Being a stay-at-home spouse comes with certain risks in the United States. When you don’t work outside the home, you don’t accrue Social Security earnings which affects your elder years.
You don’t gain work experience for a resumé, so should you get divorced or if your spouse becomes disabled or dies, your ability to find a good paying job is severely impacted.
If a spouse or partner makes the decision to stay home to care for children and the household, it’s a good idea to develop some sort of safety net.
A stay-at-home mom (SAHM) who did just that turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback after some family members objected.
Huge_Association_249 asked:
“AITA for keeping score of everything I’ve ever done for my husband?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“I’m a woman in my late 50s, married to my husband, early 60s. We’ve been married for 30 odd years.”
“I have fulfilled the role of a ‘traditional’ wife for much of our marriage, and I left paid work soon into our marriage. My husband is very successful in his business and we live comfortably.”
“All our children are adults now. My husband built his business from the ground up, and I was instrumental to the early success which set it up to be what it is today.”
“We were having lunch with our children when my son mentioned that his wife didn’t want to be a ‘trad wife’ and do what I did to raise the kids. She raised concerns about how vulnerable a position it is and that she doesn’t want to solely depend on him for money.”
“He wanted me to talk to her and convince her by telling her how it worked out for me. I said I understood where she was coming from, and being a housewife is incredibly risky and vulnerable, especially if he leaves her and she’s been out of the labour force for a while.”
“He countered that it had worked for his father and I because I trusted him as my husband to provide for me and why couldn’t his wife do the same?”
“I told him I have a meticulous record of all contributions I have ever made to the family busines—recently digitised with the help of my daughter—so that if the worst ever happened, I wouldn’t be relying on the mercy of a man to feed myself.”
“I told him I have made many contingency plans over the years to minimise the risk of being a housewife and compensate for my lack of pension and benefits I’d have had, had I not left the labour force.”
“My son and husband were angered by this. Both said it showed a lack of trust, and my husband especially feels I’ve had ‘one foot out the door’ our entire marriage and that my ‘little escape plan’ included plans to ‘shaft him of his business’.”
“I told him the fact that he refers to it as ‘his’ business rather than ‘ours’ is exactly why I kept those records and why I won’t be telling my daughter-in-law to do what she doesn’t want to do.”
“AITA?”
The OP summed up their situation.
“I might be the a**hole because I refused to support my son, and my husband feels I’ve betrayed him.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was definitely not the a**hole (NTA).
“NTA. That’s legal savvyness right there. What do men obtain out of getting their wives to entirely throw their financial security into the wind?”
“Barring separation and divorce, what happens to the wife if the husband dies unexpectedly? Does she throw herself in a fire? End up living in the streets because the husband provided and now there is no provider and she has no savings, no plan?”
“And what is this modern obsession for ‘trad wives’? in societies where it takes two salaries to care for a family?”
“Son is a**hole for not respecting his fiancée/wife’s wishes. What if SHE wanted him to be a househusband? What gives him the right to demand of her what he won’t give?”
“Husband is an a**hole for not understanding that protecting yourself from very possible hardships that have very practical ramifications has nothing to do with not trusting him. It has to do with self-preservation.” ~ ChibiSailorMercury
“The crazy thing about the current trad wife movement is that men who say they want a trad wife often are actually saying they want someone to work full-time and pay fifty-fifty towards all household expenses, but then also take on all of the cooking cleaning and childcare.”
“They’ve got a crazy wave of talk radio and podcasts whispering in their ears, convincing them this is the natural order of things, and women who don’t fall in line are freaks of nature.” ~ alligatorchronicles
“They want the advantages of traditional living and the advantages of social progress with none of the disadvantages, but apparently telling them that is ‘bitterness’.”
“But they’re the one getting angry at the fact that no woman wants to work 40 hours a week at a job to pay the bills and then spend the remaining 72 hours of the week where they’re not sleeping doing all of the household chores and child minding, while hubby does nothing.”
“The fact that they don’t get that no woman would want anything to do with that deal is telling that they don’t see women as people.”
“May they live a long life of solitude and rejection and then die sexually frustrated and confused that no woman wants to touch their pee-pee.” ~ ChibiSailorMercury
“I WAS a stay at home mom for 10 years. When the kids were in school all day, I went back to teaching.”
“After he saw 3 checks in a row, he decided to walk out. No problem, don’t let the door hitcha on the way out.”
“I had a fun career teaching, 30 years, and did not have to deal with the EX. And the kids and I have been fine.” ~ NefariousnessSweet70
“NTA, and I hope you talk to your daughter-in-law (DIL) privately. She is very wise not to put herself at the mercy of your son.”
“Many SAHMs are speaking out about how, after decades of trust and unpaid labor and multiple children, their ex-husband just divorced them. They were ruined financially.”
“It’s great to be a SAHM if both partners want it, but a man should never force it on his future wife. If I were DIL, I would run.”
“Their values do not align. He will make her life miserable.” ~ fancyandfab
“The trad wife in your 20s to single mom in your 30s pipeline.” ~ EddaValkyrie
“NTA. These dudes (who say it’s about trust) are missing something.”
“If a woman has the means to leave, but chooses not to, isn’t that choice that much more valuable? Isn’t that a bigger sign of trust, when they actually have a choice?” ~ HowWoolattheMoon
“Yeah, I hate the ‘trust’ argument. These men have zero skin in the game, but the women bear all the negative consequences if the marriage goes into the crapper. NTA.”
“I think the DIL should turn the table and demand that the house and all assets will be in her name if she shall be a SAHM. If he complains, she should just say ‘it’s disrespectful that you don’t trust me’.” ~ Nordseefische
“This happened to my aunt. My former uncle made her quit her job to stay at home with my cousins.”
“About 6-7 years ago, his affairs came to light and he left my aunt after she’d had a stroke that left her disabled. So besides being out of work 30 years, she physically couldn’t go get a job. It was really f*cked up.” ~ OddRaspberry3
“I am this woman. I trusted my ex and raised our children as a SAHM. After 25 years of struggling under financial control, we divorced.”
“My library skills are outdated, my work history is no longer relevant, and I’m financially struggling. I had the house, the retirement account, the cars, now I’ve got nothing.”
“OP, you are NTA, you’re savvy to document, document, document. Your son needs to get his head out of the sand and support his wife in her career.” ~ GladUnderstanding756
“I don’t understand the so-called attraction of having a traditional wife. I’m not trying to stop anyone who wants that, but I don’t get it.”
“When I was married, my wife had at least as much going on professionally as me; that was great.”
“A non-working spouse takes a hell of a risk. I wouldn’t take it myself, so I sure didn’t feel comfortable asking anyone else to.” ~ Boeing367-80
The OP provided their thanks and a final response.
“Thank you for your engagement. Thank you for sharing your perspectives and 99% of you being really polite!”
“I’m going away for a spa weekend with the women in my family this weekend, so I’m going to use that time to reflect and decide how to proceed.”
“We have arrived at the spa! Ended up being me and my daughters (including my daughters by marriage!) so it’s going to be a good weekend to chat freely about this.”
“Thank you for deciding I’m not the a**hole! My daughters read the thread and also feel I’m not in the wrong.”
“I’m going to spend quality time with my girls and relax!”
The OP’s record-keeping advice sounds excellent for any partner who decides to leave the workforce to support their spouse’s career.