Homophobia within the family is a tough sell when you’re the gay person in your family. It can seriously ruin all relationships with anyone who sides with the homophobia.
Redditor throwawayfamxmas was facing some serious homophobia if she and her partner went home for Christmas, so she decided she was not going to do that. Unfortunately for her, because of the “blood is thicker than water” mentality, some of her family were less than thrilled with her decision to protect herself from this homophobic person.
Needing feedback before she could make her final decision, she went to the popular subReddit “AM I The A**hole?” or “AITA” to poll objective strangers.
“WIBTA [Would I Be The A**hole] if I don’t go to my family’s annual Christmas breakfast?”
Our original poster, or OP, talked about the things that put tension between her and this homophobic family member.
“Background: I (23f[emale]) have been married to my wonderful wife (23f) for 2 years now. My aunt, Shirley (fake name), refused to come to our wedding reception & has made several Facebook posts directly against the LGBTQ+ Community which we have looked past.”
“I unfriended Shirley on Facebook a few months ago so I don’t see her posts. Last week, my sister sent me a screenshot of a post Shirley shared which said ‘God doesn’t accept homosexuality & neither do we!’ with a Bible verse.”
“This hurt me. Thankfully, several other family members commented and said they still love and accept people in the LGBTQ+ Community (including a pastor where Shirley led as the youth ministry director where I went to church as a teen).”
“By the next day, Shirley had taken the post down. I was, and still am, very hurt by it. I reached out to my grandma & mother and explained to them that I would not be attending our family Christmas breakfast if Shirley would be there. They both seemed to understand.”
“This all happened last week. Last night, my grandma told me Shirley wanted to come have a talk with my grandma, my mom, & I.”
“I told her that I felt Shirley should reach out to me, but I don’t feel like talking to her at this point. My grandma seemed to understand.”
When the homophobic Aunt wanted to talk, OP was a little less sympathetic.
“Tonight, my grandma told me she spoke with Shirley. She said Shirley feels very upset and she loves my wife & I, but she just can’t accept us for being gay.”
“I explained to my grandma that I don’t feel comfortable around Shirley & I won’t be coming to Christmas. I feel like everyone is upset with me.”
“Everyone keeps saying they feel so bad for my uncle because he is in a tough position, but they all still expect me to be around Shirley on what is supposed to be the happiest time of the year.”
“WIBTA if I don’t go to Christmas or any other holidays/events if Shirley will be there?”
Anonymous strangers weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
Redditors largely felt OP had the right to protect her and her wife from homophobia.
“NTA Why would you want to go to the holiday breakfast with a woman who professes to love you and your wife and publicly and privately disparages your sexuality and marriage.”
“Thanks, but no thanks. It’s sounds like a good time for you and your wife to start your own tradition.”-Yellow_Stop
“NTA. First of all you don’t even need this good of a reason to skip the holidays! You are grown and you can decide how to celebrate and who you do it with!”
“I have some strong words for your aunt but moreso even for your family if they’re actually upset! I hope they aren’t and you just have a guilt complex!”
“Imagine thinking it’s better to placate a homophobe than make you and your wife feel loved, welcomed, and comfortable.”
“Merry Christmas OP I hope it works out well!”-Zealousideal-Feed156
“NTA Shirley may say she loves you but if she can’t accept you for you, then those are empty words. You are making heathy boundaries for you and your wife.”
“It sounds like your family just wants everyone to get along. Perhaps tell them when you’re ready to talk to your aunt you will reach out until then you need everyone to respect your feelings and the hurt she caused you.”
“You got this. Perhaps start a new breakfast tradition with friends who might be alone on Christmas.”-Dominique_eastwick
“Nta, family like this is why I still am not openly flat out out to the family. ‘Love the sinner hate the sin’ is a bunch of crap. Bible thumping homophobia is the worst. Make your own traditions.”
“Also slip grandma and mom the facts on the anti gay agenda in the Bible… the original Hebrew text says that man shall not lay with a boy like that.”
“Homosexual wasn’t even a word yet. It was changed in the 1940s when homophobia became a thing. People who actually know their religion know this… ya know like the pastor you mentioned. 🥰😘”-anonymousblonde6
People widely saw OP was doing the most sensible thing for her and her spouse.
“NTA. You can’t say you love someone and then in the same breath say you can’t/won’t/refuse to accept something that’s at the core of who they are.”
“And the fact that your family is upset with you for not wanting to put yourself and your wife into that situation says a lot about them as well.”
“There’s no reason you should have to put yourself in a toxic situation like that, especially around Christmas.”-South_Praline4095
“Definitely NTA. Your aunt is homophobic and her presence is violent to you and your partners spirit. Not ‘accepting’ you for being gay or ‘loving the sinner hating the sin’ does not make her intolerance tolerable and you don’t need to subject you and your family to that.”
“You’re breaking cycles of trauma and oppression!! Good for you? You could, I guess, see your aunt as the sad woman she is who holds also herself to unattainable standards and must deal with the guilt of her own sins daily which anyone with a religious past knows is PURE HELL, but I say fuck that.”
“You can be a Christian and not be an asshole to people who don’t share your faith, or impossible morals. SPREAD THE NEWS!”
“My boyfriend is a Christian + Theologian and I’m an atheist (former Christian who was born Catholic).”
“My boyfriend is LGBTQ+ affirming and truly lives his Christianity without ANY judgment for others, except the narrow-minded Bible thumpers who can’t get their heads out of their own a**es and see the world they live in.”
“Stay home. Start a new tradition. Family isn’t always or only Blood. Be love. 💜❤️🧡💛💚💙”-BlueMa11
“NTA. Remind the rest of your family that your marriage makes a mockery of everything she holds dear, and her god would be displeased with her if she were to spend time around such people.”
“You will stay away not just for your comfort but for the sake of Shirley’s eternal soul. Okay, maybe that’s too passive aggressive and you shouldn’t say that. But still give yourself and your wife the best Christmas gift: peace.”-Equal-Comprehensive
“NTA. N-T-A! I get so mad when people (you and your wife) cut yourself out of celebrations because of a AH relative, rather than the whole family cutting the homophobic relative out of the celebration.”
“Your aunt cannot love you and hate who you are. For the record, God created you just exactly as he wanted you to be, (if your so inclined to believe in God) and you are loved and perfect in his sight.”
“Is there any way you can create an event over the holiday’s that doesn’t include your aunt, sorry about her hubby, maybe he would love to come without her. It may wake the whole family up to not cater to a bigot.”-RobinsRoads05
And people were also wondering why OP’s family weren’t standing up for her more.
“NTA, of course. If it were me tho.. I’d go. But I’d be dressed like I was headed to a pride parade, glitter included.”
“And then id be obnoxiously affectionate toward my partner..not overly sexualized of course, just ridiculous baby talk pet names, constant snuggling, and plenty of no-tongue kisses.”
“I would never have the chance tho, because my family doesn’t accept bigotry, unlike your family of AHs. They should be choosing you.”-NancyNuggets
“NTA. I’m so sorry this ugly person is dividing your family like this. But it is definitely her fault, not yours, not your wife’s.”
“I wish your other family could learn to listen better about how Shirley’s hatefulness affects you. If they are expecting you to show up for their sake, even knowing that Shirley has made bigoted comments in public in the past, they are asking you for too much.”
“You & your wife deserve to be around people who ALL love & respect you. I agree with other commenters that you should feel free to start your own holiday traditions!”
“If you are up to it, you could even invite your other family members to participate. But that depends on how much you feel ready to take that on, and if you feel you can trust them to not guilt trip you further.”
“You have nothing to feel guilty about here. You aren’t responsible for their feelings. If they miss you & want you to attend, they need to make you feel safe & loved & welcome.”
“I wish you all the best & hope you have a really wonderful holiday with people who truly love & respect you!”-originalfreckle
“Nope! NTA. Not wanting to be around someone who is toxic to you is not wrong. Your family is enabling her.”
“Frankly they should uninvite her. If you were my child I would have put her in her place a while ago. I would have put my foot down and said I wouldn’t be attending anything she does out of solidarity to my kid.”
“Her beliefs are her beliefs. But she can darn well understand that constantly and very publicly insulting you and your wife is unacceptable.”-Last_Caterpillar8770
“NTA. That’s not love. That’s peer pressure. I didn’t realize I was gay until after college, and I was lucky to have a Mom and stepdad who loved me unconditionally.”
“When my aunt started in with, ‘You know what it means in God’s eyes that she’s a lesbian,’ my Mom shut her down with ‘Tread carefully. It would be a shame to never see my sister again because she mistreats my daughter.’”
“You deserve nothing less. And, congrats on finding your wife!”-Itsjust4comments
OP and her wife might be overdue to start some new Christmas traditions if their homophobic aunt cannot be disincluded from family festivities.
It’s time to only allow people into your space who truly accept you for who you are.