Nothing says romance for a couple quite like sharing a suite with their mothers. That’s why moms are fixtures on honeymoons.
Sarcasm aside, that’s exactly the situation facing a couple who originally planned a romantic vacation to escape the stress of wedding planning.
One half of the couple turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Duckiedoo102 asked:
“AITA for telling our moms they can’t join our vacation?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“My fiancé and I are getting married in August. We are in the thick of wedding planning and stressed AF.”
“He travels for work and has acquired 3 free nights at any Hilton property. We booked the Waldorf Astoria in Cabo.”
“Because he is a diamond member, we were upgraded to a massive 2 bedroom villa (over 2500 sq feet). All for free.”
“My dad is a flight attendant, and so we get very cheap flights there. Basically, the entire vacation will only cost us about $500.”
“Anyway, both of our moms have asked to join. They are 60 and 70, one divorced, one widowed.”
“His mom texted him, ‘hey! If you guys want company on your trip, I am free to join! If you don’t want me to, just say no, I don’t need additional explanation’.”
“This was before we were upgraded and all we had was a king bedroom, so I actually found it odd when he told me she’d asked. Like, she’s retired and we know she would be free to join, so we would have asked.”
“My mom lives such a busy lifestyle and is going on an international trip in 2 weeks, so honestly, I was very surprised when she mentioned joining. She didn’t until I shared that we were upgraded, which I realize I should have waited to share until we were already in Mexico.”
“His mom hasn’t mentioned it again, but my mom has continued to talk about how lucky we are and how she would love to go on a trip like this. And I don’t have to say anything for her to know it’s my fiancé who doesn’t want them to join.”
“We are very close with both of them and like each other’s moms well enough. But ALL THEY DO is talk about wedding planning, and them joining would obviously change the dynamic of the trip.”
“We want to be able to have sex, swim naked, do whatever we want, and it’ll be different with our moms there.”
“Anyway, I know I shouldn’t feel bad, but I do. I feel like we are getting this opportunity of a lifetime that they’ve never had and that we owe it to them to allow them to join.”
“I also think having them there could be fun, in a different way. They’d have their own bedroom and could do their own thing.”
“But my fiancé really doesn’t want them joining and doesn’t want to hear about wedding stuff all vacation.”
“Our moms have brought up a few times how they are so jealous and we are so lucky and they wish they could join, and we sorta just laugh it off. But I feel so guilty, clearly, since I’m asking here.”
“Very curious to hear other’s thoughts.”
“Are my fiancé and I a**holes for saying no?”
The OP later added:
“This is NOT our honeymoon. We are going to Cabo this week.”
“It’s just a random vacation to use up free Hilton nights that will be expiring soon. We will still have a proper honeymoon after our wedding.”
“I think part of me feels bad because they are great moms, they are fun and we all have a great time together. They are also each contributing financially quite heavily to our wedding.”
“I feel some kind of obligation. It’s also a random vacation we only just planned in the last 2 weeks.”
“I’m lucky to have had countless wonderful vacations growing up with my mom and family. My parents really prioritized experiences and for that I am so grateful.”
“I don’t think I would regret not having them join us. I think because it’s Mexico (they’ve both been) and only 3 days, that it’s not THAT monumental.”
“I think if it was something very exotic and truly once in a lifetime, it would be different.”
“My mom is not lacking in the vacation department. She’s going to Nepal in a few weeks, she went to Norway last summer for several weeks, she is always traveling and making memories with friends and family.”
“I got to go to New Zealand with just her alone for 2 weeks a few years ago and we both cherished that trip so much. So in the grand scheme of life, I don’t think this is the trip where I’ll say, ‘damn, I really wish we had our moms there.”
The OP summed up their situation.
“I told our moms they can’t join our vacation. They do so much for us, literally gave birth to us. I feel an obligation.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
“You are NTA for saying ‘No’, but how did your mothers come to know about this trip? How did they come to know that you would have a large accommodation?”
“You have to learn to keep your business to yourselves.” ~ EmceeSuzy
“No, are you kidding? Maybe some families are awful like this but I would crow every last detail of my good luck to my mother because she understands boundaries and would never try to invite herself along.”
“It sounds like this behavior from OP’s mother and FMIL is new, and in the future means they go on an information diet because of it, but without that history the OP didn’t bring anything on themselves.” ~ intentionalgibberish
“I think this is an opportunity for you to get closer with your fiance and that you want to be alone with him and he is the one you are building a life with, not your mothers.” ~ Spiritual_Control673
“As well as an opportunity to set boundaries now. Which you will need moving forward with mothers who try to invite themselves in a couples’ vacation. Especially if there will be future children involved.” ~ Educational-Mix152
“This part needs more attention! It really is a good practice round, to start setting expectations with them.”
“It will help you practice standing strong with your fiancé, to practice believing that you deserve nice things for yourselves, to figure out how much detail they actually need to know about your lives, and to demonstrate that their subtle hints and guilt tripping will not make you cave to their wishes.”
“These life skills will serve you very well in the future! And it sounds like they will also be instrumental in keeping a healthy marriage.” ~ Whole_Bug_2960
“NTA. Stop phrasing this like a vacation and start calling it a pre-honeymoon.”
“Tell them that while you love them both dearly, and would love to plan a proper vacation that can accommodate everyone, this trip is going to be a mini pre-honeymoon and you two intend to do what newly married people do.”
“Your mothers are seeing this as a trip, not a romantic getaway. I could see why they would want to join a random vacation, so stop calling it that and lay down a boundary.” ~ Discount_Mithral
“‘We appreciate that you want to come, but this trip is for the two of us to disconnect from daily life and reconnect as a couple. We really need this time to ourselves. I know you can understand!’.”
“And in the future, be REALLY careful about sharing vacation info. My FIL has done this—tried to invite himself along on trips.”
“As such, we’re pretty tight-lipped about our plans until they get REALLY close. Luckily FIL is relatively busy so if he were to find out a week or so ahead we’re going somewhere, he couldn’t go anyhow.” ~ Fresh_Caramel8148
“Yup, my family invites themselves on big trips that we plan. We’ve learned not to share details until it’s past the point where they can ask to tag along. We keep it really vague and tight.”
“If this were our trip we’d say ‘we’re thinking of cashing in some Hilton points but we haven’t settled on location or dates yet.’ ‘We’re still trying to nail things down. Maybe Caribbean? Or somewhere near?’ ‘We’re pretty excited to get away for some couples time—did you and dad ever take any fun trips just the two of you?’.” ~ vegasnative
“NTA. Just keep laughing it off and mentioning how awkward it would be to have them along on your private romantic getaway.” ~ One-PhotographyZ-120
“NTA. You have every right to do things as a couple without your parents. That would be normal adult behavior.”
“When your parents are unable to allow you to live your own life without them there it’s called enmeshment. It’s not healthy for anyone involved.”
“My brother, his wife, and their daughter traveled to France and Italy last year (we’re American). My mother ‘couldn’t stand the thought of them being all the way over there alone’.”
“So she and my stepfather went with them on their European vacation. That’s enmeshment and it’s unhealthy.”
“I have three adult children, all of whom are in long term relationships. We’ve gone places as a family, but we all also do things with just our spouse or spouse and kids. That’s healthy.”
“Maybe suggest your mother and his mother go on a trip together.” ~ squirrell1974
As some pointed out, now might be a good time to set some boundaries.
There will be times in the future when the OP and their future husband will want to be alone. Being able to make that decision, without guilt, is a good skill to have.