase:
"I (28 F[emale]) am currently purchasing a new construction home, and the mortgage and loan are completely under my name, as I am the only one qualifying for it and am financially responsible."
"My husband (32 M[ale]) could not be added to the application or loan due to bad credit."
"If he were to be included on the loan, we would not have qualified."
"My husband and I have had some tough times over the last few years, and because of this, I am having a difficult time considering putting him on the title of the house."
"He is not helping me acquire this house, as he is not helping with the down payment, loan, or closing costs, and I would still be fully responsible if something were to go wrong."
"I am fully responsible, but he is insisting that I put him on the title, saying that financial responsibility should not be the only factor in home ownership."
"I am not trying to be vindictive or assume that things will go wrong, but I also do not want to be foolish or unrealistic, especially considering how things have been going with my husband lately."
"Part of me thinks that when you are married, you automatically share things, but another part of me does not feel comfortable putting his name on something he did not contribute to achieving."
"All of our finances are in completely separate accounts."
"We have never had joint accounts of any kind."
"So… WIBTA for not putting my husband on the title of a house that I'm buying on my own?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community generally agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for refusing to put her husband's name on the deed to her house.
Some who had trouble sympathizing with her, pointing out that even if she didn't put his name on the lease, being her husband, he could still claim some ownership of the house should they get divorced:
"YTA to yourself if you think not putting him on the loan or title means he gets nothing if you split."
"Everything done during the marriage by either spouse or both spouses belongs to the marriage equally."
"If you buy the house today, only your name on the title and mortgage, only you make payments, he still gets half if you divorce next year."
"The only way to avoid this is with a post nuptial agreement."- virtualchoirboy
"It literally does not matter, you are purchasing a home while married."
"That is a marital asset and he will be entitled to half regardless (unless you have an INSANELY specific pre-nup)."
"So YTA here, if you don't trust your husband that much you should probably cut your losses."- Fit-Struggle7990
While others agreed that not putting her husband's name on the lease wouldn't avoid future problems, they otherwise felt that the OP had every right to not put her husband's name on the deed, even if they urged her to seek legal counsel or simply put an end to this marriage:
"NTA, but if you're married, assets are shared unless you have a prenup."
"Reconsider this purchase at all."- OpenPerspective1067
"NTA."
"Absolutely do NOT do this."
"In fact, if you want to move forward with both the marriage and the house, get yourself straight to an attorney and have a post-nuptial agreement drawn up!"- RainierCherree
"Divorce, then buy."
"NTA."- hopelesscaribou
"NTA, but you need to talk to a lawyer about this!"
"In some states, he may still have a community interest in the home if you divorce, even though his name is not on it."
"You are not as protected as you think by merely keeping his name off the title."- JeepersCreepers74
"NTA."
"Be aware that even if he is not on the title he may be entitled to a portion of the home's value when you divorce."
"State law and your judge will decide this issue if there is a dispute."
"You know that this isn't a good marriage, don't complicate things by buying a house before the divorce."- Fun-Holiday9016
"NTA."
"If you feel that your marriage may be declining, I'd suggest not putting him on the title."
"When my marriage was failing (and I knew it), I made some similar investment decisions (we each had 'mad money', but I was putting mine into an investment account."
"His went to buy expensive sunglasses and sneakers."- Spiritual_Cry3316
"NTA."
"You seemingly have a good head on your shoulders and you've worked hard to get to where you are credit wise and financially."
"Don't let him pressure you into doing something that will risk that when your choices have never failed you thus far."- Ld733k
"NTA."
"For not putting him on there, but understand that just bc his name isn't on the deed doesn't mean he's not entitled to 50% of the equity if/when you get divorced."
"But it will make it much easier for you to keep the house in the divorce without having to refinance and retitle the deed."
"He'll still be entitled to half and you'll need to pay him out in some way (refinance, HELOC, cash buy out, etc)."- iiiiitsweslie
"NTA, but does it matter?"
"Are you using some form of non-marital money to fully pay for the house?"
"If you are using your salary or other marital funds, and you split, it's half his house anyways in most places."
"Unless you are using inheritance or premarital assets."
"Even then."
"He's eventually going to contribute to upkeep probably."- Zhentilftw
"NTA, but honestly, check out the laws for your state in marital assets."
"If you weren't married YET, it may remain your own home, but nine states are community property states, and I think 4 others are optional, usually going in the way of community."
"The other states are Equitable, which means that because you are married, your husband is probably still entitled to a portion of the home, regardless of title."
"However, if you get a good attorney, you may be able to get an agreement that works if things do go south."
"Check to see the community property laws and if you live in a state with them, and additionally, consult an attorney to see if you can sign a post nuptial regarding the house if things were to happen."- JGalKnit
"NTA!"
"You better not."
"It's pay to play!"- EffectiveGold8273
"You're getting into legal issues - joint ownership, marital property, and all the rest."
"If you don't want to include him in the deed, you probably need some sort of legal agreement stipulating that he has no interest in the property."
"YWNBTA - but I think you need to talk to an attorney."
"If you think your marriage is at risk (you said 'considering how things have been going...lately'), you DEFINITELY need to consult an attorney about this home purchase - or any other major purchase/investment."- wesmorgan1
"NTA."
"I'm not sure why you are even still married to him but you are definitely smart not putting him on the title."
"Depending where you live, he may still be entitled to half because you are married and the house was bought while you were married."
"I honestly don't know why anyone would be married to someone they could not financially join with."- violetlisa
"NTA."
"Money is without a doubt the most important factor in home ownership in this economy."
"If the marriage is going badly you might want to find out if you can get a post-nup to exclude the house from being his at all."
"If he was some super construction guy who was going to re-model the entire house himself, then maybe he should have his name on the deed, but it's a new construction so I don't see that happening."
"Why does he even want his name on the deed?"
"Because the house is worth money and he wants to have a stake in that money."
"He doesn't want to put money in but he wants to take money out."
"Look, you are 28."
"You've been having trouble for a few years, so since you were 25?"
"Your marriage hasn't been happy since your brain fully developed?"
"And now he wants to own a house without having to buy a house, and you can see the end in site and that part of your brain that has probably been pushing you to end things for awhile now is screaming at you not to let him have a piece of this house."
"Listen to your gut."
"This guy is never going to get his financial ducks in a row, and he may be sweet and charming and fun but he can still make your life miserable by being bad with money."
"Don't give this up."- Music_withRocks_In
One can understand why the OP is hesitant to put her husband's name on the lease.
What the OP doesn't seem to understand, however, is that doing so won't solve her problems like she thinks they will.
Least understandable of all, however, is that if the OP finds her husband as untrustworthy as she does, why does even stay in this marriage?
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp