Very few things are as joyous or stressful as having a child.
Questions about schooling and where to raise the kid come flooding in as soon as the test reads positive and the joy and stress and fear all mingle together into a very interesting time for the new parents.
One of the most difficult early questions, of course, is what do you name this new living thing you know nothing about?
That was the issue facing Redditor and Original Poster (OP) cantnameakidtedbundy when she came to the "Am I the A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for outside judgments.
She asked:
"AITA for telling my husband his name suggestion for our unborn baby is idiotic at best?"
After a brief introduction, she went into the history.
"Hello all!"
"This has caused quite a stir on both sides of the family, and my niece suggested I post this here so as to garner unbiased opinions."
"Unfortunately, as it is relevant to the story, I will have to keep much personal information uncensored in this story. As such, this is a throwaway account."
"My (35 Female) husband (37 Male) and I are pregnant with our first child."
"We are overjoyed, as we have struggled with perceived infertility and miscarriages for the last decade."
"We want the gender to be a surprise, but may have to find out to settle this; I'm currently at the tail end of my second trimester."
Then she moved to the start of the issue.
"Now, my husband absolutely idolized his grandpa, who, unfortunately, passed away last week."
"My husband is devastated, especially about the notion that his children will never meet their great grandpa who their father adored so much."
"As such, my husband has suggested that we name the baby after grandpa; Theodore if it's a boy, Theodora if it's a girl. Either way, we will either call them Teddy, or Theo/Thea respectively."
Which would have been fine, except...
"It's not that I mind the name, the issue is that our last name is Bounde; pronounced bun-dee."
"I asked my husband, do you really see no issue in naming our kid Teddy Bounde?"
"You don't think that would raise any questions? He says no, he's just honoring his grandpa; I told him he needs to think about how we will be perceived, how our child will be treated, and the implications that that name inherently carries."
"I literally had to spell out why that would be a horrible idea, and he still thinks I just hate his grandpa."
"I told him no, grandpa was named in 1930 when the name Teddy Bounde wouldn't have been a problem."
"However, since certain events in the 70s & 80s, there's no feasible way we can give this name to our kid and not cause issues."
"He kept pushing and pushing until I blew up and told him to stop with the idiotic suggestion, and that's what it is; idiotic at best, sociopathic at worst."
"He got extremely upset and told his family and my parents, who are divided."
"His family is obviously on his side and wants to honor grandpa via naming the baby after him."
"My parents are torn but on my side, as they understand the social pariah we would make our child by giving them such a similar name to the person who did such abhorrent and downright evil things to so many women."
"I mean, personally I don't think anyone is just going to assume that we are honoring a passed loved one; they're just going to think of Ted Bundy."
OP was left to wonder...
"AITA?"
Having explained the situation, OP turned to Reddit for outside opinions.
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided: NTA
Some responses were quite direct.
"NTA please do not name your kid, in effect, Ted Bundy. Literally, ignore everybody encouraging you to name your kid Ted Bundy." ~ rocksthosesocks
And,
"Even Jeffery Dahmer's brother changed his last name." ~ annswertwin
Commenters shared personal experiences.
"My brother has the same name as a very famous (retired) NBA player."
"My brother was born many years before this player and worked for an airline for decades."
"Anytime he flew into the town where this guy played, he got GREAT restaurant reservations for the flight crew, calling saying he needed a table for
"Imagine the disappointment at the restaurant when a middle-aged white guy and a bunch of German folks showed up." ~ Merujo
Or,
"My last name is similar to a last name from a very popular Christmas movie that came out in the 90s, and I can't even tell you how annoying it is when I introduce myself and they say 'like the movie'."
"Well, no, the movie came out years after I was born. And that's a popular movie character. I can't even imagine an infamous name like Ted Bundy." ~ VelocityGrrl39
Also,
"NTA."
"I have a friend who has a very similar name to a well-known serial killer."
"He has to wind up basically apologizing for his name wherever he goes, even though he has absolutely no relation to the guy. It's pretty sad."
"There are many ways you can honour your husband's grandfather without giving the baby such an unfortunate name." ~ MrsMaiselsBrisket
Commenters encouraged the art of compromise.
"NTA."
"Even if the name wasn't 'bad' in this way, it takes TWO yes's for a baby's name. Two. Even if you simply didn't like the name, your NO means NO."
"How many people did it take to make the baby? Two."
"How many people will it take to raise this baby? Two."
"How many people get to decide on the name? TWO."
"One no = NO." ~ RissaRay113
Additionally,
"NTA -"
"This is good time to implement the 'two yes one no' rule."
"Big decisions, both parents need to agree. If one doesn't agree? It vetoes the decision."
"The middle name suggestion is a great idea."
"This should be between you and your husband and everyone else can pound sand."
"Also- your husband's desire to honor his grandpa, as well-intentioned as it may be, is not more important than your child's social well-being."
"You can honor grandpa lots of ways that don't involve taking on his name at the risk/cost of your kid getting teased." ~ AnalysisParalysis907
Others looked to the child's future.
"It's not just the kid getting teased. let's not act like this just a childhood problem."
"Ted Bundy makes people uncomfortable."
"Let's think about job applications are relationships - Does anyone seriously think Ted Bundy (and this is what people will read) will not have a harder stand compared to John Doe?" ~ Ascentori
Also,
"This."
"The name would set up the poor kid for endless, endless, endless, endless people asking, YOU KNOW WHO ELSE WAS NAMED THAT and google searches turning up articles and so forth"
"-- He'd have to go to therapy. He'd change his name when he turned 18."
"No, me, that would be me. I would be a wreck, I would beg my parents to change it change it change it or send me into the woods forever to live alone so I can please please get some PEACE."
"I had one of those negative attention childhoods for other reasons, it was absolute misery."
"My last name was easily mangled into a euphemism for 'toilet.' So much misery and pain about it."
"I'm nearly hyperventilating just thinking about how much worse it would be to be named after someone that infamous."
"Kids are merciless and awful when younger, and a lot of them don't improve with age. Your husband needs to come down out of the clouds and pay attention." ~ SociallyAwkardTurtle
And,
"OMG! I spit out my water and woke up my fiancée I laughed so hard at this! 😂"
"NTA OP - as a fan of true crime, and person with a degree in criminal psychology, I, instantly, cringed reading this."
"Your child will be bullied and ridiculed their entire life with that name."
"Parents need to agree on a name for their child, one parent does not get a unilateral decision."
"However, if your husband insists on using this name I, highly, recommend you fill out the birth certificate yourself with a different name."
"Please, do NOT name your child, male or female, any form of Ted Bundy!" ~ bookworm1421
OP did return to offer some final clarifications.
"EDIT:"
"Edit just to say that you guys are all proving my point that Ted Bundy is clearly still an infamous name."
"There has not been one comment that didn't immediately make the correlation upon hearing my last name. That is exactly what I don't want to have happen to my child."
"Kids are dicks, and they're gonna find a way to be mean. Let's not just hand them the material."
"EDIT 2:"
"Bundy's full name was Theodore Bundy. That's where this problem is ultimately stemming from."
"When a teacher reads the name from the roll, be it Theodore or Theodora, they aren't going to assume a nickname; it's just gonna be the full thing."
Names can be powerful.
The words we use to identify each other instantly call images to our minds.
Names like Karen or Chad are heavily weighted while a name like Dax might get odd looks because it's so uncommon.
Remember that as important as the decision is, names can always be changed.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp