Content Warning: Domestic Abuse, Abusive Mother-in-Law, Maternity Leave, Colicky Baby, Postpartum Symptoms
People tend to underestimate how much work goes into caring for a baby until the baby has arrived at home. Even if they've had babies before, everything can change with the inclusion of a complicated pregnancy, a caesarean section, or a colicky baby.
But hosting additional, unwanted houseguests only makes the experience that much harder, cringed the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor EuphoricWitness755 was healing from a caesarean section while raising a colicky baby, while also living with her difficult mother-in-law (MIL) who was having marital problems.
When her husband also showed her no support and refused to help with the baby, the Original Poster (OP) couldn't decide if she was really the failure they claimed she was.
She asked the sub:
"AITAH for expecting my husband to do 'my job' while I'm on maternity leave?"
The OP was overwhelmed with her new life as a mom.
"I don't even know where to start. I feel like I'm drowning, but maybe I'm the one at fault for expecting too much."
"I'm (27 Female) a first-time mom to a seven-week-old baby girl named Daisy. She's beautiful, but she cries all the time. The doctors call it colic, but it feels like I must be doing something wrong."
"Isn't a mother supposed to be able to comfort her child? I can't even manage that."
"The past few weeks have been a blur of pain, exhaustion, and failure. My C-section scar still throbs when I move too much, and sleep is a distant memory. I don't remember the last time I slept more than two hours in a row."
The OP's husband was not supportive of her journey, either.
"My husband, Mark (31 Male), tells me I'm overreacting."
"He works long hours and says he needs his rest, so I do the nights alone."
"Every feeding, every diaper change, every midnight sobbing session (both hers and mine), it's all me."
The OP's mother-in-law (MIL) was a terrible story all her own.
"Then there's my MIL, Susan. She moved in three weeks ago after a fight with my FIL (Father-in-Law)."
"She has taken over the living room, refuses to help with the baby because 'that's your job,' and makes passive-aggressive comments about how I'm not keeping the house clean enough."
"I thought it would be temporary, but she has shown no sign of leaving."
"She has been treating me like a live-in maid. She doesn't cook for herself or for anyone else. Instead, she'll drop hints like, 'It'd be nice if there were some tea,' while I'm juggling a screaming baby."
"Yesterday, she had friends over for 'book club,' and they spent the afternoon laughing loudly and commenting on how messy the house was. I wanted to scream. Instead, I hid in the nursery and cried."
As if that weren't enough, the OP's dog was also ill.
"And the dog—God, our dog got sick. He's been vomiting everywhere for days."
"Mark refuses to help because it was 'my idea' to get a dog in the first place."
"Between cleaning up after him, trying to soothe a baby who won't stop crying, and keeping the house somewhat livable, I feel like I'm losing my mind."
The OP felt like it was her against the world.
"The worst was last week when I got mastitis. My fever hit 102 degrees Fahrenheit, and I could barely stand, let alone take care of the baby."
"I begged Mark to take a day off to help, but he said work was too busy. That night, he ordered takeout for himself, ate in the living room with Susan, and didn't even ask if I wanted anything."
"Yesterday, everything came to a head. The baby was screaming, the laundry machine broke mid-cycle, the dog threw up on the couch, and Susan decided to host another 'book club' without asking me."
"I hadn't eaten all day, and I was shaking from exhaustion. I begged Mark to ask his mom to leave or at least help me get through the day."
"He looked at me like I was crazy and said, 'You're the one on maternity leave. What else do you have to do?'"
The OP wasn't sure what to believe.
"I don't remember what I said back, but it doesn't matter. He stormed out, leaving me with the mess, the baby, and Susan glaring at me like I was the problem."
"Later, she told me I was a bad wife for upsetting him and that I should be grateful he works so hard for us."
"I feel like I'm failing at being a mom, a wife, and a person."
"Maybe they're right. Maybe I'm selfish for expecting help. Maybe I'm a bad mother because I can't stop my baby from crying. Maybe this is all my fault."
"I don't know anymore."
"AITAH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that she was doing a great job, despite what she heard at home.
"Do not for a second believe they are right. Ever. I am disgusted by what you wrote, but for entirely different reasons than you think."
"'Cause YOU, momma, f**king rock! How are you still standing? Pure willpower and love for your child is my humble guess. Cause support from all the lazy bums around you surely isn't it."
"You're doing an incredible job. I am deeply impressed and wish everyone could have a mom like you! You will get through this and I just know your baby will one day be in awe of what you survived, just like me now."
"I can't even utter all the words that want to leave my lips but your MIL and sorry excuse of a husband are beyond saving."
"I'm sure others here are more qualified to connect you to the proper resources for help. But this ain't right. Get a friend to come pick you up cause if nothing else you at least need a kind word and a warm meal."
"So much NTA, I'm rooting for you!!" - Disastrous_Gate_5559
"NTA. And you're not failing, you're being failed by a man baby who never cut the umbilical cord."
"Okay, so let's address the MIL first."
"MIL: 'It would be nice if there were some tea.'"
"You: 'It really would, thanks for offering to make some!'"
"Any passive-aggressive request, just take it as an offer."
"If she implies that it's your job tell her, 'No, my job is the baby, remember? You're an adult woman, you can cook for yourself, make yourself tea, and otherwise function as an independent adult.'"
"Then put her in a corner: 'Speaking of which, when are you moving out? I'm not comfortable living with you indefinitely or being around you 24/7 with your behavior. I expect you to be out of my home within three months.'"
"Also, 'And your book club has to meet elsewhere from now on, they're too disruptive to my schedule and the baby's. I won't let them in next time if they show up. And if you let them in, I'll tell them to leave, and if they don't, I'll call the cops to remove them. I'm done letting you walk all over me.'"
"Finally, 'If my partner has a problem with any of that, we can talk about getting a divorce, but I am no longer putting up with this. I agreed to marry him, not you.'"
"But honestly, I think you should just dump his a**. I think you'd be surprised how easy being actually alone with the baby is compared to this MIL and manchild bullsh**t."
"Could you go and stay with your baby and your family for a while? Get out of that environment? Pretty sure things would be much easier then." - Cool_Relative7359
"I had a colicky baby and a two-year-old. You're doing great!! If your mom isn't available, get a hotel room, and order in."
"Tell them you'll come back when the house is clean, the dog is healthy, and someone else is in charge of making sure you get three healthy meals a day, or NEVER."
"AND I would make sure MIL was gone." - Grammie1439
"Jes*s f**king Chr**t, the mom shaming here shows exactly why I hate the human species."
"You are struggling and your less-than-useless husband and your total [c-word] of a MIL are turning you into a married single mother."
"NTA. Don't breed with him again, though. Try to see if you can make the dog puke on both of them." - redditlurker1981
Others agreed and urged the OP to change her home surroundings, and fast.
"Do you have any family support at all? My heart breaks for you."
"Your husband's behavior is atrocious and I'd be hard-pressed to forgive him if I were in your shoes."
"As for your mil, don't hesitate for one second to tell her that you aren't doing anything for her and that she needs to either be a good guest or have a date set for her departure." - empathy10
"Is there some reason you can't kick Susan out on your own? Just throw her stuff out the front door and tell her to get out."
"You don't mention your own friends or family so it sounds like you don't have a support network to help you."
"If I were in your place, I would walk into a church or a pregnancy care center and ask for help. My church is crawling with older empty nesters who would be happy to cuddle the cranky one while you take a nap."
"Go find your community." - she_who_knits
"OP needs an experienced mother to take her in hand. Someone who's been through a colicky baby, maybe. Not because OP is not a good mother, I am certain she is, but because the colick makes her believe she's not."
"Also, stop doing the housework around there. Order your own takeout. MIL can stew in her own filth. And starve. The same goes for the useless husband."
"I wish OP had a supportive mama to flee to. Some of us are not that lucky, so other supportive women are essential." - sudden_crumpet
"I can't be bothered to read all of that. I gave up where you talk about MIL and book club."
"Yes, indeed you are an a**hole TO. YOUR. SELF."
"Kick that b***h out and tell your a**hole husband to help out or get out too."
"As for your child STOP beating yourself up, they don't come with instructions. And I have no doubt you're doing better than you think." - OkBalance2879
"Honey."
"Single moms spend, on average, seven hours LESS on housework each week than married straight moms. Husbands actively create more work for wives, on average."
"And that isn't taking into account babysitting a mother-in-law full-time, which has to be, like, an extra twenty hours a week of extra chores per your description."
"Take your baby and leave, if possible. I know not everyone has family or friends that will take them in, especially with a colicky baby. (Side note: the doctors have diagnosed your baby with colic. YOU ARE DOING NOTHING WRONG. You are doing the best you can.)"
"Even if you can't leave, you need to talk to a divorce attorney immediately. They will be able to counsel you about how you can maintain residence in your home while evicting the leech and her manchild."
"There is so. much. peace awaiting you if you extricate yourself from this shi*show, and Daisy deserves to grow up not seeing her mom accepting being treated like a live-in servant. She's going to model her idea of normalcy on what she sees at home. You wouldn't want this for her, right? You deserve better as much as she does." - epiphanomaly
The subReddit was disgusted and disturbed on the OP's behalf, not just because of what she was putting up with from her mother-in-law but because of the absolute lack of support coming from her husband.
While she was on maternity leave and not going into a standard workplace, the OP had her hands full with healing from a major surgery, caring for a young and colicky baby, and apparently, taking care of a house and two adults who could not take care of themselves.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp