Content Warning: Domestic Abuse, Abusive Mother-in-Law, Maternity Leave, Colicky Baby, Postpartum Symptoms
People tend to underestimate how much work goes into caring for a baby until the baby has arrived at home. Even if they’ve had babies before, everything can change with the inclusion of a complicated pregnancy, a caesarean section, or a colicky baby.
But hosting additional, unwanted houseguests only makes the experience that much harder, cringed the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor EuphoricWitness755 was healing from a caesarean section while raising a colicky baby, while also living with her difficult mother-in-law (MIL) who was having marital problems.
When her husband also showed her no support and refused to help with the baby, the Original Poster (OP) couldn’t decide if she was really the failure they claimed she was.
She asked the sub:
“AITAH for expecting my husband to do ‘my job’ while I’m on maternity leave?”
The OP was overwhelmed with her new life as a mom.
“I don’t even know where to start. I feel like I’m drowning, but maybe I’m the one at fault for expecting too much.”
“I’m (27 Female) a first-time mom to a seven-week-old baby girl named Daisy. She’s beautiful, but she cries all the time. The doctors call it colic, but it feels like I must be doing something wrong.”
“Isn’t a mother supposed to be able to comfort her child? I can’t even manage that.”
“The past few weeks have been a blur of pain, exhaustion, and failure. My C-section scar still throbs when I move too much, and sleep is a distant memory. I don’t remember the last time I slept more than two hours in a row.”
The OP’s husband was not supportive of her journey, either.
“My husband, Mark (31 Male), tells me I’m overreacting.”
“He works long hours and says he needs his rest, so I do the nights alone.”
“Every feeding, every diaper change, every midnight sobbing session (both hers and mine), it’s all me.”
The OP’s mother-in-law (MIL) was a terrible story all her own.
“Then there’s my MIL, Susan. She moved in three weeks ago after a fight with my FIL (Father-in-Law).”
“She has taken over the living room, refuses to help with the baby because ‘that’s your job,’ and makes passive-aggressive comments about how I’m not keeping the house clean enough.”
“I thought it would be temporary, but she has shown no sign of leaving.”
“She has been treating me like a live-in maid. She doesn’t cook for herself or for anyone else. Instead, she’ll drop hints like, ‘It’d be nice if there were some tea,’ while I’m juggling a screaming baby.”
“Yesterday, she had friends over for ‘book club,’ and they spent the afternoon laughing loudly and commenting on how messy the house was. I wanted to scream. Instead, I hid in the nursery and cried.”
As if that weren’t enough, the OP’s dog was also ill.
“And the dog—God, our dog got sick. He’s been vomiting everywhere for days.”
“Mark refuses to help because it was ‘my idea’ to get a dog in the first place.”
“Between cleaning up after him, trying to soothe a baby who won’t stop crying, and keeping the house somewhat livable, I feel like I’m losing my mind.”
The OP felt like it was her against the world.
“The worst was last week when I got mastitis. My fever hit 102 degrees Fahrenheit, and I could barely stand, let alone take care of the baby.”
“I begged Mark to take a day off to help, but he said work was too busy. That night, he ordered takeout for himself, ate in the living room with Susan, and didn’t even ask if I wanted anything.”
“Yesterday, everything came to a head. The baby was screaming, the laundry machine broke mid-cycle, the dog threw up on the couch, and Susan decided to host another ‘book club’ without asking me.”
“I hadn’t eaten all day, and I was shaking from exhaustion. I begged Mark to ask his mom to leave or at least help me get through the day.”
“He looked at me like I was crazy and said, ‘You’re the one on maternity leave. What else do you have to do?'”
The OP wasn’t sure what to believe.
“I don’t remember what I said back, but it doesn’t matter. He stormed out, leaving me with the mess, the baby, and Susan glaring at me like I was the problem.”
“Later, she told me I was a bad wife for upsetting him and that I should be grateful he works so hard for us.”
“I feel like I’m failing at being a mom, a wife, and a person.”
“Maybe they’re right. Maybe I’m selfish for expecting help. Maybe I’m a bad mother because I can’t stop my baby from crying. Maybe this is all my fault.”
“I don’t know anymore.”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that she was doing a great job, despite what she heard at home.
“Do not for a second believe they are right. Ever. I am disgusted by what you wrote, but for entirely different reasons than you think.”
“‘Cause YOU, momma, f**king rock! How are you still standing? Pure willpower and love for your child is my humble guess. Cause support from all the lazy bums around you surely isn’t it.”
“You’re doing an incredible job. I am deeply impressed and wish everyone could have a mom like you! You will get through this and I just know your baby will one day be in awe of what you survived, just like me now.”
“I can’t even utter all the words that want to leave my lips but your MIL and sorry excuse of a husband are beyond saving.”
“I’m sure others here are more qualified to connect you to the proper resources for help. But this ain’t right. Get a friend to come pick you up cause if nothing else you at least need a kind word and a warm meal.”
“So much NTA, I’m rooting for you!!” – Disastrous_Gate_5559
“NTA. And you’re not failing, you’re being failed by a man baby who never cut the umbilical cord.”
“Okay, so let’s address the MIL first.”
“MIL: ‘It would be nice if there were some tea.'”
“You: ‘It really would, thanks for offering to make some!'”
“Any passive-aggressive request, just take it as an offer.”
“If she implies that it’s your job tell her, ‘No, my job is the baby, remember? You’re an adult woman, you can cook for yourself, make yourself tea, and otherwise function as an independent adult.'”
“Then put her in a corner: ‘Speaking of which, when are you moving out? I’m not comfortable living with you indefinitely or being around you 24/7 with your behavior. I expect you to be out of my home within three months.'”
“Also, ‘And your book club has to meet elsewhere from now on, they’re too disruptive to my schedule and the baby’s. I won’t let them in next time if they show up. And if you let them in, I’ll tell them to leave, and if they don’t, I’ll call the cops to remove them. I’m done letting you walk all over me.'”
“Finally, ‘If my partner has a problem with any of that, we can talk about getting a divorce, but I am no longer putting up with this. I agreed to marry him, not you.'”
“But honestly, I think you should just dump his a**. I think you’d be surprised how easy being actually alone with the baby is compared to this MIL and manchild bullsh**t.”
“Could you go and stay with your baby and your family for a while? Get out of that environment? Pretty sure things would be much easier then.” – Cool_Relative7359
“I had a colicky baby and a two-year-old. You’re doing great!! If your mom isn’t available, get a hotel room, and order in.”
“Tell them you’ll come back when the house is clean, the dog is healthy, and someone else is in charge of making sure you get three healthy meals a day, or NEVER.”
“AND I would make sure MIL was gone.” – Grammie1439
“Jes*s f**king Chr**t, the mom shaming here shows exactly why I hate the human species.”
“You are struggling and your less-than-useless husband and your total [c-word] of a MIL are turning you into a married single mother.”
“NTA. Don’t breed with him again, though. Try to see if you can make the dog puke on both of them.” – redditlurker1981
Others agreed and urged the OP to change her home surroundings, and fast.
“Do you have any family support at all? My heart breaks for you.”
“Your husband’s behavior is atrocious and I’d be hard-pressed to forgive him if I were in your shoes.”
“As for your mil, don’t hesitate for one second to tell her that you aren’t doing anything for her and that she needs to either be a good guest or have a date set for her departure.” – empathy10
“Is there some reason you can’t kick Susan out on your own? Just throw her stuff out the front door and tell her to get out.”
“You don’t mention your own friends or family so it sounds like you don’t have a support network to help you.”
“If I were in your place, I would walk into a church or a pregnancy care center and ask for help. My church is crawling with older empty nesters who would be happy to cuddle the cranky one while you take a nap.”
“Go find your community.” – she_who_knits
“OP needs an experienced mother to take her in hand. Someone who’s been through a colicky baby, maybe. Not because OP is not a good mother, I am certain she is, but because the colick makes her believe she’s not.”
“Also, stop doing the housework around there. Order your own takeout. MIL can stew in her own filth. And starve. The same goes for the useless husband.”
“I wish OP had a supportive mama to flee to. Some of us are not that lucky, so other supportive women are essential.” – sudden_crumpet
“I can’t be bothered to read all of that. I gave up where you talk about MIL and book club.”
“Yes, indeed you are an a**hole TO. YOUR. SELF.”
“Kick that b***h out and tell your a**hole husband to help out or get out too.”
“As for your child STOP beating yourself up, they don’t come with instructions. And I have no doubt you’re doing better than you think.” – OkBalance2879
“Honey.”
“Single moms spend, on average, seven hours LESS on housework each week than married straight moms. Husbands actively create more work for wives, on average.”
“And that isn’t taking into account babysitting a mother-in-law full-time, which has to be, like, an extra twenty hours a week of extra chores per your description.”
“Take your baby and leave, if possible. I know not everyone has family or friends that will take them in, especially with a colicky baby. (Side note: the doctors have diagnosed your baby with colic. YOU ARE DOING NOTHING WRONG. You are doing the best you can.)”
“Even if you can’t leave, you need to talk to a divorce attorney immediately. They will be able to counsel you about how you can maintain residence in your home while evicting the leech and her manchild.”
“There is so. much. peace awaiting you if you extricate yourself from this shi*show, and Daisy deserves to grow up not seeing her mom accepting being treated like a live-in servant. She’s going to model her idea of normalcy on what she sees at home. You wouldn’t want this for her, right? You deserve better as much as she does.” – epiphanomaly
The subReddit was disgusted and disturbed on the OP’s behalf, not just because of what she was putting up with from her mother-in-law but because of the absolute lack of support coming from her husband.
While she was on maternity leave and not going into a standard workplace, the OP had her hands full with healing from a major surgery, caring for a young and colicky baby, and apparently, taking care of a house and two adults who could not take care of themselves.