An issue that new parents need to be warned about more isn't just all of the changes they have in their future, how exhausting the first year is, or all the decisions they'll have to make as parents.
It's the constant battle some new parents have to go through against their own parents, who want to grandparent the same way they parented, even if safety regulations have been updated, cautioned the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Throwawwaaay2425 and their husband had a ten-month-old baby, and their mother-in-law was eager to babysit and take her grandchild out of the house.
But when she refused to install a rear-facing car seat, because she didn't like the look of it and because she was raised to believe that front-facing seats were safe, the Original Poster (OP) no longer felt comfortable with the idea of their mother-in-law babysitting their child.
They asked the sub:
"Am I overreacting for telling my mother-in-law (MIL) she's not taking my baby anywhere without a rearfacing car seat?"
The OP and their mother-in-law did not see eye-to-eye about carseat safety.
"My baby is 10 months old, and my MIL got her a car seat. She asked my husband to install it for her."
"When he went to install it, she told him not to put it rear-facing as she didn't want it like that."
"We told her no and that she needed it to be rear-facing, as our baby wasn't big enough to be in a forward-facing car seat."
Until their mother-in-law agreed with their terms, they would not allow her to babysit.
"She tried using the fact that she's an EMT (Emergency Medical Technician) as evidence, and she tried to scare us by saying that she's seen so many bad car wrecks, and the baby wasn't safe in a rear-facing car seat."
"We told her that we weren't comfortable with it, and if she didn't want it rear-facing, then she didn't have to take our baby anywhere."
"She told me that we were overreacting and that we needed to chill out."
"Are we overreacting?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NOR: Not Overreacting
- YOR: You're Overreacting
Some reassured the OP that they were NOR and in the right to make decisions about their child.
"NOR, but it doesn't matter if you're overreacting. You're her parents, and you said no. Where TF does she even need to take your baby that you can't bring her to?" - madpeachiepie
"Bottom line: She doesn't respect your safety rules and parenting style and goes out of her way to contradict you. Supervised visits only for Granny until she gets a clue. NOR." - BayAreaPupMom
"NOR. You already know she doesn't care for your rules, so don't ever leave your child with her. She will have no use for that car seat; it'll just become a storage in her car." - NaturesVividPictures
"First, I wouldn't even consider it, even if installed correctly. The minute she started arguing, done." - Right_Cucumber5775
"In my state, you are legally required to rear-face children until age two. Let her know you will call the police if she ever attempts to take the child in her car without your permission or without the proper safety procedures." - GnomieOk4136
Others similarly reassured the OP that their MIL should respect their boundaries.
"NOR. My mom has car seats for both my kids in her car because she babysits a lot, and we also all go places together, so it's more convenient."
"But also, she completely respects my boundaries and still has my four-year-old rear-facing because I do in my car."
"Does she think it's overkill and that she could be forward-facing by now? Yes. But will she overstep my rules as the mother? Absolutely not. THAT is the difference." - BenignYam1761
"Not Overreacting."
"It's good you and your husband are holding firm on this. The car seat should be in the middle of the back seat and rear-facing."
"She is full of bulls**t about seeing car accidents, and the baby wasn't safe. She just wants to turn around and see the baby. Which is an accident waiting to happen."
"Before you know it, she will have it up front in the passenger seat." - Only-upvibes
"She can choose between a broken leg cast vs. a broken neck casket."
"Anybody who has had children in the last twenty years absolutely KNOWS that you should rear face a child as long as possible, and there are seats that allow it up to 100 pounds. It is the single safest thing you can do for your child when it comes to transporting them in a vehicle."
"And I cannot believe that an EMT doesn't know better. My mind is blown."
"NOR. She doesn't need to take the kid anywhere if she can't do the bare minimum to keep them safe." - WillingnessUseful212
"NOR. OP can no longer trust MIL not to switch the seat back around, nor to put their child in danger if the 'safe' approach doesn't vibe with whatever she wants at the moment."
"She's already demonstrated that she isn't willing to follow (1) OP's rules, even if supported by (2) THE most basic safety guidelines."
"My MIL sulked that we wouldn't let our crawling/toddling infant go past the confines of her living room and kitchen when we were there (the only areas that she'd allow us to put up baby gates)."
"On the other side of the living room gate was the rest of the main floor, but also a steep set of stairs she wasn't willing to gate off. Infants die from falling down stairs. Sorry, she can't go explore the other rooms on her own, but I'd prefer to keep my baby alive."
"(My MIL also sulked when she had to get a pertussis booster before visiting a newborn grandbaby, and when the baby's mom let her know no one was allowed to kiss the face or head. 'Everyone HERE survived it; this baby will too!'"
"Maybe! But plenty of other babies didn't, and that's exactly why they're not here to share how dangerous it is. Survivorship bias is real.)" - Adventurous-mall7677
"MIL's supposed EMT certification doesn't trump literally hundreds of thousands of pediatricians, their recommendations, and all of the supporting medical/safety studies. You'd think any type of medical professional would understand that."
"You're not overreacting, but with how hard she's pushing, I'd be really hesitant to leave MIL with your baby unsupervised. It sounds like she's going to do whatever she wants to do. Your boundaries and parenting decisions be d**ned."
"That type of entitled behavior isn't going to stop at the car seat." - Aspen_Matthews86
Some were also concerned about the mother-in-law's qualifications as an EMT.
"She's an EMT but doesn't understand impact tests and infant safety?! I would question her having any alone time with the baby." - AlternativeLie9486
"Retired EMT, here. Your MIL is full of s**t. No one in EMS would recommend installing a car seat incorrectly."
"The forces on an infant's body in a front-facing position would lurch the child forward. Because the head is the largest and heaviest part of the body, those forces would cause the now-unsupported infant's head to move forward and back, causing the child's neck to snap."
"But hey, if your MIL wants to face negligent homicide charges along with child endangerment charges, that's on her. Just... not with your child in the car."
"As a mandated reporter, I have called CPS on families who have 'secured' their children incorrectly, including children who weren't secured in car seats at all, just belted with the regular seat belts. This issue IS a big deal. It's no joke."
"I shudder to think about how your MIL 'cares' for her patients!" - butterfly-garden
"My MIL is a nurse and told me I could front-face my baby at six months old. Her other grandchild's old car seat is in my garage, and it's a front-facing-only seat. She suggested I use that one instead of buying a new one, and it actually says on the label it's for six months or older (we're in New Zealand, with no laws I'm aware of, but the recommendations have since been updated)."
"For the record, we're going to rear face until she outgrows the limit in her current seat."
"And we're not trusting my MIL with our baby in her car until at least that time, though we haven't really had to have that conversation, because she isn't THAT involved. I don't think you should, either. NOR." - Sanrielle
"Look up local car seat laws and show them to her. Most require children to be at least two years old to face forward, and some specify a minimum weight and height. NOR." - JoKing917
"She's an EMT and encouraging people to use their carseats the wrong way... That would merit a call to her employer (don't need to name names) to request additional training for their staff. That's crazy town." - AnxiousCanOfSoup
"Former car seat safety technician here: No! You are absolutely not overreacting. She should be rear-facing until the age of two, at bare minimum. Longer, if possible (as long as she fits the seat, and the top of the straps comes from behind her shoulders, below the level of the tops of her shoulders, and her head isn't above the seat."
"It IS okay if her legs bend, fold/criss-cross, or touch the back of the seat! And the chest clip needs to be at nipple/armpit level and the straps snug; if you can pinch the strap horizontally and make it fold, it's not tight enough)."
"They should be rear-facing as long as possible, then in a front-facing convertible type seat as long as possible before moving them to a high-backed booster seat for as long as possible, then a low-backed booster until they meet ALL of the requirements to sit in a normal vehicle seat with no adaptations."
"Anybody who even remotely alludes to it being okay to turn them prematurely was not allowed to have any opportunity to drive my child anywhere!"
"I was also a military medic, working as a paramedic when stationed on base. Now I'm a civilian first responder. I promise you, 'EMT' or not, your MIL is incredibly, dangerously, wrong." - TacoBellPicnic
Though the subReddit could understand that laws and regulations being updated since the OP's mother-in-law was a new parent could be confusing and even hard to get used to, it was more important for her to go through this period of discomfort, so that her grandchild would be safe.
Laws and regulations are frequently updated so that babies and young children can receive the best care and be in the safest environments possible.
If parents, grandparents, and guardians really love the children in their lives and want to spend time with them, they have to put the children's safety first.
Woman With Cerebral Palsy Livid After Husband's Doctor Questions Why He Married Her
In the search for comprehensive medical care, people may have tough conversations about their lifestyle, work, relationships, and other potential stressors.
But a doctor can only make so many decisions on behalf of their patient, cautioned the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor _lucky96 was seeing the same doctor as her husband, so their doctor was aware of both of their medical histories and needs, including her having cerebral palsy.
But when the doctor brought up her condition during her husband's latest appointment and questioned their marriage, the Original Poster (OP) was appalled and wanted to find a new medical care provider.
She asked the sub:
The OP had cerebral palsy and a full life.
"I have cerebral palsy. It mainly affects my walking, but I can walk independently and live a pretty normal life."
"My husband and I have been together for three years and have a blended family with five kids altogether. Three of my kids aren’t biologically his."
The OP and her husband just started seeing a new doctor.
"We’ve both recently started seeing the same general practitioner (GP)." I’ve seen him about three times now and generally thought he was helpful."
"I had noticed he seemed very interested in my disability and would often ask questions about it and whether I had support, but I assumed he was just being thorough."
In the OP's eyes, the doctor crossed a line.
"Today, my husband had an appointment with the same doctor for stomach issues."
"During the appointment, mental health apparently came up as part of the discussion, but the appointment itself wasn’t for mental health."
"I wasn’t in the room because I was outside with our daughter. According to my husband, the doctor asked him, 'Why did you marry your wife?'"
"My husband said because he loves me, and then the doctor apparently said something along the lines of, 'With her disability and five kids, that’s a lot to take on. You realise when she’s older, you’ll have a lot to do as she ages.'"
"My husband thinks I’m overreacting because they had been discussing different stressors in his life, and believes the doctor was just talking about responsibilities and support systems."
"I understand that possibility, but I can’t get past how hurtful it feels to hear my disability described as something my husband 'took on' or as a future burden he’ll have to manage."
"The doctor also said, 'Not many men would do what you do, you’re a good man.'"
The OP was upset about the conversation her husband shared.
"What bothers me most is that the conversation wasn’t even about me, and I wasn’t there to respond or provide any context."
"I feel like the comments reduced me to my disability rather than seeing me as a wife, parent, and person."
"Am I wrong for being upset by this and considering raising it with the clinic, or does this sound inappropriate?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that the doctor's comments were highly inappropriate.
"That’s highly inappropriate. You are NOR." - Direction_Physical
"NOR. You are not overreacting at all. That was completely inappropriate and dehumanizing."
"You’re his patient’s wife, not his patient, while your husband is in that room. Bringing up your disability and five kids during your husband’s stomach appointment had nothing to do with his care."
"Saying you’re 'a lot to take on' and 'not many men would do what you do' frames your marriage like a charity case, and you like a burden instead of a partner."
"That’s ableist, unprofessional, and a violation of basic boundaries."
"It makes sense that you feel reduced to just your disability after hearing that."
"Raising it with the clinic is absolutely reasonable. You deserve a doctor who treats you as a whole person, not a problem for your husband to manage." - DaringDuvet
"This makes me so stabby. I’m non-verbal and have right-sided weakness."
"We were married 29 years before it happened, and the number of people who think my husband needs a medal and a parade for sticking around..."
"Don’t get me wrong. My husband is one of life’s truly good dudes. But seriously?" - sorenelf
"This is infuriating. He's a good man because he didn't ditch?"
"When my mum was diagnosed with cancer that wasn’t going to do the polite thing and get fixed, the amount of applause for my dad not leaving her was astounding."
"He was horrified at first, but that wore off pretty quickly, and he just started calling it out. That made quite a few people squirm in their own discomfort."
"It says a lot about someone who thinks a natural choice is to bail." - BasicLingonberry9914
"NOR in the slightest."
"Even if we assume good intent and the doctor wanted to make sure there are safety nets and supports in place for both of you, that has NOTHING to do with the question of why your husband married you."
"I would absolutely file a complaint, and if you both can, find another general practitioner." - ooooohcakepudding
"NOR. I have severe Aphakia, and if my specialist looked at my husband to remind him he's going to be growing old with someone who is likely going to go blind, I think I would die."
"My husband had been through h**l and back with me and my eyes long before we got married, so he knows what he signed up for. And it isn't the doc's place to sort out. Super duper unprofessional." - Global-Nature2420
"So at first, I thought you were overreacting. I am a mental health provider, and a doctor discussing stressors and very real-life situations happens all the time."
"The minute you added the part that 'not many men,' things changed. He took what could have been a normal conversation and changed it to his personal feelings, which is absolutely disgusting."
"NOR at all. I would file a complaint." - Trash_Human92
Others pointed out that it was an important conversation to have, though the doctor could have been more delicate.
"While tough, this isn't an inappropriate conversation to have if the stress is causing his health to deteriorate."
"The truth is not inappropriate. I think the way he worded it was a bit much, but not what he said."
"It appears to me the OP is not dealing with how her disability is not just about her, but everyone, etc. For example, my cancer was also stressing my loved ones out." - Total-Ad886f
"I was having panic attacks in the middle of the night due to my husband's health and lack of care. So when he finally started seeing someone in my same doctor's office (but not the same doctor), it was SO much better."
"My doc and the nurse have been really, really concerned about my mental health, so they were happy to hear that he's taking his health seriously and improving, because that means that I am sleeping more and my mental health is better, and that means my ability to manage my own chronic pain and health issues has been better."
"I was not coping at all and barely able to function." - popchex
"The doctor may have mentioned OP in the conversation with her husband if he was trying to ascertain if he had stressors that may contribute to his stomach issues. Sure, your spouse, children, work, and parents can be considered stressors at times in anyone’s life."
"For me, where he crossed the line was when he decided just how OP’s condition will impact the future."
"Firstly, OP is obviously capable of caring for everyone, including herself and children, with minimal, if any, assistance. As OP ages, more assistance may be required, but this may also be the case for her husband, too, as he ages. The responsibility of the children will not be a factor, as they are adults."
"So the doctor’s predictions are presumptive and unnecessary. Health is not guaranteed for anyone. We all will face various challenges to our physical abilities as we age."
"What I would take up with the clinic is why he felt it necessary to ask the husband why he married OP. To additionally state because of that, ‘He was a good man’ is grossly inappropriate and unprofessional."
"There is potential for an ongoing issue to arise if OP were to continue seeing this doctor. His bias toward her husband may very well influence any care she may need in the future. NOR." - Cool-Blackberry-785
"It doesn’t make sense because if your husband was talking about how stressed he was, why would the doctor bring up more reasons he should be stressed? Or if he didn’t seem stressed enough, is the doctor then going to be like, 'Consider how stressed you’ll be in X amount of years'?"
"It sort of sounds like he’s saying something like, 'Why would a man do that?'"
"The only exception I’d give is if your husband had some sort of health thing he’s completely ignoring, and the doctor was trying to give him a wake-up moment. Because then, they sort of have to be blunt to make you realize you need to prioritize your health. But simply being stressed isn’t enough to start saying, 'Why did you marry your wife?'"
"Whenever it’s women in your husband’s position, they just get told they’re an awesome rockstar. No one questions WHY they do it."
"NOR. You should find a doctor who makes you feel supported, and you feel is better overall."
"I wouldn’t make your husband change yet. It is hard to find doctors you like. Maybe when you establish with a better doctor, he’ll switch, too." - imwearingredsocks
Since the OP's husband went to the doctor to discuss stomach issues and likely how to remedy them, it's reasonable that the subject of possible stressors would come up, so the husband could avoid those stressors and improve his symptoms.
However, some Redditors felt that also including details about his marriage and fatherhood in the conversation was crossing a line, and while being a care provider to a spouse could be stressful, many felt it was being addressed from an ableist perspective instead.