Lying is a choice some people make.
Breaking cultural taboos is also a choice some people make.
But who is responsible for those choices? The person who made them or everyone around them?
A man turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback after being told he needed to cover for his roommate's choices.
Winston_Duarte asked:
"WIBTA for not leaving the house for one weekend as requested?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"I need an outsider's perspective on this. I try to be understanding, but I am fuming. I think someone who is not living in this apartment would have a more neutral view on this."
"The situation: We live in a 3-bedroom apartment with 3 parties. We are all students and pay equal amounts of rent, and each has an individual lease. I am Winston, and the other two are Josh and Sara."
"I moved in last year, they have lived here for 3 years."
"Josh spends half his week and most weekends at his girlfriend's place. He's mostly out of the picture. That just leaves Sara and me."
"For me I see this as a living arrangement, because it is. I am friendly with everyone, but I keep some distance. I usually spend my days in the library, lectures, or at home gaming. Door is usually open unless I play with friends or have my girlfriend over."
"So yesterday Sara approached me with a request, but it felt more like a demand. Her brothers are coming to visit, Friday-Sunday. Her family does not know she is living with two guys."
"She is coming from a Muslim family who might see this as a big deal. She wants to keep it a secret. She is asking me to leave the apartment next weekend and move all my toiletries into my locked room."
"The problem for my side is simple: I do not have a place to go. I am not asking my girlfriend to spend the weekend at her place. She is visiting her family this week and won't be back until next week."
"We are not at the stage of the relationship where this is something reasonable to ask. If the roles were reversed, I would probably say yes, but feel very awkward about this."
"So... I told Sara that. Where am I supposed to stay? Sleep in the library? She kinda dismissively turned around and told me 'That is your problem to solve'. That attitude right there pissed me off beyond words."
"I am in a pickle. On one hand, I am livid. I want to tell her to mind her own business and just deal with the fact that she has male roommates. But Josh—who is closer with Sara and agreed already to spend the time away—reminded me to have an open mind about her situation."
"I do not feel like spending €150-€200—money that I do not have—on a hotel when I am paying rent. But Sara already told me that she expects me to solve it by myself. I did ask her if she'd pay for a hotel."
"She said flat out no. Looking a bit annoying and offended by the suggestion. She won't pay for a hotel. Which leads me to the question..."
"WIBTA if I tell Sara to just suck it?"
The OP later added:
"On a different note, with this happening I am already starting to look for a new apartment. This is not the first unreasonable request, but the previous ones were tiny in comparison."
"Like asking me to please store my toothbrush in my room because she does not like neon-yellow as a colour. Gives her a headache every morning. I ended up buying a new toothbrush early to placate her."
The OP summed up why they might be the a**hole in their situation.
"I am considering not leaving the apartment and spending my weekend gaming at home. I am knowingly ignoring her family situation."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - more information needed
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"NTA. It's actually Sara's problem to solve. She's the one who created it by lying to her family." ~ canvasshoes2
"Not only by lying to her family, but also by inviting her brothers for a weekend without checking if her roommates can actually leave. She could have asked OP and Josh and found a weekend when her plan was actually doable." ~ dontcareboutaname
"It's quite possible the family has already got wind of the fact that she's not in an all-female house and the brothers invited themselves and she feels she can't put them off."
"It's still very much her problem, though, and she sounds truly insufferable." ~ Motor-Class-8686
"I probably would accommodate her if she asked nicely and offered to pay for a hotel, but that didn't happen here."
"Since Sara is not willing or able to pay for a hotel, the only way for her to solve her problem is by telling her brother that they can't stay at the apartment. I would think that in the same way she's not supposed to live with guys, her supposed 'female' roommates would not want males they were not related to staying in their apartment, so their roommate's brothers are not welcome to stay there."
"Then they can stay at a hotel." ~ vegasbywayofLA
"I've known people like Sara. She wants the thrills and the clout with her friends of being a rebel, but with zero consequences."
"She could have female roommates, but she chose to live with men. She could have told the truth, but she chose to lie. And now she wants everyone else to cover for her so she can maintain her fake, lying relationship with her family. That's a Sara problem to solve. NTA." ~ MohawMais
The OP provided several updates, beginning with:
"Thank you for the replies and some DMs I have received. I have decided on a plan of action. I will tell her no."
"I will tell her that I do not have the money to pay for a hotel, that I do not have a place I can simply crash on. I will also have Josh sit in. I have posted a message in the group chat, effectively calling for a meeting tonight."
"I will explain my situation calmly and why I do not intend to leave on my own dime. I am happy to play a role in the family visit. To actively show that I have no personal ties with Sara by minding my own business. I like the petty ideas, but I am not the type of person to pour gas onto the fire."
"Furthermore, I have put out feelers to look for a new apartment with some friends from university. One friend is looking to move out of his parents' place, and we get along fine gaming."
"I think this is the point at which the drama is getting too expensive on my mind. So a clean cut is the best option."
OP later added:
"This has taken a sour turn. I requested the sit-down. Sara took this as a 'No' on my part and texted a long rant on WhatsApp. To simplify it and translate it to you from German: 'I am not going to let you ruin my relationship with my family. If you do not want to leave, you can pay for the hotel, and I expect you to move out by the end of January."
"She does not have the power to force me out. Lease contracts are quite clear on that matter in Germany."
"The cherry on top: Josh just posted a Thumbs up on her rant."
"I think in their eyes, I am indeed the problem roommate. And I think it stems from me having different expectations from a shared apartment."
"In my opinion, my obligations to the apartment are being friendly and obeying the rules. Like cleaning dishes immediately and cleaning up after myself in the bathroom and kitchen. As well as doing the weekly cleaning on time."
"What I do not want to do is participate in activities I do not enjoy. That has been a source of friction, in particular between Sara and myself."
"To give you context, I study biochemistry and spend a lot of time at the library. The exams at my university are tough, so if you want that top grade, you need to study. A lot. My regular day looks like this: Lectures in the morning, library in the afternoon, and three days a week I work at a bar."
"When I get home I am usually quite exhausted and want to either spend time with my girlfriend, get into bed, or meet up with my friends in the city or online. Josh and Sara on the other hand spend their free time preferably as a group in the apartment—Sara, Josh and Josh's girlfriend."
"They play board games, watch movies, gossip and so on. I did join a few times in the beginning but the type of gossip was just... draining. Who slept with whom of people I did not know, or what kind of backstabbery is happening in their extended friend groups. I do not enjoy drama. Not as a movie, not IRL. So I choose to keep my distance a bit."
"Still participating in the chores and doing my share. But there has been a passive-aggressive tone for a while, ever since my joining went from several times a week to maybe once a month. Not abruptly, but gradually."
"It is my opinion that Sara enjoys DRAMA. He really enjoys it. And that might be why this is now boiling over so violently (metaphorically speaking)."
"Sooo, I also got a few things moving. I contacted the landlord about my lease. I asked him for his permission to use him as an emergency contact in case Sara tries something funny like changing the locks on me."
"He flat-out told me to call him first if that happens because then he will call the police. We have a shared lease. We are each listed as tenants, and he needs to approve changes to the lease."
"So I am currently on the bus with my most important documents, and I am storing them at my girlfriend's place. I explained the situation, and she gave me permission to store some of my things."
"But she also said her roommate would not appreciate a guy suddenly sleeping over when she herself is not there."
"I am worried about what else is to come. But I am following the suggestion and precautions texted here and in DMs. I am preparing for a storm."
Two days later, OP added:
"Yesterday evening, I went on the offensive. The drama unfolded quite predictably. The advice from the comments here was very helpful on what to brace for."
"I told Sara no. I told her that even if I wanted to, I do not have the money for a hotel, and since I am paying rent and do not have an alternative, I will stay.
"Sara was upset. She yelled at me how selfish I am being. Demanded again that I move out by the end of the month."
"I responded that I will not do that. I would start looking for an apartment, as I, too, am sick of the situation here. But I will use the time I legally have to look for a new apartment."
"This turned into a circular argument that this is not about legal BS but a matter of principle. In the end, I made my point clear. I will move out eventually."
"But I also made it clear that I would take my utilities, like the coffeemaker I bought and everyone is using, and a greater jab: The washing machine is mine. Theirs broke down a while before I moved in. I bought one for my previous apartment and was happy to bring it."
"Did not expect anyone to pay shares and put it in as community usage. This sparked another screaming match. Josh even tried to argue that, as it is now communal property, I waived ownership, which is BS."
"Details to that part are not important. Just more of the same followed for almost an hour."
"Point is. My important documents are secure at my girlfriend's place. The landlord is in the picture, and I will update him later today."
"I also documented the state of my property this morning. Still got the Amazon and electronic-store receipts just in case for their community property claim."
"However, taking some notes from the more petty advice, I will move the coffee maker to my girlfriend's place today. She loves this coffeemaker, and I figure I'd rather make her happy than my roommates."
OP concluded with:
"I moved the coffeemaker yesterday. This morning, in retaliation, I received a charge on our shared expenses app. 12€ for coffee with an attachment of a Starbucks receipt from Sara."
"We use an app to track shared expenses. It gives you the options to assign charges and input deductions to those charges."
"This morning, Sara added one expense assigned to me. 'Coffee'. My response, again following some petty advice: I assigned a €12 deduction to her titled 'Konsequenzen-Steuer'—roughly translated into 'Consequence-tax'."
The OP's living situation isn't ideal at the moment, but they've at least mapped out a path forward.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp