For me, purses have always been something to carry my stuff in. But some people pay tens of thousands of dollars for them.
I don’t understand the appeal—most just look like a standard, rather boring purse to me. But if it makes someone happy to carry their car keys and lip balm in a $10,000 bag, who am I to judge?
A woman who likes her purses to be more interesting turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
HereForParanormal asked:
“AITA for refusing a luxury purse from my mother-in-law (MIL)?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“I (27, female) refurbish purses, both luxury and sentimental, as a lucrative side hustle. Sometimes I’ll also go to thrift stores and see if I can find purses that people have discarded and either sell them or give them as gifts.”
“About 6 months ago, I found a black Latico Leathers tote that was in great condition and decided to keep it for myself. I have a pretty maximalist aesthetic so I make it my own by tying various scarves and beads around the handle periodically.”
“It currently has a blue tulip scarf tied to one side, a couple orange and pink beaded chains my nieces made me, and various cat keychains, just for reference. I love this bag and I love it even more than it only cost me $8.”
“My husband (28, male) and I eat dinner at my MIL’s house quite often and she is the originator of the clean girl aesthetic. Everything in her house is very white and minimal.”
“Her style is also this way and she only wears neutrals. I say this because when I first came over with my new bag, she had said how loud it was.”
“From then on, every time we went over to her house she always made some sort of, ‘you still carrying that thing around everywhere?’ comment. It got to the point that I just started leaving it in the car.”
“A month ago, though, we all went out to a nicer restaurant and I brought my bag in, to which my MIL scoffed and said, ‘Please leave that ugly thing in the car. It’s so embarrassing’.”
“This struck a nerve and we had a little tiff over it, to which it ended with her making a comment that she was going to buy me another bag so she didn’t have to look at mine anymore. In the moment, I didn’t take her seriously and I honestly forgot the whole comment entirely.”
“Last week, we went over for dinner at her house when she met us at the door with a huge smile. She grabbed my arm and rushed me to the other room and told me she had something to show me.”
“There was a Kate Spade Perfect Large Tote in a yellow/beige color. ‘Put it on!’ she said, ‘Don’t you love it?’.”
“That’s when I realized that she had bought this for me and I said, ‘I really appreciate the gesture, but if you’re going to get me a bag, it would be nice to go shopping together so that I can get something that is more my style’.”
“She told me that it was final sale and when I told her that she should keep it for herself, she blew up and started calling me ungrateful. I told her I wasn’t going to take something that I wouldn’t use, let alone didn’t like and she started crying.”
“My husband and I left and he told me I should have just taken the bag and used it when we went out with her. For me, something expensive like that should be used by someone who really likes it and it’s obvious she bought it to project herself onto me.”
“AITA?”
The OP summed up their situation.
“I might be the a**hole for refusing to accept the purse my MIL bought me because I offended her and made her cry.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
“When it comes to gifts, isn’t it the thought that counts?”
“When the thought is, ‘Your tacky a** bag embarrasses me, so I bought you something else that won’t shame me when we’re in public’, I’m pretty sure you’re under no obligation to graciously accept. NTA.” ~ PettyLabelleOtheBall
“Agreed, 100% NTA. When gifts are just a manipulation technique, no need to be grateful.”
“And what’s up with the husband not having OP’s back? He should have shut his mom down a long time ago.” ~ Salty-Initiative-242
“NTA. As long as your bag doesn’t have something lewd or profane on it, she’s out of line asking you to remove it just because she finds it ugly. It’s inappropriate for her to try to project her aesthetic preferences on you.”
“This wasn’t just a poorly chosen, thoughtless gift where she was misguided, but just wanted to get you something nice in good faith.”
“This sounds more like her specifically trying to alter your preferences to something she finds more ‘acceptable’. You shouldn’t have to do that, and you were right not to take it under these circumstances.” ~ freerange_chicken
“I think there’s a difference between graciously accepting a gift that isn’t your style because the giver meant well, and whatever’s happening here. Your MIL didn’t mean well.”
“She wanted you to stop carrying the purse you enjoy and switch to one that doesn’t embarrass her. The impulse on her part was purely self-serving. So NTA.” ~ jmbbl
“She wasn’t trying to be nice, she was trying to change OP because she thinks her bag is tacky and embarrassing. NTA.”
“Personally I would have suggested OP take the bag then spicy it up the way she did the other bag so she makes MIL hate it even more than she did the original bag. Make it 10x louder and more over the top.”
“Then make comments like ‘oh, MIL don’t you just looove what I’ve done with the bag? It’s sooo much better now’. Make her regret the day she bought it for you.” ~ mocha_lattes_
“So go out and buy her the loudest throw blanket you can find. Gift it to her on her birthday or for Christmas and remark that her monotone interior looked like it could use a punch of color. Make sure to add ‘Don’t you just love it?’.”
“NTA, and clearly this was a manipulative move. She knows it wasn’t your taste, it was HERS.”
“The whole crying thing was so petty. Has she always manipulated your husband like this?” ~ VeritasB
“For the life of me, I can’t understand how someone else’s purse can cause a person all this stress and drama.”
“So she doesn’t like your purse? That’s a shame, but at least it isn’t on her body. Continuously pestering you about it was rude and ridiculous.”
“I can’t imagine how and why she let it bother her as much as it did. I am jealous of the amount of time she obviously has on her hands that this is what she can afford to focus on.”
“Her buying you this purse wasn’t a gift. It was an attempt at control, because if you had accepted it she would have considered it a slap in the face every time you turned up without it, which her hysterical reaction proves.”
“Now you have to plan a whole outfit around the purse she gave you every time you see her. Now you’ve shown her you CAN be bent to suit her whims.”
“You were right not to take it.”
“As for your husband saying you should have taken it and worn it around her, I’d ask him what exactly gives his mother the right to dictate what you wear. Because that’s what she’s trying to do. NTA.” ~ Fleurtheleast
“If she had accepted the purse and worn it around MIL to appease her, MIL would have taken the victory and then moved on to ‘fixing’ the next ‘problem’ with OP.”
“Might have been other clothing or accessories MIL didn’t like, or her hair color, or who knows what, because people like MIL are never happy.”
“They always find things to pick at and whine about. Accepting the purse would have been her foot in the door to insisting that OP keep changing herself to suit MIL while never actually being able to be good enough.”
“F*ck people like her. OP handled it right and her husband needs to support her. NTA.” ~ dr_cl_aphra
“NTA. But after she called my bag ‘hideous,’ I would have taken the beige purse and made it even more SPECTACULARLY garish than the original.”
“You think scarves are a lot, MIL? I have wind chimes, fake ivy, and a pop-up hummingbird on this one now.” ~ SeparateProblem3029
“NTA at all. The moment the MIL insulted you IN PUBLIC … everyone suggesting you just ‘put up and shut up’ became wrong—including your husband.”
“That bag wasn’t a ‘gift’—it was a power move.”
“You have a style, and MIL has a different style and rather than being kind and caring she has chosen to be passive aggressive and generally terrible. Your husband needs to figure out who he is married to and either support you or go home to mommy.” ~ txa1265
It sounds everyone agreed the gift wasn’t given in good faith.
Hopefully the OP’s husband realizes this too.