It’s important for divorced parents to maintain a good relationship, for the sake of the children.
This doesn’t mean that they have to be the best of friends, and spend a lot of time with one another, but are willing to help each other out for the sake of their children.
That being said, now that they aren’t married any more, there is a limit to how much any former spouses should feel obligated to help one another.
Specifically, in matters not regarding their children.
The marriage of Redditor boob_jobgoneawrong ended somewhat acrimoniously, so when his ex-wife asked for financial assistance for an upcoming surgery, he was less than inclined to say yes.
Even when his ex-wife reminded him that he was the mother of his child.
Worried he may have been too insensitive, the original poster (OP), took to the subReddit “Am I the A**hole” (AITA), where he asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA I refused to help my ex wife pay for a surgery”
The OP explained that the OP’s ex-wife asked for money to pay for a surgery related to what caused their marriage to end in the first place.
“I and Sierra divorced last year because she used money from our joint account without asking me.”
“She spent it on a boob job because she felt like her boobs had become ‘ugly’ after pregnancy and breastfeeding.”
“I had been completely against the idea of spending money on a plastic surgery but she went and got it without my knowledge.”
“I divorced her immediately after coming to know about it.”
“We have a 2yo daughter now whom we coparent.”
“I have my daughter over every weekend and I pay Sierra child support.”
“Her job doesn’t pay her a lot but she scrapes by somehow.”
“For the past one month or so, she has been leaving our daughter at our home more often.”
“When I asked her why, she said that her back was hurting a lot because of the boob job.”
“I said ok and agreed to have our daughter at my home more often.”
“A week ago, she called me asking me to pick up our daughter immediately because she wasn’t able to even stand up without it paining a lot.”
“I went and picked up my daughter and went home.”
“She didn’t call or text me until yesterday.”
“Yesterday, I got a call from her and she asked me for 4 grand.”
“I asked her why and she said that she couldn’t take the back pain any longer and was going to get her breast implants removed.”
“I refused and told her that it’s not my problem and I don’t see any reason why I should help her.”
“She pulled the ‘I’m the mother of your child’ card and I told her I’m only obligated to give her child support and coparent.”
“She said that it was a very real health issue that she’s facing and I should be willing to help her for the sake of her health.”
“When I refused again, she asked me to loan her the amount.”
“I told her that I don’t trust her to pay me back the interest or even the principal amount.”
“She started crying and cut the call.”
“I’ve been getting calls from her mother and sister and they’re all calling me a jerk for being so petty.”
“I told them they can pay for her surgery if they feel so bad for her and I cut the call.”
“I have blocked her sister and mother.”
“I also texted Sierra that she shouldn’t try to call me except regarding our daughter. I’ve not got any calls or texts after that.”
“She ignored my last messages too.”
The OP went on to explain that his ex-wife’s deception was an ongoing problem from very early in their marriage.
“The very pregnancy started with her deceiving me.”
“She went off pills and didn’t tell me anything about it until the pregnancy test came out positive.”
“Because of her recklessness, I had to take on a second job because we weren’t financially prepared for a kid.”
“Then I started saving dollar by dollar so that we’d have enough money to buy diapers, formula, etc. for our daughter and her.”
“Instead of supporting me in saving money, she went and used all those savings for her boob job.”
“She essentially prioritized her looks over our baby’s basic needs.”
“I don’t care how mentally ill she was, no loving mother would prioritize her own looks over her child’s food and health.”
“That’s why I divorced her selfish a**.
“She cannot expect me to treat her well after she essentially took food out of my daughter’s mouth for the sake of her vanity.”
“She should be grateful I still talk to her in full sentences.”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
The Reddit community agreed that the OP was in no way the a**hole for refusing to pay for his ex-wife’s implant removal surgery.
Everyone agreed after his ex-wife went behind his back to pay for her implants, he had no obligation whatsoever to pay for her removal surgery, with just about everyone agreeing that his ex-wife dug his own grave.
“She has this pain because she took your money and had a boob job.”
“This ain’t your problem.”
“Yeah she’s your ex-wife and mother of your child but that doesn’t mean you’ve to pay for her ‘medical bills’.”
“You’re paying for your child’s needs and coparent your child with her.”
“That’s enough, you’re right – this isn’t your problem.”- Potential_Speech_703
“Let me get this straight, when you were married, she took money out of your joint account, without discussing the withdrawl with you, AND after you had both discussed the surgery and did NOT come to an agreement on it.”
“So then you divorced her, and you pay her child support as well as have visitation of your child.”
“Then she left your child with you for a week in addition to your normal visitation and didn’t even contact you during that week.”
“When she did contact you it was to ask you for $4k to correct the boob job that she’d had done and paid for with your joint money.”
“And now her Mother and Sister are hounding you for that money as well.”
“Yeah so very NTA.”
“She brought it upon herself and if her Mother and Sister feel that strongly about it, they can give her the $4k to pay for the ‘repair’.”
“Whats that expression? ‘you reap what you sow’.”- MissSuzieSunshine
“You are under no obligation to give her money outside of the child support that you already do.”
“And her mother and sister are more than free to give money to her since they feel so strongly about it.”
“Most definitely NTA.”
“Your ex’s behavior seems downright manipulative.”
“She’s your ex, her health and life is not your responsibility.”
“The amount of audacity required for her to even ask that considering you broke up over her taking money from your joint account for this procedure behind your back is mind blowing.”
“If you say yes to this, she’ll be asking for something else tomorrow.”- Rstar2247
“I think… NTA.”
“I wish more people understood these fairly common negative side effects of boob jobs.”
“I’m trying to think of a compassionate way to co-parent with her that doesn’t involve you paying for this surgery.”
“Don’t most doctors offices let you set up payment plans?”
“Are there loans you can point her to?”
“Maybe don’t treat it as punitive but ‘I believe you can get yourself out of this.”
“‘Let me help you find the resources’.”- CDinDC
“Your ex stole money for a boob job you didn’t want to pay for from the joint account, and now she expects you to pay to remove the implants?”
“That was the last line for you to divorce her.”
“She should not expect you to pay for a surgery SHE wanted, and is now getting consequences from it.”
“If she’s getting backaches from the implants, it’s on her for not doing enough research about the affects, good and bad, after plastic surgery.”- KingPiscesFish
“If I’m reading this right, your ex-wife is asking you to pay to undo a surgery that caused your divorce in the first place?”
“Like you already had no obligation to pay for her medical bills, but that’s a whole nother level.”
Bad decisions led by selfish behavior have a way of coming back to haunt you.
It’s a shame that they came back to haunt the OP’s wife in as literally painful a manner as they did.
But why she expects her ex-husband to help her, when she went behind his back in the first place is pretty hard to understand.
Here’s hoping she finds a way to pay for it, so she can at least be out of pain sooner rather than later.