The division of labor is a major bone of contention in many marriages. And for one guy on Reddit, it turned into a conflict over something seemingly petty—sleeping habits
He wasn't sure about how he was handling things with his wife when it came to these issues, so he went to the AITA (Am I The A**hole) subReddit for input.
The Original Poster (OP), who goes by Kichijouten14 on the site, asked:
"AITA for asking my wife to 'sleep in' one morning a week?"
He explained:
"My wife and I have been married 11 years and are currently in the thick of the toughest part of our marriage. We have three young sons aged 9, 7, and 5. Needless to say, it is a very difficult time, mornings in particular."
"My wife is a stay at home mom, but does have an online 'mommy blog' presence across several platforms that brings in a decent chunk of money, probably 25% of our overall family income. The thing is, for whatever reason, even with all three boys at school, she stays up very late every night, often not going to bed until around 1:00am."
"In my 9 to 5, I have to work Sundays - Thursdays, but because of how tired (and downright crabby) my wife is every morning, I end up waking up early with the boys and doing 90% of the getting-ready-for-school routine, while she sleeps in until about 8:05am. She comes then comes down and points out all the mistakes I've made with lunches, outfits, whatever, and 'corrects' them, and I drop them off at the bus."
"This is all to say that Saturday morning is the one morning when they don't have school, I don't have work, and I'd like to 'sleep in' until around 9/9:30am. She gets furious when I attempt this, and constantly brings up that I go to bed earlier than her (anywhere from 9pm to 10:30pm) and I should be well-rested enough. Am I the a**hole for even asking to sleep until 9:30am in this one morning a week?"
OP's fellow Redditors were then asked to judge who is in the wrong in this situation based on the following categories:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH - No A**holes Here
And they were mostly on OP's side on this one.
"NTA. You have multiple issues in your marriage that you honestly need to draw a line and insist on marriage counseling for. The sleeping issue is one of them but her tendency to waltz in and start criticizing is a huge, huge, HUGE problem that she will at some point start doing to your kids, too, if she hasn't already and that will fu*k them up emotionally."
"She needs to focus more on actually BEING a caring mom and less on LOOKING LIKE a caring mom to internet strangers." --vodka_philosophy
"NTa. How is your wife qualified to run a mommy blog if she shirks most of the parenting responsibilities off on you?" --NUT-me-SHELL
"She's presenting herself on the internet as a great mom then refusing to *ever* get up with the kids, and on school mornings demonstrates bad parenting skills by berating you in front of the children. Do you want them to grow up thinking that is what things are supposed to be like?" --WorsePartOfValor
"I guess her qualification is that she's good at lying."
"NTA" --AggravatingTear2879
"NTA. Your desire sounds completely reasonable to me."
"Since she seems to be a night owl, maybe she could pitch in with things like setting the breakfast table, packing lunches, etc. that could be done the night before, to make your mornings with the boys a little easier." --AmazingPreference955
"NTA"
"Hi friend, a lot of these comments are pretty black and white so I wanted to throw my two cents in. A lot of people are suggesting hading out ultimatums. I find that generally puts a lot of pressure on both parties and usually ends up doing more harm then good (One feels the need to follow through on the ultimatum, the other feels attacked, everyone gets really defensive)."
"It's really important to remember that feelings are complicated, you can love someone while being mad at them, or want to support someone when they hurt you. And thats okay, you get to choose what's the best path for you, even if it may not be the most efficient. From the way you write this out, to me at least, it seems like you want things to get better, not end. It also seems like you want to help your wife."
"Now I'm not catjolic myself but I have heard guilt is even more emphasized there than in other cultures, and that could be a big barrier for your wife. Feeling guilty about having a mommy blog when she doesn't feel like a good mommy, feeling guilty for not being there to get them ready for school, feeling guilty for struggling in her marriage."
"At the end of the day there's a reason she goes to bed at 1am. When you feel guilty about something you're not very likely to want to share them with another person, let alone a stranger. Now none if this means that the way you feel is okay but it may be helpful in aproaching the situation."
"As a first step I would recommend bringing this up again during a neutral time (when you aren't fighting and aren't having a really good time, just a regular day). Start of by saying something like: I love you and I want us to work together on this. Make sure she knows you aren't trying to attack or judge her by telling her about thing you feel you could improve on, or that you feel guilty about/struggle with."
"Also add in some things she does which you think are positive (like the income her blog brings in). Make sure to keep emphasizing that you two are going to work together to fix the problems you're having which are NOT the sole responsibility or outcome of any one person."
"Finally you can say that a therapist is likely to see thins from a neutral perspective and are trained to help decipher what your partner is trying to communicate. Sometimes what someone says or another hears isn't what is meant. And if that doesn't work remind her that you don't want to get a divorce, you want to make the good thing you have stay good and see if she'll try it as a favour to you."
"Of course none of this is garaunteed to help but I find that people on reddit don't realise how much work and compassion is required for a marriage to stay happy so I thought maybe one comment that wasn't just 'get a divorce'would be nice." --LovelyLittleBee
Hopefully OP and his wife can find a way to work through this.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.