Though we don’t like to think about it, the reason some relationships do not last forever has nothing to do with the couple but instead external circumstances, like an accident or illness.
While some people will choose to remain single the rest of their lives to honor their late relationship, some will eventually start dating again, reasoned the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit, but not all new partners are created equal.
Redditor bloobityboo started dating someone about four years after their late husband suddenly passed away, and while things were fun for a while, the relationship shifted significantly once they moved in together.
When their partner began to demand that they pack away any signs of their late husband because he felt it was “unfair” to him to see them, the Original Poster (OP) started to wonder what to expect next from the relationship.
They asked the sub:
“AITAH for refusing to take down a small display for my deceased husband, even though my new boyfriend thinks it’s ‘unfair’ to him?”
The OP still missed their late husband after six years.
“My husband passed away in late 2018. It was sudden, it was devastating, and I still miss him.”
“He was only 33, and I was 29 when it happened.”
“He had been my best friend for almost half my life, way before it became a romantic relationship that eventually led to us getting married in 2014.”
The OP later dated a man who they were also really happy with.
“Fast forward to today and I’ve (now 35) found love again with a new man (36 Male). We’ve been together for about two years.”
“He was married for 12 years and had five kids before his wife left him due to his temper problems. They were only officially divorced for a year before we met, so yeah, he’s my second choice, but I’m his, too.”
“I’m super supportive of him maintaining a positive relationship with his ex-wife, and I encourage him to join her for family events and to be patient with her when he thinks she’s being difficult, and I of course want him to spend time with his children.”
“Five months ago he moved in with me.”
“It was going pretty well until a couple of weeks ago.”
“This man has always been so patient and understanding. We had a bunch in common and would get each other’s references to old cartoons and movie quotes. He laughed at my bad jokes.”
Once they lived together, the OP realized they looked at quality time differently.
“Every now and then, he’d get moody when he’d want to watch TV with me and I would get caught up in a painting or project. To be fair, this happens a lot. I don’t like watching TV when we could be doing something else, and I have a lot of hobbies and just started a small business.”
“I feel like one or two movies a month seems sufficient and it’s basically the only activity he ever suggests. I try things like working on something in the same room as he watches something (parallel play, you know?), but apparently, it only counts as ‘quality time together’ if I’m also watching with him.”
“I don’t get it, but this was the biggest problem we had until recently.”
But then a much more troubling issue came up.
“A couple of weeks ago, out of nowhere, he started acting very angry and insecure.”
“He keeps bringing up events or statements he says I made months ago and accusing me of ‘hiding things.'”
“I know that I haven’t done anything I’d have to lie to him about, so even if I don’t remember a particular comment I made last February or something, I can be sure that it wasn’t anything meant to deceive him or mask my secret doings or whatever.”
“I don’t have the time or energy to be in a relationship where I have to hide stuff, and if it came to that, I would rather be single.”
“I don’t understand what the logic is behind being jealous or insecure. I trust that he wants to be with me because he is. If the only reason he didn’t leave me for his ex or any other woman is that he didn’t have access or opportunity to do so, I wouldn’t want to be with him anyway. When it comes to cheating, my thoughts are: If another woman can take my man, she can have him.”
The OP’s boyfriend began to complain about one small area of their home.
“In our bedroom, there’s a nook in a corner where I keep my business supplies and a tall bookshelf that I mostly use for general storage. There are several bins and my sewing machine and of course, some books. You can’t see any of it from the main part of the room, but I use it regularly.”
“Taking up maybe one-fourth of one shelf (just under a foot long), I have a place where I display a little urn with some of my husband’s ashes, a mug he got me that says ‘Wifey,’ a little stuffed Minnie doll, and an infinity cube I decorated years ago that says I (HEART) U. Behind this, there’s a picture of my husband kissing my cheek.”
“My boyfriend told me last night that it’s disrespectful and unfair to him that I have that up in our room because I’m not married to him anymore.”
“He insisted that he and I are now together now and he shouldn’t have to look at me with another man. I assume this is where the ‘hiding things’ accusation came from, because he realized those things were up there after looking around in the nook of the room.”
The OP refused to listen to their boyfriend’s demands.
“I would agree with that if my husband wasn’t dead, but he is.”
“And to be clear, it doesn’t look like a ‘shrine’ or anything. I have confined the mementos of my deceased husband to one tiny section of my home.”
“And it doesn’t matter if I have 100 more boyfriends or even husbands. My late husband will always be a member of my family. As such, it’s kind of my duty to remember him and to honor his memory.”
“He is not going to be forgotten and I refuse to downplay his significance to me and the person I am today because 1/3000 sq ft of our home is offending my new man’s fragile ego.”
“Am I wrong for being firm on this? For the record, this whole display is easy to overlook and he doesn’t have anything in that little enclave of the room, so he wouldn’t have to see it if he didn’t try to. He could visually avoid it entirely for the rest of time.”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that they had every right to keep memories of their late husband in their home.
“NTA. You’ve got a late husband, not an ex-husband. You didn’t break up, he died. You’re allowed to keep reminders of your late husband around for as long as you want, or forever.” – somethingstrange87
“My brother married a widow. She has photos from her first marriage, right next to the ones of my brother’s and her wedding.”
“There are random photos of her first husband all over the house, though over the years, she has taken some down, on her own.”
“I asked him once if it bothered him. He just shrugged and said, ‘No. Should it? It’s just pictures.'”
“I always thought that made my brother that much more awesome.”
“That’s how your boyfriend should be treating you, OP. His actions are not it. NTA.” – poohfan
“A great-uncle of mine served in WW2 and was married just before he left. He died in the Pacific in 1942. His wife eventually remarried and died in 2018.”
“Her family included her first husband in the OBITUARY out of respect for him and for her love for him, even though she didn’t have any children with him and he’d been dead for 76 years.”
“I don’t remember if her second husband out-lived her, but you can guarantee that either way her second husband respected his memory and wouldn’t have dared ask her to take a memorial down of him. No way he or his kids would have included it unless it was a present part of their lives.”
“Your boyfriend can do so much better. NTA.” – Kathubodua
“NTA. As a widower of 10 years, I have to say that if your partner feels threatened by your memories of your late spouse, you may want to rethink your current relationship.” – Stormyone318
“I am amazed at the number of people (on Reddit, at least) who genuinely seem to not understand the difference between ‘ex’ and ‘late’ partner.”
“An ex-spouse is someone you dated, slept with, and were engaged or married to, and then you broke up. That person is still alive but no longer in your life. By choice.”
“A late spouse is someone to whom you were married (or in a serious relationship, dating or engaged) who passed away. That person is no longer alive, and their death is the reason you are no longer together.”
“Calling a deceased spouse an ex is wrong and also offensive.”
“Also, many, many, MANY people keep memory boxes of their past relationships. They keep photos and ticket stubs and other things from people they have broken up with BY CHOICE. Keeping some photos and things visible in your home, and not even that visible, for someone you only ‘left’ because they DIED is so reasonable, I can’t even handle it.”
“NTA, OP. Grow up, boyfriend, or go be an ex.” – BecGeoMom
Others agreed and were disgusted by how jealous and insecure the boyfriend was.
“Your boyfriend is 10,000% jealous of a deceased man. He’s acting very immature and childish. He needs to grow up.” – Jenniyelf
“You are not holding onto ‘the one that got away.’ You are holding on a REASONABLE AMOUNT to the memories of the one who literally died. And it sounds very discreet and sentimental and sweet and, again, totally reasonable. NTA.” – RainbowUnicornPoop16
“It’s just a private tribute to your late husband and a part of your healing process. That new guy’s insecurity and demands seem unreasonable, especially since the display is in a part of the room he can’t even see without choosing to go see it.”
“In a weird way, it feels like a jealous ex spying on their happy ex’s social media accounts. They don’t have to go look, so any hurt they experience is of their own doing, by going to check those accounts. But the big, big difference here is that this is no ex or lover; this is your husband who died.”
“And your boyfriend still has a choice in whether or not to see these things. If he doesn’t like seeing them, he should stop seeking them out.” – Icy-Location3169
“He’s jealous of a dead guy. He’s so insecure, immature, and selfish that he’s literally JEALOUS OF A DEAD GUY.”
“Plus, based on the other stuff the OP said, he sounds super controlling. Why does he always want her to do his things (she doesn’t even like watching movies that much) but doesn’t ever want to do any of her things (at least from what she told us) and also wants her to hide some of her most sentimental things away? I’m not convinced this guy is it.” – Magerimoje
“He’s jealous of a dead man. He’s jealous of her hobbies. He’s jealous of her business. He’s jealous of the space she uses in her OWN home. If he has any good points, beyond laughing at her jokes and getting some pop culture references (which isn’t hard with how much TV it sounds like he wants to watch…), I’m not spotting them.”
“It sounds like you really downgraded, OP, I’m sorry.” – Irishwol
Not only did the subReddit support the OP in not removing the mementos that reminded them of their late husband, but they also questioned how good of a partner the OP had actually landed.
From demanding the OP to spend quality time the way he wanted to, to accusing them of hiding things, to now demanding that they remove signs of a previous relationship, this did not sound like the beginnings of a healthy, trusting, and loving relationship.