No matter how hard they might try, all parents are going to make mistakes along the way while raising their children.
Some of those mistakes might be a little silly or embarrassing, and others might be serious enough that they feel the need to apologize to their child or even ponder if their child will need therapy.
No matter the size of the mistake, however, a parent should never use their other children or grandchildren as an attempt at a ‘do-over’ for their earlier parenting mistakes, cautioned the members of the “Am I Overreacting?” (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor realsmartfakeblonde was very early in her pregnancy with her first child, and she was already weirded out by her mother-in-law’s future plans of involvement in her grandchild’s life.
But when she discovered that this was only important to her mother-in-law because she wanted to have a ‘do-over’ on her bad parenting, the Original Poster (OP) knew she needed to create distance between them immediately.
She asked the sub:
“Am I overreacting for wanting to set boundaries for my mother-in-law and my newborn?”
The OP received a pretty unhinged message from her mother-in-law.
“My mother-in-law checked in about my upcoming OB-GYN appointment and then sent me this message:”
“‘I would love to be on baby duty when they are born. Kinda redeem myself for being a not-so-good mom, like a do-over in life.'”
The OP had no intention of involving her mother-in-law in raising her future child.
“For context, my mother-in-law is kind of a s**tty person. All three of her children consider her to be a narcissist.”
“She has a 32-year-old, 28-year-old, and a 19-year-old, and she already has a six-year-old and four-year-old grandchild from my 32-year-old sibling, both of whom she doesn’t pay attention to.”
“My 19-year-old sibling still lives at home with her called me crying just two nights ago to vent for two whole hours about how she treats them. She is not trying to be a better mom at all. What she wanted me to say was, ‘Aww, nooo, you’re not a bad mom!’ But she is, and I’m not going to appease her.”
“She’s not the type of person I would ever allow around my kid unsupervised.”
“She has no friends and is hardly in contact with any of her family. She burns bridges everywhere she goes.”
“I’m only six weeks and four days pregnant, but my husband and I have already talked about limiting their time with our child, and definitely no alone time due to other concerning behaviors in the past.”
“Frankly, I don’t want her help. I have my own wonderful mother, wonderful father, sister-in-law, and friends. I could live a wonderful life without an ounce of my mother-in-law’s ‘help.’
The OP contemplated how to respond to the text message.
“But what the h**l do I even say to this? I’m thinking…”
“‘Since postpartum is a medically and emotionally vulnerable time, we’re planning on a lot of privacy and bonding time so I can establish a breastfeeding supply and so we can recover and settle in as a family. We’ll be sure to reach out to our village when we need a hand.'”
“AIO?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NOR: Not Overreacting
- YOR: You’re Overreacting
Some found the OP’s reaction to the text message to be totally valid.
“Your child is not her ‘do-over’! That’s crazy. I’m shocked she actually typed that out and sent it.” – Timely-Reception-689
“Sadly, this is a normalized reason to have kids. How many of us have heard, ‘I want to have kids so I can relive a better childhood through them’?”
“It might sound wholesome, but it’s absolutely not. This is basically the same sentiment; some parents want a ‘do-over’ of their lives through their kids.”
“Living vicariously or trying to ‘heal’ the issues your parents saddled you with during childhood years, through your kids, is unfair to those kids. They are their own selves and deserve to be treated well for the simple fact you created and brought them to the world.” – mashibeans
“NOR. The ‘do-over’ part is the problem. Because these parents don’t want a separate autonomous human being with their own goals and ambitions in life. They want to turn their child into a mini-me.”
“When they expect their child to do the things they wanted to do, and like the things they like, they end up in constant conflict when their child isn’t like them.”
“That doesn’t make them a better parent or give their child a better life.” – Autumn_Falls0131
“Narcs gonna narc, and honestly, a lot of the time they are surprisingly blatant about it. Not always, sure: a lot of the time they’re intentionally manipulative, forever trying to score an edge in their pointless games.”
“But it’s surprising how revealing and upfront they can be, if only we can really hear it.”
“Part of the problem is that people often refuse to hear what they’re revealing. We tend to recoil from the idea that people can really be like that, so we make excuses, reinterpret, and wonder if we’re overreacting.”
“We try to tell ourselves a different story, basically. ‘Only a monster would say that and mean it; this is a human being in front of me, not a monster, therefore…’ and the brain just freezes up.”
“It’s easier to believe that you misunderstood than that they really f**king meant it.”
“Not until you’ve been through the wringer with them does it finally land. ‘Holyyyy s**t. They DID tell me.'”
“Anyway, OP, if you let this woman have any unsupervised time with this baby AT ALL, you will live to regret it. Best case, she treats your defenseless infant with the same level of abuse and neglect she’s subjected everyone in her life to. Worst case, she abducts your baby!”
“She is telling you what she is. Believe her!” – DifferentTie8715
Others agreed and recommended how to improve her response.
“Definitely NOR, but honestly, that’s a lot of words for a narc, and she probably won’t take it well.”
“My mother is a narc and would lose it at this message. I honestly would leave it at something like, ‘Thanks. We’ll let you know if we need something.'”
“Also, you’re very brave to tell her you are pregnant at 6 weeks. A word of caution, I would keep her on a strict information diet for the rest of your pregnancy. She’s gonna drive you nuts if she knows when all of your appointments are. Speaking from experience!” – midwesternn
“‘Thanks. We’ll let you know if we need something’ is the best thing to say.”
“OP, you are NOR, but your reply is written so coldly and professionally that it is 100% sure to spark off a lot of unnecessary drama that will only cause YOU more problems. Keep it short and simple.” – hahagato
“Too many words. She’ll hear what she wants to hear. Just say, ‘Thank you for your offer. We’ll let you know if we need anything.'”
“Mind you, the snark in me wants to say, ‘My child is not your opportunity for a do-over. You messed up your kid, I’m not letting you mess up mine…’ But that’s a one-way trip to chaos.” – Aussiealterego
“Let her know you will let her know if a need arises. And then just never ask her. It’s everlasting limbo. If she pushes it, be the broken record and change the subject.” – Smooth-Nose-2969
“Most of these comments are giving way too much info and way too many excuses. Don’t justify, explain, or defend your reasons. Just keep it short and simple.” – CyanCitrine
A few also recommended starting an information diet, effective immediately.
“Why did you tell her when you’re only six weeks pregnant?! It sounds like you need to communicate less with her; she’s crazy.” – Emergency_Bench_7515
“H**l, my mother tried showing up to my daughter’s EEG the other week. Kiddo is six, lives with my ex during the week (two to three hours away), and my wife and I both agreed IN FRONT OF MY MOTHER that there was no reason to attend; my ex would tell us what the results were.”
“I still had to find out from my Ex that Mom was planning this, and ask her verbatim to not attend.”
“I’ve never considered her to be a narc, but I’m beginning to second-guess that.”
“Definitely NOR, OP, and definitely keep having discussions with your partner about boundaries with extended family.” – TyreLeLoup
“NOR, but you’re only six weeks. You’ve told people you’re pregnant months before many people do because there’s so much that can go wrong. That said…you CAN use that to your advantage to say that it’s still too early for anyone to be making plans.”
“From there, your husband needs to handle his mother, not you. What she said is wildly inappropriate and above your pay grade. Her son needs to address that thinking moving forward.” – MuppetBonesMD
“NOR, but this is not the person you want to have any kind of information. Six weeks is way, way too early for her to have this info. Limit what you tell her in basically every situation.”
“Tell her, ‘Thanks for thinking of us, but we’re okay.'”
“Additional details or words to try to be kind are not your friend. Keep it very short, don’t give polite excuses, and don’t feel like you have to explain or argue.” – GnomieOk4136
“Make sure you’re explicit to her about when and how you plan on announcing the pregnancy!”
“My mother announced my first one (a pregnancy she was p**sed about because it was unplanned, which makes it funnier in retrospect) on Facebook for the likes, gushing about how she was so excited to be a grandmother again.”
“It was immediately after we got the positive pregnancy test, so EARLY early, and she played the victim when we were upset because we ‘hadn’t told her she couldn’t announce it.'” – UnrulyPoet
The subreddit could not help but cringe at how the OP’s mother-in-law was already behaving so early in the OP’s pregnancy and already trying to plan her place in the baby’s life.
The worst part was that the mother-in-law was not viewing this baby as their own person or for the relationship she might have with them in the future. More so, she was using the baby as proof of her parenting abilities, which wouldn’t do anyone any good.