Having a baby means time is budgeted to the microsecond.
Plans have to be stable to keep the little one on schedule.
Often parents can't run all over the place.
Even for family.
Case in point...
Redditor MonitorGlittering609 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback. So naturally, she came to visit the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
"AITA for telling my dad's wife that plus ones don't get accommodations?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"My (29 F[emale]) and my husband welcomed our daughter seven months ago."
"I do not live in the same country as my divorced parents, so they both separately came to meet the baby when she was born."
"My dad met her when she was a month old and hasn't been able to make it back since."
"He planned a visit for later in the month and asked if he could bring his wife, Anna, which I said was okay."
"Over the past week, Anna has been asking for an increasing amount of changes to the plans we've made for the week."
"She wants to go to different places, different restaurants. She even tried to change the dates to be more convenient for her."
"I was getting a bit fed up with this and told my dad numerous times that I'd planned things with him, myself, and my daughter in mind, so I didn't really appreciate Anna thinking she could mix and match what she wanted to do."
"My dad said he understood, but that still didn't stop him from texting me with her requests, all of which I declined."
"Yesterday, she texted me directly, asking if we could plan a day trip to a town 1 hour 50 minutes away because she'd always wanted to go there."
"I told her I'm absolutely not going on a 4-hour round trip to a town I've been to 400 times with an infant."
"And that if she wants to go, she must organize that in her own time."
"She responded that this trip was her own time, to which I said she is welcome to hire a car and drive there at any time she wants, but I will not be going."
"She said it wasn't fair that I hadn't acquiesced to any of her requests, at which point I got irritated."
"I told her that plus ones don't get to make the schedule and that if she didn't like the itinerary, she shouldn't feel pressured to come."
"My dad blew up on me for saying this."
"Saying I should have just asked him to handle it, and now I've upset her by insinuating that she wasn't welcome, which I don't think I did."
"I told my dad I'm not fussed whether she comes or not, but she is tagging along on his trip to see his granddaughter, and she needs to be respectful of that."
"He said that is not how she saw it, that she saw it as more of a communal holiday and that I was harsh for what I said and an AH for sticking him in the middle."
"So AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
"NTA. Let's break this down..."
"You are a new mom!"
"Recovering from a birth still, and you and your husband have a 7-month-old infant."
"Your dad's wife is making weird unreasonable extra travel demands and pretending the trip to bond with your baby is her own personal holiday."
"Your own DAD won't even stand up for you and is mad you somehow put HIM in the middle??"
"He is putting you in the middle by not standing up for you."
"Just no. Enjoy your new little family."
"I truly hope your dad comes around."
"Edit to add: I feel like your title is a bit misleading actually and leaning toward your dad's wife's side."
"The real problem seems to be that she is trying to turn bonding time into her personal holiday." ~ herecomes_the_sun
"Honestly, this sounds like it's your dad's fault."
"He should've stopped funneling her requests to you when you made it clear you weren't interested in them."
"And talked to his wife about making their own touristy plans together or whatever in their free time in your country (since I assume you didn't have your dad's schedule planned down to every minute, there's nothing stopping him and Anna from doing stuff)."
"Anna shouldn't have texted you directly."
"She is tagging along on his trip to see his granddaughter, and she needs to be respectful of that.""He said that is not how she saw it, that she saw it as more of a communal holiday and that I was harsh for what I said and an AH for sticking him in the middle."
"However, Anna is viewing the trip as your dad's fault."
"He is the one who has communicated about this trip with her and invited her, so her perception of the trip is his fault."
"It's not yours, and it's not necessarily hers."
"Your dad needs to compromise here with both parties (you and Anna) because if he wants to bring Anna on this trip."
"It sounds like he and Anna occasionally will need time to do their own thing."
"Which is totally valid when you're traveling to a different country and wanna do some different stuff (and with a 7-month-old, there will be plenty of downtimes)."
"He and Anna need to work this out without involving you." ~ andromache97
"The point is she wants to share her vacation with you and your family."
"You resent her coming period, and you're trying to make sure she knows it."
"She's pushing because she thinks it would be fun for everyone to be together."
"She's not considering your feelings in all of this."
"Instead of lashing out and having arguments with your Dad, maybe just say you'd rather just do things with him and you."
"But maybe one of the days you could do what Anna wants to do."
"Compromise would be really nice here."
"Do you HAVE to compromise to be NTA, no."
"You're not any way at all."
"However I don't think Anna is either."
"I think she's being thoughtless, but not an AH." ~ ree1778
"Sticking him in the middle?"
"He was already there even before all this."
"I have a feeling we have missing info here, not from you, OP but from your dad."
"Makes me wonder how he communicated the whole trip to his wife."
"Might be the source of her expectations. NTA." ~ tango421
"NTA. It's not a matter of plus one or not."
"She wants a vacation trip and not to meet her stepgrandchild."
"You're in the right."
"This meeting is about bonding time between your child and their extended family, not tourists around."
"Tell your father and Anna that if they want to do that other stuff, they can extend their time in town, in a hotel room, and do their travel plans."
"But these specific days are about your child." ~ Sea-Jackfruit1295
"ESH. I think you are NOT the AH for having the reasonable expectation that this trip is about seeing the baby in a fairly relaxing setting."
"You have a lot on your plate with a 7-month-old and are not in any position to be their tour guide."
"Going out for dinner, fine."
"Running all over doing touristy things--not the point of the visit, and you are correct to set firm boundaries."
"I do think you were rude for saying what you did the way you did."
"I told her that plus ones don't get to make the schedule and that if she didn't like the itinerary, she shouldn't feel pressured to come."
"A better response would have been to tell your dad that you were overwhelmed and dealing with the baby."
"That you had already sent the itinerary and that if he and Anna wanted to do something different on their own, they should rent a car or get an Uber and feel free to do so."
"But what you have offered in the itinerary is all you are capable of at this time while baby duties are your #1 priority."
"And then just stop responding to any more of his, 'but Anna wants to do these' texts." ~ avocadosdontbite
"NTA- she's seeing this as her time, but it's not."
"It's your father's time with your child, who he's only met once before."
"She's dictating your time by trying to change the plans."
"You're allowed to say no. She's being unreasonable." ~ hap_py45
"Yes, it may have been rude to call the wife a plus one, but OPs are not wrong for it."
"She has a baby and wants her dad to come and see his grandbaby."
"His wife is a plus one."
"OP doesn't seem to have a relationship with this woman, and she doesn't have to accommodate her."
"She wants her dad to visit her and her kid, and she is nice enough to agree for her dad's wife to tag along."
"The wife sees it as a trip, which it is, but it's to see the baby and do things with OP."
"It's not a tourist trip and going on a 4-hour round trip. NTA." ~ Ennardinthevents
Well, OP, Reddit is with you.
You have a lot going on.
You have to do what is best for you and your baby.
Congratulations.
And good luck with Anna.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp