Blood is thicker than water and family first are great mottos for healthy, happy family dynamics.
But when it’s used to manipulate or take advantage of people, it’s time for boundaries to be established.
A daughter whose mother doesn’t like her boundaries about overnight guests turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
West_Film_2472 asked:
“AITA, my mom got dumped because I didn’t want her new boyfriend sleeping in our house overnight?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“So my mom is living with me since she got divorced a decade ago and has been struggling to manage things on her own since then.”
“Me (24, female), my sister, and my mom live together. My sister and I are on the lease and pay the rent.”
“Mom lost her job in the summer and originally was looking a bunch for jobs, but now isn’t really doing that.”
“But she met someone working for my apartment recently and they were talking a little bit for a few months. Now this talking was literally just seeing each other outside and chatting for a minute before going about their way.”
“Well, she had him over for the first time on Christmas Eve 2024. We were fine with that, but requested he please not stay overnight since he’s a stranger to us.”
“She refused to kick him out and he stayed in our apartment the whole night. After that I tried to discuss with her some boundaries which I thought were reasonable.”
“The only boundary I had was for him not to stay overnight until me and my sister got to know him better. She was mad at us for that and frequently argued with us and tried to plead with us, but respected it.”
“But one night it was weird because she went to bed at 10pm then at 11 comes to get us saying he texted her wanting to come over and would we let him. We gently stated our boundary again and she said that she’d already told him he could stay overnight.”
“That hurt me a little, but she ended up telling him to go back home. She was pissed though since he lives a few hours away and only comes to the apartment to work.”
“But he could come over a couple nights a week and they’d sleep together, then he’d leave before it got too late.”
“And some of why me and my sister requested this boundary is because our dad was notorious for having random people over when we’d come for visitation as teenagers and not warning us beforehand.”
“And it’s also weird because not once have they gone on a traditional date. They never go anyplace together and my mom has no interest in it.”
“It’s only sex in her room a couple nights a week. And she’s also been drinking a lot more since meeting him which concerns me because she’s already jobless.”
“Final part of the story is that she says he just broke up with her because me and my sister wouldn’t let him stay overnight. I tried to tell my mom we didn’t mean never and just wanted to get to know him before a stranger sleeps in our apartment.”
“I also think it’s weird that he would rather not be with her than wait a little bit to sleep with her overnight. And keep in mind that they were seeing each other multiple times per week, just not overnight.”
“My mom is pissed at me and begging me to let him stay overnight so she can get him back and giving me the whole spiel about how she has always taken care of us and this is how we repay her.”
“Saying, ‘don’t you care about my mental health’ and he’s the only thing that makes her happy.”
“This has been weighing on me for weeks so I really need to know.”
“AITA for upholding my boundary?”
The OP later added:
“Adding where the guy lives to make it more clear, since I shouldn’t have buried it in long paragraphs.”
“I don’t want to reveal too much, but he lives 3 hours away and his job involved traveling, so he’s down where we are on weekdays and doesn’t have a permanent place up here.”
“Yeah, of course we lived with my mom when I was 14 until college when I started paying most of the rent cause my mom was struggling.”
“But me and my sister moved for a work opportunity a few years ago and our mom came with us since she didn’t have much at our old place and couldn’t pay rent alone so that’s why we live together now.”
“When the divorce happened, we lost the house and have been living in apartments and people’s basements since.”
The OP summed up their situation.
“AITA for upholding my boundary about the boyfriend not staying overnight even though it caused him to dump my mom?”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
“He broke up with her because she does not have her own place. She’s just blaming you for it. NTA.” ~ VeronicaSawyer8
“The guy is a mooch. All he cares about is a free place to sleep and getting some action. If he really wanted to have a relationship with her, he’d get a hotel room.”
“He obviously is either married, or has a significant other and this is his side gig. Mom is being used, and wants her kids to accommodate this loser.”
“Nothing wrong with mom wanting a sex life, but she should make other arrangements. What if everyone in the house was bringing folks in for sleepovers? Yuck.” ~ curly_spy
“Yup. Mom wreaks of desperation, this dude smells it. Seems he found a place closer to work so he doesn’t have to drive. He doesn’t live a few hours away.”
“It’d be way too hard to drive a few hours daily for what I imagine at best is an off-site manager—definitely a married dude.” ~ Jaque_Schitt
“Everybody has a ‘tell’ such as it is… A loving mother would never contemplate putting her children in harm’s way ever. And then reminding them of what she did for them like they asked to be here. Easy decision to make.”
“The mom is just as much of a user as the guys suspected of being. The women are correct to enforce boundaries.” ~ Able_Heron_5916
“If I were dating someone who said I couldn’t sleep over because the daughters she’s living with rent-free aren’t comfortable with it, it would raise some flags for me. Like, that mom is a hot mess.” ~ fishsticks40
“NTA. It is 2025, please inform your mom that a dude who would rather go over to your house with your 2 adult daughters to have sex instead of, I dunno HIS HOME, is MARRIED!” ~ pottersquash
“The ‘concern’ should be that the daughters have taken on the roles as parents, while the mother is behaving like a bratty, horndog teenager who just discovered sex for the first time. Begging for him to stay overnight?”
“She’s not concerned about their safety at all. There are no boundaries for an unemployed adult who puts her needs ahead of her daughters’ comfort in the apartment that they pay for.” ~ Kokospize
“The fact that they do not want a stranger staying overnight just because mom wants to get off is enough for me to say NTA. He can get him & mom a hotel.” ~ frlejo
“I just hope he isn’t insisting on coming over because of the daughters. I feel like I’ve seen that too many times.” ~ Disastrous-Wildcat
“Actually, that is exactly where my mind went. Too many men are disgusting like that. To get to the daughters, he’d have to go through the mother to get his way in.”
“And, in these cases, the mother is too dumb and careless, oblivious or ignorant to realize that she is being used.”
“And to break up because he is not being allowed to sleep overnight is making red sirens go off in my head.” ~ THE_FIESTY_AMBIVERT
“OP, I think this is a bigger issue. Sit down with your mom and create a timeline for when she needs to get a job and a timeline for when she needs to be out.”
“It’s clear she feels like she’s the adult of the house, so living together is just going to hurt your relationship. She needs to move out and then have this strange man at her house as much as she wants.” ~ crystallz2000
“Yeah, you have done enough. I know what it’s like to love your family so much that you will do anything for them, but it is clear that you are being taken advantage of.”
“It’s like your Mom is the child, and you and your sister are the adults. This is not a healthy dynamic and it needs to end for your own sakes.” ~ No-good-ideas_Iowa80
“My guess is he lives in the same city as OP and his family and is free some nights because his wife works shift.”
“All in all, it is a very creepy situation. It is so sad that the mother is more concerned with her own ‘happiness’ than that of her children, or more alarmingly, their safety.” ~ shattered7done1
“NTA. It sounds like this guy is the apartment complex’s handyman. And he lives 3 hours away.”
“He’s hooking up with your mom in your apartment, and he’d rather stay overnight and wake up at work, to save himself a 6-hour roundtrip.”
“Who knows if this guy is married or what? But he doesn’t have your mom’s interest at heart. They aren’t going on dates.”
“He’s used her for sex and probably was planning on staying overnight from the beginning. Since that was off the table, he’s probably sweet-talking one of your other neighbors.”
“Regardless of how well you know this guy, you’re not obligated to let your mom use your apartment this way.”
“I assume since she’s unemployed and not on the lease, she isn’t paying 1/3 of the rent. If she’s paying rent and has her own room, then she’s a roommate and deserves to have visitors the same as you.” ~ 1962Michael
The OP’s living situation might need a review.
If the mother is unhappy with her daughters being cautious around strangers, perhaps it’s time for the mom to get her own place where she can let anyone she wants spend the night.