It’s 2024, and college tuition does not seem to be getting any more affordable than it was in years past.
If you are lucky enough to have a family member who’s able and willing to pay your college tuition so you don’t have to take out a bunch of loans, the last thing you’d want to do is not show that family member how grateful you are for them, pointed out the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Imaginary-Carror2532 thought she had a great relationship with her brother and decided, as a child-free woman, to dote upon her niece whenever she could, including saving up money to put toward her college tuition.
But when her niece made snide remarks about her child-free status at her high school graduation party, the Original Poster (OP) questioned who she’d been saving money up for all this time.
She asked the sub:
“AITAH for refusing to pay for my niece’s college tuition after she publicly humiliated me?”Â
The OP had been saving up money to give her niece for her college tuition.
“I (45 Female) am child-free by choice but have always been close to my brother (47 Male) and his daughter, Emily (18 Female).”
“Over the years, I’ve saved up a decent amount of money, and I offered to help pay for Emily’s college when the time came.”
“She’s a smart kid, and I wanted to give her opportunities I never had growing up.”
But then she discovered how her niece really felt about her during her graduation party.
“Everything was fine until last month. I was invited to Emily’s high school graduation party, which was a big deal in our family.”
“During the party, Emily gave a speech thanking everyone for their support. She thanked her parents, her grandparents, even her friends.”
“Then she paused, looked at me, and said, ‘And a big thanks to Aunt (me) for not having kids so she could spoil me like I’m hers. Must be nice having all that extra money and no responsibilities.'”
The OP was shocked.
“The entire room laughed, and I froze. I could feel everyone looking at me, and all I could do was smile awkwardly.”
“I’ve heard jokes about being child-free before, but this felt cruel and unnecessary, especially since I’ve sacrificed a lot to save for her future.”
“My brother and sister-in-law laughed too, which hurt even more.”
“After the party, I confronted Emily privately. She rolled her eyes and said it was just a joke, and I needed to lighten up.”
“My brother brushed it off, saying, ‘Teenagers can be dumb, don’t take it personally.'”
The OP decided to change the plans she’d worked so hard for.
“I’ve spent weeks thinking about this, and I’ve decided to withdraw my offer to pay for her college.”
“I feel like she doesn’t respect me or the effort I’ve made to support her.”
“When I told my brother, he blew up at me, calling me selfish and accusing me of punishing Emily for ‘one harmless joke.'”
“Emily hasn’t apologized, but now I’m questioning if I’m being too harsh.”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some understood exactly why the OP was upset about what her niece said.Â
“Seriously, an 18-year-old is capable of saying, ‘And thanks to my Aunt, who has always loved me as her own. I’m so grateful for everything you’ve done for me.'”
“She went out of the way to come up with that ‘joke.’ NTA, and I’ll apologize FOR her.” – AZCAExpat2024
“As a child-free person myself, I’m sort of okay with the first part, like it could’ve been sweet if she went in another direction but the dig about not having responsibilities was not cool.” – EffortSilver5132
“D**n right you’re not at fault.”
“And GUESS WHO PLANTED THAT BULLS**T NOTION IN YOUR NIECE’S HEAD TO BE VOMITED OUT AT HER PARTY?!”
“Your a**hole brother, and many a few other family members, THAT’S who!” – Dizzy_Conflict_5568
“You are completely not at fault. When someone is doing another a huge favor and helping carry a burden together, the least they can do is be respectful and acknowledge your feelings when you express them. They don’t get to belittle or demean your experience and still expect your help.”
“I’m guessing if you look back over the years, you have probably over and over again accommodated their lives in a way they haven’t been towards yours. Not in a tit-for-tat way but in a way that they haven’t really accepted who you are as an adult and that the choices you have made about your life are as valid as theirs.”
“It might be time to pull back from them. They have clearly taken you for granted. All the best.” – Temporary_Nebula_295
“You’re 100% not at fault here!”
“I have an equally ungrateful niece who’s said many insulting things over the years. I used to think my childless husband and I would make her, as our only niece on my side, our heir.”
“We’ve since decided it’s better to anticipate taking care of ourselves as we age because we don’t have children who’ll come help us. As a singleton, I recommend you protect yourself first, and engage a favorite charity if there is anything you can leave anyone.”
“Your niece will learn; but long after you’ve taught the lesson. Don’t settle for being her educational punching bag as she learns.” – thatgirlinny
“She hasn’t apologized, which means you are not being too harsh. I understand the teenagers making stupid jokes scenario, but if she does not apologize and repent for humiliating you, even if that was not her intention, then you still are not harsh enough.”
“Do not cave. Have some self-respect and teach this kid and her parents that actions have consequences. Let them deal with them. Grow a spine.”
“Driving under the influence might be a teenager’s stupid mistake, but after the accident and the innocent people killed, the consequences will not disappear just because you are a stupid teenager making a mistake, life does not work like that. This might not be as severe as that (no offense), but it’s just as serious.” – Tfuentexxx
“Honestly, I’d just tell my brother that I realize I made a mistake, that Emily has been gifted with a privileged life, and that her ‘joke’ made it clear that not only does Emily not appreciate her privilege, but she feels entitled to it.”
“Then say that because you love her, you’re not going to participate in that any further. Your hope is that by making Emily work for her own accomplishments, she’ll appreciate them more.”
“The joke was a**hole behavior, but the point here is that Emily is an a**hole and there’s a really small window for her to course-correct. Someone poor wouldn’t joke about a helpful family member in that way, they’d be so immensely grateful for the hand-up that it wouldn’t even occur to them.”
“Emily needs to learn to be a better person.” – katybean12
Others gave suggestions for what they’d say to those demanding the tuition.
“When they demand the money again, tell them you have bought yourself a holiday home, and the money is gone.”
“When they complain about you letting them down, tell them it’s one of the perks of having no kids: you have no responsibilities to anyone. NTA.” – Temporary_Nebula_295
“When they complain about you letting them down, tell them it’s one of the perks of having no kids: you have no responsibilities to anyone… as quoted by their daughter.”
“I get she was joking, but she clearly doesn’t understand what you’ve sacrificed for her. I’m curious what percent of her education was OP planning on paying?”
“Actions have consequences, it’s time the 18-year-old learns that. NTA.” – mca2021
“Here’s what you should do, OP. Tell them, ‘I’m actually going to keep the money in a fund for my own child’s college tuition.'”
“If they say anything about how ‘you don’t have one’ or ‘when are you having one,’ just go, ‘Well, when she said that really hurtful thing about having no kids and no responsibility, I decided I should reconsider.'”
“F**k them, give it a couple of years, and then buy a boat, and when they say some s**t, go, ‘Yeah, I realized I was better off not having a teenager who says stupid s**t to people who helped take care of them while they were growing up. Anyway, isn’t this a cool boat?'” – Alconium
“NTA.”
“Tell the niece and brother that you decided to prioritize saving for your old age since you clearly have no one who will be there for you. They are AHs.”
“OP, enjoy some travel or pursue new hobbies. H**l, go back to school if you want to.”
“Be kind to yourself.” – Alert-Cranberry-5972
“When they ask for the money again, just simply say, ‘I didn’t mean it, I was always only joking about the college fund! As if I’d pay for my brother’s kid’s education, that’s his responsibility,’ and then top it off with an eye roll…” – Werm_Vessel
“NTA.”
“Tell them, ‘Emily’s little joke made me realize that I have all this extra money and it would be nice to spend it on myself because, as she reminded everyone, she isn’t really my responsibility.'”
“She has had plenty of opportunities to apologize, but she is going to have to learn the hard way not to bite the hand that feeds her. Too bad her parents never taught her gratitude, but something tells me she learned this sense of entitlement from them.”
“I guess they all are going to learn a very expensive lesson.” – Historical_Agent9426
While paying someone’s college tuition would be an incredible gesture, acknowledging the sacrifices someone made for you, especially in the presence of family and friends celebrating your accomplishments, would be in some ways an even greater one.
Emily and her father clearly needed to learn not just the value of hard work, but of showing gratitude to those who work hard to provide for them.