Mental health is a difficult subject.
Who is to say how a person is feeling at any given time, other than that person.
The trouble, of course, is that there are still commitments to service, still errands to run.
Appointments to be had.
So what happens when mental health and outer commitments clash?
This was the problem that brought Redditor and Original Poster (OP) Main_Calligrapher261 to the “Am I the A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for outside opinions.
She asked:
“AITA for pulling my daughter out of a wedding?”
She began with a little history.
“So the short story for background is that I have bad anxiety that runs from okay to severe.”
“I had a miscarriage several months ago and that really hasn’t helped at all.”
“Back in January our friends asked if our daughter could be in their wedding as flower girl.”
“I was thrilled about it and we of course said yes.”
Everything was fine, until…
“This was before the miscarriage.”
“Since then it became harder for me to focus on things and I admittedly was a little flakey with planning on getting together with her for flower girl practice and things like that.”
“I had a huge bout of anxiety right before their wedding and I refused to go or let my girls out of my sight.”
“My husband was in the wedding party and he wanted to take her anyway but I told him he wasn’t taking my daughter and they would have to understand.”
“She’s just a flower girl it’s not a big deal and I just couldn’t handle it.”
“The bride is furious with me now.”
“She called to scream at me and tell me how I was such a b*tch for using MY anxiety as an ‘excuse’ to not come to the wedding and keep my daughter away.”
“She accused me of wasting her time and money.”
“I told her she needed to read on mental illness and hung up on her.”
“Now everyone is mad at me.”
“My own husband agreed with her calling me a b*tch and said I was rude and inconsiderate and that I caused problems between him and the groom because of the little tantrum the bride threw.”
“I don’t owe anyone an explanation for my illness and I don’t think I’m the one at fault especially when they know how not myself I’ve been.”
“My mom agrees that they’re acting entitled (to my time and my daughter) and need to let it go.”
Having laid out the problem, OP turned to Reddit for guidance.Â
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided: YTA
Some pointed out that OP had other options available to her.
“YTA— you know you’re in the wrong, and you’re asking us for validation.”
“Your husband could’ve taken her, and you did not have to go.”
“Frankly, he’s probably also upset that she’s your daughter and not both of yours, in this case.”
“He’s also a parent and also has a vote.”
“What are you doing to combat your illness?”
“Your family is suffering, and I’m sure they want to do the work with you, but you have to also do it for yourself.”~Kitchen-Suspect-3370
Others were concerned by where she was placing this anxiety.
“YTA Your anxiety is not your fault but it is your responsibility.”
“Yours, not your child’s.”
“You’re going down a path of putting adult responsibility on a little girl and it is only going to pass on the struggles to your children.”
“Get real help if you aren’t already so you and your family can live life to the fullest”~kristen1988
And,
“This.”
“OP, you are teaching your daughter the world is a scary place and you are passing on your anxiety disorder to her.”
“You are also teaching your daughter she has to cater to your needs before her own and that she has to give up on things she might really look forward to or care about, so you can keep your sanity.”
“This might very well transfer to other relationships and you are putting her at risk for developing unhealthy relationships in the future.”
“You are telling your husband you don’t trust him with your daughter and he, as a parent, doesn’t count.”
“For the record, I did study child psychology at university and specialized in anxiety and depression.”
“I definitely have read up on mental illnesses and how mental illnesses of parents affect children.”
“Please get professional help.”
“Your daughter needs you to.”~Daisybelladonna
There was doubt whether anxiety had anything to do with it at all.
“So you seem to dislike the bride.”
“Apparently, they are your husband’s friends, not yours.”
“Were you looking for an excuse?”
“YTA” ~Single-Concern8332
Where was the apology?
“I’d like to add that even if your mental illness is that bad that makes you behave badly, the least you can do is apologize, which OP doesn’t seem to even think of.”
“You cannot have it both ways.”
“Either take the pain and act decently or apologize for being an AH and try to reduce the amount of times it affects you this bad…!”
“I have mental health issues as well and sometimes it takes a toll on me to act normal but I’ve lost so many friends when my problems started it got started because I thought just because I have issues MY FRIENDS should take the pain for me and they should be considerate, not me.”
“And well… I soon realized what an AH move it was to ask for such things as everyone has their own battles.”
“It’s not how friendships work!”~Ok_Negotiation_8145
An underlying theme was the need for OP to seek some real outside help.
“YTA.”
“There was no reason your husband couldn’t have taken her to be the flower girl since he was in the wedding.”
“Get therapy, get it now, your daughter is not your emotional support animal and you don’t want to have this kind of dependency on your kid.”~Pogue0mahone
Mental Health is an important factor of our lives and deserves respect.
Of course, the ownership falls on us to control our struggles in the ways that we can.