How soon is too soon for visitors after giving birth needs to be a decision left to the parent(s) and no one else. But some relatives are bound to push back against any restrictions on their access.
A second time mother-to-be turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback on her postpartum boundaries.
Mentallytrilllll asked:
“AITA for telling my mother-in-law (MIL) she can’t see her grandchild until at least 6 months old?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“My MIL treated me very poorly after I had our first daughter during the pandemic. I had severe postpartum depression (PPD) and postpartum anxiety (PPA) and eventually I had full blown postpartum psychosis.”
“There’s a lot of things she said & did, but her crowning moment was when I was being taken away by ambulance in full blown psychosis and she later referred to this event as my ‘barrage of sh*t’ that kept her from seeing her son and granddaughter.”
“When I asked her to ‘please not say things like that because they’re hurtful & mean,’ her response was ‘you don’t tell me how to talk. ‘ My husband and her have a strained relationship, and it’s been even more strained since this.”
“She has never offered any apology and acts as if she was justified in her actions. When I pointed out that we’re all adults and we’re all equal, she said we weren’t equal because ‘she’s the parent’.”
“Psychosis isn’t blacking out, and I remember everything well, so does my family. The ‘barrage of sh*t’ was really just me sobbing and saying ‘I need help’ over and over again.”
“At the time, we had security cameras all over our house. I watched the day back and it was just me pacing and sobbing and asking for help. It was so sad.”
“And by the way, I did apologize to her for my PPP, but she wasn’t upset about what went on that day because she didn’t actually witness it.”
“She felt it was rude that she was asked to wait outside instead of being given a front-row seat. MIL was not present and did not witness anything on that day outside of me going into the ambulance.”
“My husband asked her to wait outside because she’d made sh*tty comments about my mental health prior to this. But despite husband owning that, she chooses to believe it was me who kept her out.”
“When my husband asked his mom about what her issue was, she said it was rude she was asked to wait outside because of my ‘barrage of sh*t’ and she wanted an apology from me because of that.”
“She was sh*tty to me before the PPD and psychosis, and she remains sh*tty to me to this day, so yeah, as much as I’ve thought this was somehow all my fault, all signs point away from that, according to my husband and therapist.”
“Oh, we’re both in therapy. This post was not meant to be in lieu of any kind of professional help and believe me, we’re doing it all.”
“I’m in regular psychotherapy, and I’m also in therapy doing EMDR because my deep psychological issues are absolutely from my childhood. My husband is in therapy because being raised by this woman has skewed his motivating operations, and he only came to recognize this in the last few years.”
“It can be hard to recognize this kind of stuff when you’re raised by a covert narcissist. I think I just needed reassurance from strangers on the internet. Why? Probably my sh*tty upbringing.”
“Anyways, I’m pregnant again with our second, and I don’t want her around at all postpartum. She caused such distress the first time around, tried to pit my husband and I against each other, tried to get my parents involved.”
“She wasn’t seeing her granddaughter as often as she wanted, so she threw out toys she bought for her, sent back photos we sent to her, I could go on and on.”
“People might assume I’ve not stood up to this woman, but I absolutely have. I’ve told her when she’s acted inappropriately and when she’s been hurtful.”
“Her response is that I’m being disrespectful to my husband’s mother. MIL’s game is divide and conquer, so she tries to get her husband away from me or she has conversations privately with him, without me present.”
“She’s told him to leave me at home for family gatherings or visits at her house, wanting only him and our daughter to come. She’s also recently said she’s shown his picture to the single young women she works with and they all think he’s very handsome—while I’m 7 months+ pregnant.”
“I don’t want to deal with it again, and my husband REALLY doesn’t want to deal with it again. We kept my current pregnancy private-ish until I was 6 months along.”
“During a discussion with my MIL last night, she told us she would be staying in town around my due date to ‘help out’. We tried to decline politely, but she was not taking the hint.”
“So eventually we just told her flat out we didn’t want her around until baby was a bit older (at least 6 months old) because we don’t want any extra stress. She obviously reacted badly and is calling us toxic monsters (especially me) who are trying to deprive her of time with her grandchild.”
“The funny thing about this is that my husband knew her behaviour sucked all along, but I would badger him about how important it was to for us spend time with his family.”
“Yet again, she said the same with the first one, but reality was that I was really sick and couldn’t be around a lot of people and also it was during COVID.”
“Am I the a**hole for holding this boundary? Part of me thinks I’m being too harsh. Another part thinks back to all the chaos she caused, and I feel at peace with the decision.”
“She handled the situation so poorly last time that I do not want to go through it again. Husband agrees.”
“So, am I the a**hole?”
The OP summed up their situation.
“I told my mother-in-law she cannot see her grandchild until they’re at least 6 months old. This might make me the a**hole because it’s her grandchild and, of course, she’s going to want to meet them ASAP after birth.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
“NTA. ‘This isn’t up for negotiation. We need time and space to adjust as a family, and we expect that boundary to be respected’.”
“You’re absolutely right to set boundaries—especially after everything you went through. You don’t owe anyone access to your baby, especially someone who caused you so much pain.”
“Good job standing your ground. Your mental health and peace come first. You’re doing what’s best for your family, and that’s what matters most.”
“If she can’t respect a simple boundary, that says more about her than you. You’re not toxic—you’re protective, and that’s what a good mom does.” ~ AnnaLaneyxx
“Hallelujah, a husband who is on the same page about his mother’s awful behaviour!” ~ LousView
“NTA. Your mental health needs to be a priority after birth. You need to reduce as many stressors as you can. You should cut her off now, so it won’t even be in the back of your mind when you give birth.”
“Be very careful and make sure you can express to your husband when you need help.” ~ Atherial
After receiving a lot of feedback, the OP later added information about her experience with postpartum psychosis:
“Thank you very much for everyone weighing in. I did not expect this post to get so much attention. There are some people in the comments that are judging me for deciding to have another baby after experiencing postpartum psychosis (PPP).”
“I think before I experienced it myself, I would have done the same, but I’d like to take the opportunity to offer a bit of education about this since I’ve lived it.”
“The situation with my first was under extraordinary circumstances, as we had planned on moving back to a big city with excellent healthcare when I was 6 months pregnant. Unfortunately, when I was 4 months pregnant, lockdown occurred, and we were forced to stay where we were.”
“For context: we were living in a small town of 5,000 people, with the worst healthcare in our country.”
“At 7 weeks postpartum, I knew something was wrong and began trying to get care then. It was next to impossible.”
“With a severe doctor shortage to start with, they simply were not equipped to handle the complex care I needed. At the time, we were not able to move back to where we had come from (with our friends, most of our family and great healthcare) because the borders were literally closed.”
“The minute restrictions lifted, we packed up and came back to our home province. This is when things ramped up with MIL, as there had been two minor situations, but nothing severe up to that point.”
“Once we were back, my own mother came to stay with us to help out. I began trying to access care and was somewhat successful through virtual care. It was still very difficult.”
“When I began to have auditory and visual hallucinations (literally the first time it happened), my mother drove me to the hospital where I was turned away because ‘they had no room, they were short staffed’.”
“I tried a second time 5 days later and was told ‘I would have to endanger my child’s safety’ before they’d be able to help me. They offered basic counselling and medication. Shortly after that I tried to get help a third time.”
“This was when I was told the only way to ‘get in’ was via ambulance. A few days later, I was trying to put my daughter down for a nap and a person came out of my ceiling (hallucination) and that is when an ambulance was called.”
“It’s been almost 4 years since this all happened. Before we decided to have another baby, there were many discussions with my parents, my husband, and our medical team about management.”
“I started having mental health assessments when I was 6 weeks pregnant and currently have an assessment every week.”
“I think it’s important to point out here as well that I had been on anti-psychotic medication for almost 10 years at the point of my first pregnancy that I had come off of because the doctor in the small town said they were not comfortable prescribing it because baby would ‘go through withdrawal’ when they were born if I stayed on it.”
“I later found out this was not true and there was no evidence to suggest this. I am receiving incredible healthcare and have an OB, a whole family health team, and my midwife (who just completed a course in managing PPP because she’s working with me) to help me.”
“Aside from that, I don’t believe things would have gone the way they did had it not been for the pandemic and all the things that followed it. If you did not have a child during COVID, you would never know the great ways in which mothers were failed.”
“In the media, we only ever see the most severe cases of PPP where women unalive their kids. These instances are very rare.”
“PPP is manageable, and I believe if the circumstances were normal during the birth of my first child and I still experienced PPP, I would have been inclined to not have another child. Reflecting back years later, I can see the ways in which I was failed, the insane barriers I faced, and the extraordinary circumstances that created a perfect storm for all of this to happen.”
“The decision to have another baby was not taken lightly by us.”
It sounds like the OP and her husband have a solid birthing and postpartum plan.
A little less mother-in-law also seems like the best choice.