While most people still want their proposals and engagements to be a surprise for their partner, enough discussions should have been had for them to be able to select a ring that represents their taste, their personality, and their relationship.
That's why most people alter family jewelry somewhat, to make it more about their story and their relationship, reasoned the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit, but it's hard to imagine repurposing a ring from a divorce or late marriage.
Redditor Over-Cellist-6224 had been with her partner for about four years and was eager to move forward in life with him, so when he proposed, she was excited.
But when she found out where the ring came from, the Original Poster (OP) was shocked, hurt, and unsure if it was a ring she had any right to wear.
She asked the sub:
"Am I overreacting for being upset that my fiancé proposed with his late wife's engagement ring without telling me?"
The OP was respectful of her fiancé's past.
"I’m 30 (Female), and my fiancé is 33 (Male). We’ve been together for about four years. He was married before me and has an eight-year-old daughter from that marriage."
"He and his late wife were basically childhood sweethearts. They grew up together, their families were close, they went to the same college, got married young, and were together for several years before she unfortunately passed away while giving birth to their daughter."
"It was obviously devastating for everyone involved, and he ended up raising his daughter on his own until we met."
The OP did her best to be respectful of her partner's late wife.
"I met him when his daughter was around four, and since then, we’ve built a life together. Overall, things have been good."
"I’ve always tried to respect the fact that he was widowed. I’ve never asked him to get rid of pictures, stop talking about her, or pretend she didn’t exist. She was an important part of his life and is an important part of his daughter’s life, and I understand that."
"Last week, he proposed."
"I was honestly excited. We’ve been together for years, so I knew it was probably coming eventually. The proposal itself was sweet, and the ring was beautiful. I said yes."
"We took pictures and posted them online. I posted a few on Facebook, and he posted some on Instagram."
Then the OP found out the truth about her ring.
"A day later, his former sister-in-law, who is also his daughter’s aunt, messaged me and asked if the ring I was wearing was her sister’s engagement ring."
"I told her I didn’t think so. Honestly, it hadn’t even crossed my mind. I figured there was no way he would propose to me with the same ring he had given his late wife."
"A couple of days later, she got back to me after comparing old photos. Same setting, same diamond, same band, same everything."
"It was the exact same ring."
"At first, I thought maybe she was mistaken, so I asked my fiancé directly. He admitted it."
"He told me that yes, it was the same ring, but he didn’t see what the big deal was. He said it was a beautiful ring, it had sentimental value, and it didn’t make sense to buy another ring when he already had one."
"I told him that wasn’t really the point. I explained that I wasn’t upset because I wanted a more expensive ring or some giant diamond. Honestly, if money were the issue, I would have been perfectly happy with a cheaper ring."
"What bothered me was that he gave me the exact same ring he proposed to his late wife with and never told me."
The OP felt uncomfortable wearing the same ring.
"I told him that if he wanted to reuse the diamond and have it reset into a different ring, I probably wouldn’t have cared nearly as much. But handing me the exact same ring felt strange."
"Maybe this sounds irrational, but it made me feel like I was stepping into someone else’s place instead of starting my own future with him."
"His response was that I was creating a problem where there wasn’t one."
"At one point, I asked him if he planned on giving me her wedding ring, too."
"His response was, 'Probably. Maybe.'"
"That honestly made me feel worse. I asked him why he never told me it was her ring before proposing."
"He said he didn’t tell me because he knew I would react like this."
"To me, that made the situation even worse because it felt like he knew this might bother me and chose not to tell me anyway."
"We ended up arguing, and I left the ring behind and went to stay with my mom for a few days."
The OP was surprised by the family's reaction.
"Since then, this has somehow turned into a family discussion involving my side of the family, his side of the family, and even some of his late wife’s family."
"My mom and sisters think my reaction is understandable. They all said the issue isn’t even the ring itself. The issue is that he reused such a personal item without discussing it with me first."
"His family feels differently. Some think I’m overreacting and being disrespectful to his late wife’s memory."
"Others have said people pass jewelry down all the time and that a ring is just a ring."
"My fiancé keeps saying that he loves me, isn’t trying to replace anyone, and that I’m reading way too much into it."
"The thing is, I don’t feel jealous of his late wife. I never have. What bothers me is that an engagement ring is supposed to represent our relationship. Instead, it feels like I’m wearing a symbol of theirs."
"I genuinely don’t know if I’m making this into a bigger issue than it needs to be."
"AIO?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NOR: Not Overreacting
- YOR: You're Overreacting
Some completely understood why the OP was hurt by the gesture.
"The real issue isn’t even the ring, it’s that his instinct was 'she won’t like this, so I just won’t tell her.'"
"That’s such a bad foundation for a marriage, not gonna lie."
"People saying 'a ring is just a ring' are missing the entire point of engagement rings. They are LITERALLY symbolic objects. symbolism is the whole reason they exist." - brokenplatypus4
"My fiancé and I built my ring together using my grandmother's ring (with my family's blessing) and picked out a new stone for the middle setting. We picked a gorgeous green-blue sapphire, and we picked it together. The diamond that was in the band was set into a beautiful necklace."
"Rings are so symbolic. I can't believe he knows that she would be upset, but still doesn't see what he did wrong. This isn't promising for their relationship long-term." - drawkward101
"The way he said she’s making a problem where there is none. This guy doesn’t respect op’s opinions or feelings."
"Also, the fact that his family agrees. They just want op to take care of him and his daughter. They don’t care about her feelings, either." - Easy-Concentrate2636
"I wish people realized how damaging hiding their intentions and feelings can be when it comes to relationships, especially. This is one of my most triggering scenarios, because it more often than not is incredibly controlling and is applied in an underhanded, manipulative way, all under the guise of 'keeping the peace.'"
"Yeah, no, it keeps the peace alright, but it is their peace they are keeping, all while they project their own perspectives onto us and make it out to be 'how things are handled' when they are literally telling us how we are to feel about things for us, and then never truly will listen to us when we do explain how we actually feel."
"The issue I take is how presumptive the other person can be when assuming how we will react to things. They wrongly avoid the 'conflict' or the 'she won't like this, so I will hide this information from her' kind of thing."
"It infuriates me for not just this assumption made (that the uncomfortable feelings they have are somehow the same feelings I would have), but also how that plays into their logic that they are somehow doing a good thing?! No, hiding things from me, lying to me, twisting the details so it doesn't make them look bad, somehow that is all OK if they are doing it under this premise of 'worrying' about how I would feel about something..."
"Make that make sense, from a truly caring partner perspective; You can't! Because that behavior is 'controlling,' parading as 'caring.' NOR. From my experience, they will never see their behavior as manipulative or controlling. They will see it as something they 'had no choice' about... when they always had a choice." - Em_Strae
Others pointed out that the late wife's ring would be better given to the fiancé's daughter than the OP.
"He should save his deceased wife's ring for their daughter." - InkDrinkersGuild
"It clearly bothers his late wife’s sister, or she would not have said something."
"NOR. This is weird and would make me uncomfortable. His actions feel disrespectful of his late wife, not yours." - Due-Huckleberry7560
"My friend is going through a bitter divorce. When I asked whether she was giving the ring back or selling it, etc., she said she had put it in a security deposit box for her daughter when her daughter turned 18. It held sentimental value; while their relationship is over, they had loved each other, and she wanted her kids to have the rings (daughter's engagement ring, son's wedding band). They can then do as they wish with them. Different situation but you get my point."
"NOR OP. I get it. It is about the fact that it was hidden and not told, and while it is a beautiful ring, it shouldn't be handed to you, it should go to his daughter, and you and he should get a new ring together." - fergie_89
"He knew it would be a problem, but did it anyway. It is a problem, he knew it would be a problem, and now he’s shifting the blame for the upset onto you."
"It was a really d**kish thing to do. He needs to own his mistake, apologize profusely, and fix it."
"OBVIOUSLY, the ring should go to his daughter." - Magliene
"It’s heartbreaking he didn’t save his late wife’s ring for their daughter. I hope this is fake, otherwise the adults involved are beyond cruel." - Ok_Expression7723
"That ring 100% belongs to his daughter. As is, or turned into another piece of jewelry for her when she's older. I think it's pretty s**tty of him to give it to anyone else."
"I have the ring my ex-husband gave me in reserve for our child, in case they ever want it. She's not remotely into jewelry now, but for later, or even if she wants to sell it, I view it as for her."
"I'd be incredibly disappointed and more than a little angry if I were in OP's position. The fact that he thought he could just slide it by like that. Shows serious lack of judgment." - slowasaspeedingsloth
Even if the OP's partner had the best of intentions, trying to symbolize his willingness to move into the future with her, there were other ways to symbolize that, starting with a ring that represented the two of them together, rather than him with his late wife.
The ring was better off being saved for his late wife's daughter, so she could keep something special of her late mother, while the OP and her future husband selected something together.
The fact that he was willing to hide something like this, simply because it was a tough conversation he wanted to avoid, promised more negative dips in their relationship.
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