Lending out money to loved ones can make relationships awkward.
A lot of people tend not to pay back personal loans on time or at all.
This is especially problematic when borrowers know the lenders aren't hurting to get the cash back.
But paying back a loan is supposedly the right thing to do.
This back and forth has ruined many a relationship.
Redditor Fresh_Blueberry_3200 wanted to discuss his experience and get some feedback, so naturally, he came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
He asked:
"AITA for telling friends and family I'm broke when they need money?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I (50 M[ale]) had several instances in my 20s where friends and family members borrowed money from me."
"They either never paid it back, or I had to really pressure them for the money."
"The problem is everyone knew I made decent money, and knew I was a habitual saver."
"So when they got hard up, they'd come to me like an ATM machine."
"They'd be like, 'Come on, man, I know you got the money!'"
"Then I'd get the hard luck sob story followed by 'I'll pay you back when I get…'"
"So I opened up a new bank account."
"I only put $20 in savings, the minimum required by this bank."
"Then I'd put enough in the checking account for bills, groceries, and spend it that day so that the account only had a few bucks left."
"When folks would hit me up for money, I'd be like, 'Sorry, I'd like to help you out, but money's tight right now.'"
"They'd call bull s**t, and I'd log into that account and show them."
"They'd go away all dejected."
"After a few years of this, people started asking where my money went."
"Obviously, I'm not going to tell them the truth (savings, HYSA, investments).'
"So I'd say 'beer' or 'strip club' or 'casino.'"
"And not only did they believe me (because that's what they did), but by the 2010s, they were lecturing me about not wasting my money! 🤣"
"Anyway, in the 2010s, I got married and filled my wife in on the situation."
"She thought it was funny."
"Anyway, my sister came over for Halloween and made some comment about how glad she was that I'd learned to be more responsible with money."
"My wife started laughing and spilled the beans."
"My sister confronted me, and I confirmed it was true."
"Then I told her I wasn't 20 anymore and if she hit me up for money, the answer was 'no!'"
"She told the rest of the family."
"Some think it's hilarious, but others think I'm a tight-wadded a**hole."
"Some have asked me how much I have, and I tell them, 'none of your business.'"
The OP was left to wonder:
"So... AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
"NTA, but your sister is for telling everyone." ~ kibbiepdx
"I'm perplexed about everyone in your orbit feeling comfortable discussing (your) money like this."
"My family has no idea how much money I have, or how I spend it."
"I have no idea about their financials."
"It's none of anyone's god damned business."
"The fact that you set up a decoy account and then showed them the balance is wild to me."
"I mean, you made it work, but I would have just told everyone to go f**k themselves instead." ~ wikedsmaht
"NTA. Funny how many learned to survive without your help." ~ PDK112
"NTA, and you've learned a valuable lesson to tell your family and friends to mind your own business."
"Personally, I would drop people who were always hitting me up for money." ~ MarionberryPlus8474
"NTA. You are not the family ATM."
"It's really that simple."
"You do need to have a talk with your wife about sabotaging you and throwing you under the bus like that, though."
"She should be supporting you in refusing to give family and friends money that you'll never see a penny of back." ~ No-Assignment5538
"NTA. It's not your responsibility to bankroll them."
"It's hilarious." ~ Dependent-Ad-9935
"NTA! Your family deserved it.'
"The fact that your family continued asking for money, had the nerve to ask where it went, lectured you on saving (which apparently they needed to do), and to ask how much you have now is just audacity all the way around."
"Bravo to you!!! 👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽 Well played." ~ FlashyHabit3030
"NTA, you are just being a huge dumb a**."
"Repeat after me: 'I'm sorry, no; I don't lend money.'"
"Your wishy-washy attitude is what keeps them asking."
"If it doesn't matter how much you may or may not have, it is not their business to even ask."
"If they insist, stop making excuses, stop acting like you have something to apologize for, and just say no and get offended if they don't drop it." ~ Unlucky-Clock5230
"NTA. Your finances aren't anyone's business but your own. Period." ~ BlondDee1970
"NTA. But damn, that wife got a big dumb mouth, huh."
"This is why they say loose lips sink ships."
"She's the type to sink a destroyer with hundreds of souls on it." ~ Free-Place-3930
"This needs to be shut down pronto."
"Have a level-headed conversation with your wife about never ever sharing financial information with friends, coworkers, or family. Never."
"Some people just don't know what that can do, so be gentle.'
"Consistently convey a lack of immediate funds through white lies or when the opportunity presents itself."
"Establish that as background noise, like the driveway needs repairing, the car's in the shop, insurance didn't cover something—it's all true over time."
"Talk like a penny pincher."
"That your relations disparage you for poor money handling is laughable given they have their hands out." ~ shorthandgregg
"Tell your wife that pillow talk stays with only those who lie on the pillow."
"Zip IT!"
"Tight wad, yes; a**hole nope."
"Tight wad is a metaphor for I'm financially positioning myself to be self-sufficient."
"NTA NTA NTA!!!"
"I had similar experiences with friends and family."
"I am the tightwad wad, and it has served me well my entire life."
"Initially, I was the bank that never received repayment."
"Finally, I got tired of it and started a practice similar to yours.'
"I saved a VERY minuscule amount from every check, like $5 minuscule, into a 'to be stolen fund.'"
"When someone asks to 'borrow' I would look at the fund, see how much was there, and say sure - steal away, or no, I don't have it."
"Which wasn't a lie."
"If I'm working every day and not financially where I can retire and live then life I want then I don't have it to cover anyone else's mismanagement or life crisis."
"On the occasion I was able to lend from the 'to be stolen fund,' I would put the burden on the recipient of the funds to either repay the debt or supply the next request."
"So when person B would ask to borrow, I would say I don't have it because person A didn't repay the account."
"If you can get the money from person A, you can borrow it."
"Creating this cyclic pattern of accountability reduced the ask to zero."
"I still would loan to a couple of individuals when there was true hardship." ~ m-sy
"NTA. Example: one of my sisters is married to a deadbeat who hasn't worked in over a decade (not held down a full-time job, that is)."
"Every time he gets something full-time, he conveniently gets 'sick.'"
"So she's the only one who's worked their whole marriage."
"There's nothing wrong with him (my other sister is a nurse and offered to help him apply for disability for his 'illnesses' but he refuses, and we believe he's lied)."
"My sister won't leave him; their kids are adults now, and she won't listen to us."
"I made the mistake of helping them out with groceries once (I had an extra $100 and my sister was complaining to me, so I decided to help her)."
'After that, I was their ATM, and it got to the point that she'd only contact me when she wanted money."
"He'd make her ask because my sister and I would tell him no."
"After yet another eviction because my sister couldn't afford their rent by herself, I put my foot down."
"They tried to get more money out of me, and I got tired of it."
"I'm just one person, and I can't keep bailing them out."
"All these people acting like OP owes his family - no, he does not."
"And if there is some toxicity, then definitely not."
"His money is his to do whatever he wants."
"Anyone else with a toxic family gets it. It is not safe for them to know what you've got." ~ FnapSnaps
"NTA. You were surrounded by moochers."
"Your ruse was your training-wheels method of being able to say 'no' until you could just say it."
"The answer didn't change; its appropriateness didn't change."
"And apparently, some of those mooching relatives haven't changed." ~ swillshop
"Will admit this is hilarious."
"I can go into far too much detail of how, yes, they will drain you dry until you cut them off."
"Heck, this year I managed to secure my sibling with a payment the equivalent of almost two months of my wages, and they blew it all on a holiday, and as they were still requesting their £100 birthday money as they would be skint when they got back from it."
"There are more reasons, but they are definitely now cut off."
"I think your wife is learning firsthand why you did what you did."
"You do not exist to act as a source of revenue due to being related."
"No means no." ~ Acceptable-Net-154
"NTA. Sister is going to sound the trumpet, and the next holiday or family gathering should be fun."
"Bring a box of chocolates since it stimulates cognitive functions."
"Give one to everyone who either blatantly asks for 'help' or those who play the long game, putting out feelers for 'help.'"
"At least when you tell them 'NO!', they may be able to understand it is the end of the discussion."
"Update this in about 3 months, letting us know how many of the 'others who think you're a tight-wadded a**hole' actually hit you up." ~ Hempsox
Reddit has your back, OP.
You don't owe anyone a dime.
You shouldn't have been forced to lie in the first place.
And your wife owes an apology.
Stand firm, no loans.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp