Content Warning: Postpartum Depression
When people think of new parents inviting their baby into their home, they might think of the sleepless nights and struggles with breastfeeding, but for the most part, the image they probably have in their mind is pretty idyllic and beautiful.
Few people, if anyone, will immediately think of the horribly sad fact that many parents will be dealing with Postpartum Depression, as well, cringed the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor SharpListens loved his wife and child very much, and he empathized with his wife's struggles with Postpartum Depression, though he wasn't totally sure how to help her.
But when she repeatedly lashed out at him, blaming him for her condition, before eventually telling him that she wasn't attracted to him anymore, the Original Poster (OP) wasn't sure he could handle staying in the relationship any longer.
He asked the sub:
"AITAH for going through the motions after my postpartum wife told me she doesn't find me attractive anymore?"
The OP's wife struggled after the birth of their first baby.
"My wife and I have been married for two years and together for six."
"A few months ago, my wife gave birth, and while it was very exciting, my wife did struggle a bit."
"I tried to help out as much as I could, but my wife just kept lashing out at me until one day she said she doesn't find me attractive anymore at all."
"That was a sharp blow and stung a lot. My wife seemed to have realized the effect of her words, and she instantly apologized and even cried."
It was soon discovered that the wife's actions were caused by Postpartum Depression.
"Shortly after, we went to the doctor, and she was prescribed meds for PPD (Postpartum Depression)."
"The meds did have an almost instant effect, and my wife's mood improved a lot after she started taking the meds."
But the damage for the OP was already done.
"However, I can never forget those words my wife said, and I am just going through the motions now."
"I am on autopilot and helping out with our baby as much as I can, but I just don't have any desire for intimacy with my wife even though she wants it."
"My wife has apologized many times and feels very guilty about it, and I've told her it's okay."
"But I just want to wait it out until our baby is a year and a half old, and things are stable, and that's when I'll decide the next steps."
"AITAH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some urged the OP to be honest with his wife instead of saying everything was "okay."
"You shouldn't tell her it's okay when it's not. It's not your job to make her feel less guilty after damaging your self-worth and trust in her as a partner. You don't need to punish her, but you do not need to tell her it's okay. I'm sure one comment sticks out, but her repeatedly lashing out over and over is what made it feel true and hurt you."
"You don't owe her intimacy, and you should tell her why you aren't interested in it right now."
"You can go through the motions and decide what to do in a year and a half but pretending everything is okay and silently resenting her is a death sentence for your marriage. You can choose that if you want, but the other option is to convey your true feelings and not pretend you aren't deeply hurt by her actions."
"She needs to take responsibility, explain her true feelings, and explain why she got to the point she did where she was blaming you for her bad feelings. She also needs a plan that includes talk therapy and not just drugs to deal with her issues."
"Don't take her PPD lightly and trust that the medicine is helpful. NTA." - DietAny5009
"Just tell her the truth. Don't say, 'Everything is okay' if it isn't. That will just build resentment for you."
"PPD is really awful, so please take that into account." - GlobalTraveler65
"NTA. But it's important to be honest with her about how you're feeling instead of saying, 'It's okay' when it's not. Those words hit hard, and it's completely normal to need time to process them, especially when they come from someone you love."
"PPD is a huge factor, so keeping that in mind is important, but it doesn't mean your feelings aren't valid. It might help to have a conversation with her and possibly seek counseling together to navigate this tough time." - Patient_Extent3304
"It's understandable that you're hurt, and you're not an AH for feeling the way you do."
"Even though your wife's words were likely a result of her struggles with postpartum depression, it doesn't make the impact any less painful. You've done the right thing by supporting her and helping with the baby, but it's also important to acknowledge your own feelings."
"Right now, it sounds like you're in a tough place, and taking time to let things settle before making any decisions is wise. However, consider talking with a therapist, both individually and as a couple."
"Working through this together could help rebuild trust and intimacy, especially if you both want to move forward. It's crucial to give yourself grace, but also to address these feelings so they don't fester." - iammyougirlfriendd
Others agreed and found it clear that the couple needed therapy, together and separately.
"My strong suggestion would be to get individual therapy with someone who specializes in family issues. You've clearly suffered lasting hurt that you've not been able to work through. That's entirely reasonable for something that painful."
"The only thing I'd like to say that you might consider is that some people who are depressed express that by becoming angry. They lash out at the people they are closest to."
"That doesn't make it right or fair. That doesn't mean you should just take it either. It's just some additional info to consider as you sort through things." - Salty_Interview_5311
"NTA, but you two really need to communicate. PPD is an absolute b***h, plain and simple. That's not an excuse, I'm not saying you shouldn't feel the way you feel, but with PPD, you're not in your proper state of mind."
"And it's not always going to present in the sad, crying, potentially suicidal type of way. With my first and second I was so intensely angry at everyone except my baby. My moods were extreme and my actions could be too."
"Letting this kind of upset and resentment fester instead of communicating about it isn't going to solve anything. It's just prolonging an inevitable end to your relationship."
"If you want to work on things then you need to start working on them now. If the end goal is just to end things, then there's also no reason to keep yourself stuck in a situation you don't want to be in knowing you're just going to leave anyway." - crysslyeee90
"OP, I think you need counseling, too. PPD is a horrible thing and you as the partner have witnessed it manifest in ways that have impacted you. NAH and you're not but you need help."
"When you're suffering from any kind of depression the reward system in your brain tends to break down leading to a state called 'anhedonia.' In this state, you become less capable of experiencing pleasure, be it emotional pleasure or sometimes even physical pleasure."
"Things you previously enjoyed become kind of empty and hollow as you no longer get any joy or reward from them. It is difficult to communicate how horrible this state is, or what it does to your perception."
"What I'm getting at is that it is very likely at the time she said that, your wife was not capable of experiencing sexual attraction at all, and it's very possible she didn't understand why. You cannot trust her perception of the situation or her knowledge of her own emotions when she is in that state. It is very possible that she felt like she meant what she said, but that doesn't mean it is worth giving it any credibility."
"After six years, you probably know your wife well enough to be able to tell whether she's attracted to you. My advice is not to take what she said at face value, but to trust in your own instincts as well." - Odd_Anything_6670
"I had pretty severe PPD and PPA (Postpartum Depression and Postpartum Anxiety) with both of my kids. A big part of it is no longer seeing things the way they really are. I have chronic depression and anxiety, but PPD/A was a whole different level."
"Her lashing out was not okay. It wasn't. Her saying something so damaging was not okay. All that to say, OP, she might not have found you attractive at the time because she didn't find anything to be pleasant in any way. Chemical imbalances will do that."
"Not to mention it's completely natural and normal for AFAB people not to feel attraction or want intimacy when they have just given birth, especially if she's breastfeeding. She shouldn't have told you that she was feeling that way, but please, OP, when it starts to hurt your self-esteem, remind yourself that it wasn't the long-term reality, it was the short-term situation of having a new baby and mental illness."
"I'm not saying you have to forgive her or move past it. I'm simply saying that if you can, try not to let it damage your self-esteem. She said something horrible to you and treated you badly. Mental illness or not, she's responsible for that behavior. You need to be totally honest with her about how hurt you are and how difficult it is for you to move past it."
"If you can, I would say you should both go to therapy, individual and couple's therapy. After you've both had time to process things properly, then make the decision on what to do with regards to your marriage." - ImReallyNotKarl
The subReddit felt terrible on the OP's behalf and his wife's.
Postpartum Depression is nothing to take lightly, and what is said while struggling with it should be taken with a grain of salt. However, that doesn't change how hurtful those comments might be, and it's important for everyone involved to have a chance to process those feelings.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp