With more single parent households and more families requiring all able bodied adults in the household to work full time to make ends meet, childcare is a necessity.
Finding a good daycare a family can afford is a blessing in the United States where childcare is poorly supported by the government unlike other first world countries.
A single mother who found a childcare solution turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Aitadaycaresubsidy asked:
“AITA for getting a babysitter because my mom was keeping my daughter home instead of dropping her off at daycare?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“I’m a single mom with a 4-year-old daughter, Anna. Anna and I live with my mom. We both work, and Anna goes to daycare full time.”
“I was married when I got pregnant with Anna. He started to be abusive while I was pregnant, and we left shortly after Anna was born. He moved back to his home country to avoid paying child support.”
“Daycare would be about half my income, so I get a subsidy that covers $1,400 out of her $2,000 tuition. The only condition of the subsidy is that she actually has to show up.”
“If she misses too many days, I lose the subsidy. I go to work at 7:30, and daycare opens at 8, so my mom would be the one to take Anna to daycare.”
“Anna’s main teacher is a 20/21-year-old girl. She’s always been very animated and energetic when I’ve talked to her. She’s great with the kids.”
“Anna always comes home saying this teacher brought stickers, she brought juice, she brought bubbles, she did face painting, etc… and always has fun crafts that she did with her teacher.”
“This teacher is her favorite person in the world right now, and Anna often runs away from my mom to jump on this teacher in the mornings. She hides when my mom picks her up because she doesn’t want to leave this teacher.”
“My mom started to get jealous that Anna liked the teacher better than she did, so she started keeping her home from daycare on her days off or when she only had 1-2 easy clients (she cleaned houses).”
“I found out Anna missed five days over the past three weeks. I asked my mom about it, and she told me she wanted Anna to spend more time with her family than with her teachers.”
“I told my mom Anna needs to be in daycare unless she’s sick, or I would lose the subsidy. She was arguing that if Anna needs to be in daycare, she should be in one with more family values and not some ‘rich white girl trying to save the poor kids’.”
“She always wanted me to send Anna to a Hispanic home-based daycare/babysitter.”
“The teacher is a girl from a well-off family marrying into a well-off family, and the daycare isn’t in the most well-off neighborhood.”
“She has bins full of clothes for the kids, gave everyone a water bottle with their name on it, has a much nicer classroom than the other teachers, and drives a car worth more than my mom and I combined could make in a year.”
“She’s setting up a field trip to the local airport, so her fiancé can talk to the kids about flying planes and so they can look at his jet.”
“I told mom I wouldn’t take Anna out of this daycare. This is the best daycare that takes this subsidy and I won’t be moving her just because she’s jealous.”
“We will actually be at this daycare for 2 more years. Anna just missed the kindergarten deadline, so next year will be Transitional Kindergarten (TK which used to be pre-K), then kindergarten.”
“Kindergarten in the public school system is half day and starts at 8:30 and the daycare has a kindergarten program with the same 8am-6pm schedule that will be covered by the subsidy.”
“They’re not exactly a subsidized daycare, they’re not even on the list of schools contracted with that the organization sent me. I heard from a friend that if you call the owner directly they may accept some childcare subsidies on a trial basis.”
“We got incredibly lucky with this one.”
“She was still insisting that Anna be with her family or in a more family-based daycare, so I got a babysitter. I drop Anna off to my neighbor at 7:30 when I leave for work and she drops her off at 8:15 on her way to take her kids to school.”
“She only charges me $10 a day. I don’t love the breakfasts that she gives Anna, but I know she’s going to daycare, and I won’t lose the subsidy.”
“It’s just that her kids eat things like Fruit Loops or Captain Crunch or chocolate granola bars for breakfast. I don’t have extra money to pay her or to get her extra food, so Anna will be eating the sugar cereal for now.”
“Now my mom is pissed that I’m keeping Anna away from her.”
“AITA for sending Anna to a babysitter in the mornings because my mom wasn’t taking Anna to daycare?”
The OP later added:
“Anna did not lose her daycare spot. She just has a babysitter now to take her to daycare, and she stays a little later so I can pick her up instead of my mom—which actually works out great because now she gets to leave at the same time as her teacher.”
“I actually just got an offer to live with my coworker and her family. They have a little 2-bedroom apartment above their garage, and they offered me a really good rate, but they told me it’s only available to me and Anna.”
“We would have some space between us. It’s a separate structure, and they’re offering really low rent. It’s also in a good neighborhood and school district. It’s definitely something for us to consider.”
“My mom can’t afford to live on her own. She’s renting a 3-bedroom house.”
“I pay about $1,400 of our $1,900 rent. She wouldn’t kick me out because she couldn’t afford to live on her own.”
The OP summed up their situation.
“I might be the a**hole because I got a babysitter instead of keeping my daughter with my mom, and I won’t consider a daycare with a larger emphasis on Hispanic family values.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors unanimously decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
“NTA!!! I work in a LOT of subsidized daycares and it sounds like you found the diamond in the rough. Fight tooth and nail if you have to to keep your daughter there.
“It’s so important for kids at that age to be around their age peers. It helps them develop in ALL areas, but especially in regards to social skills and play skills. You can not replicate this environment at home.”
“Good for you for putting your foot down. I wouldn’t think twice about whatever breakfast she’s getting; it really doesn’t matter as long as she’s eating, I promise.” ~ GodzillaSuit
“Mom sounds pretty insular to me. She gets plenty of exposure to her own culture from her family.”
“It’s a good thing to also be exposed to other cultures and world views. Widening people’s horizons has always been regarded as a positive.”
“The reality is that she will be navigating her future in a multicultural society, and right now, she’s taking her first steps in that daycare. NTA.” ~ Sufficient-Candy-835
“You are NTA. Your mother is overstepping, but the correct solution—regardless of how challenging it will be—is for you to move out and handle all of this on your own.” ~ No_Database_5101
“NTA. According to OP’s post, she brought the most serious issue to her Mom’s attention: ‘I told my mom Anna needs to be in daycare unless she’s sick or I would lose the subsidy’.”
“Mom’s solution is ‘if Anna needs to be in daycare, she should be in one with more family value’.”
“News flash: Jealous people aren’t rational.”
“It would be worth OP sitting down with her mom and someone who perhaps could mediate (another relative? a friend?) and laying it out like this:”
“‘I am Anna’s mom, and I will listen to you, but I make the final decisions. Anna is staying in this daycare, that’s final’.”
“‘I have had to hire a babysitter since I can’t trust you not to keep Anna home and cause us to lose our $1400 subsidy’.”
“‘If I could trust you to respect my decisions as a parent, you wouldn’t be “kept away from” your granddaughter, but at this point I can’t, so here we are’.”
“‘If you continue to disrespect and override my parenting decisions, I will be forced to look at moving out. Will you be able to continue to afford this house without my contributions?’.” ~ Constant_Host_3212
“NTA. You sound like a responsible parent, and you did a good job solving a problem here. Congrats on getting your daughter a slot in an excellent daycare/pre-school and for doing what you need to do to keep the subsidy that pays for it.”
“Early childhood education is super important! It sounds like your daughter is learning and socializing in a positive environment and that she loves being there. That’s awesome, and it will help lay the foundation for future success in school.”
“Your mom is being totally unreasonable, and you already know that.
“Would she be interfering with your daughter’s education and keeping her home from school randomly if she was in 3rd grade? What about 11th grade? You should ask her how long she plans to sabotage Anna’s education.”
“Good luck as you continue to navigate this, and you’re definitely NTA here.” ~ if-anything
The OP has found a solution to one problem, but it sounds like she and her daughter need to make some more permanent decisions about their future.