A grandparent can be referred to by different affectionate terms, like "gran" or "nana," depending on the household.
One Redditor who's about to have a baby clashed with their mother-in-law about a specific request and refused to budge on their strong opinion against it.
So they visited the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit to seek judgment from strangers online.
There, an anonymous Redditor asked:
"AITA for not allowing MIL total choice on her grandparent name?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"We are having a baby soon and my MIL wants to be known by a foreign grandparent name instead of a British option."
"Our family is British on both sides and we feel that it is inappropriate and strange to choose a name from another culture when she/we have no connection to that culture."
"We aren't dictating a name that she must have, just saying that we want her to have a traditional name from our background i.e. nan/nana/nanny/gran/granny/grandma etc."
The OP continued:
"She has really fallen out with us over this to the point that she is no longer speaking to us."
"All of our friends who we've spoken to are on our side, but they may be biased, so AITA for holding this boundary?"
"Should MIL get final say in her grandmother name, regardless of our thoughts?"
"We feel strongly about the situation and are refusing to budge on it, even though this has now caused tension in the family."
"We didn't want to fall out with MIL but we don't want our child to be put in an awkward position in later life if referring to their grandmother by a foreign name results in any questions We have put our foot down."
"Are we in the wrong?"
Anonymous strangers weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH - No A**holes Here
Redditors weighed in with their thoughts, and it didn't go the way the OP was hoping.
"The first grandchild will name your mother. It really doesn't matter what either of you choose." –
NeitherTourist9360
"Yes! The child will decide to call her whatever. No one gets to choose what the kid decides it is. And, surprise, it might even be something completely made up." – CatsAndDogs314
"First grandchild here. I named my grandfather Cookie. Not only all my cousins and the next generation called him that, but all the kids in the neighborhood called him Cookie (he was famous for his kite flying skills). " – KweeNeeBee
"Yes! I am the oldest grandchild and for some reason when I was a baby I couldn't say nana but I could say nina. I'm now 27 and there's three other grandchildren and she's still Nina to all of us and our grandpa is Papa. We love to mess around with our Nina so we occasionally will call her grandma and when we do she threatens us lol."
"Not sure why in OP's edit they said they were embarrassed to call their grandma by a different name, it's never been something I was embarrassed about and all of my friends growing up (she basically raised us so when friends would come over a lot of the times it would be to her house) would call her Nina as well as it was easier than saying 'Mrs OurSurname.' Whenever I see people I grew up with one of the first things they always ask me is 'how's Nina doing?' " – cardsash
"YTA. Call people what they ask to be called. It's literally a non-issue, why are you being so rigid about this? Do you already have a problem with her and this is a manifestation of that problem?"
"Grandparents end up getting called all kinds of things, the only thing that matters is that they love your child and are respectful of your rules for your child. Can't imagine having a whole baby to worry about and choosing to get stroppy about 'Granny' vs 'Nonna.' " –
FairyCompetent
"My husband & I have non traditional grandparents names (Mimzy & Geeze) so I may be biased but I think grandparents or the grandkids themselves (I couldn't say great grandma/grandpa when I was little so I called my ggparents Gommers & Gompers) should pick the name. My mom wanted Meemah and I still don't like it. My kids are 23 & 25 🤷🏻♀️ I don't think I would have picked this hill to die on." – bookishmama_76
"Honestly, YTA. The child wouldn't care and it will be the name she will be addressed by it, not you. It should be something she likes to hear, whatever it is. My own grandmother was known as Noni (from the italian nonna) even though we are slavic-speaking country with different language and totally different words for grandmother (baba). In fact, she was known by Noni for so long, that all her friends were also calling her that, not just her grandchildren and she loved it."
"You are being controlling over something that should not be under your control. Why do you care so much that she is called something culturally-appropriate for your background? What are you afraid of?" – atealein
"YTA, as a PopPop married to a Bubby, you are so wrong you've come out the other side to categorically ignorant. You are willing to offend and permanently injure your relationship because you tight-@ss can't 'suffer' with a grandparent wanting a non-traditional moniker? Sounds like YOU need to address your obvious racism and Anglocentric attitude." – No_Dependent_8346
"YTA. Who cares where the name comes from? That's such a strange thing to be hung up on. This is something she will be called by your child. Why shouldn't it be something she likes? People use Mimi, and Honey and Nonny etc. Let her have a name she's comfortable with. How does it hurt you." – StormyLlewellyn1
"YTA. Why make such a big thing of this? Don't we all commonly accept that you call people what they want to be called?"
"A lot of people don't like these choices nan/nana/nanny/gran/granny/grandma. Those titles sound OLD to them. It may be true that they, themselves, ARE old, but it's jarring to them to be referred to that way. What good does it do to insist on those choices? Who is hurt by her being Abuela or something, instead?"
"You sound very rigid and uptight." – Ok-Position7403
"Hey OP,"
"I live in Canada and, growing up, I heard the gamut of names for grandparents. Some kids, having recently arrived, used a lot of their words and we were more curious and interested than judgy. You might have been embarrassed about calling your grandma Oma, but at least one kid around you was thinking 'awww, no fair. He gets an Oma and I'm stuck with a plain ol' Nan.' Little kids adapt and learn."
"You're sooooo blessed in two ways. 1. My one grandmother hated me and really made no secret about it where your Oma sounds like she loved you. And 2. I lost the good grandma to Alzheimer's when I was around 7 where your son will hopefully have a loving person for a long time, no matter what he calls her."
"Doesn't have to be ethnic either. I don't ever think I'll be a traditional 'grandma' because I'm extremely sarcastic and I don't suit that name. My 16-year-old son (eager to have kids) and my older NB child (working on a career first) and I have settled on Emoma. It suits me and I like the sound."
"Cut your Oma and your MIL some slack and be appreciative of their love. Leave out your notions of what kids are capable of."
"Good luck and Godspeed." – FleeingFromIdiocy
"YTA."
"You're willing to sacrifice your future child's relationship with their grandmother because you disagree with what she wants to be called? How about all of you hush up and let the kid decide what to call her. When baby starts saying their first words, call grandmother by 'non,' which is easy for baby's to say/mimic."
"From there, you can either add onto the sounds to make it 'nonna' or something similar, or you can just wait and see what the kid says in their baby talking way and go from there. I will admit that "nonnina" will not be easy for a baby to say right away, but I think you're pretty childish for taking it to such an extreme." – johnjonahjameson13
"YTA."
"Y'all are seriously focused on the wrong thing. Your kid is going to call them what they can pronounce when they're learning to talk and that will end up sticking, probably until they're at least a teenager and too cool to hang out with grandparents, possibly forever if your kid is close enough with them the grandparent fun never fades."
"The title is seriously the least important part of that relationship 🙄" – pithy-username-here
"YTA. And chances are she's going to end up with whatever different name the child calls her anyway, so let her have her fun being called Oma or whatever until that happens. There are so many hills to die on and this is not one of them." – norismomma
Overall, Redditors thought the OP was being unreasonably obstinate about her refusal to respect her MIL's request.
They also thought the preferred name reference would ultimately be up to the child and what they will gravitate towards when calling out to grandma.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp