Giving advice on love, marriage and relationships in general is always a precarious situation.
So be sure you have the right things to say.
Because a lot of "good" ideas can go wrong.
Case in point...
Redditor AdQueasy3077 to discuss her story for some feedback. So naturally she came to visit the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
"AITA for calling my best friend dumb for 'marrying for love?'"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I (27 F[emale]) am in a very stable relationship with my fiancée (29 F) for around 4 years and we are planning to get engaged eventually and then marry."
"My best friend Chrissy (fake name and also 27 F) has been with her own fiancé since they were 20."
"They only got engaged this year and it was kinda weird how it took him so long to propose since he seemed to be financially stable and all."
"Throughout the years I asked Chrissy why her fiancé hadn't proposed yet and she kept insisting it was not the right time."
"But she'd never say the reason why, just that it wasn't the right time."
"Eventually he proposed in the beginning of 2022 and they're planning their wedding for next year."
"They decided to plan their engagement party during summer time because due to busy schedules they couldn't do it earlier."
"So their engagement party was this past Saturday."
"And her fiancé made a speech dedicated to her and mentioned pretty much the reasons they didn't get engaged sooner and I couldn't help but pity my friend."
"So the reasons were that he didn't have a stable job for the first few years of their relationship and only jumped from position to position from Walmart to Target etc."
"He hadn't finished his degree yet so he had no higher education."
"He got his degree in 2019 and only then was he able to get a proper job."
"He bragged and also 'thanked' Chrissy for never giving up on him and growing with him and how they helped each other form their amazing personalities and achievements."
"And how no matter what the future holds he'll never forget etc."
"My fiancée and I felt some type of way about it."
"Some friends of mine and Chrissy agreed how Chrissy basically stayed with a broke man and waited for 7 years."
"And we don't think that's something praise worthy but pity worthy."
"As friends we decided to explain to her our perspective of how we think it was ridiculous that she had to almost reach 30 to move on with her life with that man when someone else could provide what she needed much sooner."
"Chrissy always said how she wanted marriage and kids and its sad she had to wait this long for this man to get his act together and she didn't know her worth."
"She said she loves him and he's an amazing partner and wouldn't break up with him over his misfortunes and what matters is that they love each other."
"I told her it's dumb how she's marrying for love and not for stability and how she's basically wasted herself for 'love.'"
"And how the first issue should be raised when he was working Walmart and Target back to back."
"She called us all materialistic and classist and she said she doesn't care if she struggles financially as long as she struggles with the right person who will value her emotions and listen to her."
"She said we are miserable b*tches who will find no happiness in life and are very shallow."
"Could we be TAs for criticising her this way?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA?:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors declared our OP WAS the A**hole.
It's a tricky situation.
Let's hear some thoughts...
"Re-read your last paragraph. Chrissy nailed it."
"YTA." ~ TR_Irisden
"People like OP lack any form of introspection, even with this verdict she will go through life believing her disgusting views on the world are correct." ~ OddDc-ed
"OP already proved she is unable to have any introspection, to be honest... her first paragraph is hilarious considering the context."
"Her and her (so-called) 'fiancé' aren't even engaged yet."
"Chrissy is not only actually engaged, but has their wedding planned already."
"And Chrissy is the one who is waiting too long to get married?"
"I mean how dense do you have to be to refer to your boyfriend as your Fiancé, when you're not even engaged?"
"I'm baffled that OP even had to think twice about whether she was TA." ~ Grabbsy2
"OP is the same age as her friend yet states her relationship they will get engaged eventually, marry eventually and the relationship is already 4 years old."
"Yet OP is calling her friend and old dog... OP is currently the old dog." ~ EEJR
"When I read that he didn't have a degree and worked his way into a place where he could get one I was impressed and also a little curious."
"A lot—not all!—of folks who delay their degrees don't come from families that can pay for them or, sadly, from families that don't care about them."
"He is a rags to riches story, which used to be the quintessential American dream."
"But I guess the new version is to be born rich and profit off of your family's connections and others's labor." ~ producerofconfusion
"Apparently it never occurred to her that maybe Chrissy didn't WANT to be married at 23."
"Chrissy may have had every intention to wait till she was 30 to get married either way."
"She just found her person pretty young."
"So she was happy to hang with him until the time when she would have wanted marriage anyway."
"But I think OP is probably just jealous."
"She says she's been with her partner for 4 years and they're 'going to get engaged eventually' (but clearly it's not in her immediately future)."
"So OP may very well be looking at 7 years of dating before an engagement herself, except where Chrissy was younger and fine with that."
"I think OP realizes she's older and so feels the need to criticize long periods of dating because she's afraid she'll end up like Chrissy but older." ~ OrindaSarnia
"All she had to do was keep her opinions to herself and she would have been fine."
"It's one thing to hold certain standards for your potential partners, but to try to impose those on the people around you is an AH move."
"And what was her plan, exactly?"
'Ambush Chrissy with her friends to 'explain their perspective' and leave it at that?"
"No, their goal was to break them up."
"But especially for that 'love' comment, that's f**king low."
"People should marry primarily for love, shouldn't they?"
"Obviously finances are a factor to some."
"But if Chrissy didn't have a problem waiting until they were in a better place financially (which, good call tbh) then that's nobody's business but Chrissy & her finances."
"His speech sounds like it was actually very sweet, and OP is just being a see-you-next-tuesday about it." ~ TheBeardedSatanist
"What gets me is that Chrissy and her BF were responsible in not getting married on a dime."
"I wouldn't have judged them if they'd gotten married anyway."
"BF had the opportunity to prove he wasn't a moocher and seized it with both hands, working hard to get himself to a better place."
"Their love survived hardship. They'll be fine."
"OP, YTA."
"If there had been genuine red flags, you might not be, but you're dismissing their relationship because Christie wasn't looking for a 'provider' and preferred a partnership."
I"s your BF ok with being seen as a meal ticket?"
"If he lost every penny too, say, medical expenses, would you still marry him?" ~ allyearswift
"Based on OP's logic, my husband should have never started dating me."
"I'd just gotten out of an abusive marriage, got laid off right after he proposed due to the recession of 2008, and have gotten both my Bachelors and my Masters while married (he already had his Bachelors)."
"YTA OP." ~ bdaniels2
"YTA. Without a doubt."
"You and your friends ARE materialistic and classist."
"If Chrissy is happy, who are you to say she is dumb for making that choice?"
"It sounds like she's found a good man who appreciates her love and care."
"And you just sound jealous for whatever reason." ~ unstablechickensh*t
"I've got no problems with the phrase 'felt some type of way.'"
"Usually it's someone describing that they have an emotional reaction to something, but aren't quite sure how to make sense of it or verbalize it."
"It's pretty innocuous, in my opinion. Sometimes something bothers you or entices you, but you don't really understand why, or can't express why."
"The problem is that OP felt some type of way at all about what she heard, and it wasn't positive."
"She straight up listened to a heartwarming story of how a couple has been supportive of each other and helped each other improve their lives and basically thought 'ew, gross.'"
"OP is the kind of person I hope never raises kids and is never in a position of any sort of power over others." ~ mathnstats
Well OP... you are in a situation.
You may want to review how you handled this situation.
Or maybe you're cool.
Either way... good luck to everybody.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.