Not all neighbors are meant to be friends.
Mainly because a lot of neighbors can be unfriendly.
Warring with a neighbor can be very stressful.
Unless somebody moves, people are trapped.
Is there a solution to wars with a neighbor?
Redditor RecentFlatworm1557 wanted to discuss their experience and get some feedback, so naturally, they came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
They asked:
"AITA, asked the neighbor to move their 'little farm stand' because people are stealing from MY garden?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"Before anyone says 'just build a fence,' WE CAN'T AFFORD IT RIGHT NOW."
"And no, no H[ome] O[wner] A[ssociation]."
"My neighbor set up one of those pantries/farm stands where people can take items that they grew in their garden, pantry stuff, donated stuff, etc."
"In theory, it's a great idea and especially in a time when life in America sucks a** and people are struggling to make ends meet (my family included)."
"The problem: people started coming into MY yard to pick things in MY garden."
"I've put up signs saying not to do it."
"I installed a rabbit fence around the garden."
"I've angled a tarp so you can't see what's there from the road."
"People just hold their kids over the fence to pick tomatoes and beans, or jump over it."
"I ended up getting into an argument with a lady over it."
"I yelled HEY, STOP. THOSE ARE NOT FOR YOU TO TAKE!"
"She told her kid to move faster and then tried to run away."
"I caught up to her and asked her what the f**k her problem was, and she turned it into how dare I swear in front of her child."
"Why am I so angry?"
"Am I really that upset about a couple of tomatoes?"
"I said I am upset that you are STEALING from me."
"The next day, I approached my neighbor. I asked if I could maybe help move it to the other side of their driveway so it's next to the other neighbor's house."
"They don't have a garden out front."
"They said at least not until the end of the season."
"I asked if they could make larger signs, talk to people, just do SOMETHING!"
"They were like, 'can you really not afford to share?'"
"I said that they aren't taking my zucchini because they're starving, they're taking my tomatoes because they WANT them."
"They said that I'm going to have to learn to live with it for now, and we can talk about a solution together that will benefit the whole community after."
"I said I do not care about a solution that benefits the whole community."
"I care about a solution that stops people from STEALING FROM ME!"
"So last night it happened again, a man in his 50s."
"I sprayed his a** with the hose."
"He started yelling at me, and after a minute or so, the neighbor came out yelling at me too."
"People have posted on the neighborhood board to be careful if they come by because I'm an a**hole."
'The neighbor says I'm scaring people away from a community resource."
"I told him that I'm going to continue until he does something about the f**king thieves who feel entitled to MY GARDEN."
"I feel like I'm losing my f**king mind here."
"This is food for my family."
The OP was left to wonder:
"Am I the a**hole for asking them to move it? Am I the a**hole for being PISSED OFF that people are f**king STEALING from me?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
"Can you replace your stolen items from the farm stand?"
"Each time someone takes from your garden, you take from the garden stand." ~ General_Middle7334
"Take everything from the farm stand and give it to a local food pantry."
"No one will stop for an empty stand."
"Not stealing if it's on offer."
"And post your own reply on the neighborhood board." ~ middle-name-is-sassy
"NTA. They are literally volunteering your garden as the community veggie resource."
"That's why it's next to your garden."
"It is incredibly inappropriate." ~ HyperKangaroo
"That's my thought, too."
"They don't want to move it and aren't even entertaining ideas until 'after.'"
"And even then, it's about the community and not OP."
"I'd have a surveyor out and, if the stand's even a little on OP's property, move or tear it down myself." ~ Beebeemp
"That's why the expectation is that you come up with a solution that's best for the community."
"They've already decided the answer, and you're expected to be ok with it."
"Honestly, I would just run my mower over the garden at this point."
"Why should I put in all that work and look forward to the veggies being ready for dinner that night, only to find out that someone else took them?"
"F**k that." ~ JeepPilot
"They are already calling you an AH."
"By the way, you are NTA."
"Call the city/county/town council, whoever, to see if they have permission for the stand or if it violates ordinances."
"If so, have it shut down."
"If not, maybe a sloppy compost heap/manure pile along the fence to make mowing your yard a difficult or at least smelly task." ~ ProfessorExcellence
"Take all the food off the stand first thing after it is put out and donate it to a food kitchen."
"If the stand is empty, people will be less likely to stop and notice your garden."
"The neighbor may also decide it is a good idea to move the stand away from you." ~ UleeBunny
"You know, I also have a food pantry stand on my property as well as a 'mini lending library.'"
"It would never occur to me to leave my stand open if I knew my neighbors were being robbed or otherwise inconvenienced."
"Your neighbor is at fault, and if he doesn't move his stand, I suggest you do so or call the police the next time people steal from your property." ~ Traditional-Ad-1605
"OP needs to pull out their phone and record people as they steal and ask them... 'Why are you stealing my tomatoes?'"
"'Why are you stealing my zucchini?'"
"'This is not part of the food stand, and the signs say not to trespass.'"
"Then file a complaint with the sheriff or police."
"I recommend that they use the word steal and the word trespass so that the thieves can't claim that they didn't know it was stealing and trespassing." ~ BlazingSunflowerland
"NTA. Side eye to your neighbor who is basically encouraging eloping to steal from you."
"And even MORE side-eye to the woman acting outraged that you dared to curse in front of her child while she was USING HER CHILD TO STEAL!"
"You might try a camera and posting photos to a Wall of Shame."
"People seeing face and license plate pics might deter some." ~ MarionberryPlus8474
"Hose your neighbor, too. NTA." ~ Specific-Morning-985
"Call the cops and have people arrested for trespass, that's your best bet probably."
"Call the non-emergency line and tell them people routinely steal from your garden."
"They can probably spare a trooper at least some of the time."
"Repeat the call every couple of weeks if they don't help right away." ~ Key-Thing1813
"NTA. But I do recommend that as soon as you can afford it, build a fence."
"I know you said you can't now, but that is the best step you can make to keep people out of your garden."
"In the meantime, be as aggressive as you need to be with the hose."
"And if anyone trashes you in a neighborhood chat, fire back that you didn't sign up for making your garden part of this community garden thing."
"Add that perhaps when your garden produces more than you need, you'd be happy to share, but right now, thieves are preventing you from even getting the produce you need yourself." ~ imnvs_runvs
"NTA. Your neighbor's whole attitude shows they feel you should be sharing your garden with the community, regardless of how you feel."
"That is wrong."
"No one is entitled to your hard work."
"They are impacting your property and don't care."
"I would report them to the police and the town that they are causing a nuisance, trespassing, and theft."
"I'd put up chicken wire and ridiculously large signs calling out the theft."
"Also, spray your neighbor with the hose." ~ garnetflame
"NTA. They're trespassing and stealing from you."
"You could press charges since there are already signs and fencing set up that they're blatantly ignoring."
"Just because the McDonald's on one side of the lot is giving away fries on Friday, doesn't mean I can just steal fries from the Burger King 60 feet away lol."
"Yes, my fat a** really just made that comparison." ~ REDDIT
"NTA. Go over every morning and take everything from the stand."
"She how she likes that."
"Ohhhhhh and every mom that's there is getting called every name in the book in front of her kid." ~ Silly_Tangerine1914
OP came back with an update...
"First off, thanks for the responses."
"I got some good ones."
"I'm happy that so many of you live in places where the cops would do anything about this, but this isn't the reality I'm living in."
"Cops here would not give a s**t if I sent them a video of someone picking from my garden."
"They would laugh in my face."
"Be thankful if you live in a place where the police are useful."
"It looks like signs are the best option for now."
"Going to make signs indicating heavy use of pesticides and repeating that they are stealing food from the mouths of hungry children. "
"I don't know why the signs we already have up aren't enough."
"Maybe more will help."
"I'm sure they won't."
"Will also scour Craigslist for free fencing or similar items."
"Hopefully that pans out."
Reddit understands your frustration, OP.
This is outrageous behavior.
It's sad that your neighbor refuses to help, especially since they put you in this position.
Hopefully, more signs and fencing will help.
Until then... keep that hose handy and spray away.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp