Having something that once belonged to a loved one who has passed on is important to most people. Having to give it away because someone else wants it can cause irreparable harm to a family relationship.
A widow turned to the "Am I The A**Hole" (AITAH) subReddit for feedback.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and post about ending romantic relationships—both things that are banned on AITA. However, there are no required voting acronyms—only suggested ones—and no official final judgment declared.
Adorable-Nerve-4175 asked:
"AITAH for not 'returning' a ring?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"My husband inherited a ring that was owned by his maternal grandfather. The ring was an anniversary ring. I don’t think it was expensive, but it obviously holds sentimental value."
"It’s a men’s ring. It’s one of those big chunky rings from the 1980’s style."
"My husband died suddenly when our son was a baby. He was young and didn’t have a will, so I settled his estate."
"His mother asked for the ring not long after he died to give to one of her sister’s children. I said no, because it belonged to my husband and now belongs to his son."
"I gave it to him with his dad’s wallet. He keeps them in a little lock box with his favourite Hot Wheels cars."
"Ten years have passed and his mother has started again. She said 'The family thinks this is very wrong of you' and that the ring 'should stay in the family'."
"My husband was her only child and our son is her only grandchild. She definitely loves him. She just doesn’t have a lot of energy, so he spends most of the visits with her husband. I do wish they would call him more though."
"My husband’s parents divorced when he was a kid. I have a great relationship with his dad and his stepmom and with his stepdad."
"I have tried hard with his mother. It was so much easier when my husband was alive because he was the one that managed it when boundary issues came up."
"He did have a hard time with her too, though, and didn’t have a relationship with any of his mom’s sisters, so I don’t know any of the 'family' she talks about."
"My husband and I were together for years before we had him and she talked about having grandchildren so much. Then when had our baby it was so different from what I imagined it would be like."
"Thinking about this ring has brought back so many things I forgot about. A few days before my husband died, I was working a night shift on Halloween and my husband dropped our son off to his Mom's house because she and her husband were going to take him trick or treating while he was at work. I even bought my son a special costume that he could wear over his snow suit."
"My husband called me so mad because they didn't take him out because they decided to watch a baseball game instead. He then brought him to the nursing home where I worked and it was really sweet. Until this I only remembered the nice part of that night."
"Sometimes I think she likes the idea of being a grandma more than having a grandson."
"I facilitate the relationship. My son is a bit older now, 10, and I encourage him to call and ask to see them. It's hard because they don't call him and it feels awkward to invite ourselves to their house."
"I honestly think the ring is so ugly and tacky that my son will probably never wear it. It does feel mean to hold on to it when his mother wants it."
"It’s not that I think my son doesn’t want it. It’s just that he probably won’t wear it. It will be kept in a drawer. I don’t know if we gave it to them if it would be worn by someone."
"And I honestly feel that my husband would be upset if it didn’t go to our son and it would be disrespectful to him not to ensure that happens."
"I’m afraid to ask my son because I don’t want to hurt his feelings. He likes the ring, but he’s also very kind hearted and would probably give it to them. It’s just that there was so many heirlooms owned by my husband’s grandpa that his family split among them, but my son has only a couple heirlooms from both my husband and his great grandfather."
"Am I the a**hole?"
The OP later added:
"I assumed it’s not expensive because when my husband’s grandfather died and my husband went for the funeral and to help settle the house, I told him to not ask for anything. My husband then later intentionally asked for the ring because it was an anniversary ring and he didn’t think it was expensive enough to fight over."
"He also asked for one of his grandpa’s casual watches that he wore when he was at home. It’s really cool, he bought it when he was in Japan in the 1950’s, and it has speckles of house paint on it. They’ve never mentioned the watch, so I guess maybe the ring is expensive."
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - more information needed
Redditors decided the OP was right to keep her husband's ring for their son (NTA).
"NTA She basically said that your son, her grandson, is not family. That’s even worse than simply wanting a ring back." ~ Trick_Few
"This has happened to me. My dad's family wanted things back 'in the family' after he died. I refused and haven't seen them since. If I'm not family in their eyes, I'm not wasting my time on them. Your son doesn't deserve that kind of family." ~ khaosstar
"NTA I wouldn't be surprised if the only person who thinks it's wrong is your MIL. Look the bottom line is this. Your husband inherited the ring. That means his grandfather wanted him to have it to do with whatever he wished. He could've pawned it and that would've been within his rights."
"Giving the ring to his son is exactly the right thing to do. You could've sold it. Or donated it. But you're keeping it for your child."
"Your MIL can have all the opinions she wants but you have the final say here. And if I can be blunt, it sounds like you're doing all the work to keep a relationship going between your son and his grandparents. Please stop."
"I know you're doing it for him and so he has a link to your husband's side of the family, but it's obvious they don't consider him the same. If they did, they would reach out to you for visits with him and they wouldn't care if he had the ring."
"Next time MIL asks for the ring ask her why it's not okay for your son to have the heirloom of both his father and his great grandfather. Tell her you might consider giving it back if she has any boxes of your husband's things from his younger years to trade. Let her know you're not being unreasonable, you're protecting the limited physical links your son has to his dad."
"Normally, I wouldn't even offer a trade first. But a box of high school memories and yearbooks would likely mean more to your son than a ring. Although, I do suggest popping by a jeweler and getting that ring appraised. The ugliest jewelry can pay for a college education 10x over and greed is a great motivator." ~ karmadoesntwait
"But it has already gone to your son. It’s in his treasure box for goodness’ sake. It can’t possibly be taken back now."
"Perhaps explain to the family that it has already been passed on to your son and you have no intention of taking away one of the few tangible reminders he has of his dad."
"It’s not about whether the ring is tacky or your son will ever wear it, imho. It’s a physical reminder of his father. Of course he should hold onto it. He’s already tragically lost his father far too young (and my sympathies to both of you). Taking back the ring would possibly create another wound, wouldn’t it?"
"Though, really, I think the fact that you’ve already given the ring to your son settles the matter morally. It’s his and no longer yours to dispose of as executor." ~ DH-Canada
"If it’s already in his lock box with his best Hot Wheels, that’s his ring. MIL is not being a nice grandmother to try and steal it from the boy now." ~ Present_Paint_5926
"He 100% gets to keep it. It was his dad’s. Does MIL know he loves it and knows it’s special? She doesn’t get to demand it back from her grandchild. It is still in the family. NTA." ~ Background_Ant_3617
"NTA. Doesn't matter how ugly the ring is. 'This belonged to your dad' is pretty powerful for a child who's dad has passed. That's added meaning for your son that no one else will ever have for it."
"You said it was your son's now, so I take it your belief is that your husband would want him to have it."
"That's all you need. Start calling out his family for what they are—grave robbers trying to steal family history from their grandson." ~ Dustquake
OP has already given the ring to her late husband’s rightful heir. That's all his family needs to know.
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