New parents are in a learn-as-they-go situation.
They have to keep this new, little stranger alive.
That can take a lot of work.
And certain rules and boundaries may need to be put in place to keep said stranger healthy.
These boundaries don't always fly with family.
Redditor TisTheSeasonOfSummer found herself in a dilemma regarding the birth of her preemie baby, so she turned to the "Am I The A**Hole" (AITAH) subreddit for feedback.
Like AITA, the AITAH subreddit lets posters ask for advice and post about ending relationships—both things banned on AITA. However, there are no required voting acronyms—only suggested ones—and no official final judgment declared.
She asked:
"AITAH for not allowing my husband’s grandma to meet her first great grand baby because she refuses to shower?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"This has been drawn out longer than anyone expected, so now I think I just need some reassurance that we’re still making the right call."
"Sorry for the length."
"I (F[emale]25) had my first baby boy in December of 2025."
"He was four weeks early, and stayed in the NICU for 9 days due to feeding and breathing issues."
"All of this was anticipated, so while scary, we had time to prepare."
"My husband’s grandma is a chain smoker."
"She smokes in her house, in her car, and can’t go without it."
"Naturally, her oxygen levels are low, and she’s now wheelchair bound and dependent on help to get around."
"Context for later."
"We had our parents handle the coordinating of people to come meet the baby after a couple of weeks of being home and adjusting."
"We are really close with our large extended family but didn’t want the chaos of scheduling people."
"One of my husband’s aunts mentioned to F[ather]-I[n]-L[aw] that she was insulted that we didn’t invite her ourselves, and how that’s customary and they won’t come until we invite them."
"I said fu*k that."
"We’re not playing that game."
"If they don’t want to take what they get, then I don’t care, and neither did my husband."
"My husband’s other aunt is a smoker, but she hides it well for work already and said she was SOOO excited to meet him."
"We told her we’d like her to shower before coming over and to just wear some new clothes."
"She said she’d do anything we asked, and that our requests are completely understandable, not even considering he was a preemie."
"Then we get to my husband’s grandma."
"When my in-laws told her about needing to shower and change before coming to meet him, all hell broke loose."
“'Well, I can’t go that long without smoking,' or 'it’s a long drive' (15 minutes), 'I don’t have the energy.'"
"Meanwhile she goes on hours-long shopping trips."
"She doesn’t say anything to us directly; she just doesn’t reach out to meet him."
"And then all of a sudden neither of the aunts want to meet him."
"They say to let them know when he can go to restaurants because they don’t want to be blamed for getting him sick."
"No one reaches out, no support, or check-ins."
"Clearly his grandma went to both of them."
"They all decided that we’ll eventually come to our senses, and they’ll wait it out.'
"Game on."
"It’s my FIL’s side, and he knows how ridiculous it is, but understandably wants his mom to meet his first grandbaby."
"Since she started smoking again, her health is going downhill."
"He’s done a good job of not really pushing, and both M[other]-I[n]-L[aw] and FIL have fought hard to back us up."
"But he also asks the same questions every time we see him, asking how we’re feeling about it."
"We recently had to sit down with him and tell him the answer doesn’t change just because he asks it again."
"Fast forward to the present."
"Our baby is almost 9 months old, and they still haven’t met him."
"All of us stopped receiving invites to holidays, sports games, and family trips."
"His grandma is talking up the whole extended family about how my husband is breaking up his family and how it’s all for nothing and how she can’t believe he’d keep a little baby from them."
"Keep in mind, my husband and I have not corresponded with them directly since December. "
"All correspondence is through my in-laws only."
"We are enjoying our new family and letting the drama unfold at a distance, but we get updates."
"My in-laws have laid into every one of them about their stupidity."
"His grandma is losing her friends because they are saying she’s being stubborn and they can’t support her selfishness."
"Honestly, my husband and I both are a bit disappointed that they’ve missed out on this; it’s been such an amazing experience, but we both agree it’s their loss."
"We’re not too torn up, and have been able to find some humor in the ridiculousness."
"However, we can tell it’s taking a toll on FIL."
"He’d never intentionally pressure, but we also never expected this to drag on this long."
"The reality is, we could meet them in a public place now."
"He is still little, but not a preemie anymore."
"We met my husband’s other grandpa at a restaurant, and he’s a smoker."
"But this grandpa never asked to hold him or be near him."
"Just saw him from across the table."
"But at this point, are we holding out just to make a point?"
"I mean, yeah kinda."
"The side that has held out to this point is spiteful."
"It seemed so selfish to me to make it about them at such a transitional time in our lives with a newborn."
"So now, I sure as sh*t don’t want to meet them in a public place; that feels like backing down."
"This side of the family always bulldozed my FIL growing up."
"And he gives in."
"My husband used to be the same, can still be at times, but worked hard on his spine."
"He also had asthma growing up that is believed to be due to him being babysat as a kid by his grandma, who smoked in the house growing up, so he has a vested interest in this topic in addition to it being his kid."
"In the beginning it was specifically about safety."
"Now our intentions are mixed."
"Safety, spite, trying to prove a point."
"We want to make it clear we won’t back down just because they decided to play the waiting game and didn’t respect our requests for our child."
"We also would like to see some interest or effort on her part. "
"Even another suggestion."
"As opposed to entitlement and sitting back and waiting for us to give in."
The OP was left to wonder:
"So. Aita for not allowing my husbands grandma to meet her first great grand baby because she refuses to shower?"
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - More Information Needed
Redditors decided the OP was NOT the A**hole here.
"NTA. She must be a real ballbreaker for no one to break ranks before the baby isn't a baby anymore!" ~ Outrageous-Arm1945
"NTA. I used to be a smoker; my best f*cking friend had her first baby and told me if I wanted to meet her, I needed to be smoke-free, as in showered and hair washed, fresh clothes and teeth brushed/hands washed… I said absolutely; cigarettes are not worth me not meeting my 'niece.'"
"4 years smoke free now." ~ Mission_Reporter4301
"NTA. My mother-in-law smokes, and early on in my pregnancy I told my husband that I didn’t want her smoking around the baby and to have fresh clothes if she did smoke."
"He had a hard time bringing it up to his mom since he didn’t want to be disrespectful, but once he did, she pulled up her sleeve and showed us her patch and said she’s working on quitting."
"If this great-grandma was actually interested in being part of your baby’s life, she could do the bare minimum and take a shower." ~ honeyroastedk
"My older sister played manipulation/dominance games on me all my life."
"The feeling you call spite probably isn't."
"For me, it was the instinct to hold my ground and be my own person."
"If you cave, they've won, and none of your boundaries will ever be respected."
"I think they're trying to make you bow and assert dominance and obedience. "
"Frankly, they're mostly punishing themselves (and unfortunately your FIL); let them."
"This may well set the tone for all future interactions. NTA!" ~ International_Salt33
"Truth to be told, chances are that grandma is beyond 75, and it's a known fact she has issues with her oxygen levels."
"As such, showering is a big ask for her."
"Not unreasonable, but a big thing for her."
"For one, chances are that she cannot shower on her own, so she needs assistance."
"Then she's too addicted to her cigarettes to not smoke for even a little while."
"Don't get me wrong, I'm fully on team OP - but things aren't as easy for grandma as people seem to assume." ~ melympia
"NTA... my son requested my mom shower and put on clean clothes to meet his newborn the first time, and she doesn’t smoke and showers daily."
"It’s acceptable to protect your child."
"My son was terribly allergic to smoke residue as a baby and toddler; it caused a speech delay because of ear infections."
"I resumed smoking when he was 7."
"My daughter wouldn’t let anyone who had smoked around her daughter."
"I quit before she was born but had started again, and I quit again shortly before my son’s daughter was born."
"My next grandchild is due in October, and I’m hoping to not be vaping by then."
"Ask great-grandma to get a vape or nicotine gum so she can go a couple hours to meet her great-grandson."
"If she isn’t willing to try, then she doesn’t deserve to know him, but it’s harder to not smoke when you know you can’t."
"Protect your child; that’s your job." ~ Stay_Sea_Motivated
"NTA, if you want to meet the baby."
"It’s not unreasonable to have a shower, put on fresh, unsmokey clothes, and come to meet the baby without smoking in between."
"An adult should be able to manage a couple of hours."
"Chew some gum." ~ Clean_Permit_3791
"NTA. They are more interested in drama than seeing your son." ~ Sylkre
Reddit has your back, OP.
Your husband's family is being combative.
How is a cigarette more important than the health of a baby?
It's sad, but you do what you have to do.
Good Luck.
