With more single parent households and more families requiring all able bodied adults in the household to work full time to make ends meet, childcare is a necessity.
Finding a good daycare a family can afford is a blessing in the United States where childcare is poorly supported by the government unlike other first world countries.
A single mother who found a childcare solution turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Aitadaycaresubsidy asked:
"AITA for getting a babysitter because my mom was keeping my daughter home instead of dropping her off at daycare?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"I'm a single mom with a 4-year-old daughter, Anna. Anna and I live with my mom. We both work, and Anna goes to daycare full time."
"I was married when I got pregnant with Anna. He started to be abusive while I was pregnant, and we left shortly after Anna was born. He moved back to his home country to avoid paying child support."
"Daycare would be about half my income, so I get a subsidy that covers $1,400 out of her $2,000 tuition. The only condition of the subsidy is that she actually has to show up."
"If she misses too many days, I lose the subsidy. I go to work at 7:30, and daycare opens at 8, so my mom would be the one to take Anna to daycare."
"Anna's main teacher is a 20/21-year-old girl. She's always been very animated and energetic when I've talked to her. She's great with the kids."
"Anna always comes home saying this teacher brought stickers, she brought juice, she brought bubbles, she did face painting, etc... and always has fun crafts that she did with her teacher."
"This teacher is her favorite person in the world right now, and Anna often runs away from my mom to jump on this teacher in the mornings. She hides when my mom picks her up because she doesn't want to leave this teacher."
"My mom started to get jealous that Anna liked the teacher better than she did, so she started keeping her home from daycare on her days off or when she only had 1-2 easy clients (she cleaned houses)."
"I found out Anna missed five days over the past three weeks. I asked my mom about it, and she told me she wanted Anna to spend more time with her family than with her teachers."
"I told my mom Anna needs to be in daycare unless she's sick, or I would lose the subsidy. She was arguing that if Anna needs to be in daycare, she should be in one with more family values and not some 'rich white girl trying to save the poor kids'."
"She always wanted me to send Anna to a Hispanic home-based daycare/babysitter."
"The teacher is a girl from a well-off family marrying into a well-off family, and the daycare isn't in the most well-off neighborhood."
"She has bins full of clothes for the kids, gave everyone a water bottle with their name on it, has a much nicer classroom than the other teachers, and drives a car worth more than my mom and I combined could make in a year."
"She's setting up a field trip to the local airport, so her fiancé can talk to the kids about flying planes and so they can look at his jet."
"I told mom I wouldn't take Anna out of this daycare. This is the best daycare that takes this subsidy and I won't be moving her just because she's jealous."
"We will actually be at this daycare for 2 more years. Anna just missed the kindergarten deadline, so next year will be Transitional Kindergarten (TK which used to be pre-K), then kindergarten."
"Kindergarten in the public school system is half day and starts at 8:30 and the daycare has a kindergarten program with the same 8am-6pm schedule that will be covered by the subsidy."
"They're not exactly a subsidized daycare, they're not even on the list of schools contracted with that the organization sent me. I heard from a friend that if you call the owner directly they may accept some childcare subsidies on a trial basis."
"We got incredibly lucky with this one."
"She was still insisting that Anna be with her family or in a more family-based daycare, so I got a babysitter. I drop Anna off to my neighbor at 7:30 when I leave for work and she drops her off at 8:15 on her way to take her kids to school."
"She only charges me $10 a day. I don't love the breakfasts that she gives Anna, but I know she's going to daycare, and I won't lose the subsidy."
"It's just that her kids eat things like Fruit Loops or Captain Crunch or chocolate granola bars for breakfast. I don't have extra money to pay her or to get her extra food, so Anna will be eating the sugar cereal for now."
"Now my mom is pissed that I'm keeping Anna away from her."
"AITA for sending Anna to a babysitter in the mornings because my mom wasn't taking Anna to daycare?"
The OP later added:
"Anna did not lose her daycare spot. She just has a babysitter now to take her to daycare, and she stays a little later so I can pick her up instead of my mom—which actually works out great because now she gets to leave at the same time as her teacher."
"I actually just got an offer to live with my coworker and her family. They have a little 2-bedroom apartment above their garage, and they offered me a really good rate, but they told me it's only available to me and Anna."
"We would have some space between us. It's a separate structure, and they're offering really low rent. It's also in a good neighborhood and school district. It's definitely something for us to consider."
"My mom can't afford to live on her own. She's renting a 3-bedroom house."
"I pay about $1,400 of our $1,900 rent. She wouldn't kick me out because she couldn't afford to live on her own."
The OP summed up their situation.
"I might be the a**hole because I got a babysitter instead of keeping my daughter with my mom, and I won't consider a daycare with a larger emphasis on Hispanic family values."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors unanimously decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"NTA!!! I work in a LOT of subsidized daycares and it sounds like you found the diamond in the rough. Fight tooth and nail if you have to to keep your daughter there.
"It's so important for kids at that age to be around their age peers. It helps them develop in ALL areas, but especially in regards to social skills and play skills. You can not replicate this environment at home."
"Good for you for putting your foot down. I wouldn't think twice about whatever breakfast she's getting; it really doesn't matter as long as she's eating, I promise." ~ GodzillaSuit
"Mom sounds pretty insular to me. She gets plenty of exposure to her own culture from her family."
"It's a good thing to also be exposed to other cultures and world views. Widening people's horizons has always been regarded as a positive."
"The reality is that she will be navigating her future in a multicultural society, and right now, she's taking her first steps in that daycare. NTA." ~ Sufficient-Candy-835
"You are NTA. Your mother is overstepping, but the correct solution—regardless of how challenging it will be—is for you to move out and handle all of this on your own." ~ No_Database_5101
"NTA. According to OP's post, she brought the most serious issue to her Mom's attention: 'I told my mom Anna needs to be in daycare unless she's sick or I would lose the subsidy'."
"Mom's solution is 'if Anna needs to be in daycare, she should be in one with more family value'."
"News flash: Jealous people aren't rational."
"It would be worth OP sitting down with her mom and someone who perhaps could mediate (another relative? a friend?) and laying it out like this:"
"'I am Anna's mom, and I will listen to you, but I make the final decisions. Anna is staying in this daycare, that's final'."
"'I have had to hire a babysitter since I can't trust you not to keep Anna home and cause us to lose our $1400 subsidy'."
"'If I could trust you to respect my decisions as a parent, you wouldn't be "kept away from" your granddaughter, but at this point I can't, so here we are'."
"'If you continue to disrespect and override my parenting decisions, I will be forced to look at moving out. Will you be able to continue to afford this house without my contributions?'." ~ Constant_Host_3212
"NTA. You sound like a responsible parent, and you did a good job solving a problem here. Congrats on getting your daughter a slot in an excellent daycare/pre-school and for doing what you need to do to keep the subsidy that pays for it."
"Early childhood education is super important! It sounds like your daughter is learning and socializing in a positive environment and that she loves being there. That's awesome, and it will help lay the foundation for future success in school."
"Your mom is being totally unreasonable, and you already know that.
"Would she be interfering with your daughter's education and keeping her home from school randomly if she was in 3rd grade? What about 11th grade? You should ask her how long she plans to sabotage Anna's education."
"Good luck as you continue to navigate this, and you're definitely NTA here." ~ if-anything
The OP has found a solution to one problem, but it sounds like she and her daughter need to make some more permanent decisions about their future.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp