Many parents can’t wait for the day that their children eventually fly the coop.
Of course, over time, these same parents might one day need to move in with their grown children.
Most of the time, grown-up children do not look forward to their parents moving in with them with the same gleeful anticipation their parents had when they finally moved out.
Redditor Few_Hunter_2043’s mother lived in an assisted living home, while her adult daughter lived with her and her husband.
While the original poster (OP) visited her mother frequently, her mother was not satisfied with her situation and wanted to move into the OP’s house.
Demanding that the OP’s daughter be evicted in order to make room for her.
A demand the OP made abundantly clear to her mother that she would not cater to.
Having some doubts about the way she handled things, the OP took to the subReddit “Am I the A**hole” (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA for snapping at my mother when she asked when I would “finally” kick out my daughter?”
The OP explained why her grown-up daughter living in her house proved a major point of contention with her mother:
“I, 66 F[emale] am retired but kept very busy by caring for my mother (85 F) and my disabled husband (64 M[ale]).”
“My mother does not live with us; she lives in an assisted living facility, where I visit her every few days to check up on her and see if she needs anything.”
“During my latest visit, she brought up how I should ‘finally’ kick out my daughter (29 F, let’s call her C).”
“Now, for some context, yes, my daughter does indeed still live with me and my husband, for many factors including her rather fragile mental health, but what my mother does not understand is that, despite us being parent and child, we are not living in a parent and child kind of situation.”
“We are roommates that just happen also to be family because neither she nor my husband and I could afford places of our own in this economy.”
“We are dependent on C just as much as she is dependent on us.”
“C holds down a full-time job, which doesn’t pay great, but not awfully either.”
“She pays her fair share in rent, utilities, and groceries, does her fair share of chores, and sometimes even takes over some of my chores when she feels that I need a break.”
“I cook on weekdays when C has to work, but C has weekends off, so she takes over cooking duties then.”
“She has a savings account for emergencies, she pays for the family Netflix account, and even spends some of the fun money she has left over every month (which isn’t much) on little treats for my husband and me, no matter how often I ask her not to waste what little money she has to enjoy life on us.”
“So with all of that as background, my mother’s comments made me pretty angry because C does so much to not be a burden to my husband and me, despite me telling her that I love her and could never see her as a burden.”
“I also fear my mother may have planted that thought in her head when I wasn’t around.”
“Meanwhile, all my mother seems to do is demand, demand, demand.”
“She has nurses at her disposal in that assisted living facility and people who do grocery runs for her.”
“But she never uses these services and demands that I do everything for her instead.”
“She demands all of my time, energy, and attention.”
“I suspect she may want to push me to kick C out so she could move in with my husband and me and force me to be her full-time caretaker.”
“I was already having a sh*tty day, so I just snapped and told her that C’s living situation is none of her damn business.”
“She started crying and asked why I would yell at her for just being concerned.”
“So Reddit, AITA for snapping at my mother?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community was firmly in agreement that the OP was not the a**hole for snapping at her mother.
Everyone agreed that the OP’s mother was making antiquated and judgmental assumptions, also agreeing that the OP’s mother only wanted to move into her house for selfish reasons:
“NTA.”
“A lot of people your mother’s age have no idea how much the world truly has changed.”
“My parents were very similar to what your mother is behaving like here.”
“My mother has since passed, and my dad has opened his eyes to a ton of things.”
“It happened when my adult child went to stay with him after a hospitalization.”
“They got a lot of the, ‘when are you going to leave home’ questions, and they genuinely wanted to, so they asked my Dad to help them navigate that.”
“Double duty, it helped my Dad to have something to do and focus on getting him out of bed, and it would help the child gain independence.”
“So the job and housing hunt started.”
“At first, he was shocked at how ‘high’ starting wages were these days.”
“But then, when trying to do the math for life expenses, he quickly realized those numbers aren’t enough.”
“He used to complain about how the rising costs of things were going to make him ‘out live his pension’ but then I reminded him that he makes more than many two income households and no longer has a mortgage so if HE’S struggling to try to think about everyone else.”
“Largely eye-opening.”
“He has since stopped asking when they’re moving out and starting ranting about how there’s no way for young people to make it.”
“In your case, your mom likely isn’t going to come to that conclusion.”
“Moving forward, I would just tell her that your daughter’s living situation is not a topic of discussion bluntly and move on.”
“Or change the subject without responding.”
“Your mom is old, and in assisted living, you don’t have much time left.”
“It’s up to you to decide how you want that time to be spent.”
“That’s what I told my Mom.”
“I love you ma, and I want the time we share together to be meaningful and loving, can we please avoid topics we cannot discuss civilly?”
“I’m not changing my mind on this, and I appreciate the concern,n but I have this handled.”- Odd_Fondant_9155
“NTA.”
“Parents of any age love to judge their kids’ living and financial situations, even when they don’t have all the information.”
“The economy is in the sh*tter. I think it’s nice that your daughter is staying at home and helping you out.”
“Does your mom know about the financial situation?”
“Do you want her to know?”
“Maybe it’s time for some tough love. Lower your visitations?”
“Even if she is your mother, you don’t owe her anything.”
“Family does not have the right to ruin your peace.”- its_just_ace
“NTA.”
“It gets frustrating to run around after someone who could utilize other services but prefers you to do it.”
“And then for them a) to criticize you for helping someone else and b) not understand you get financial and emotional support from that person.”
“And c) you suspect their intent is to free more of your time for themselves.”
“Does your mother’s pay include the grocery or nursing services, or are they extra?”
“If inclusive, ask her why she is wasting your time and her money by not using services she has paid for.”
“Doing that would help you a lot more than stopping supporting your daughter even if she was dependent, which she is not. If she is concerned about your workload, she has that in her power to help but emphasize you’d still be around to see her.”
“As to your daughter, unless your mother is paying her or your bills, then it is none of her business. Just smile and say, it works fine for us at the moment, and we will reconsider if it doesn’t.”
“If she says she is worried about your daughter, just shrug and say she is fine.”
“Stonewall your mother.”- Timely_Egg_6827
“NTA but this is optional stress.”
“You don’t have to visit Shady Pines.”
“Maybe take a break if she’s not going to behave.”
“Between this economy and the burden of health issues, more people keep living with their parents. It works for some families, especially when the support goes both ways.”
“Some parents enjoy having their adult children around, and some adult children enjoy the arrangement too.”
“Many people have a narrow view of what adulthood should look like.”- paul_rudds_drag_race
“NTA at all.”
“Honestly, it sounds like your daughter is being an amazing support system and pulling her weight like any responsible adult would in a shared household.”
“The way you described it, she’s not freeloading—she’s contributing, being emotionally supportive, and even helping you out when you need it.”
“That’s not someone you “kick out, ‘that’s someone you’re lucky to have around during hard times’.”
“Your mom’s reaction seems more about control than actual concern.”
“It sucks when older relatives try to guilt-trip or manipulate situations to get what they want, especially when they already have the help and resources available but choose not to use them.”
“I’ve dealt with a family member who ignored in-home care options just to keep my mom running around constantly.”
“You’re already doing more than most, and snapping after everything you’ve got on your plate doesn’t make you an a**hole—it makes you human.”- Abject8Obectify
The OP later returned with an update, sharing what took place following another conversation with her mother:
“Yesterday, I sat with my daughter for our Easter tradition of getting together as a family and eating a big batch of my grandmother’s pickled eggs.”
“And while we ate, and made a huge mess which, if my grandma was to be believed, is essential to the eggs’ taste, I reminded C that I love her and that she will always be welcome with my husband and me.”
“She seemed a bit confused by it suddenly coming up but thanked me and told me she loved me too.”
“When I asked if she had spoken to her grandmother lately, she said no, she hadn’t spoken to my mother since my birthday.”
“Today, I drove to visit my mother again and have a talk about what happened, and it went surprisingly well.”
“I started out by apologizing for snapping at her like that.”
“Regardless of my mental state, I should not have gone on the attack like that, and I truly am sorry.”
“I sadly am the type to bottle up my feelings instead of communicating them immediately, and it’s something I know I need to work on.”
“However, I also told my mother that I am not willing to talk about C’s living situation with her, and asked her to use the facility’s services a bit more in the future instead of always relying on me because I have a life of my own and a husband who also needs me, probably more than she does, but I didn’t say that part out loud.”
“She started crying again, asking why C and I hate her so much.”
“She talked about how C never calls and only seems to acknowledge her existence when she absolutely has to, and has now also turned me against her.”
“She asked if I was really so sure that C wouldn’t eventually start ignoring me the way she is ignoring her.”
“I was getting very impatient with her again, but I was prepared for it this time, and managed to stay calm and ask her to think back to her interactions with C over the past five years and the many moments of her being rude or downright cruel to C, I even named some specific instances C has told me about, and to put herself in C’s shoes.”
“Would she want to spend any time with someone who treated her like that?”
“I felt ridiculous talking to my 85-year-old mother like she is a five-year-old child.”
“But when I told her that we love her, but at times, we do not feel particularly loved by her, it seemed to actually get through to her.”
“She stopped crying and told me that she didn’t realize that her comments hurt my daughter so badly.”
“In my mother’s defense, C, like me, has the habit of bottling up her feelings in the moment and disengaging instead of communicating unless she feels she can 100% predict the other person’s reaction, so she most likely never told my mother that these comments hurt her, and just started distancing herself.”
“My mother promised to use the facility’s services more and, in turn, asked me if we could go out and do something fun every now and then.”
“Her definition of ‘fun’ is usually going to the casino, with a very strictly enforced budget, so we’ll see about that.”
“It doesn’t sound terrible for some mother-daughter-bonding time.”
“I’m not sure how things will develop now, but I am hopeful.”
“I will tell C what her grandmother and I talked about today and see if she’s maybe willing to give her the chance to make amends.”
“I won’t push her, though.”
“Thank you again for all the helpful advice and encouragement.”
In “the circle of life”, as it were, children go from needing their parents to their parents needing them.
In the OP’s case, it seems that both her child and her mother need her.
Something the OP’s mother will hopefully grow to accept and appreciate, which will also hopefully lead her to treat C with a bit more kindness going forward.