Books are a special kind of magic.
The words transport us away from our lives and show us everything from a quiet love story to an epic space battle and every instance in between.
Whether the book is physical or digital, visual or audio, the outcome is still the same. We manage to trek boldly into new worlds and experiences as we read.
Falling in love with how words function can be a gateway to a whole universe of beautiful experiences.
So, when your daughter shows an eagerness for books, do you encourage the experience or balk at the price?
That was the issue facing Redditor and Original Poster (OP) forresster7 when she came to the "Am I the A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for judgment.
She asked:
"AITA for not reimbursing my nanny for books she bought for my daughter?"
OP began with some background.
"My daughter, Ruby, is 12."
"Recently, she has gotten into the original Star Trek show, as well as the Next Generation."
"Ruby is also a big reader and has started to collect a few of the old Star Trek books that she finds in used bookstores and thrift stores."
"These books usually cost anywhere from 50 cents to a couple of dollars."
"My nanny, Tessa (f22), hangs out with Ruby most days after she gets out of school."
"Tessa has been our nanny for over a year now, and she and Ruby get along great."
"Tessa is big into thrifting and will often keep an eye out for the books Ruby wants."
"This is not typically a problem, and Ruby always pays Tessa back for the books using her allowance."
Everything was fine until...
"The problem occurred when Tessa went on a family vacation out west. Apparently, she went thrifting during this trip and found some books for Ruby."
"She texted Ruby asking her if she wanted the books, and Ruby said yes."
"Well, Tessa returned yesterday with a stack of about 35 books and told Ruby they cost $50."
"Ruby doesn't have this much money and told Tessa."
"Tessa then asked me if I would cover the cost. I said no, as Tessa had never asked me about buying Ruby the books, nor was I aware of the conversation between the two of them."
"Tessa got upset, and I asked Ruby to show me the text, which made no mention of price or even the amount of books she was buying."
"Tessa only said that she found "some" books for Ruby."
"Ruby is on the autism spectrum and does not read between the lines. You have to be very literal with her."
"Previously, Tessa has never bought Ruby more than one or two books at a time, so I told her that she should have clarified with Ruby regarding the amount or double-checked with me before purchasing and that I would not be paying the $50."
"Tessa said she could not return the books because they came from the thrift store. I stood firm in my decision and reiterated that she should have asked me first."
"Tessa left, and Ruby is very upset."
OP was left to wonder,
"I know Tessa is a student and does not have a ton of money, so am I the a**hole for not paying Tessa for the books?"
Having explained the situation, OP turned to Reddit for judgment.
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided: NTA
It is often better to be kind rather than right.
"Sometimes it's better to salvage an important relationship than to be right."
"Pay for the books. Let Tessa know that you can't do so in the future, though, without talking about it. Tell her how much you appreciate her thoughtfulness, now and always."
"EDIT: wow, this really blew up! Love how many kind, decent people are on Reddit😘" ~ Mollywisk
"This is the right answer."
"And then get your daughter a library card." ~ DoYouHaveAnyIdea16
"I hope the library offers those old looks!"
"I personally would give the nanny the money, put the books somewhere safe and enjoy the knowledge that I'm well provided with presents for my daughter for this year's birthday and Christmas."
"It's 1,50 per book. That's wonderful!"
"OP, I totally get where you are coming from, I hate it if somebody springs onto me with an unexpected demand for money, but on the other hand, your nanny really seems to care for your daughter, and she probably knew that your daughter would pay much more for the books elsewhere."
"The nanny is young and probably lacks experience on how to handle those things. Just tell her communication is key and always speak clearly beforehand if it is about money."
"But you appreciate her help in providing your daughter with books."
"I really hope you two can sort this out!" ~ thanktink
Others came to Tessa's defense.
"This."
"NAH here IMO."
"Tessa shouldn't have bought so many without checking with YOU as the parent, but she was trying to do a good thing."
"Pay for the books this time but then tell Tessa that all future things like this must be approved by you and not Ruby - or set up a limitation." ~ wanderingstorm
"Yeah, as a Trekkie and someone who tears through books, I definitely feel for the nanny, and what a nice thing she did..."
"As someone who only has $10 at the moment, I would definitely need a heads up if I was about to spend an extra $50."
"I'd definitely salvage the relationship, though. I don't have kids, but I'm sure a good nanny is hard to come by." ~ jj328328
'"I'm sure a good nanny is hard to come by."'
"For a neurodivergent kid?"
"You have no idea how hard a good Nanny is to come by. This is the stupidest hill to die on that OP could possibly find."
"I am probably familiar with the books that are in question, and these are not (usually) found in libraries as they are so outdated."
"They ROCK, but they are well passed their sell-by date, so libraries often do not keep them. The Nanny did the kiddo a HUGE favor by thrifting them."
"And 35 books for $50?"
"That's a steal!"
"I would be thrilled that my Nanny did such an awesome thing for my kid."
"I always told my kid that I would not buy her cheap, plastic sh*t for toys or yet another stuffed animal, but anytime she wanted a book, she would get it." ~ Goodbye11035Karma
While some thought no one was at fault, others thought everyone was.
"ESH."
"Tessa, for not double-checking that you'd cover the $50 for your own daughter to read, and you, for not covering a lousy $50 for your own daughter's reading passion!"
"If I were you, I'd suck it up and pay the $50 stat, or someone is going to scoop up your really thoughtful nanny very soon."
"I'm thinking of hiring her, and I don't even have kids at home; I just want someone to thrift books for me." ~ FortuneTellingBoobs
"I'm leaning this way too."
"Like, yes, cover the $50, and have a discussion about this, but like, while $50 for 35 books is an excellent deal, no one ever would assume 'some books' means almost three dozen."
"Ever."
"I don't mean, 'oh, kiddo is 12. How would she have known'. But like."
"Even if Nanny had texted Mom and said, 'hey, I found some books for kid, cool for me to pick up?' Mom might have known to ask 'how much', but would never think it was 35 books without being told."
"But also, in what world is $50 not 'ask the parent' money? I don't care what the kid's allowance looks like." ~ nerdprincess73
OP did return with clarifications.
"Because some people are asking- I am a single parent to Ruby, and while $50 dollars will not make or break the bank, it is definitely an unexpected expense."
"I provide Tessa with an extra amount of money each month to spend on whatever she wants to do with Ruby (movies, the mall, etc.)."
"If she wanted to spend this fund on books for Ruby, that would have been totally fine- but she had already used it up."
"I definitely didn't expect this post to blow up overnight, so I'm going to add a bit more context."
"For those of you who are asking how I can afford a nanny for Ruby and still have $50 be a large unexpected expense--I do not pay for Tessa's services."
"Because Ruby is on the spectrum, she is entitled to benefits from our state, including care. The agency I work with pays Tessa. I am not involved in that process at all."
Then, OP provided a happy ending to the story.
"I appreciate everyone's valuable insights into the situation."
"I have seen a few comments hinting to me about the fact that I don't support my daughter's reading habit. Please know this is DEFINITELY not the case."
"We are both big readers and frequent patrons of our local library. I am always supportive of Ruby getting new books."
"I talked to Tessa and told her that I appreciate her for thinking of Ruby, apologized for the misunderstanding, and have paid her for the books."
"We had a chat about expectations in the future, and I don't think this will happen again."
"I have also talked to Ruby, and we agreed that I would hold onto the books, and she would pay me for them as she wishes."
"It's important to me that Ruby learns how to handle her finances appropriately, and we have decided that she will get two new books every week (she reads very quickly)."
"After reading through your perspectives on the matter, I agree that it is better, in the long run, to lose the money and salvage the relationship between the three of us, and had not considered all the implications of doing otherwise."
"Lesson learned!"
Our world is shaped by words.
Nurturing a love of words - whether as stories or as tools - can alter someone's life.
Of course, money is still money, but maybe not every investment is in stocks.
We hope this young girl's love of reading does indeed live long and prosper.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp