Growing old isn't easy.
It is a blessing to still be breathing, but surviving age can come with strings attached.
Loneliness is a big issue with the elderly.
Not everyone is surrounded by loved ones and family.
So it can be difficult for those who do help.
There is only so much time in the day.
Redditor Crime698 wanted to discuss his experience and get some feedback, so naturally, he came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
He asked:
"AITA (42M) for refusing to keep helping my (87M) neighbor, even though my mom (70F) and half my family say I'm being heartless?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I (42 M[ale]) live next door to 'Bill' (87 M)."
"He's been my neighbor for about 15 years, and for the past two, I've been helping him out a lot: groceries, rides to appointments, fixing small things around his house."
"Here's the problem: Bill has started treating me like his personal caretaker."
"He calls at random hours for stuff that isn't urgent (like moving his couch or resetting his router)."
"Last month, he called me during my work meeting because he 'couldn't figure out his thermostat.'"
"I told him I can't always drop everything, and he blew up, saying younger people owe the elderly their time."
"Now here's where the drama escalates..."
"My mom (70 F[emale]) says I should keep helping because 'someday you'll be old and hope someone helps you.'"
"My sister (39 F) told me I was cruel for setting boundaries."
"My brother (44 M) says Bill is manipulative, and I need to stop."
"My wife (40 F) is furious because I keep missing dinners and family time to deal with Bill."
"My cousin (36 M) actually sided with Bill (!!) and told me I was 'selfish' because I don't have kids at home anymore, so I have 'more free time.'"
"I am literally a nurse in my 40s."
"My friend (41 M) says I should call social services or a senior support group instead of trying to do it all."
"So now it's me against half my family + Bill."
"Mom and my sister think I'm abandoning an old man who 'has no one else.'"
"My wife and brother are on my side that Bill is taking advantage."
"Cousin keeps guilt-tripping me."
"I feel like I'm stuck."
"If I keep helping, I'm drained, and my marriage suffers."
"If I stop, I'm the 'cold neighbor who turned his back on an old man.'"
The OP was left to wonder:
"So Reddit, AITA for refusing to keep being my 87M neighbor's on-call helper, even though my family is pressuring me to cave in?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
"NTA, I have a similar situation and have had to perform a 'work slowdown' on her because it's too damned much."
"Sometimes it's necessary to get someone else involved to spread the joy." ~ ChooksChick
"Stop trying to please everyone."
"And every time Bill calls, tell him that X family member is more than happy to help out, and give him their number(s)."
"And yes, prioritize your wife."
"Don't let Bill drive you to divorce just so he can cannibalize all your time."
"For God's sake." ~ busyshrew
"The router and the thermostat scream someone who is losing their ability to reason."
"At 87, Bill needs an adult child who is local with medical and financial power of attorney, a will, a D[o] N[ot] R[esuscitate], and more care than he is getting in his home alone."
"Alas, he has abused the generosity and kindness of OP over the last 15 years, and as he ages and deteriorates like we all will, OP cannot continue to be his full-time person."
"His wife resents it."
"He resents how he has unwillingly become an unpaid caregiver working at all hours to the point he is missing meals with his own family."
"Time to be heartless."
"Time to help Bill CALL HIS OWN FAMILY to help OR hire people to help him."
"He needs a social worker, a lawyer, and it sounds like in-home caregiving or an assisted living situation."
"Stop talking about it with all your judgmental family members except your supportive spouse and brother."
"Explain to Bill you can no longer be his person."
"Your job has gotten more demanding, and YOU are aging yourself and have more obligations in your own home, in the community, at church, and with family."
"Give him the phone numbers for the social worker, local assisted living homes, etc., and wish him good luck."
"If you don't trust him to call?"
"I'd call the county assistance for the aged myself and report he needs help." ~ GanderWeather
"My wife (40F) is furious because I keep missing dinners and family time to deal with Bill."
"This is the opinion that should matter most to you, and it's a bit odd that you listed this fourth on your list."
"Do you want to remain married?"
"Do you respect your wife and family?"
"By the way, I think it's fantastic that your mom, sister, and cousin have volunteered to help Bill out."
"Oh, they haven't?"
"Well, then, eff their opinions. NTA." ~ mmmmm_pi
"NTA, your mom and sister are free to be at your neighbor's beck and call since they are so very concerned about him!" ~ jbarneswilson
"NTA. If they feel so strongly, they should all give Bill their phone numbers so he has a phone tree for help, and they can drop everything for him."
"Your obligation is to your family (wife and kids) and work."
"It's nice if when you're already going to the grocery store, you go for him too."
"Or you set a day and time that you can help him (30 minutes per week, for example)."
"But you're not obligated to do this."
"Also, why does your extended family know enough to give you their opinions?"
"Maybe keep stuff to yourself if they're so judgmental." ~ friendlily
"I would block Bill's number."
"I would also call adult protective services."
"If Bill isn't able to live independently and can't figure out things like groceries, getting to appointments, and how to work the thermostat, it may be time for him to think about moving into assisted living."
"Do his kids live nearby?"
"Maybe they need to check on him more often."
"Does he have the funds to hire someone to come by a few times a week and help with meal prep, groceries, getting to appointments, and light housecleaning?"
"Right now, this is too much of a burden on you and your family, and if your siblings and parents are guilting you over that, I would suggest to them that they make up a schedule and go over to Bill's house and take days they can help him out." ~ dragonsandvamps
"NTA. Your time is important."
"Why are you discussing any of this with anyone other than your wife?"
"Your relatives don't need to know that much about the details of your life."
"And good grief!"
"You don't need to obey your parents anymore." ~ KatzAKat
"Bill honestly seems like he needs help."
"And I'm not talking about fix this, take me there."
"I had a neighbor almost exactly like him."
"It started out exactly like it did for you."
"And it ramped up to me being interrupted 5+ times per day (I should add I work from home)."
"And then it got weird… Not remembering how to answer his phone, not remembering how to change the channel on his TV."
"I got in touch with a family member of his who came out to see him."
"The family member was shocked at the state he was in and began visiting more often."
"After a few weeks, the family member called me to let me know that my neighbor would be moving into a care facility."
"He was slipping into dementia."
"I agree with the person who said to call social services."
"Or better still, Bill's family, if you know how to reach them."
"This is putting too much strain on you and your family, and trust me… It does not get better."
"Praying everything works out for you." ~ Shoddy_Zebra_2230
"NTA, you aren't abandoning the guy because he isn't your responsibility."
"You owe him nothing."
"You have been kind, and now his expectations are unreasonable."
"You need to tell him you can help, but he needs to find other support."
"Your family can go to everyone he calls if they want to be so judgmental."
"Seriously, text them all every time he asks for help."
"Maybe then they'll understand the demands put upon you." ~ AvocadoJazzlike3670
"Who cares what your family thinks?"
"Since when do they get to vote on how you spend your time?"
"Or are you that co-dependent on them?"
"If so, it's way past time to sever those apron strings!"
"Grow up. Say no."
"Don't answer if he calls at an inconvenient time."
"Tell him, point blank, that you are not at his beck and call because you have to work and you have your own obligations."
"If he needs help, he is going to need to hire someone to help him."
"If you feel like it, find out if he has kids."
"Then reach out to them."
"If he doesn't or they don't want to help him, then call Adult Protective Services."
"If he needs that much help to get through his day, he may not be safe staying in his home alone. NTA." ~ Valuable-Release-868
"NTA. Give Bill the numbers of the half of the family that agrees with him."
"Sounds like they're willing to pitch in."
"Tell Bill that being old doesn't give him the right to be an entitled, disrespectful AH, and that you owe him nothing."
"Being old doesn't mean people owe you crap."
"And let him know that you're blocking his number and are no longer available." ~ Disastrous-Nail-640
Reddit sympathizes with you, OP.
Your heart is in the right place.
But you are not Superman.
Bill needs more than you can give.
If your family feels so strongly about this, then it's time for them to step up.
You can help, but you don't owe him your life.
Good Luck.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp