As much as we all hate to admit it, not every relationship is destined to succeed. Unfortunately, sometimes that includes the relationships established between parents and their children, biological or otherwise.
That's why it's important to start working on problems as soon as they're noticed, rather than letting them build up.
But there are methods that are more harmful than good, cringed the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
After attempting to talk to his wife and becoming tired of their fights, Redditor Garrbie thought he would write a performance review of his concerns surrounding his wife's behavior.
When the stay-at-home mom accused him of being condescending, the Original Poster (OP) wasn't sure what else he could do.
He asked the sub:
"AITA for giving my SAHM wife a written performance review with suggested areas needing improvement?"
The OP lived in a full household.
"I (33 Male) share one child (6 Female) with my wife (36 Female). She has another daughter (13 Female) who lives with us full-time, and we also have custody of our niece (15 Female)."
"The teens are each other's best friends. They share a large bedroom, which was done at their request."
"The dynamic here is pretty much mom and youngest against the teens, with me being the referee between everyone."
The OP was concerned about what his wife was teaching their youngest daughter.
"My wife has taught the youngest she can blame others for her actions to avoid consequences. She just says the word, and one of the teens will get punished without question."
"There's no doubt she is my wife's favorite. I love her, but she's becoming nothing more than an entitled brat."
"As just a mere example, my wife and I had an appointment we both needed to attend. When we came back, it was apparent the pool had been used. They're not allowed to swim while we aren't home."
"As the youngest divulged, 'Mommy, I was in my room coloring. I never went swimming.'"
"The teens said that was not true and that she had gone swimming as well."
"Only the teens were punished. My wife refused to give the youngest any type of consequence."
"I later found her wet swimming suit hidden in the garage. My wife and I argued, I felt strongly she needed to be not only punished for swimming but also for lying."
"After a relentless disagreement, I was silenced as she gave the youngest a very minimal consequence."
The pool incident was far from the OP's only example, as well.
"Also, around Christmas, the kid's bathroom toilet wouldn't go down. We had to call in a plumber, he found someone had flushed a soap bottle which got stuck down in the pipe."
"I asked the six-year-old, and she said, 'I didn't do that!' She then proceeded to pin it on the 12-year-old. My wife went directly to the teens, screaming at them to come clean. Both of them promised it was not them."
"She grounded them, took away their electronics, assigned them more chores to pay for the plumber costs, and then forbade them from having any friends over. I thought it was excessive punishment. We had no proof of who actually did it."
"I just brushed it off to my wife that it was probably an accident, maybe the bottle fell off the counter and landed in the toilet."
"Lo and behold a week later, I caught the six-year-old trying to flush three tennis balls. My wife said, 'Well, she probably got the idea from the teens.' BULLS**T. She completely refused to even lighten up their consequence, never mind letting them off the hook."
"Other things are small in nature but still frustrating. Like leaving empty containers around the house, the six-year-old will blame the teens. A wet towel left on the furniture, teens. Spilled juice all over the kitchen floor... teens. Basically, anything and everything, she will not take responsibility even if you have evidence it was absolutely her."
"Like, this p**sed me off. We had Chick-fil-A for dinner the other night. A wrapper and a cup were left on the side table. The next morning, my wife asked who they belonged to. No one answered, but the six-year-old said, 'Not mine, I think the 13-year-old left it there.'"
"My wife started belittling her about how she's not a child anymore and needs to pick up after herself. The kid got up and tossed it in the trash while saying it was not hers. Later, I tossed something in the trash and noticed the cup had a label on it that said lemonade."
"The six-year-old was the only one who had lemonade. I showed it to my wife, and she argued it might not be the same cup that was on the table. Like what? It was right on top. The 13-year-old had just put it in the trash can."
The OP was beginning to see a change in the teens, as well.
"The lying, blaming, and favoritism ultimately caused the teens to act out, understandably."
"Most of their consequences are done by giving more chores, specifically the chores the six-year-old has. Or recently, they were removed from music lessons as a consequence."
"I believe they're so frustrated, they don't even care when they verbally attack their mother after her unfair treatment towards them."
"After all, they already get blamed and punished for things they don't even do. From my perspective, lashing out gives them a release."
The OP knew something needed to change.
"We've had countless, tiring arguments. She'd either not see her faults, or we'd agree to do this and that, but it was never actually done."
"I decided to write her a performance review, as a SAHM (Stay-at-Home Mom)."
"Her areas in need of improvement, well, it was a lot. But I touched on how she needs to listen better, and stop being biased. Be fair in all her decisions, and stop making rash decisions without taking all three kids into consideration."
"I recommended she give each child the same amount of one-on-one alone time to speak, or just be with one another."
"So it wouldn't be entirely a slap in her face, I also gave her accolades on her strong points for other areas aside from parenting."
The performance review did not go over as the OP had hoped.
"I guess I felt this would work best because I could organize my thoughts on paper without her interjecting."
"However, it quickly backfired in my face. She was quiet the first hour after I handed it to her. Then she completely exploded on me, said if we're going to do this type of s**t, she'll get a private bank account and take half my paycheck every week."
"She further said the review was abusive, and a manipulative sexist move."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some agreed with the OP's critiques based on his post.
"The performance review was his last attempt at speaking to her about it, though, it sounds like he's attempted several times to discuss his concerns with her, but it always turns into a fight. Writing things down is a great way to relay one's thoughts clearly and precisely without having a back n forth argument before a complete point is even made."
"What you're seeing is desperation, not manipulation. NTA." - stylinred
"You are not TA at all. Sounds like you are frustrated and have been for some time. Your wife is training your six-year-old to be a dishonest little a**hole."
"I would suggest sitting her down with you and the teens with the six-year-old far far away, lol (laughing out loud). Get them to talk to your wife about her behavior and treatment of the teens and yourself. If nothing changes, I don't want to tell you to leave, but why should two other kids have to suffer." - ChangePurple2401
"I invite you to think of your six-year-old as a scared child and not a manipulative brat. Your wife's anger is unhinged and concerning. Your main concern seems to be that she doesn't get angry enough at the six-year-old for doing things that are pretty normal for a six-year-old (forgetting to put stuff away, breaking plumbing)."
"It's not good that she blames the teens but it's understandable that a six-year-old would be scared of her mother who seems like she's on the brink of an angry meltdown 24/7 and your six-year-old doesn't trust that you will help her out (probably because your main concern in the original post is that she doesn't get punished enough not that your wife is unstable and abusive to the teens)."
"The six-year-old probably wouldn't be able to put it into words, but she's well aware that as soon as the teens aren't around/in trouble, she will be a target too. A lot of commenters are calling the six-year-old a 'golden child,' but you should look up narcissistic parents and golden child/scapegoat dynamics and remind yourself that the dynamic is created by abusive parents, or one abusive parent plus one passive or enabling parent not by the children who are all being abused."
"You should also make a divorce/escape plan because all of your children deserve better than this." - theoriginaltay
"NTA, if you called it a letter rather than a performance review, it would be NTA. Time to step up and give your wife an ultimatum. Either she goes to therapy with you, or you start to protect your older daughters and get their clearly abusive mother out of your house." - OneNo7524
"The six-year-old flat-out lied. How is that not on her? No matter how you slice it, the six-year-old has issues. And let's not pretend that favoritism doesn't come into play in family dynamics, and stuff like this is very common when blatant favoritism is shown."
"NTA. When calmly talking to his wife didn't work, and she refused therapy, OP escalated until she heard him. Her refusing to listen and then threatening to take half his paycheck shows she doesn't see OP as an equal. He's an ATM to her and that's it."
"OP made his wife listen to his concerns by any means necessary, and she refused to budge. If the genders were reversed, every single person would be calling for divorce." - kowboy42
Others thought the OP's youngest was a big part of the problem.
"There is an eight-year gap between my oldest sibling and us younger ones. I ABSOLUTELY knew how to get her punished for things I did long before I was six and my sibling was 14. In fact, getting the eldest punished for our infractions was prime entertainment for us."
"My mom thought we were too young to know how to lie. Yeah, the little one is a kid, but she totally knows what she's doing. We wanted to alienate our older sibling, and my parents let us do it."
"To this day, my older sibling hates us, wants nothing to do with us, and hasn't lived in our hometown since age 18. Let the teens know you see them, you know they're trying, and get your wife to family therapy." - eightmarshmallows
"Man, you need to do something, or not only will your older children resent you and maybe eventually cut you off for allowing this abuse to happen to them, but you'll raise a person who's entitled and manipulative because she's always gotten away with it."
"Get it together, put your foot down, and get those girls away from your wife or do something beyond just telling her her punishments are too harsh. Telling her anything hasn't protected your children in any way, and that includes your six-year-old."
"Why aren't you protecting her from the consequences of favoritism? Do you know what a horrible disadvantage this will be to her when she gets older and not encounters others who won't let her get away with lying and manipulating? J**us Ch***t almighty, step up, dude. Take action. Force a change in the situation. This is untenable." - hellothereitsmesatan
"Wow, this is horrible. I feel so sorry for the teens. How a six-year-old can be this manipulative is scary. This is probably affecting the teens really badly on the inside and they might end up hating their mom/aunt to the point of no contact as they grow older."
"I hope your wife wakes up from this nightmare she's causing soon. I hope you can be there for the teens emotionally at least and talk to them more about how they're feeling etc..." - StatisticianHappy393
"This is highly disturbing. Your six-year-old is clearly the golden child. This happens far too often. Your wife sees her as her only 'real' child, meaning the only child she biologically shares with you."
"If she is able to reverse punishments, why can't you? You need to make a serious stand, or you will lose the teens forever. They WILL move away at 18 and go NC (no contact)." - fromeighttillate94
But some questioned why the OP wrote the performance review at all.
"The examples you're giving sound really bad. Like your wife is really biased. But I'm voting ESH because you could not have picked a more condescending way to communicate with your partner. Like, a performance review is so condescending, it makes me cringe."
"You guys need to go to therapy or counseling or something. You need a referee and a safe place to talk about your concerns and figure out how to work on communicating. Your teens need support too."
"The situation you're describing sounds very unfair and it's bubbling over into toxic. I hear you trying really hard, like you genuinely want things to be fair, so I want to validate your frustration and let you know that I don't think you're a HUGE AH (honestly, I'm inclined to say your wife is being a bigger AH than you) but honey, you gotta figure out a better way."
"A performance review was bad. Super bad. Take the L, apologize, and propose therapy. Quickly, before irreversible damage is done to your family." - lapachamamita
"ESH. The concerns you have are legitimate and it needs an urgent solution. But, the way you went about it is really unhealthy. The parenting of your children is not a project."
"You are not her boss, you are her husband and the father of her kid. Giving her a performance review comes across as really condescending and as she said, manipulative." - ScentedPasta
"Are you her EMPLOYER, because employers give performance reviews. Partners do not give performance reviews. Your family, INCLUDING YOURSELF, needs therapy. A lot of therapy. A LOT of therapy. YTA." - PrairieGrrl5623
"OP, the problem here is not the youngest. Six-year-olds are only just starting to have the brain function to think beyond themselves. From ages two to seven, a child's only thoughts are 'me' because of the structure of their brain. Their morals are based on themselves - lying is okay if they avoid being punished."
"I would encourage you to look up child development. Ways to encourage her to stop lying include: helping her to avoid situations where she feels the need to lie; in completely neutral times, talking to her about lying and telling the truth; praising her when she does admit to lying/doing something 'wrong' or 'bad' (and not necessarily punishing her when she does tell the truth); role modeling telling the truth in tough situations yourself."
"The issue definitely seems to stem from your wife's response to the youngest lying, not the youngest lying in and of itself."
"And I am really sorry that everything you have tried has fallen on deaf ears. I can only imagine your frustration."
"I would argue that your performance review was 100% one of the worst ways to go about expressing your frustration. Cathartic though it may have been. I definitely feel as though you and the kids should go to therapy. If your wife eventually joins, all the better."
"But you're building a lot of resentment and running out of ways you feel like you can communicate. A good therapist can help with those things." - Gizwizard
The subReddit could appreciate the OP's frustrations and what he was trying to do when he wrote the performance review. But they had to argue that the performance review was not the way to go and that it may have done more harm than good to their relationship.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp