Inheriting money is a bittersweet, delicate issue.
As nice as it is to be gifted any amount of money, the circumstances of getting it are less than celebratory.
While deep down, most people ultimately do the responsible thing and save inherited money or put it to good use, resisting the temptation to splurge on a vacation or an extravagant item remains a challenge.
Perhaps the most awkward circumstance surrounding an inheritance is jealous people who feel the money should have gone to them and make no secret about it.
When Redditor Every-Bat9568 was widowed after his first wife's passing, his wife left behind a substantial amount of money.
Money which the original poster (OP) had very specific plans for.
However, the OP's second wife felt there were other ways his late wife's money could be used.
When the OP refused these suggestions, his wife made no secret of how unfair she felt his decision was.
Wondering if this was the case, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where he asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for keeping my late wife's money aside for my our children?"
The OP explained why his wife was so upset by how he chose to use the money left to him by his late wife:
"I lost my late wife when our children were young."
"She had money that was hers (we had joint and separate finances)."
"Anything that was her separate finances is being saved for our children."
"Where the question of this comes in is I have remarried, and I have a stepchild and another biological child with my present wife."
"She was always aware that I consider this money for the children I had with my late wife only."
"But recently she feels it's unfair because they have money set aside for the future that will at least help get them started after they turn 18 while we sometimes had to make sacrifices due to inflation, etc."
"The latest thing was my stepdaughter wanted to join these dance classes that would help in her dream of professional dancing."
"We could not afford those specific dance classes."
"My wife was upset."
"She wanted to do this so badly for my stepdaughter."
"And for those who'll ask, the bio father is not in the picture and has not been found, so he can pay child support, and yes, he was searched for on more than one occasion, but my wife has no idea where her ex is."
"She wanted to know why there's money set aside for just two of the kids for their future instead of using it now to make our lives easier."
"I told her my late wife wanted this for them and I believe the money should be spent on my children with my late wife anyway."
"I told her we still had a good life."
"We just didn't have all the luxuries."
"And like a lot of families we struggled when inflation hit but we were still doing good."
"My wife cannot access this money by the way and I know that will also be asked."
"I also have arrangements made in case something happens to me."
"My wife then said that we could pay for extra curricular's for all four kids out of the money and have that off our minds and we could get back to saving, etc."
"I said no."
"She told me I'm acting like my late wife had left a will with instructions, which she didn't, and she also accused me of treating my stepdaughter and my youngest child like they are less deserving."
"I said the money is not mine."
"It was my late wife's, and it will be our children's, and my wife should stop treating it as anything else."
"She told me I'm being very unreasonable."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
The Reddit community overwhelmingly agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for saving his late wife's money to be used by the two children he had with her.
Everyone agreed that the OP's second line was missing the bigger picture.
He was honoring his first wife's dying wish by saving her money for their two children, which was not "unreasonable" in the slightest.
"NTA."
"The inheritance from your deceased wife was a premarital asset."
"It's not in the 'our' money pot."
"It's in the 'my' money pot, and you have been saving it for the children you had with your first wife."
"Your wife doesn't have to like it, but it is what it is."
"She's not entitled to use the money."- Peony-Pony
"NTA."
"And just wrap the money up in a formal trust for your two children whose mother passed."
"Have it time limited to 25 when they get it, and only from 18 for education."
"Your wife will need to get a job to fund your stepdaughter's extras and get over herself."
"I'd suggest a few sessions of couples therapy to get on the same page."- TickityTickityBoom
"I'd say it's unfair these children have to grow up without their mother, and money isn't love, but it helps that it's their mother's money that gives them a head start in life."
"And yes, she is 'their mom' now, but it's not the same thing."
"NTA."- Drazilou
"NTA."
"This money was from your late wife and it is for the children you both had together."
"It is not for any stepchildren or other children you might have with someone else."
"If it was a need, (like a medical issue maybe), I could possibly see using some of those funds, but anything that is a want, nope."
"Your current wife is the unreasonable one."- Worth-Season3645
"NTA."
"This money belonged to their mom."
"She has no connection to your current stepchild or bio child."
"They are not her responsibility."
"That money is for the kids who are."
"You need to make it clear that it is a hard boundary that your wife can't mention and that it isn't 'family' money."- NaryaGenesis
"NTA."
"Your current wife is not entitled to your kid's inheritance from their mom."
"Put it in a trust so she can't touch it."
"Designate someone you trust to look after them that's not your current wife."- Shichimi88
"NTA."
"It's insane the amount of people that think windfalls of money they had NOTHING TO DO WITH should be used for themselves or their children by association."
"That was not money that you were both saving. That was money your late wife was saving."
"The fact you have other kids is irrelevant, and I'm glad to see even without set in stone instructions or a will you are still doing the right thing by keeping that money for the kids it was meant for."- EnigmaGuy
"'But recently she feels it's unfair because they have money set aside for the future'."
"Yeah, well'."
"It's also unfair your kids lost their mother... so.. what does she even mean by that?"
"I'm guessing (maybe i'm wrong) if your late wife didn't die the situation would be entirely different."
"NTA, maybe NAH."- Total_Maintenance_59
"NTA."
"The fact that your wife wants to take from your children (who suffered the devastating loss of a parent) to give to herself and her children is a flaming red flag."
"She expects you to treat her child as your own but isn't treating your kids as her own."
"If she were, she'd respect that their mother left them an inheritance."- LouisV25
"Get a legal financial advisor and get that money into trusts for your children from your late wife!"
"Make it untouchable and then put it from your mind."
"If she was always like this, I'm wondering why you married her."
"Keep an eye on how she treats your children."
It should be equal."
"She is being very weird about someone else's money here and it bears keeping watch over."
"NTA."- Ok-Pomegranate-3018
"NTA if she wants your stepdaughter your youngest to be able to do extracurricular activities she needs to start budgeting for them but instead she is choosing to wait until the last minute and trying to guilt you into giving away your children's money left from there mom."
"Honestly you never should have told her about the money."
"At this point I wonder if you just put the money into a trust with strict rules about accessing."
"I know there are different types of trusts."
"You should consult a lawyer or an estate planner."- Specific-Syllabub-54
In fairness, the OP's wife is, like him, thinking of her children and what that money could do for them.
However, this is a rare situation where she needs to think not of her own children, but of her stepchildren.
And taking away from them one of the few things their late mother could leave them would be an act they would never forgive her for, should they ever learn she went through with it.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp