When someone makes us angry enough, we sometimes feel it necessary to demonstrate just how angry we are.
This could involve yelling at them, pounding the table, walking away, or… the dreaded silent treatment.
While this seems the appropriate approach in the heat of the moment, none of these methods is the most mature way of handling things.
More often than not, angrily retaliating only makes things worse.
The husband of Redditor No_Watercress8348 recently asked a favor of her.
A favor that the original poster (OP) flatly declined, claiming she was “not [his] mother”.
The OP’s husband did not take kindly to her response, going so far as to stop talking to her for three solid weeks.
Having some regrets over how she handled things, the OP took to the subReddit “Am I The A**hole” (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA? Husband hasn’t spoken to me for 3 weeks.”
The OP explained why her husband felt compelled to give her husband the silent treatment:
“So 3 weeks or so ago, my husband was talking about his diet & I mentioned about how he should have more fibre in it and he was like ‘how do I get more fibre’ and mentally I thought we both have access to google but I didn’t want to be rude so I replied with the answer(s) and he goes ‘you wouldn’t make meals like that for me would you’ and I responded ‘I’m your wife not your mother’.
“He said it was an extremely rude thing to say and hasn’t spoken to me in 3+ weeks.”
“For context we have 3 children and he is only here for a day and a half a week as he works away so he would have expected me to bulk cook on the weekend for him to take with him.”
“My response wasn’t meant maliciously and I haven’t apologized because I genuinely meant it, we have been together for 15 years & it genuinely made me feel so resentful, the way he said it and the expression was puppy doggish, and it made me feel like he was manipulating me – he can never be bothered to research or implement for his health even though he’s a highly intelligent and capable man.”
“I guess I feel frustrated he will pour everything into work (15 hour days etc) but on the home front, the boring day to day it’s all on me.”
“This isn’t the first time he’s ’gone silent’ but I usually always make good or apologize and this time I haven’t.”
“It’s just so awkward and the longer it goes on the more resentful I feel over it – he’s pretty much my only solid adult interaction in person, both physically and mentally and I feel super alone but also sorry for him because he must really be a sad and cruel person to inflict this on another person.”
“He is on a salary & very high up in his company – he earns the same for a 40 or 80h work week, he is not paid by the hour, and overtime isn’t a ‘thing’ for the role he has – he isn’t being forced to stay there by anyone but himself.”
“I WFH 6-8h days on the weekdays and a couple of hours across weekend days.”
“Writing this has made me realize just how deeply unhappy I am with him LOL, but anyway, AITA?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
The Reddit community was in agreement that the OP was not the a**hole for clapping back at her husband.
However, almost everyone agreed that the issue at hand wasn’t that the OP was frustrated with her husband asking her to make low-fiber meals but rather that she had admitted to being unhappy in her marriage. Her somewhat immature response was likely her ever-growing frustrations and unhappiness coming to the surface:
“So if I’m understanding right:”
“He gets paid the same no matter the hours he works.”
“Six figures.”
“You, his family and his boss have told him to chill and stop working so much.”
“He works even during family vacations.”
“He pays off loans from before you, a vehicle and helps his family financially; you don’t know what else he uses the money for.”
“You work too while caring for a teenager and two kids under 6.”
“All of the child-rearing and domestic tasks fall on you.”
“You pay for food, toiletries, gas, electric, phones, clothing and footwear for the children and day-to-day stuff.”
“NTA.”
“The man is willingly letting you drown with all of the work of actually raising a family and then has the audacity to be mad that you’re not bending over backward to get him fibre in his diet.”- nittah97
“I hope you read and reread your last sentence.”
“You are deeply unhappy.”
“That is not a good way to live your life and to know that is your future.”
“It’s time for you to insist on change or make those changes for yourself.”
“You need more adult in-person interaction.”
“Research some adult groups in your area, volunteer, do something for you.”
“NTA at all.”- SadFlatworm1436
“It’s going to be hard to hear this – but ignoring someone this way is abusive behavior.”
“It’s a control tactic, meant to get you to apologize and give in to him.”
“Asking for some space after a fight to cool down is one thing, literally blanking another adult for days or even weeks until they beg forgiveness/do what you want is very different.”
“NTA, but I’d be giving him an ultimatum.”
“He comes to therapy with me and learns to fight in a healthy way without this abusive control tactic, or we are done.”- BudandCoyote
“NTA.”
“But OP: you barely see this man, he’s childish, and this silent treatment is considered abuse.”
“Why are you with this man?”- laughinglovinglivid
“NTA.”
“He can and should take initiative for his own diet and health.”
“But also, this sounds abusive and manipulative.”
“If you’re this unhappy, and you basically never see him anyway, and he’s so content to not speak to you, what is the point of the marriage?”
“Maybe use this time of silence to evaluate if your life would be better with him in it, or are you happy without talking to him?”
“Because it sounds like you’d be happier divorced.”- PsychoTink
“You are NTA for stating a fact.”
“Also sounds like he could be home more but chooses not to be?”
“He also isn’t speaking to you over this?”
“That’s just sad.”
“The Emotionally Abusive Relationship is a fantastic book.”
“It’s also on audiobook on many platforms but that is emotional abuse.”- sowdirect
“NTA.”
“OP this is a form of psychological abuse which has been working for him bc you usually apologize.”
“3 weeks is an insane amount of time not to speak to your spouse.”
“Also does he at least attempt to help you parent remotely for the 5 days he’s away?”
“You seem to be doing the lion’s share of parenting/ family labour – does he acknowledge that?”- Bluebells7788
“NTA.”
“He can make his own food.”
“My own father, now 70, long time an only provider financially, worked 12h a day and made his own dinner, if what my mum had cooked that day didn’t suit him (it was food for us kids, so he didn’t always like it, that’s fine).”
“He also never expected my mother, his wife, to bulk cook for him when he was away (and that was often for a few years later on).”
“At the weekends, he also cleaned a lot and did his own (and my mum’s and our kids) laundry, etc.”
“He could easily survive on his own.”
“And if he can do it, so can any other man on this planet.”
“They just don’t want to/ choose not to.”
“And that’s it, it’s a choice they make every day, not incapability because of their Y-chromosome.”
“Also, I guess often they think their own time is more valuable than that of their wives.”
“Giving you the silent treatment is emotional manipulation and not how a loving partner would solve a disagreement.”
“That’s toxic behavior.”- Crazyandiloveit
The OP later returned with an update, thanking everyone who took the time to comment while also acknowledging that her marriage might need some serious re-evaluation:
“Thank you for all your responses.”
“I wasn’t looking for some sort of validation of me not being the AH – I know my comment was out of line and rude regardless of my intent, but I didn’t feel it justified 3 weeks (going on 4) of the cold shoulder.”
“I guess I just wanted some differing viewpoints from others because sometimes you don’t think rationally or fairly when you’re in a situation & I was beginning to question if I should apologize regardless of him ignoring me just to make good and make peace.”
“For clarity he has a chef that makes his meals mon-fri & I cook for the household ofc no questions asked on the weekend and don’t have an issue with this.”
“The responses have given me a lot to think about.”
There’s no denying that this was not a mature conversation between the OP and her husband.
However, what this conversation seemed to illuminate for the OP, not to mention the Reddit community, was that the OP’s marriage as it currently stands simply isn’t healthy, and changes need to be made.
Changes that can’t be made through the silent treatment.