One of the best parts of a wedding is the reception.
That's when the real celebrating gets underway.
Music, dancing, and food are what a lot of people think about during the ceremony.
Sometimes, guests get up and sing a song or two.
This is where things can start to get a touch dramatic.
Redditor ScienceFormal8172 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally, she came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
"AITA for singing at my sister's wedding?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I (F[emale] 17) have an older sister (F 23) who got married last weekend."
"The wedding had all of the extended family from her side and the groom's, and we both have big families, so the wedding was pretty big."
"During the reception, my aunt had requested a song from the DJ, went up to the microphone by the dance floor, and started singing along to a Katy Perry song."
"I assumed she just spontaneously did this and that this wasn't preplanned."
"I just assumed this was something any guests could do, as a bit later, my other sister did the same thing with a different song."
"Afterwards, I requested a song (Yellow by Coldplay, if that makes a difference) and sang it."
"My sister (the bride) was giving me a weird look with her hands on her hips the whole time."
"Towards the end of the reception, when most of the guests were leaving, my sister called me embarrassing and asked why I got up and sang at her wedding."
"I said that I didn't understand the problem and pointed out that our aunt and other sister also sang."
"She explained they were preplanned 'as a surprise' and songs that she wanted them to sing."
"She said that I 'sing really badly' and she hadn't asked me to sing, and that I should've checked with her."
"I was really taken aback because no one mentioned to me they were planning to sing, how was I supposed to know?"
"I felt really embarrassed and apologized (although I didn't really mean it, I just wanted the conversation to be over), and she said that her wedding isn't about me."
The OP was left to wonder:
"I think she'll get over it, but AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP WAS the A**hole.
"Gentle YTA because you're 17 and probably still learning social norms about weddings and life lessons about making assumptions."
"It's generally a bad idea to do something attention-seeking at someone's wedding - other people doing it doesn't mean you can without permission from the bride and groom."
"If your aunt and sister had sung without permission, they would have also been exhibiting ahole behavior, and that wouldn't have made your choices okay."
"A sincere apology is what really makes the difference here."
"It may be helpful to acknowledge that you actually hurt your sister's feelings and treat her like her feelings matter to you in this situation." ~ Remarkable-Buy4220
"YTA, this wasn't a random karaoke party; even if you thought it was, you could have simply checked with either your sister or either singer first."
"Also, as a fellow terrible singer, why would you subject them to it, especially something like Coldplay?" ~ Urbanyeti0
"She didn't know."
"She thought it was a thing they were doing, and when the DJ gave her the mic, why would she question it?"
"Besides, at 17, how many weddings has she been to, and how can she actually compare it to anything.'
"You only really know norms through exposure."
"You're being way too harsh on the OP." ~ inturnaround
"Look, everyone knows a wedding reception isn't spontaneous karaoke, so yeah, YTA for not reading the room and just grabbing the mic." ~ LasagnaLANl
"Apparently, OP's sister does plan with spontaneity."
"OP was unplanned spontaneity, and should have intuitively known exactly what the planned spontaneous moments she was not made aware of were."
"So. The aunt singing and the right sister singing, totally fine."
"But OP singing a single song, thinking she is following the two examples of appropriate spontaneity, singing a wedding-appropriate song, is making the wedding all about herself?"
"Oh, wow, OP must have some background issues with her sibling."
"There's some tea there!" ~ kalixanthippe
"YTA. You're the AH for doing it in the first place and the AH for not being sincere in your apology."
"You're young, we get it."
"You assumed, you felt embarrassed... not everything is about you."
"You owe your sister a sincere apology." ~ Spiritual_Truth_5152
"YTA. This is a wedding, not karaoke."
"Stay in your guest lane." ~ Packwood88
Many others on Reddit had a different take on the matter...
"NTA for being young and making a mistake."
"A little bit of a YTA for the insincere apology, though."
"It can be an honest mistake and yet still be worth apologizing and meaning it."
"Now you know that it wasn't karaoke, but don't beat yourself up about it."
"The DJ could have done better, honestly (and told you those were planned and this wasn't for all of the guests to do)."
"And I wish your sister hadn't spoken unkindly."
"If your own apology was obviously not genuine, I can imagine her reacting to that as much as anything else, but no need to insult your singing."
"Maybe a genuine apology for your mistake without just denying it as an issue and wanting to end the conversation might be helpful." ~ Whatnot1785
"I agree. OPs was an unintentional offense. Certainly worthy of an apology, but not done with malicious intent."
"The sis coming at her, insulting her singing, and shaming her for being a bad guest, saying she ruined the entire wedding, was not okay."
"I would be embarrassed enough at the faux paw without intentional shaming." ~ HauntedMeow
"The person at fault here is the DJ."
"At my wedding, the DJ did not take any requests that were not approved by my husband or me."
"OP's sister should be mad at the DJ and stop beating up on a 17-year-old."
"I doubt one song ruined her whole ceremony!" ~ SnugglieJellyfish
"This. The DJ is the one responsible for filtering requests from guests pertaining to music and animation."
"That's what he's paid for. NTA." ~ Kethryweryn
"100%. I'm the manager of a whole department of wedding DJs, and we don't let anyone get a hold of a live mic unless it's part of our timeline for the night or one of the couple gives explicit permission, just so this can't happen."
"The DJ is to blame." ~ MrCollywoobles
"NTA. Your sister is planning her own 'surprise' songs with your aunt and sister, and not thinking that that might send out a message to her other sister that it was a normal thing to do is ridiculous."
"Yes, apologize, but this is on her and the DJ." ~ Sabrinasockz
"This 100%."
"This is either on the DJ or on the sister for not being clear about her preferences for the evening with the DJ."
"It isn't weird for things to get a bit off the rails later in the evening after formalities are over."
"And this is not unlikely to be a fun family story/memory in a few years."
"Those personal unplanned moments tend to be big memories after the fact."
"We had a wedding crasher."
"I was so annoyed that day."
"It's absolutely hilarious to me now... lol."
"Don't sweat it!"
"You don't know what you don't know."
"And unfortunately, with the price of weddings and the No Kids popularity, lots of teens and young adults have not been to many weddings, and they can be very different." ~ KickIt77
"Yes! I immediately jumped to this thought."
"Why did the DJ allow this and not explain that they had to be pre-planned?"
"Perhaps the bride and groom failed to give the DJ proper, specific instructions."
"Either way, OP is NTA." ~ Jack_Stuart_M23
"I disagree, I think 17 is old enough to realize no one wants karaoke at their wedding, and that as a guest, you have no idea about the plans and intricacies of the wedding, hence why you just go where you're told and follow along with the program."
"Also, she completely disregarded her sister's feelings with her false apology."
"I agree, 1 song didn't ruin the wedding, but OP treated it like an open mic night, so I'd be pissed."
"Also, a lot of employees at weddings would not/do not argue with family members at the event."
"They just give them what they want to avoid a scene and then bill them after or let the bride/groom deal with their family afterwards."
"I worked for a banquet hall for years, the in-house DJ actually had it in the contract that managing family dynamics was not part of DJing responsibilities, no song requests or pre-approved songs, only fine, but when a drunk family member starts grabbing the mic, the family or security has to deal with it." ~ Ok-Knowledge9154
Reddit continued with YTA answers...
"YTA, there is an excuse for you just not knowing the correct procedure, but weddings rarely turn into karaoke sessions."
"Most things at a wedding are planned, and as a guest, you aren't going to be notified."
"It's just a general rule that you're not going to get on a mic at someone else's event." ~ keesouth
"I gotta say, the ones that DO turn into Karaoke are hella fun!"
"I was at a wedding once where the bride just got up partway through the dancing music and started karaoke, and the party turned up to an 11 after that."
"But yeah, a little gauche to be jumping on the mic when it hasn't been clearly opened up for singing." ~ TheLinaBee
"YTA. My aunt, who categorically cannot sing, did this at my parents' wedding, and it still irks my dad 40 years later." ~ UndeadMurderess
"YTA. You NEVER take over someone else's wedding reception like this."
"It would have been super easy for you to tell anyone about this first."~ Flat-Replacement4828
"YTA. There's a saying: When you ASSUME, you make an A** out of U and ME!" ~ Spare-Shirt24
Reddit seems a bit all over the place with this one.
The DJ definitely played a part in this.
They should've cleared it first.
You didn't have any malicious intent, but asking first on your end could've helped as well.
Hopefully, in the end, your sister will get past it.
Good Luck.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp