Facing the impending death of a loved one is a traumatic experience.
There are tons and tons of things to say and do.
And there will never be enough time left.
Some of the more difficult parts are the business aspects.
Who is getting what in the will and why?
The answers to that question can stir up quite a bit of controversy.
Redditor Slight-Book5066 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback. So naturally, she came to visit the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
"AITA For telling my half-sister she doesn't deserve my mom's necklace?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"Hello everyone, I'm coming on Reddit to seek advice because I think I'm in the wrong."
"I am 21 F[emale] and have two full siblings: Michael, 23 M[ale], and Damien, 25 M. We have a half-sister, Elsie, 18 F, who is the result of an affair.
"Our mother 50 M is unfortunately terminally ill, the doctors have told us she doesn't have much time left."
"She called us all in to talk about her will and what we would each be getting."
"My mother was a banker and amassed quite the portfolio."
"Shortly after Elise was born, her mother wasn't very active in her life, leaving her to move in with us and live with us."
"I could always tell Mom held some sort of resentment toward her."
"My mom wasn't strong enough to leave after the affair, and she regrets it every day."
"Mom raised Elsie like her own for so long, but all Elsie could do was be snarky towards her and always say 'But you're not my real Mom.'"
"Of course, she'd only say that when mom was trying to discipline her."
"But as soon as she needed something expensive, she'd be as sweet as sugar towards mom."
"I avoided Elsie growing up because I always felt like she ruined our picture-perfect family."
"Back to the day this happened, Mom was reading out her will on her bed, and my Mother owns a beautiful emerald necklace; a family heirloom."
"She looks directly at Elsie and tells her she can keep it."
"I started crying immediately, it doesn't even make sense she's not entirely part of our family, she and Mom share NO blood."
"I began to scream and yell at Elsie, I told her I wished she never walked into our lives, and that she should just leave because no one wanted her here."
"Damien tried to calm me down and reminded me that we were in a hospital."
"Michael left the room with Elsie to avoid escalation."
"I saw Mom crying and it kind of hurt but she hurt me worse."
"I grabbed my bag and left."
"It's been 3 days and I've gotten non-stop messages from extended family saying I hurt my Mom and she didn't mean any harm."
The OP was left to wonder:
"AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP WAS the A**hole.
"Yes, YTA, massively."
"Whether or not she gets that necklace isn't your decision to make."
"Back off." ~ raznov1
"Very reluctantly saying YTA because honestly, how else were you supposed to react????"
"I mean, what in the world is your mother thinking leaving a FAMILY heirloom to her husband's oops baby???"
"I'd be mad as hell too."
"Even if she raised her as 'her own' at best Elise should get a small monetary amount compared to you and your brothers."
"I'm sorry that this is the decision your mother has come to and that you now have to deal with this (and probably alone at that)."
"I don't know if it's possible for her to change her mind or even have the time to change her will at this point."
"Seems like even trying to have that conversation with your mom would just cause more stress on her and she's already ill."
"This is a mess all around." ~ Electronic_Sun4582
"It's your mom's stuff."
"It doesn't matter where it came from."
"She can do with it what she wants."
"Your unreasonable response to your mom explaining her will can be understood because of the circumstances, but your irrational response at the moment tells us YTA."
"Throw your next tantrum outside the presence of your dying mom."
"It makes her sad that she didn't do a better job helping you become a good adult." ~ agogKiwi
"How else was she supposed to react?"
"I don't know, like a sane adult instead of an overgrown toddler having a tantrum at a dying woman about jewelry?"
"OP can be angry and sad without blowing up next to her mother's deathbed. YTA."
"Also, it's incredibly shi**y of OP to blame her sister, when it's her mother's decision to leave the necklace and an inheritance to Elsie."
"And I don't buy the story of how her mother was perfect and the sister horrible, but the mother for some reason not only left her money, but also an heirloom."
"More likely, the mother treated the affair child badly and now is trying to buy forgiveness."
"Or, their relationship was difficult, but they bonded anyway." ~ Infinite_Slide_5921
"Also blaming the oops baby for ruining the family, her dad ruined her family, go yell at his grave instead of traumatizing your sister further OP. YTA." ~ cadrina
"I wouldn't be reluctant to say YTA."
"Yes, it's a family heirloom, but her mother is dying."
"What a terrible thing for her to do to her mother on her deathbed."
"At 21 years old."
"And I'm not saying OP can't be upset by any means, but screaming in a hospital and acting like that was terrible."
"OP, your mom is probably trying to make amends for being terrible to your half-sister (which you admit she didn't treat her well)."
"Your sister didn't ask to be born out of an affair."
"Your dad ruined your picture-perfect family, not your sister." ~ RoughCow854
"Mom is realizing that Elise won't have anyone after she's gone."
"That child isn't responsible for the affair."
"She was treated like a leper for most of her life."
"I see the necklace as a peace offering."
"OP reacted poorly."
"She's old enough to understand that her half-sister isn't responsible for the affair, yet still blames her anyway."
"That's not right."
"OP, YTA! These are your mom's dying wishes."
"Put on your big girl pants and deal with it."
"Go apologize to both your mom and your Elise." ~ Turbulent_Cow2355
"YTA. It's your mother's decision."
"Did she ever SAY that she resented Elsie, or is that just your perception? - as clearly your mother does see Elsie as part of the family."
"Elsie probably sees your mother as her own too under the circumstances, the 'you're not my mom' kickbacks will be a natural teenager response to being told 'No' - if you think about it, you probably said rotten things as a teenager too."
"I'm sorry for your impending loss, unfortunately, you are being the cause of conflict/drama here and I strongly recommend you make peace with your family and apologize to your mother before it's too late." ~ TeenySod
"YTA. Sympathy for this awful time losing your mum."
"I am sorry to be harsh your mother is dying."
"Please try to be kind to her until then?"
"It is very hard to keep things together when losing a loved one, so even though YTA for not seeing her she sounds understanding."
"Things will get better."
"Maybe getting some counseling about how this is blown up in your mind to her dying would hurt her less than you seeing kindness towards your sister."
"Have you blamed the affair for your mum's reserve, thinking you could detect resentment, then discovered your mum did not resent her?"
"This really sounds like you are hurting."
"It is not your sister's fault she was born, but her whole life she has had to face things like you being upset with her for something neither of you had any say in."
"You are both in a position you did not choose."
"Ordinary rebellion is ordinary- she had a variation on my wishing out loud I was adopted (but only when my parents were strict)."
"Maybe try to understand the picture-perfect family is the one that does not judge people for things they cannot help." ~ SoIFeltDizzy
"YTA... you didn't even try and understand the situation you just immediately blew up."
"You're half-sibling is young and teens say anything they can to hurt someone when they're being hurt I used to say you're not even really my aunt to one of my family members because she wasn't technically married into the family, but I never really meant it."
"If you avoided her there could be things you didn't see and she could care more than you think." ~ REDDIT
"YTA... it's your mother's choice to give it to whoever she wants."
"If the necklace is so important, did you ask your mother why she gave it to Elsie?"
"She has reasons for choices and it's not right for you to have a temper tantrum over it." ~ Extension_Accident47
"YTA. I'm sorry about your mom, but you're acting like a spoiled brat over a necklace."
"Elsie didn't ruin anything."
"Your father is the one that screwed up."
"Stop taking it out in Elsie." ~ Similar_Pineapple418
"YTA. If this is your version of the story, I really don't want to learn how much of an a**hole you would seem like if we read her version." ~ heafanheafanheafanhm
OP came back with a few Updates...
"Hi all, I have received some very well-worded and thought-out comments/direct messages."
"Just to answer some questions, the heirloom comes from my Mom's side, not Dad's."
"My father passed 2 years ago."
"Elsie's mom is a deadbeat to put it nicely."
"My brothers rarely speak to Elsie, mainly due to them living 3 states away."
"I will be talking to my Mom asap, she wants to talk and I want to as well because at the end of the day, I love her and would never change that."
Second Update...
"I visited Mom and we had a really long talk about my life and growing up."
"I apologized to her and she accepted with a smile, she told me she'd always forgive me no matter what."
"That's why I love my Mom she's a kind soul."
"I expressed to her that I felt I should have the necklace because we are blood and my grandma had it before her and then my great grandma the x4."
"My Mom started to tear up and explained that she thought I didn't want it and may as well pass it on to Elsie."
"She said she knows Elsie isn't her real daughter, but over the years, her resentment turned to pity 'cause she really didn't have anyone, especially after I moved out to live with my boyfriend."
"Mom said we could call Elsie and come to an agreement."
"Mom called Elsie, and she actually came over to the hospital instead."
"She sat with us and I asked her what her plans were with the necklace."
"She told me she was gonna take really good care of it and wear it."
"I asked her if I could give her a portion of my current inheritance money as a way to buy it off her."
"We both get $300,000 but I give her 25k, then she gets $325,0000 and I get $275,000 and the necklace."
"She said that was a good idea because I clearly have a connection to this necklace and she would benefit from liquid anyway."
"Mom reassured her she would get other pieces of jewelry. My mom really loved bling."
"I feel happier knowing I could come to some sort of an agreement, but what's most important to me is that my Mom and I are good and we are."
"I cried, told her I loved her and gave her a really big hug before I left."
"I said goodbye to Elsie and was on my way."
"I called Damien and Michael when I got home to explain what had happened. They said they were proud of me for reaching an agreement everyone was happy with."
"We talked a little more over the course of 2 hours, and we agreed that whilst we don't want Elsie actively in our lives, we were gonna make sure she was set, and Michael said we should check in on her when we can."
It's great to hear that you and your Mom came to peace, OP.
Though Reddit is very concerned for Elsie.
Hopefully, over time, your four siblings will find more common ground.
Sorry about your Mom's condition.
Good luck to all of you.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp