Every couple who gets married has the right to invite and not invite whomever they choose to their big day.
It's their wedding, their rules.
Of course, these decisions will always raise a few eyebrows. The real issue that stirs drama, though, is the specific reasons behind who didn't make the cut.
The who and why can force some difficult conversations.
Redditor Imaginary-Active5980 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback. So naturally, she came to visit the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
"AITA for assuming I was invited to my cousin's wedding, and 'making a scene' when I found out I wasn't?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"My (18 F[emale]) cousin's (22 F) wedding was this weekend."
"I'll call her Mary."
"Growing up, we were pretty close, as I and my siblings (20 F and 23 M[ale]) often went to Mary's house."
"Lately, we haven't seen each other much because all of them moved away for college, but it's still nice to see each other at family events."
"A year and a half ago, she met her now-husband."
"He has been invited to Christmas, Easter, and every family event since then."
"When he was there, I noticed that Mary was a lot more distant than usual."
"She barely talked to me but talked with my siblings all night."
"I figured it was probably just because of our age difference."
"A few weeks/months ago, we got an invitation to their wedding in the mail—or at least my parents did."
"My name wasn't mentioned on the invitation, which was addressed to 'The our last names,' but since I still live with my parents and my brother and sister both got one, I assumed I was included, and so did my parents."
"But Mary's face dropped when she saw me."
"She pretended to smile, but I could see something was bothering her."
"The wedding went on, but during the cocktail hour, Mary came up to me and asked me why I came since she didn't send me an invitation."
"I was taken aback a bit, but told her that we assumed I was included and asked her why she didn't invite me."
"She avoided the question, but after insisting a bit, she told me that she wanted her husband's family to have a good impression of her family and didn't want them to know that her cousin was a lesbian because she wanted to have a 'normal family.'"
"For context, our family is pretty open-minded, and all of them accept me, but her husband and his family are a lot more traditional and conservative."
"What I don't understand is, I don't 'look gay' (whatever that means), and they would've never known unless someone told them.
"I was so shocked."
"I told her that she was sick for caring about impressing a bunch of bigots more than her own cousin."
"She got mad at me and we both got a bit loud, which attracted attention."
"People came to find out what was happening."
"When they found out, my parents said that she was being mean and shouldn't have made a big deal about this."
"A bunch of other people said that it was wrong of me to come when I wasn't invited."
"Mary started telling me to leave, so I stormed off."
"Since, I have been receiving texts from her and her parents saying that I was a bi**h for coming, making a scene, and ruining her big day."
"I understand that it's her wedding, and she can invite whoever she wants, but her words were so hurtful."
"And I genuinely thought I was invited."
"But I know it's wrong that I caused such a scene on her wedding day."
"Maybe I should've just left and not said anything?"
The OP was left to wonder:
"AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
"NTA… Just a note for wedding invite etiquette."
"Per the way the invitation was addressed, OP actually was invited."
"When you receive a wedding invitation with multiple family members still living at home, you should always check the envelope."
"If it was addressed to specific people, then only those people were invited."
"If it was addressed to the family, then all members of the family residing at that residence were invited."
"The bride also had the ability to correct her mistake by paying attention to the RSVP, which included who and how many people would be attending."
"This, of course, is a small point compared to the insulting display of homophobia."
"Just wanted to point out that OP made absolutely no mistake in believing she was invited."
"So not only is the bride an AH, she also isn't exactly the sharpest tool in the shed." ~ WeeklyReport3628
"NTA. A card to 'the last names' would normally include everyone in that family living there."
"No reason to ask either."
"I would also have assumed I was invited."
"Your cousin is an AH."
"Bigots are automatically AH's."
"There's no 'looking gay,' that's crap."
"Hell I 'look gay' but am straight, and plenty of lesbians aren't the 'butch gay' type bigots envision."
"I'm sorry to say your cousin is a bigot."
'She cares more about the bigoted I[n] L[aw]'s than her own cousin."
"You were hurt and logically so."
"You reacted in a way that could be expected from someone who has been hurt."
"Sending you hugs!" ~ Parttime-Princess
"NTA. If your parents and siblings were all invited, it would be logical to believe you were invited too."
"Especially as nobody had discussed it with your family."
"Did your grandparents know that you weren't invited?"
"At least your family can cut them all off, knowing what awful people they are." ~ 3bag
"If I were your parents and siblings, I would have made a much larger scene and taken my gifts back. NTA." ~ squishpitcher
"NTA... she ruined things for herself by putting you on the spot and then escalating things and by being a huge bigot."
"She should have kept her pie hole shut and been a gracious hostess."
"You did nothing wrong - based on the invitation, you were right to assume you were welcome." ~ FauveSxMcW
"I'm going with NTA if it was genuinely an innocent mistake about the invite."
"I mean, you live at home, your parents and siblings were invited, you've never been previously excluded, there was no reason to think that you weren't included even though not specifically mentioned, as you said your siblings don't live at home so they got separate invites."
"Out of interest, would your parents and siblings, etc, still have gone to the wedding if they knew that you had been excluded for being a lesbian?"
"Even about the scene: you did not cause a scene. She was the one that made a scene."
"She could've just looked past your attendance since you weren't harming anyone."
"But instead, she insulted you, and you defended yourself." ~ Equivalent-Moose2886
"I don't think imagining what the parents and siblings would have done is productive in this scenario."
"The cousin is a double idiot: first of all excluding a family member based on her sexuality, as she wants to portray a 'normal family'; second bringing the topic of her wedding itself up of course was going to bring more questions than anything else."
"NTA - The mistake sounds honest."
"Excluding a family member from a family event at this level is a big deal and it wouldn't be normal to think you weren't invited if there wasn't a previous event that indicates there was a problem." ~ Frumainthedark
OP responded...
"I don't think my parents and siblings would've gone if they knew."
"My parents have always tried to protect me when people were being homophobic to me (partly because many kids kind of bothered me about it throughout high school), so I don't think they would've been okay with it."
"Maybe they would've gone just so that there wouldn't be drama, but they definitely would've been angry at my cousin."
"My parents left a while after I did."
"When I left they started talking to my cousin and aunt and uncle, to try to make them realize that they were being awful basically."
"They also gave them a whole speech on the whole 'being ashamed of having a gay family member' thing."
"Even though I felt a bit alone when I left, I'm glad that they stayed and had that conversation with them, because I think it's important to tell them how rude they were being, and I was in no state to do that."
Reddit continued...
"I would think the chance of your parents and siblings not going was the reason why they never directly said you weren't invited and made the invite very ambiguous."
"You are NTA." ~ SorbetOk1165
"She is mad because she completely embarrassed herself at her own wedding and showed everyone who she really is."
"The whole situation is on her."
"If she didn't want you to be invited, she should have used her words before the wedding, but she didn't want to do that because she knew no one would support it and that everyone would either be angry at her or just refuse to go to the wedding."
"She just handled the situation all wrong."
"If she had even just had a word with you before the wedding day to say that his family is super conservative, would you mind keeping it to yourself that you're a lesbian, I'm sure you would've agreed."
"But clearly her husband is as bigoted and homophobic as the rest of his family if she was already less communicative with you during previous events."
"It's unfortunate that she's changed herself for a man, and not in a good way." ~ Equivalent-Moose2886
"This was exactly my thought, also, u/Equivalent-Moose2886."
"I mean, yes, OP should have suspected that something was up when her cousin began avoiding her at gatherings."
"And she should have attempted to confront her cousin and ask why she was avoiding her."
"And if she couldn't, then she should have asked other family members to ask the cousin why she was avoiding her."
"Or, at least, that's what I would have done, anyway."
"But exactly. The only one who was embarrassed here was OP's cousin."
"And she should be ashamed of herself for not pulling OP aside and saying that she can't speak about her sexual orientation or anything relating to it at the wedding."
"And for doing everything that she did instead, which were, clearly and obviously, ALL of the wrong things."
"From not making the names on the invitation that she sent to the home where their parents and OP live, to making a scene at the wedding and embarrassing herself, TO CHANGING HERSELF FOR A MAN!"
"If she needed advice on how to handle this situation, she should have asked her parents."
"Although, maybe, actually, if she didn't already know what the right way to handle this situation was without needing to consult her parents, then maybe she isn't mature or adult enough of a person to get married."
"NTA, OP! I'm so sorry that you went through all of that."
"If I may give some advice, it would be that you go N[o] C[ontact], or at least L[ow] C[ontact], with your sister, if you haven't already."
"As her marriage goes on, she will change herself more and more and become more like the family that she has married into."
"Believe me. And trust me."
"I know that this will happen."
"I have experienced this kind of thing myself firsthand."
"My brother married a woman from El Salvador back in 2012 (they became B[oy]F[riend] and G[irl]F[riend] their senior year of high school in 2005), and he has basically become a Salvadoran and is very combatant and argumentative and gangs up with my S[ister]-I[n]-L[aw] and her brothers and parents on my mom (single parent and I can't be there to protect her right now) a lot when politics and other certain topics come up."
"Sending strength, hugs, and love. 💪🫂🧡🤎🫶." ~ morchard1493
"NTA, I think your cousin deliberately was wishy-washy in the letter, because she did not want your parents to know that you weren't invited, but she also wanted to butter up her new bigoted family."
"And when you came, she tried to blame it all on you and provoke you in order to make you look like you were in the wrong."
"I don't know why she married into a bunch of bigots because one day she will get the short end of the stick if she hasn't already."
"She is a moron because there is no way in hell that that family will ever stand up for her."
'I would cut ties with her completely and not help her when she eventually pops up whining again a year from now because her bigoted husband refuses to treat her like a human being and her new parents-in-law mistreat her."
"She has burned this bridge and embraced homophobia."
"She also humiliated you."
"She did not even have the balls to write the wedding invitation normally -- nobody writes 'the last names' and nothing else." ~ Prof-Dr-Overdrive
"NTA. Wedding etiquette is that if the invite says 'Johnson Family,' all members of the household are invited."
"If there are exclusions, the invite should read 'John and Jane Johnson.'"
"The fact that she didn't do that was mistake 1."
"Then, she could've just let go for the day."
"Instead, she decided to ask you why you came, despite you technically having been invited."
"During that, she dragged in your sexuality, implying you were embarrassing her."
"Sure, you could've held your head high saying 'Well, I'm terribly sorry for insulting you. Enjoy the rest of your wedding while I see myself out.'"
"That would've been most gracious, but more gracious than she deserved after the run-up."
"So yes, this is on your homophobic cousin." ~ DutchTinCan
"NTA ...it makes perfect sense to assume that the invite to your parents was meant for you as well."
"If she didn't want you to come, she should have explicitly told you so beforehand." ~ Overall_Sorbet248
"Even without an invitation, your cousin is dumb as a brick."
"How does she think it would pan out when your family finds out you were the only one who wasn't invited." ~ BaghdadA**Up
"NTA, she's a nasty bigot, genuinely couldn't care if her wedding was ruined or not, stay well away from her, she's the wrong one." ~ Acceptable_Bunch_586
"NTA... drop your homophobic cousin's a**." ~ Nice-Highlight481
This is a terrible situation in which you've been thrust into OP.
You clearly have Reddit's full support.
It's sad that your cousin is choosing bigotry over you.
Some people don't change for the better.
You keep being you, proud and normal.
Thankfully, it sounds like you have the family support you really need.
Good luck.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp