Content Warning: Deceased Parent, Grieving Process, Moving On
It’s a well-known fact that grieving takes time, but the amount of time that it takes and what that period of time looks like will be different for every person.
But a person moving on from a twenty-year marriage to a whole new relationship just two weeks after their spouse’s death feels really fast, side-eyed the members of the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor No-March-3549 was seventeen and deeply grieving the loss of her father, and she was hurt that her mother had already put away anything that was linked to him right after he passed away.
But when her mother told her that she was also seeing another man, and preparing to move him into their home, just two weeks after her father’s funeral, the Original Poster (OP) was shocked.
She asked the sub:
“AITA for confronting my mom after she started seeing someone just two weeks after my dad died?”
The OP was grieving the loss of her father after a heart attack.
“I’m 17 (Female), and my dad passed away suddenly a month ago. It’s been incredibly hard. He and I were really close, and I still haven’t fully processed that he’s gone.”
“He and my mom were married for 20 years. After he passed, we had him cremated and kept things quiet with just a small gathering of family, like my mom preferred.”
“She quickly removed anything that he bought for her or anything that belonged to him.”
“Also, I’m currently going to therapy to process his loss and who I will be without him, but my mom refuses to do any kind of therapy or counseling whatsoever.”
But then the OP’s mother did something she never could have anticipated.
“Two weeks after he died, my mom told me she had started seeing someone new. She’s ALSO planning to let this dude move in within the next few DAYS.”
“I was shocked. It felt way too soon, and honestly, it hurt. I couldn’t believe she was already jumping into something that fast, while I was still barely able to get through the day without crying.”
The OP attempted to talk to her mother about it, but it did not go well.
“So I confronted her. I told her I thought it was disrespectful to my dad’s memory and incredibly hurtful to me. I didn’t yell, but I was direct about how much it bothered me.”
“She told me I don’t understand what it’s like to lose a spouse and said I was being judgmental and unsupportive. She said this new person is helping her feel less alone and that she’s grieving in her own way.”
“Since then, things have been tense between us. I feel bad for upsetting her, but I still think two weeks was way too soon to start something new, especially when we hadn’t even fully said goodbye.”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some immediately suspected an affair from before the OP’s father’s death.
“She was with him before 100 percent. At a minimum, she knew him before, whether they did anything or not.” – roehnin
“This screams affair so loudly. She’s even planning to move him in immediately.”
“The way she disregards her teen’s grief is appalling, regardless if it is just two weeks or a few months.” – NONE0FURBIZZ
“TWO WEEKS?! NTA. Two weeks makes me think that this person was already in the wings.”
“Actually, forget the wings. He was already on the stage. The OP’s father just couldn’t see him from where he stood, or he didn’t realize what role this other guy was trying to play.” – Emergency-Paint-6457
“NTA. Your mom was likely cheating. I’d go as low-contact as you can with her. I’m sorry for your loss.” – wishingforarainyday
“NTA. People grieve in different ways, but this soon raises suspicions. Was she already with him? Did she have thoughts beforehand? So soon after his death, to me at least, raises red flags about did she truly love your dad, and was she faithful. I’d say the same if the genders were reversed.”
“…After thinking about it a little bit more, I definitely think your mom was cheating beforehand. A sudden heart attack is also a suspicious death. With two minor daughters in the house, bringing a new, strange man into it is the worst thing she could do. Your mom doesn’t care about you or your safety. She only cares that her affair partner can now be an open thing.” – Successful-Work6461
Others were more concerned about the mom pushing this relationship on the OP, rather than how quickly she was stepping into the relationship herself.
“NTA. Everyone grieves at their own pace, and your mom may be coping with the loss by jumping into a new relationship. However, she should have kept you out of it.”
“You’re still grieving your father. That’s a loss that isn’t going to go away for a while.”
“Your mother’s new fling isn’t going to last; she’s just trying to avoid being lonely by jumping into a new relationship. She had no need to tell you about it when her relationship was this new. Even single parents who had been alone for years wouldn’t tell their kids about their new relationship two weeks in. That’s way too early to know if it’s going to work out.”
“Yes, she has the right to grieve however she wants, but she also has the duty to protect you, her child, from any more hurt. Your mother is supposed to support YOU. You are not here to support her choices when you are in pain.” – totallyworkinghere
“NTA. Even if there was something in their relationship that you didn’t know about, she should still keep any new relationship private until the grieving CHILD is ready to handle the news. Very inappropriate on your mom’s part, and I’m so so sorry for your loss.” – eveon03
“NTA. Not only is she in a new relationship only after two weeks, but she’s expecting you to be okay with him moving in so soon!? Like, his funeral just happened, and his stuff is probably still all over the house, even. “
“These are the types of parents that wonder why their children no longer speak to them.” – PrideAndNoPredjudice
“NTA, she does have the right to grieve in her own way, but she also still needs to act like a mother. The way she’s chosen is not healthy and brings alot of other questions to the forefront.”
“She should be in grief counseling. Therapy would do both of you a lot of good to deal with your loss. Hopefully, her actions don’t ruin your relationship with her. You could try having another talk with her.” – FeedbackAltruistic96
“NTA. There’s a reason most people in the past observed a formal mourning period. It gave shape and a kind of ceremony to the necessary work of grief and recovery and made it ‘visible’ to others. There were certain expectations during mourning periods: no dating, wearing somber colors that grew lighter over the months, not attending merriments and entertainments for a while.”
“I’m sure it was oppressive for some, but today’s lack of formality leads to things like dating two weeks after a partner passed suddenly. I expect your mother may still be in a kind of shock, and having someone to steady her, even a poor choice and with poor timing, may help her get through the day.”
“You are both in great pain. It’s likely that you both will need a full year or more to truly come through this most serious loss. Give yourself that time.”
“Your mother should take it, too, but you can’t tell her what to do. She likely will not be with this man long. It’s more of a phase she will go through. You need to accept that she has this way of getting through it.”
“I understand your anger. She’s probably deeply angry and hurt, and so lost right now. Try your best to comfort each other.” – Euphoric_Travel2541
One Redditor had a completely different take, expressing empathy for both women.
“Reddit’s going to tell you that she was absolutely cheating on your father, and that’s why she’s moving on so fast, but Reddit is a bit obsessed with the worst-case scenario.”
“What’s equally likely, and especially if she’s so resistant to counselling, is that your mother is, right now, a complete and utter mess. Her partner of 20 years has just died, all of a sudden, and now she’s left holding the bag for everything, trying to hold everything together, and with no support.”
“She has no idea what she’s doing, and she’s seeking comfort by falling into a new relationship, which will inevitably end up being a disaster.”
“(Moving in a man after two weeks? Really? Again, everybody’s saying ‘cheating’ but frankly, if this man was patient enough to be invisible for months or years up until now, he’s patient enough to wait a few months until things can be done properly. My money’s on your mum getting involved with some bum who says the right things and needs a place to stay.)”
“She’s not trying to disrespect your dad, she’s trying not to fall apart. (And mostly failing at it.)”
“I’m not saying this because you need to step up for your mum; you don’t, you’re 17. I’m saying this so you might be able to understand where she’s at right now and why she’s making terrible decisions, because understanding makes it hurt less for everyone involved.”
“I think the best thing you can do is sit down with her; actually, the best thing you can do is talk to your grandparents first (her parents, or her siblings, or a friend of hers that you trust), and then sit down with her *together*.”
“Yes, you want her to be happy, but your father just died, so you really don’t want to know about it right now. Can she be discreet about her relationships, and when it’s the two of you, you just focus on adjusting to a family of two? You don’t want to meet anyone she’s dating until they’ve been together for at least six months. Let the adults of the family talk her out of moving this guy in.”
“Of course if it turns out that they’ve actually been together for ages, then all of the above advice goes out the window, but my money’s on it being some loser she met in a bar who makes her forget the pain for a little bit and who’s eager to use her generosity of moving in.” – himit2
The subReddit was shocked that the OP’s mother thought that this was a good idea, for herself and for her child, so soon after her husband passed away.
This is especially true if it was someone she just met, who she technically shouldn’t fully trust yet, particularly with moving into her house.
But if it turns out that she’s known the guy for a long time and possibly was even cheating on her husband with him, it would only serve to open up a whole other world of hurt for her daughter.