Who does an engagement ring belong to?
As a gift, one would assume it belongs to the recipient. But many states in the U.S. have added laws to address claims on engagement rings. Factors such as did the couple marry, why or why not, and the ring’s provenance—is the ring a family heirloom?—are all considered.
A woman turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback after her former fiancé’s mother issued an unexpected request.
RingaRingaRosies asked:
“AITA for wanting to keep my engagement ring from my late fiancé?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“I (36, female) lost my fiancé nearly eleven years ago in car crash. We were both in the car, but I got out with only minor injuries while he died instantly.”
“This messed me up quite a bit and I was in and out of therapy and support groups for years over this. The support group is where I met my current partner (45M), he is a widower who lost his wife to cancer and we understood each other’s pain a lot and bonded over it.”
“Three years ago we started dating and we moved in with each other last month. My current partner is not my new fiancé or my husband.”
“I call him my partner because he feels, at his age, being called a ‘boyfriend’ is a bit too humorous as if he’s young, but if we are being technical, he is a boyfriend. We have only just moved in together.”
“I’ve remained close with the family of my late fiancé since I lost him and they were a great support to me in the first few years. However, his Mother (61, female) asked me last week for the ring he gave me back since I’m now seriously involved with another man.”
“She said she wanted the ring to keep in the family and it’d mean a lot to have it. This upset me, the ring he gave me wasn’t a family ring and it’s garnet and emerald ring he picked out because those are our birthstones and I didn’t want a traditional diamond.”
“We picked the ring out together and he saved for months to get me it. It holds a lot of beautiful memories for me even if it’s bittersweet. I’m now at a point where I can enjoy the good memories without too much pain.”
“The value of it outside of my own emotions is mostly because it was a custom ring. It’s not even gold, it’s silver, gold has never suited me. The gems, while beautiful, aren’t anything insanely expensive.”
“I doubt anyone would spend a lot of money to buy a resale of a custom ring that isn’t their own design. I really, really hope that she doesn’t want to sell it if she’s needing money which I hope isn’t the case. If I knew she needed money I’d give her money of course.”
“Me being in a relationship now doesn’t mean I have this ring gathering dust in a drawer somewhere. I wear it on my right hand now, the same way my partner wears his wedding ring.”
“We both feel it’s OK to honour our lost loves this way and neither of us have any jealousy or negative feelings over this. Hell, we have a picture of my fiancé and his wife on the wall of our livingroom.”
“I told her I could understand if it had been a family ring he’d inherited, though that would still have made me feel a little weird to have her asking for it back, but it isn’t a family ring. It’s my ring that we picked out together and I plan to wear it for the rest of my life.”
“He was an only child, and had no children, so I don’t know what she would do with the ring—she has no one to pass it on to.”
“She insisted it should be back in the family, however, and that she wanted it as it was the last major purchase he made before he died. I ended up hanging up on her as I was so upset and I’ve been avoiding her calls since.”
“My partner is angry on my behalf that she even asked this and told me she was being ridiculous and that I should wear the ring as long as I want to. I can’t help but feel like I’m being punished for finding someone to make me happy. That I was supposed to mourn him forever in her eyes.”
“I’ve spoken to my parents about this too to get their insight on it, and my mum feels that maybe I should give the ring back as his mother is clearly just hurting and wants to hold onto something of her son. My dad, meanwhile, says he can see both sides of this, and it’s my choice.”
“I don’t know, I might be a bit too emotional over this. Am I being the a**hole or unreasonable here?”
The OP summed up why they might be the a**hole in their situation.
“I might be the a**hole here as I want to keep the ring of my late fiancé, even though I’m with someone new, despite his mother wanting it. I lost my fiancé, but she lost her child, so perhaps I’m not being considerate enough to her, as she always supported me after I lost him.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
“You keep saying give the ring back. Stop using that language. There is no one to give it back to; it belongs to you and only you.”
“That she would even ask is strange, but that is not your problem. The ring is yours. The answer is no. If she chooses to hold this against you, just let her.”
“This has nothing to do with you. I would tell her there is no way on earth I would ever part with the ring the love of your life purchased just for you. Sometimes you have to let people feel the way they feel and sometimes their feelings ruin a relationship. You are NTA.” ~ BigtoeB
“You do not give her the ring back. It was a gift that represented the love between you and your fiancé. It is YOUR ring.”
“This request is most likely driven by a new facit of her grief because while you are moving on (congrats on finding what sounds like a good one!) and it is emphasizing what her son can never do. It is still not your issue to fix.”
“If you want to be nice, you can give her grace around making such a ridiculous request but that’s as far as it should go.”
“Tell her, ‘I know how much losing a fiancé affected us all, and I have appreciated the support of your family as we all found a new normal. I love your son deeply and will not be parting with the symbol of that love that we picked out together and that was gifted to me. I understand seeing me finally move on may be affecting your grief, and if you need some space, I can give you that. I will forgive you for making such an inappropriate request as long as the matter is dropped and never brought up again.”
“Then refuse to engage in any conversation about the ring and don’t leave it anywhere she has access to.” ~ bug1402
“NTA. It doesn’t need to go ‘back to the family’ when it was never in the family. It was picked out by you together.”
“It’s not even something that you even have stored away; it’s something you actively wear and remember him by. Would still be NTA if this were the case.”
“The fact that she waited until now says this has everything to do with her feelings of you being in this relationship, not even about the ring itself. If you still want this relationship with her, just let her know the answer is no and any conversation that brings it up again will get ended immediately.”
“The timing seems like it’s a ‘If you’re moving on, you don’t deserve anything of my son’s’ kind of reaction. It’s a punishment. NTA.” ~ Realistic_Bit6965
“NTA. She insisted it should be back in the family, however, and that she wanted it as it was the last major purchase he made before he died.”
“This is weird. It can’t go back ‘in’ the family because it was never ‘in’ the family to begin with.”
“And what if his last major purchase had been a kayak. Would she have wanted that back?”
“To me, it sounds like she is a bit upset by you moving on.” ~ Impressive_Moment786
Depending on where the OP lives, her legal footing could be weak or strong. No marriage occurred, but the couple didn’t call off their engagement. And the ring isn’t a family heirloom. There are also no heirs to pass the ring on to.
Hopefully, this issue can be resolved out of court.