Redditor “throwawayaitababy” doesn’t want to throw a baby shower for a friend who’s had fertility issues because she showed nothing but disrespect to their group of friends.
And she has taken to Reddit to be the arbiter of whether she is an a**hole for not wanting to do so or well within her rights.
The Original Poster (OP) explained that she’s part of a friend group that tries to be sensitive toward their friend who’s had fertility issues, as most of the friend group are moms.
She explained:
“I am part of a friend group of 6 women, including myself. Out of this group, one person is childfree, four of us have children, and one has dealt with infertility for the past 4 years.”
“We keep a regular group chat going on Whatsapp, and out of respect for both our childfree friend (I’ll call her Jen) and our friend who struggled with infertility (I’ll call her Amy), those of us with kids have a separate chat where we talk in detail about our kids.”
The Original Poster (OP) mentioned that occasional slip-ups do happen.
“But in the main chat, pregnancy and kid stuff will still come up from time to time.”
“It will usually be quick messages like ‘Sorry I didn’t see this. I was late getting back from the daycare.'”
“When this has happened, Amy has gone radio silent for extended periods of time and occasionally made comments days later like, ‘Sorry I disappeared. You guys got mixed up with the kid chat again.'”
“This has caused tension.”
“After my daughter was born last year, I had a ‘Fresh 48’ photo shoot. A few days later, I got the images and posted them to my Facebook.”
“A few days after that, I received a text message from Jen saying that Amy was very upset because I posted the photos without warning her.”
“This was surprising to me because I didn’t think I needed to warn her since I didn’t text them to her or the group chat.”
“To be honest, I was less than two weeks postpartum, and I was a little pissed that Amy was making my childbirth about her.”
Amy became flustered on yet another occasion.
“The next problem came during the holidays when we decided to all get together for a kid-friendly friendsgiving. I was still breastfeeding at the time, and a small group of us were hanging out in a room.”
“My daughter got fussy, so I started to breastfeed in what I thought was a discrete way (I have a nursing shawl). But then I heard a loud ‘Wow’ from across the room, and I saw that it came from Amy.”
“She was looking right at me, and then she turned and walked out.”
Public breastfeeding turned out to be a major trigger for Amy.
“I felt really bad, so the next day, I reached out to Amy to apologize. She didn’t respond until two days later with a long text message about how people with kids don’t understand how triggering it can be to see things like breastfeeding.”
Amy’s accusation really stung.
“But what hurt me was when she said that she needed a break from our friendship until I wasn’t ‘so self-absorbed and in a mommy bubble.'”
“That really hurt, and we didn’t talk throughout the holidays, even in the group chat. It wasn’t until February that Amy texted me a Valentine’s Day meme and we started talking more again.”
Though tensions eased, for the time being, their friendship would never be the same.
“I tried really hard to get over my hurt feelings, but things changed for me at that point. I had also found out that Amy had made fun of Facebook posts of our kids behind our backs to other people outside of our group.”
But then, there was a plot twist.
“Now, Amy announced two weeks ago that she is pregnant.”
“This weekend she asked me if I would be willing to throw her a baby shower. She doesn’t have any siblings or anyone else to throw it.”
“I’m still feeling raw about how she treated me and my heart isn’t in it. My plan is to tell Amy that I don’t have the time to throw the shower. AITA [Am I the A**hole]?”
Anonymous strangers on the internet were asked if and where guilt belongs by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
“NTA. I mean, the best-worst response would be to say ‘no, I’m too self-absorbed and busy in my mummy bubble to throw you a baby shower.'”
“I understand her struggle with infertility, and that maybe some things that might not be hurtful to most people hurt her in some way. But also, Amy’s just a bad person.”
“She’s a bad person who happens to have struggled with infertility, but that’s not a free pass to treat people like sh*t.”
“Why can’t anyone else in the friend group do it for her?” – carolinemathildes
The OP explained why she is the qualified party planner.
“One person is due in July with her second and another friend is already throwing her shower. Our other friend has 2 under 3 and said she just doesn’t have time.”
“Jen has never been one to throw any baby or kid-related stuff which has never bothered anyone. She is usually just a very enthusiastic contributor (helping decorate, etc.).”
“Edit: I caused some confusion, and I’m sorry. I meant that one of our friends is already throwing a shower for our pregnant friend who is not Amy.”
“Amy and another person are both pregnant right now. Amy is due in October and the other friend is due in July.”
People were already judging Amy.
“I feel like she may have put herself in a position where her baby and baby shower are not a priority to other people whether that bothers anyone or not by her contributions and attitude.” – el_deedee
“From my own personal experience. I had an OP a few years ago when I was 22 and can’t have kids. Your friend is a giant AH.”
“You share in other people’s happiness. You don’t make them feel bad for having it. Your friend is a selfish, self absorbed narcissist.” – Today304
This Redditor felt Amy was not deserving.
“I don’t think you should throw a baby shower for a person who isn’t supportive of her friends when they were a new mother and had the audacity to make fun of your babies behind your backs.”
“Struggling with an issue of your own doesn’t give you the free pass to be a bad person thinking everyone else around you to be supportive of you.”
“Your issues might not be your fault nor are they due to someone else. Amy needs to mature up and be less mean given she’s going to be a mother herself.” – AuroraBlue93
“Going through a struggle doesn’t mean others have to stop feeling joy.”
“That you had a separate chat and apologized for breastfeeding (you apologized for feeding your kid) means you were bending over backwards to accommodate.”
“She threw it in your face. I would take a longer break from this relationship. NTA.” – justbecausemeh
“NTA. What she went through was painful, but she has no right to take it out on others.”
“She never showed you support and went even further by making your moments all about her.”
“She doesn’t deserve your support and is not entitled to it because you’re in the same circle.” – halcyonmeadow
The OP was told to reconsider her excuse.
“OP is NTA for not wanting to host the shower, but using ‘too busy’ is a cop out.”
“This woman poisoned the friendship with her behavior and should know that has consequences.”
“Otherwise the message is that it’s ok to be rude to you, freeze you out for extended periods on a whim, and make fun of your kids.” – CreepyTale8
Infertility struggles are unfortunate, but should others feel an obligation to accommodating someone who has been unkind?