Friends enter our lives at different stages.
We may have childhood friends, school friends, college friends, work friends, church friends, etc… But as we grow as people, not every friend will continue with us.
And there’s nothing wrong with that. If our lives diverge, the friendship may have run its course.
A woman in conflict with two of her friends turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Wisespender asked:
“AITA for ‘ruining’ my friends vacation?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“I (female, 38) just got back from a vacation with two of my longtime friends, ‘Kate’ (female, 40) and ‘Mary’ (female, 38). I’ve known them both since university, and we’ve always been close.”
“The three of us had been planning this Bali trip for a few months, along with our husbands and their kids. They both have children under 5, while my husband ‘Jake’ (male, 45) and I are childfree.”
“We agreed to split the cost of a four-bedroom villa three ways, and everything seemed fine at first.”
“Jake and I arrived in Bali earlier than the rest of the group because we had different flights. Once we got to the villa, we waited to choose rooms with our friends and didn’t mind when they both chose the ones with en suites.”
“We had a great time during the trip—Jake and I did some couples activities—massages, hiking, dinners—but we also spent time with Kate and Mary and their families whenever it worked for everyone. To be nice, I even surprised them with massages to give them a break.”
“The only thing that made me uncomfortable was that whenever I ordered a drink—a cocktail before dinner, or a glass of wine with meals—I’d get comments like ‘Oh, you’re drinking again?’.”
“For context, I’m a social drinker and don’t drink often, but we were on vacation, and I didn’t think it was a big deal, especially since our husbands were drinking too. I just ignored the comments so I could enjoy the trip.”
“On the last night, Jake and I made plans with the guys to go out, and Kate and Mary said they were staying in to pack. Jake convinced me to join him, and since it was the last night of our vacation, I didn’t want to stay in either.”
“We went out and had a great time. I passed out in my bed after a night out in heels—we were out at a bar till 1am and I was exhausted.”
“I only drink as much as I can handle—4-5 cocktails over 6ish hours is my max. As a woman in her late 30s, I have bad hangovers so I drink within reason. My husband, on the other hand, drinks a lot more than I can handle.”
“The next morning was a bit chaotic with everyone packing and checking out, but we all made it back home without issue. We had booked business class seats back, so we were separated during the flight and said quick goodbyes at the airport.”
“A week after returning home, I got a long text from Kate saying that both she and Mary wanted to reduce contact with me because I had ‘ruined their vacation’.”
“They mentioned several things, like me drinking every night, that I wasn’t acting like a ‘girls’ girl’, that I booked different flights, didn’t hang out with them enough, and that I was selfish for not helping with their kids.”
“She even said I was just focused on partying and not acting my age.This message really hurt me.”
“I cried after reading it, and I honestly don’t know what to think. I thought I was just enjoying my vacation, but clearly, they had a very different view.”
“Jake and I spent 50% of the time with them and the rest doing our own thing. We went on an ATV/hiking tour, visited temples, went snorkeling, spa/massages—also with Kate and Mary—and went to the markets.”
“The rest of the trip we spent with them in the pool or at the beach. We had dinner with them. We had breakfast separately and lunch with them about half the time.The last night there we went out to a lounge/bar with the guys after dinner.”
“Overall, we wanted to get the most out of the trip because we spent a lot on it and figured we could have a few days of downtime after we got back.”
“Our holidays are generally activity filled—that’s why we didn’t care about having nicer rooms because the intention was to be out and about. My friends had their SOs with them, so I didn’t realize I was doing anything wrong.”
“I accept that I am giving a one sided description because my pov is the only one I can have.”
“I haven’t responded yet, and my husband has been asking what’s bothering me, but I don’t know what to say.”
“AITA for how I acted during the trip?”
The OP summed up their situation.
“I just wanted to enjoy myself on holiday. I might have not have spent enough time with my friends.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors unanimously decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
“What the f*ck? Those friends are jealous… that’s ThankNTA. Take another vacation with your husband and post the pics. Caption ‘finally a real vacation’.” ~ Reddit
“NTA. They’re just jealous and expected you to lighten their childcare load.”
“Just because they have kids doesn’t mean if you go on holiday with them you must stay and look after the children just because you’re a woman.”
“They need to tell this bull to their husbands as well because there sure is a double standard there.”
“Partying? They must be joking. You go on holiday to enjoy things. Food, beverage, and experiences.”
“Honestly, they’re jealous because they feel that they can’t have a drink before dinner because of kids and responsibilities, and because of this, it makes them resent you for doing it.”
“They just expect you to be ‘grown up’ with a boring life like them. Even though that’s a completely unrealistic expectation.”
“They probably can’t even admit it to themselves. They need a reality check, but they probably won’t listen to it from you.”
“I’d say my piece as to why I disagree with what they’ve said and then just back right off the friendship.”
“If they’re good friends, they will try to make amends. If not, you’re probably no longer compatible, which sucks but you might be better off.” ~ Top_Most_3528
“They literally expected more from you than they expected from their own husbands when it came to childcare. They are mad at you for doing what their husbands did.”
“The difference is that you don’t have kids and their husbands do. So if anyone should have held back on drinking, it was their husbands.”
“Their husbands should have shared the load—not you. Holy internalized misogyny.” ~ schaden_friende
“NTA. Why are the fathers of the children not expected to help with the childcare, but you are? This is sexism, though perpetrated by women.” ~ ratishi
“Their own husbands get off scott free to have a good time, but OP should chip in with their kids because she has a vagina?”
“Nope. F that noise. I’d be at the bar doing shots too.” ~ PrincessCG
The OP provided two updates, first.
“Thank you, Reddit, for all your kind words and support. Reading through the responses and seeing how many of you are upset on my behalf has made me reflect on how I initially planned to handle things.”
“I was going to apologize, thinking it might be the easiest way to keep the peace, but now I realize that might not be the right approach after all. I have also showed my husband, Jake, this post and the text message, and he told me to thank you for looking out for me.”
“He’s actually pretty angry on my behalf about the text message. I showed him some of the comments that gave me insight on how my friends may have been feeling which has given us both a lot to think about.”
“He asked me what I wanted to do next and if I wanted him to respond to my friends for me. While I appreciated the offer, I told him I’m still thinking it over.”
“He reassured me that he’s here for me no matter what, and if I decide I want him to step in, he’d be ready to say something on my behalf.”
“For now, I’m going to sleep on it and take some time before I respond or don’t respond to the text message. If I do, I’ll post an update.”
“Again, thank you all for helping me see things a bit more clearly. I feel less alone in this now.”
The OP later added:
“I spoke with Mary by text. She said she agreed on most parts of Kate’s text and they both have had a problem with me for ages because I invited them to or only organized adult only events and nothing family friendly.”
“Which isn’t true. I was the one who organized her baby shower…”
“I added both of my ex-friends to a group chat to discuss my feelings.”
“Throughout the interaction, no apology for their passive aggressive comments or even acknowledgement that I tried to be accomodating. I gave them better rooms, organized massages, kept our shared space organized, made all the dinner reservations, helped prep snacks, got gifts for them and the kids.”
“Mary just said that she’s sorry it’s come to this and Kate just ignored me. I was so disappointed in these women who I thought were my friends.”
“I blocked them and unfollowed them on social media. I’m actually glad I found out sooner rather than later.”
“I am going to share this Reddit post with our mutual friends who want the T.”
Told Jake about it, he just said good riddance. I’m going to Japan next March and Fiji in December for a wedding.”
“I’ll be posting on social media with the caption ‘finally a real vacation’. Thank you to the person who suggested it.”
When friends from high school or college progress in life by getting married or choosing to have children, their priorities will naturally change.
However, expecting friends who haven’t made those choices to change their priorities to match is unreasonable and selfish.