We all struggle to make healthy choices from time to time. Whether it’s getting the right amount of sleep or taking a walk on Sunday, we don’t always make the “right” decision.
Over time, those choices can get away from us. It can impact how well we live our lives, like a mom struggling to keep up with her kids.
Then come the fad diets, the lifestyle changes, and sometimes, surgery. But in most cases, that’s where the story ends: the weight is removed, and we’re able to return the things we were missing.
Not so true for one married couple, who chose the route of bariatric surgery.
The husband wrote into the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit when he realized he didn’t enjoy his wife’s appearance after her surgery.
The Original Poster (OP) explained to the sub:
“My wife (45) had bariatric surgery a year ago, has lost 150 lbs, and I (42) am struggling.”
The OP stressed his support of their new healthy lifestyle together.
“I am extremely supportive of the lifestyle change, the new eating habits, exercise, and overall healthy environment. Of those things, life is great.”
“She has struggled for years with various diets and a litany of nutritionist and fitness coaches, we finally decided to get the surgery because getting older, other health issues are going to creep in, and nothing else is working.”
But that isn’t to say the OP wasn’t attached to his wife’s looks.
“I have always found her ghetto booty and large breasts extremely attractive. I knew they were going to go away. I wasn’t prepared.”
“She is now thin (which, again is amazing) but the curves are gone. This makes me sad.”
“Like, deeply sad. I CANNOT express to her that it makes me sad because it would destroy her. She has always been super self conscious and asked me repeatedly if I would still think she was attractive if she were thin.”
“Don’t get me wrong, she is still pretty, but I’m not over the moon in lust with her like before. I don’t get turned on by her new body like I did before.”
The OP wonders what he can do to reconcile his feelings.
“Is this just an adjustment period I need to get used to? I cannot change my taste in women…”
“Our sex life is different now. She’s more agile, and her endurance is better… but my desire is waning. For the first time in or marriage of almost 20 years, I’m not actively trying to fondle her constantly.”
“Granted, her sex drive has been decreasing for years… but I find myself more frequently admiring other women with the attributes that I miss.”
“How do I get past all this?”
Fellow Redditors wrote in, anonymously rating the OP’s feelings on the following scale:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reminded the OP this was his wife he was talking about, and he’d adjust with time.
“Human brains can be conditioned. That sounds cold and clinical, but it’s true. You love your wife, and over the past 20 years, it’s very likely that your brain has connected ‘curves and big boobs’ with feelings of arousal, because that’s what you were continually exposed to.”
“It works the other way, too — little habits someone has that we find charming and cute when we first fall in love with them can become constant annoyances and turnoffs as we start falling out of love with them.”
“Someone else suggested ‘fake it til you make it,’ and while that sounds crude, I suggest it’s a solid plan, especially since you do love her and want to make this work.”
“Have saucy fun time with her, and do things you know will arouse you, make you hard, and get you off, and while you’re doing that, really look at her and touch her. Fondle her new body, and make love to her in the body she’s in now. Try not to let yourself close your eyes and picture her bigger butt or boobs as you touch her.”
“Look at her, the woman you love, as she is now. Your brain will slowly but surely rewire itself to associate arousal with her smaller, tighter body.” – erdufylia
“That’s definitely an issue with some after surgery. Maybe You can go shopping with her and find an outfit she looks great in. Accentuate some new curves?”
“Change up the work out you guys do to round out some things. Maybe she can do more squats.”
“More importantly ask her how she feels about her body. Does she miss the curves? Many women get plastics after they lose the weight to get back some of the curves they lost.”
“Keep loving her, love yourself and good luck. 20 years to infinity.” – gidgetcocoa
Others reminded the OP that they are getting older anyway…
“Remember that if the marriage lasts into your golden years, there’s a good chance you’ll both be old and wrinkly and definitely not as attractive as you both used to be. Does that mean you should stop having sex at 75? Heck no” – kerfluffle2x4
“Also, you are getting older and you need to keep that in mind. We all have preferences, and few of them include wrinkly, loose skin, receeding hairlines, stuff like that. What I’m trying to say is, the older you get, farther you get from beauy ‘ideals’ and so do your partners. And thats ok.”
“I think the beauty of aging graceful means you also learn that physical standards are absolutely unimportant.”
“I wont tell you you cant have preferences, but we’re talking about a women you married! Your love for her should mean a lot more than her weight.”
“If this is something that is really really making your life unbearable, you should ask yourself 1 questions.”
“Do you love (I mean IN LOVE) this woman and deeply, with no questions, want to make it work? If not, leave. If you do, get therapy as soon as you can.” – desjardins97
And some told the OP to ask himself some really hard questions if his feelings didn’t shift.
“People fall in love and stay in love with each other not just because of boobs and curves. I think you need therapy, or at least a mental rubber band to snap yourself out of it whenever you start to think about how slim your wife is and how unattractive she is.”
“What other qualities does she have that make you feel happy to think about? People’s eyes and the way they smiles don’t change when they lose weight. The way she cares about you hasn’t changed since she lost weight (I assumed?).”
“Are you fit too, or are you overweight? Is it a sense of insecurity that makes you feel this way? I know these questions sound rude, but they need to be asked.”
“In the end, your wife’s surgery is done. It cannot be reversed, and it probably saved her life. Fall in love with her again for who she is behind all that ‘a**’ and ‘boobs’. If you can’t, be honest and let her go so she can be with someone who loves her no matter what.” – catsmom585
“One man trash is another man’s treasure. Keep making her feel unwanted, and someone will make her feel like the only woman in the world.”
“Look this is marriage; you don’t sign up for hundred thirty pounds or one eighty; that’s your wife. What ever weight she is should be your type. Divorce her before one of her coworkers started giving her the attention you are not.”
“People who want to get married the very first thing you have to know is they are not the same at twenty as they will be at fifty.” – playerknowmore
“D**n bruh imagine being married to someone for 20 years and they’re ‘deeply sad’ about the fact that you got your life on track and are doing all the things right for you.”
“Do you love your wife or did you love her curves? Like the idea that none of your intimacy comes from your genuine love for her as a person makes me pretty sad for her tbh.” – tech_wizard69
Losing weight and becoming healthier are long, strenuous journeys for many, and it’s true that the person may not be 100% thrilled with the body they have at the end. Despite being healthier medically, they may not like their appearance, and their self-confidence could take a toll. Not to mention how partners may feel about it.
Fortunately, this particular couple has plenty of time left to enjoy each other’s company, and potentially even more now since the surgery took place. Hopefully, with a little time relearning each other, this couple will be just fine.