Not everyone has the privilege of sharing family heirlooms and family traditions.
But some people are so desperate to feel "involved," they show an ugly side when inquiring about a possible heirloom, especially when it's not ready to be given, side-eyed the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor bluesjean had been a widow for the past ten years and still had a few things that her sentimental from her marriage, including her late husband's wedding ring.
She was taken aback when her future daughter-in-law inquired about receiving the ring, but the Original Poster (OP) was shocked when the family was dismissive of her feelings about the ring and said reminiscing about her marriage was just "living in the past."
She asked the sub:
"AITAH for refusing to let my daughter-in-law (DIL) take my late husband's wedding ring?"
The OP was sentimental about some of her late husband's things, especially his wedding ring.
"I'm a widow in my 60s. My husband passed away 10 years ago, and I've kept his wedding ring in a little box with some of his things."
"It's nothing fancy, just a plain gold band, but it's one of the few things I still have that feels like him."
"Sometimes, when I miss him, I take it out and hold it. It's been a real comfort over the years."
The OP's daughter-in-law's fixation on the ring was uncomfortable for her.
"My daughter-in-law (DIL), Jenna, has always commented on the ring when she visits."
"She'll say things like, 'It's so timeless,' or, 'I'd love to wear something with that kind of history.'"
"I thought she was just being nice, but last week, she came right out and asked if she could borrow it for a while."
"I didn't really know how to respond at first."
"She said wearing it would help her feel closer to the family and honor my husband."
"I told her I wasn't comfortable with that. The ring is so personal to me. It's not just something you loan out; it's a part of my memories with him."
Jenna lashed out when she didn't get what she wanted.
"But Jenna didn't seem to understand. She got upset and said she didn't think I trusted her and that I was being selfish for keeping something so meaningful to our family locked away."
"She even said it would mean more to her to wear it than for me to just keep it in a box."
"My son didn't really say much at the time, but later, I got a text from Jenna. It was long and emotional."
"She said she was hurt, that I was treating her like an outsider, and that maybe I was 'too stuck in the past' to see how much this would mean to her."
"She even hinted that I was being controlling, which honestly broke my heart."
The OP was surprised by the rest of the family's reaction, as well.
"Now, some other family members are saying I'm overreacting and that it's just a ring."
"But it doesn't feel that way to me. My husband and I were married for 35 years. That ring has been with me through everything: good times, bad times, and raising our kids."
"I don't want to sound dramatic, but it feels like a piece of him is still with me. I can't imagine letting it out of my sight."
"I'm starting to wonder if I'm being unreasonable, though. Jenna seems to think I'm trying to shut her out, and the last thing I want is to cause tension in the family. I don't know if I should apologize or stick to my decision."
"AITAH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some didn't understand Jenna's fixation on the wedding ring of someone she'd never met.
"She's not even related to your husband?"
"Like, if it was a child requesting it, I could see that. But it's her father-in-law's wedding ring? Who I'm assuming she's never even met, unless she and your son have dated for a really long time?"
"Lol (laughing out loud), she can get f**ked, honestly. She has zero claim to it, let alone to cause drama amongst the family about it. NTA." - BulbasaurRanch
"The only person other than you who might have even a portion of the sentimental attachment to the ring would be your son, assuming it was his father's wedding ring."
"And your DIL isn't even asking for the ring because her husband wants it, that I could understand. She's asking for herself, and that's just weird." - mara-jayne
"NTA. It's your husband's wedding ring. You have every right to decide if you lend it or not."
"And I'm not even sure the ring would fit her. If you lent it to her, she could try to get it resized to fit her, and that's irreversible." - Aledraws5
"She saw your late husband's wedding ring and thought, 'Mine… mine… mine...' because... why?"
"Unless she's Gollum from 'Lord of the Rings,' and it's a MAGIC ring, this makes no sense."
"'Not everything belongs to you' is a kindergarten-level concept."
"Is it too late for your son to return her? Is the warranty expired?"
"NTA." - Ok_Stable7501
"She is weird. When my former mother-in-law passed, another daughter-in-law in the family immediately asked the four sisters for some jewelry she wanted. They all told her to get f**ked."
"It would be one thing if the son asked for the ring because HIS son was grown and getting married, kind of like passing down a grandmother's wedding ring to the granddaughter, but a daughter-in-law asking for the father-in-law's ring is wild."
"And nobody should be giving OP any crap about it! NTA." - Pnknlvr96
"NTA. Jenna certainly is entitled, huh? It's really weird that the daughter-IN-LAW wants a man's ring, not the son."
"You need to shut her down. I absolutely cannot imagine having the selfish balls (or stupidity) to ask a widowed parent-in-law for something so personal and then to expect backup from the rest of the family." - FloMoJoeBlow
Others agreed and couldn't empathize with the DIL or the rest of the family.
"What the f**k!? Who are these family members saying your late husband's WEDDING RING is just another piece of jewelry? That's bananas."
"NTA, but your DIL and any family members encouraging this lunacy is."
"She was wildly out of line to ask for the ring. This is crazy. Even if it was your son/his son asking, that would be iffy and totally reasonable to say no. The wedding ring was a special symbol between you and your husband. No one else."
"This is wild."
"Also, if the ring isn't that big of a deal, then it's not a big deal to wear it. Can't have it both ways to those saying it's not a big deal."
"I'd say something like, 'DIL, while I appreciate that you want to form stronger bonds with our family, this isn't the way to do it. That ring isn't something I would ever loan out or give to anyone else. It is a symbol of my 35-year marriage to the love of my life. It was inappropriate for you to ask for it in the first place and wildly inappropriate for you to react this way to me saying no.'"
"I really can't believe this even has to be said. D**n. Also, I would hide the ring when she or your son are over. Or wear it." - FrontTour1583
"What an entitled brat. She has no right to ask that of you. It actually makes me feel angry that she would try to guilt trip you over something that is none of her business." - GovernmentBusiness
"To be honest, a wedding ring isn't special to a family, it's special to the couple that committed their lives to each other. That ring is a keepsake of everything you built together. My parents' rings are meaningful to me, but certainly not more meaningful than the rings are to them!"
"Your daughter-in-law is being an AH and very uncaring. I actually thought this post was going to be your DIL asking for it to give to your son when they get married. Maybe you could talk to your son and ask him to handle it. Do you have other kids that could talk to her?"
"Don't let go of his ring, OP, and keep standing your ground." - Fox_Forest000
"NTA. Jenna is mad that you won't give her what she wants, and she's getting the rest of the family involved. This is a petty power play. Jenna is your DIL... She's not even a daughter, and she still wants your wedding ring?"
"I'd double down and tell her that the ring is yours and brings you comfort. If she keeps acting like this, you'll be wearing that ring when they bury you." - beek_r
"NTA, but Jenna has a screw loose, as does anyone else who thinks she should get your HUSBAND's, not her father's, wedding ring."
"Also, if everyone's so convinced that it's 'just a ring,' maybe THEY should stop being so stuck in the past and go buy 'just another ring' instead." - Lacroix24601
The subReddit couldn't help but side-eye Jenna and the rest of the family for being so dismissive of the OP's feelings, late marriage, and sentimental objects that represented the life she once had.
If it was so unimportant for the OP to keep the wedding ring and to preserve her husband's family, it hardly made sense for Jenna to be so fixated on it when she could start new memories with a new ring.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp