As a member of an organized social group, occasions may arise when events are held by group members where not all the other group members are invited.
For example, as a child, a person might belong to scouts. But if one scout troop member has a birthday party, that doesn’t mean every scout will get invited.
As a child, birthday parties in my family had a maximum number of guests allowed. That amount would be adjusted for age or activity.
A one to two-hour cake and presents party held outside might have 10 guests. But a sleepover might only have 3-4 guests. 10 9-year-olds might be manageable, while 10 3-year-olds is just chaos.
But without fail, there always seems to be that person who asks, “Why wasn’t I (or my child) invited?”—even if they’re one of a dozen people not on the guest list.
Why some people feel entitled to always receive either an invitation or an explanation is beyond me.
But these people exist.
A woman struggling with one turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Known_Occasion_2041 asked:
“AITA for declining to invite a woman who has called herself ‘a total klepto’ into my home?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“I joined a Women’s Social Club 6 months ago because I’ve been struggling to make friends after relocating to a new-to-me city. It took me a while to warm up to the group and to connect with people I actually had anything in common with.”
“I had to wade through a lot of Botox parties and boozy brunches to find things I was interested in. But I did, and I started coming to group events fairly often.”
“I hang out most often with the women who like to read, do crafty things, bake, skywatch, etc… Among these women is one, I’ll call her Andrea, who has made several comments about how she’s a total klepto.”
“I think that she makes these comments to seem ‘cool’ to the other people in the group.”
“She says it like it’s a funny personality quirk. One of the first stories I heard from her was about stealing from a store in the mall, Claire’s.”
“I reached out to some of the women I see regularly at these events and invited them over to my place to watch a TV show we’d been talking about and do crafty stuff. They were excited and agreed to come.”
“Unfortunately, Andrea found out (I assume someone asked if she was going) and reached out to me to ask if she was invited. I considered this for a bit and then told her no, as I only had so much room at home.”
“She didn’t believe me and asked me for the real reason, saying ‘I thought we got along’ which, yes, is true.”
“I told her I’m not comfortable inviting a kleptomaniac into my home. That I’ve worked hard to have the things I have, and it would be stupid for me to invite her knowing that she openly brags about it.”
“She said ‘Okay’ very quietly. She then said, ‘You’re painting me out to be some horrible criminal when you don’t even know anything about me’.”
“I said that her being proud to call herself a klepto was all I needed to know. She said that I was a high school mean girl and ableist.”
“I am unsure what the foundation for that statement is.”
“This, unfortunately, has spilled over to the group, which is frustrating. But what has me the most surprised is that there are so many people defending her and telling me that I’m out of touch and take things too literally.”
“Am I?”
The OP summed up their situation.
“I declined to invite Andrea into my home because she calls herself a klepto, which means she steals. This makes me an a**hole for judging her and not allowing her to bond with the other group of women I’ll be inviting into my home.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
“NTA. ‘You’re right, Andrea, I don’t know you that well. I only know what you’ve told me about yourself’.” ~ FilthyDaemon
“So much this! Like… of course I don’t know you. If you tell me you eat babies for dinner, in not going to assume you’re lying, I’m going to be grateful you saved me from having to get to know you better. See you at someone else’s dinner party!” ~ TheeQuestionWitch
“NTA. I had a girl in my sorority describe herself as a ‘self-diagnosed klepto’ and that ‘if she saw something she liked, she just couldn’t help herself’—be it something at a store, on campus, or in possession of one of us.”
“After she took it, it became her property, and heaven forbid you try to get your things back.”
“I refused to associate with her outside of meetings. I never hung out with her, let her in my car or dorm room, never let her near my purse or jacket in group settings.”
“She cried that I was a bully. People like them are always going to play victim. I’m very glad you’re keeping your boundaries.” ~ SassyCatLady442
“NTA. She shouldn’t be bragging about being a thief if she doesn’t want people worried that she’ll steal from them. Common sense.” ~ lihzee
“NTA. Those defending her are more than welcome to have Klepto-Andi in their houses. I’d say no too. She isn’t entitled to an invite to your home, no matter her circumstances.”
“People who make these comments have to learn there are consequences to their behaviours….even if she is exaggerating the issue. You aren’t an ableist or high school mean girl for protecting your property.” ~ 101037633
“Also her branding it as ableist—like anyone is obligated to host the ‘proud alcoholic’ who you know will get massively drunk and throw up on your rug because they’ve bragged about it—is such BS.”
“I might say its borderline ‘mean’ (if understandable) to refuse to host someone who has been open about struggling with kleptomania and the horrible situations it contributes to.”
“But definitely not if she’s just saying it so she can talk about the stuff she steals, and not so she can talk about how hard recovery is!” ~ Ybuzz
“NTA. Being an unrepentant thief isn’t the same as being a kleptomaniac or a ‘klepto’. One of the key factors of diagnosing kleptomania (which is a legit rare mental health disorder) is the rollercoaster of emotions about the theft.”
“A kleptomaniac will not brag to virtual strangers that they have stolen, because the shame is physically painful to them. Andrea is the ableist for rebranding kleptomania to justify her poor behaviour.” ~ Tipsy-boo
“She told you directly that she steals things, and then wants to not face the consequences of that action. NTA. That’s on her all the way.” ~ Librarycat77
“Funny that the kleptomaniac would accuse you of taking things too literally, when they’re the one who takes things—literally.” ~ SnooPeripherals1298
“NTA. A word of advce: if anyone brags about or claims to be a bad person, you should always believe them and act accordingly.”
“If she didn’t want to be treated like a thief, she shouldn’t have been bragging about being a thief. If she was actually lying and wanting to sound ‘cool’, that’s still her problem.” ~ Pesec1
“She latched onto a ‘diagnosis’ she thought would let her get away with her behaviors around others—if she gets caught, she can just shrug and say ‘can’t help it, massive klepto over here.'”
“An actual kleptomania diagnosis comes with symptoms of extreme shame, remorse, and guilt for their actions (past and future). Bragging about it isn’t part of the disorder.” ~ DrAniB20
“NTA. I, too, would be wary of an adult who brags about being a kleptomaniac, not because they might take something of mine, but because I assume they’re a complete idiot.”
“If there’s someone discreet in the group that you respect, ask them what it means for you to be out of touch in this situation. Can they give you some insight into why this is getting the mixed reaction?” ~ Firm-Molasses-4913
“NTA she told you the kind of person person is, and you believed her. She should be happy you trusted her enough to take her at her word.” ~ TheRealRedParadox
“Ignore the claims of kleptomania and everything else. You didn’t invite the entire social club, so why does she think she’s entitled to an invitation?”
“You initially told her why it was because of limited space. It was rude of her to ask, but that should have been the end of the discussion.”
“No one is entitled to access your home. No one should be asking for an explanation for not being invited, unless they’re the ONLY person excluded. And even then, the host doesn’t owe them a reason.”
“I’d just ask her who she thinks didn’t deserve their invitation. In front of the group. Why does she think she’s better and more deserving than others in the group?” ~ MohawMais
Not everyone is invited to everything.
And the host owes no one an invitation or an explanation.