Support isn't just about the words you use.
Screaming your support to a drowning person, after all, doesn't really do much.
The really important thing is to do the actual helping.
Offer a ladder, lend a hand, show your support instead of just talking about it.
What happens though, when the support you speak doesn't show up in the actions you offer?
This was the problem facing Redditor and Original Poster (OP) ApprehensiveFix3425 when she came to the "Am I the A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for outside opinions.
She asked:
"AITA for not attending my daughter's gender reveal for her lizard?"
OP started with the background.
"This is literally really stupid but she's really upset about it."
"So my (48) daughter (23) has a blue tongue skink who she heavily adores."
"She jokingly refers to it as her daughter, I've found it weird but she says it's because it's the closest thing she'd have to a child and she feels a strong emotional bond similar to a child."
"She has decided to remain child-free for multiple reasons and I have been very supportive of this decision."
"Well she recently took her Skink to the vet for a checkup and she was excited to find out her Skinks gender."
It began with an invitation.
"Afterwards I got a text asking if I'd come to her gender reveal party she was having."
"She explained it was just a small get-together with cake and food for her friends she hasn't seen in a while with the gender reveal being mostly a joke (and a way to make fun of real gender reveals)."
"Well, I didn't come."
"I didn't see a point."
"It's just a lizard and I'm a busy person."
Her daughter explained her side.
"She later called me and expressed she was kind of sad I didn't come cuz it'd been a while since I'd seen her but she understood I was busy."
"I told her she couldn't actually expect me to come to a gender reveal for a lizard."
"She said that it wasn't a real gender reveal, that was more of a joke and it was really just a small gathering to catch up with everyone."
But then,
"I told her if that was the case she should've just called it a gathering because I'm not coming to a gender reveal unless it's for a real granddaughter."
"She got quiet for a minute and then turned my words around, claiming I wasn't supportive of her decision to be childfree."
"I told her she can't possibly expect me to treat a lizard as a grand daughter, she said she didn't expect me too but it was clear I didn't respect her bond with her lizard and her decision, and she just wanted to see me and my reason for coming was hurtful."
"I told her she was being ridiculous over a lizard, she claimed it wasn't over the lizard and it was a gathering and not even centered around the lizard, but I stick by to what I said."
"It's ridiculous to have a gender reveal for a lizard."
"She hung up and I got a message from her best friend about how I'm an a**hole for treating her that way, but I don't think I'm the a**hole for not wanting to go to a party for a lizard?"
Having explained the situation, OP came to Reddit for some fresh opinions.
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided:YTA
Some pointed out how strangely literal OP was being.
"Daughter: 'Hey, I'm having a pirate-themed party' "
"OP: 'I can't go, I don't own a boat' " ~ SolarSFCA
Others suggested that OP's support was in name only.
"I'm ace."
"Never dated in high school and made up crushes to get people off my back"
"My mum tried to be supportive but took years to actually realize that me being asexual meant I wasn't going to suddenly find a male partner and be attracted to them and make babies."
"Same with friends."
"They 'accepted' it in theory but never in practice."
"OP is pretending to be supportive but really isn't good at hiding her disdain for her daughter not following the Life Script" ~ therewillbecubes
And,
"Also, according to the edit, her daughter 'claims' to be asexual."
"So... Yeah. This mother is not okay with many things in her daughter's life."~ bebeschtroumph
Commenters used her own words against her.
" 'I got a text asking if I'd come to her gender reveal party she was having'."
" 'She explained it was just a small get-together with cake and food for her friends she hasn't seen in a while with the gender reveal being mostly a joke'."
" '(and a way to make fun of real gender reveals)'."
" 'I told her if that was the case she should've just called it a gathering' "
"She did, she told you it was a small get-together to see people she hadn't seen in a while, with the gender reveal being a joke."
"Your daughter wanted to see you, and you refused because your fee fees got hurt over a silly joke."
"You don't have a granddaughter, and if you carry on acting like this you won't have a daughter for much longer either."
"YTA."~soundlikebutactually
Or,
"YTA"
" 'Well I didn't come. I didn't see a point. It's just a lizard and I'm a busy person.' "
"It wasn't for the lizard, it was for your daughter."
"If you're too busy to do nice things for your family (or apparently even tell them you aren't coming) then just say that."
"But don't hide behind some ridiculous moral stance of it being 'not a real gender reveal.' "
"Honestly this whole post just screams 'I only give a sh*t about my kid if she's having babies' and that's pretty vile." ~ rhomboidus
OP did return to some clarity on her position.
"EDIT: In the time I was away I got many replies and it was a lot to read through."
"Let me clear a couple things up."
"My issue is that she said the party was a gender reveal, if she had called it just a party I would have come."
"But calling it a gender reveal makes it sound like it's for the lizard, and I'm not going to that even if it is a 'joke'.
"I don't know why it matters but the Skink is a girl which is why I said 'I'm not coming to a gender reveal unless it's for a real granddaughter'."
"Even though I don't agree with my daughter for being childfree, I have been supportive and only shown mild frustration."
"The reasons she decided to be childfree is she claims she's asexual, she just doesn't want one, she has emotional baggage and feels unable to care for a real child, she fears pregnancy, and she has a carrier gene like me and 'doesn't want to go through what I did'."
"(I had 4 miscarriages and a highly defect child that died after 3 months due to the gene)."
"Yes there has been slight tension between us because I think she just hasn't found the right man (she never dated growing up) and her other fears are unnecessarily exaggerated."
"But it's ultimately her decision and I don't resent her."
"We haven't seen each other in three months."
"I'm a single mother and we have always been close which is why she invited me with her friends, I just didn't want to go to a party with a lizard, and if it wasn't for the lizard she should've called it a party instead of a gender reveal."
Support isn't about the the words.
" I support you" only goes so far, after all.
Support is about the actions taken.
The life preserver, the ladder.
Yes, even the party.
Be aware of the people really there to support you, and those only echoing words they think are right.
Trans Man Considers Breaking Off Engagement After Fiancé Wants Him To Wear A Dress For Wedding
KimJane Photography/GettyImages
A lot of people often say, "Believe people when they tell you who they are the first time."
It's one of life's truest (and ignored) sayings.
Believe a person when they are drunk and spew words as well.
Often, a few drinks will help a person let loose on how they really feel.
And then take note.
Redditor dude-e23 wanted to discuss his experience and get some feedback, so naturally, he came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
He asked:
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"Hi, I'm sorry for the potentially bad English; it's not my first language anyway."
"I'm a 26-year-old male who recently got engaged to my fiancè, a 28-year-old male."
"For the sake of the story, I'm going to call him Mark."
"I'm a trans man, and this will be relevant to the story."
"Mark and I have been going out for 4 years, and I wasn't on testosterone when we met, and only started recently."
"Mark had never had any issues with my gender identity; he always respected my pronouns and my gender, or so I thought."
"Recently, we were over at his parents' when the topic of the wedding planning came up."
"His mom asked about our wedding outfits, and Mark, who was a bit drunk at this point, said, 'I want to put (my name) in a dress so SHE can be prepared for HER future wifey duty.'"
"I was stunned, and I could see how uncomfortable his mom was."
"I said we were leaving and took Mark home."
"It happened yesterday, and I'm genuinely thinking of breaking it off."
"I've struggled a lot with my identity, and a big part of my family cut me off after my coming out."
"Right now, Mark is at work, and I pretended to be asleep when he left, but now I can't stop overthinking small details like how he used some feminine term in bed or how he always hated when I cut my hair short."
"But maybe he thought it was funny, and he was too drunk to realize what he was saying."
The OP was left to wonder:
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A-hole.
"Yeah, so it turns out that this isn't the case."
"Please don't marry him."
"He fundamentally doesn't respect who you are."
"And to be honest, this would be a disturbing enough statement if you were a woman."
"You can't tie yourself down to this person." ~ HighRiseCat
"Yes! It would still be icky and questionable for him to say this if OP presented as a CIS female - but the fact that OP is a trans man makes it horrifying. WTF?!" ~ MarionberryOk2874
"NOR. I'm a cisgender, heterosexual married woman, so my experience with dating is very different from yours, but if my fiancé said 'She will be wearing a modest dress to get used to life as a married woman' or 'She needs to wear a low cut dress, so I can see what I'm buying' or anything along those lines, I would have called it off quickly."
"The dismissal of your identity is problematic as hell, but so is the little hint that married life will be radically different and not in a lovely, better way."
"Your wedding attire should reflect you, your identity, your values, comfort, and inspire confidence."
"You deserve that."
"Everyone deserves that." ~ ankareeda
"NOR, have a direct conversation with him about this, and don't get legally entangled with him."
"He shouldn't be thinking this is funny anyway; drunkness is not an excuse here, you're his partner of many years." ~ Fit_Square1322
"If these things that he says are coming out when he's drunk, that probably means he's thinking about these issues of your gender presentation, but he's not telling you what he's thinking."
"He sounds very emotionally immature and not ready for marriage." ~ GreenDirt2
"Bro, drunk words are sober thoughts with the volume turned up."
"Thought it was funny isn’t a defense."
"It’s a confession."
"He told his mom who he actually thinks you are."
"You survived your family cutting you off to live as you."
"You don’t owe anyone a second round of that grief because your fiancé can’t handle pronouns after 4 years." ~ BabydolllVibess
"Oh, my God??!!"
"Dude, that’s crazy. Please dump his as*."
"He clearly doesn’t see you as a man, and if you marry him, you’re resigning yourself to a life of being misgendered, and he’s probably gonna try and detransition you or feminize you (seeing as he wants you to wear a DRESS)."
"Also, I’m a trans dude, and I think it’s important that you hear a fellow trans man say this."
"You need to leave."
"You’re a man, and it’s insane that he’s trying to make you feel like you aren’t."
"The breakup will probably suck, but if you stay with him, it’ll be 100x worse." ~ mothmn_9
"NOR, I’ve learned drunk people usually speak more honestly than they mean to."
"I’d guess his mask slipped off; this is certainly grounds for leaving if he can’t accept who you are as you are." ~ Defiant_Tea_8722
"You’re not overreacting."
"I don’t think he actually respects you and who you are as a person."
"He called you feminine things all throughout your relationship."
"Maybe he never accepted you, and I’m sorry."
"I know that's a lot, but I know you will find someone who actually respects you and cares for you truly." ~ Due_Classic_4090
"Some people would tell you that people say things they don’t mean when they’re drunk. I think that’s BS."
"In my experience, it just removes their filter, and everything they say has an underlying truth to it."
"Knowing your gender identity and what you prefer, his words seem very disrespectful towards you and inconsiderate of your feelings, and being drunk isn’t a good enough excuse."
"If you have doubts, don’t just brush them off; trust your gut." ~ Kitchen_Process_8351
"NOR."
"I’m a cis woman, but my first serious relationship was with a trans man."
"Frankly, he was abusive, and I don’t even like or respect him, but still I would NEVER misgender him, because I sincerely understand that he’s a man."
"And I’m not an a**hole."
"Your partner is an a**hole." ~ tigalicious
"NOR. That’s a major breach of trust."
"Your relationship has gone on long enough for him to know that sh*t isn’t cool and is not a matter to joke over, even if he’s drunk (unless he has a drinking problem, in which case he needs to address that before marriage and work to make amends)." ~ Moist_Drippings
"NOR. It sounds like he might be counting on your gender identity to be 'just a phase' and that after the marriage, he’ll expect you to embody the 'wifely' role fully."
"He isn’t taking you seriously as a man, and it doesn’t sound like he’s actually on board for a homosexual marriage."
"Get out of there!" ~ Amwfgoddess
"NOR. My biggest concern is the potential for abuse - wifey duty?"
"Not even a conservative man says something like that."
"It's a pure trash statement."
"My first marriage was to an addict... 'DRUNKEN WORDS ARE SOBER THOUGHTS!'"
"😔 I'm so sorry. 🫂" ~ pashinates
OP returned with an UPDATE:
"I dont know if this is how you update, but anyway..."
"Mark and I are done."
"He came home from work an hour and a half ago, and I made him dinner so we could eat and talk."
"I told him what he said deeply hurt me, that I felt like he didn't respect me and saw me as a woman."
"He said that until recently he always saw me as a man, even though I'm the more feminine side (whatever that means), but since I've started taking testosterone, he realized he was less attracted to me and started to resent me."
"Which is f**king weird because my appearance didn't even change that much, and that he needed to take the 'lead' of the relationship again."
"By then, I had heard enough."
"I made it clear we were done and that this type of behavior was not okay and that it'll never be okay."
"That he had to go to therapy and work on his insecurities, but that I couldn't stay with him."
"At this point, he was apologizing and almost pleading with me to stay, but I really did not want to stay, so I took all my essentials and called my friend."
"I'm currently waiting for her to pick me up."
"I'm so confused about how someone I loved so much could betray me like that."
"I'll ask my friend and her husband if they can go back to take my other stuff later on because I really don't want to see him."
"I'm safe, my friend set me up in the guest bedroom, and I'm so grateful I have her."
"Mark and his family have been blowing up my phone."
"His mom, bless her heart, has only asked how I was and said that no matter what, she'll always see me as her son and that she's sorry about Mark's behavior, but his dad and brother have been sending me very insulting texts that included slurs."
"Mark threatened to 'go get me,' but luckily, he doesn't know where my friend lives."
"Honestly, I don't even recognize the man I was with."
"I'm thinking about moving to another city where I could live with my cousin until I'm back on my feet, but that's a whole other story."
"I'm planning to keep in contact with Mark's mom, and I'll be meeting up with her on Thursday."
"Thank you so much for opening my eyes and for making me realize Mark's behavior was not normal."
This is such a heartbreaking story.
So sorry you had to go through this, OP.
Reddit is loudly 1000% with you.
It's wonderful that you have love and support.
Stay strong.