Guy Called 'Heartless' For Refusing To Drop Everything To Be 'On-Call Helper' For Elderly Neighbor

Growing old isn't easy.

It is a blessing to still be breathing, but surviving age can come with strings attached.

Loneliness is a big issue with the elderly.

Not everyone is surrounded by loved ones and family.

So it can be difficult for those who do help.

There is only so much time in the day.

Redditor Crime698 wanted to discuss his experience and get some feedback, so naturally, he came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.

He asked:

"AITA (42M) for refusing to keep helping my (87M) neighbor, even though my mom (70F) and half my family say I'm being heartless?"

The Original Poster (OP) explained:

"I (42 M[ale]) live next door to 'Bill' (87 M)."

"He's been my neighbor for about 15 years, and for the past two, I've been helping him out a lot: groceries, rides to appointments, fixing small things around his house."

"Here's the problem: Bill has started treating me like his personal caretaker."

"He calls at random hours for stuff that isn't urgent (like moving his couch or resetting his router)."

"Last month, he called me during my work meeting because he 'couldn't figure out his thermostat.'"

"I told him I can't always drop everything, and he blew up, saying younger people owe the elderly their time."

"Now here's where the drama escalates..."

"My mom (70 F[emale]) says I should keep helping because 'someday you'll be old and hope someone helps you.'"

"My sister (39 F) told me I was cruel for setting boundaries."

"My brother (44 M) says Bill is manipulative, and I need to stop."

"My wife (40 F) is furious because I keep missing dinners and family time to deal with Bill."

"My cousin (36 M) actually sided with Bill (!!) and told me I was 'selfish' because I don't have kids at home anymore, so I have 'more free time.'"

"I am literally a nurse in my 40s."

"My friend (41 M) says I should call social services or a senior support group instead of trying to do it all."

"So now it's me against half my family + Bill."

"Mom and my sister think I'm abandoning an old man who 'has no one else.'"

"My wife and brother are on my side that Bill is taking advantage."

"Cousin keeps guilt-tripping me."

"I feel like I'm stuck."

"If I keep helping, I'm drained, and my marriage suffers."

"If I stop, I'm the 'cold neighbor who turned his back on an old man.'"

The OP was left to wonder:

"So Reddit, AITA for refusing to keep being my 87M neighbor's on-call helper, even though my family is pressuring me to cave in?"

Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:

• NTA – Not The A**hole
• YTA – You're The A**hole
• NAH – No A**holes Here
• ESH – Everyone Sucks Here

Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.

"NTA, I have a similar situation and have had to perform a 'work slowdown' on her because it's too damned much."

"Sometimes it's necessary to get someone else involved to spread the joy." ~ ChooksChick

"Stop trying to please everyone."

"And every time Bill calls, tell him that X family member is more than happy to help out, and give him their number(s)."

"And yes, prioritize your wife."

"Don't let Bill drive you to divorce just so he can cannibalize all your time."

"For God's sake." ~ busyshrew

"The router and the thermostat scream someone who is losing their ability to reason."

"At 87, Bill needs an adult child who is local with medical and financial power of attorney, a will, a D[o] N[ot] R[esuscitate], and more care than he is getting in his home alone."

"Alas, he has abused the generosity and kindness of OP over the last 15 years, and as he ages and deteriorates like we all will, OP cannot continue to be his full-time person."

"His wife resents it."

"He resents how he has unwillingly become an unpaid caregiver working at all hours to the point he is missing meals with his own family."

"Time to be heartless."

"Time to help Bill CALL HIS OWN FAMILY to help OR hire people to help him."

"He needs a social worker, a lawyer, and it sounds like in-home caregiving or an assisted living situation."

"Stop talking about it with all your judgmental family members except your supportive spouse and brother."

"Explain to Bill you can no longer be his person."

"Your job has gotten more demanding, and YOU are aging yourself and have more obligations in your own home, in the community, at church, and with family."

"Give him the phone numbers for the social worker, local assisted living homes, etc., and wish him good luck."

"If you don't trust him to call?"

"I'd call the county assistance for the aged myself and report he needs help." ~ GanderWeather

"My wife (40F) is furious because I keep missing dinners and family time to deal with Bill."

"This is the opinion that should matter most to you, and it's a bit odd that you listed this fourth on your list."

"Do you want to remain married?"

"Do you respect your wife and family?"

"By the way, I think it's fantastic that your mom, sister, and cousin have volunteered to help Bill out."

"Oh, they haven't?"

"Well, then, eff their opinions. NTA." ~ mmmmm_pi

"NTA, your mom and sister are free to be at your neighbor's beck and call since they are so very concerned about him!" ~ jbarneswilson

"NTA. If they feel so strongly, they should all give Bill their phone numbers so he has a phone tree for help, and they can drop everything for him."

"Your obligation is to your family (wife and kids) and work."

"It's nice if when you're already going to the grocery store, you go for him too."

"Or you set a day and time that you can help him (30 minutes per week, for example)."

"But you're not obligated to do this."

"Also, why does your extended family know enough to give you their opinions?"

"Maybe keep stuff to yourself if they're so judgmental." ~ friendlily

"I would block Bill's number."

"I would also call adult protective services."

"If Bill isn't able to live independently and can't figure out things like groceries, getting to appointments, and how to work the thermostat, it may be time for him to think about moving into assisted living."

"Do his kids live nearby?"

"Maybe they need to check on him more often."

"Does he have the funds to hire someone to come by a few times a week and help with meal prep, groceries, getting to appointments, and light housecleaning?"

"Right now, this is too much of a burden on you and your family, and if your siblings and parents are guilting you over that, I would suggest to them that they make up a schedule and go over to Bill's house and take days they can help him out." ~ dragonsandvamps

"NTA. Your time is important."

"Why are you discussing any of this with anyone other than your wife?"

"Your relatives don't need to know that much about the details of your life."

"And good grief!"

"You don't need to obey your parents anymore." ~ KatzAKat

"Bill honestly seems like he needs help."

"And I'm not talking about fix this, take me there."

"I had a neighbor almost exactly like him."

"It started out exactly like it did for you."

"And it ramped up to me being interrupted 5+ times per day (I should add I work from home)."

"And then it got weird… Not remembering how to answer his phone, not remembering how to change the channel on his TV."

"I got in touch with a family member of his who came out to see him."

"The family member was shocked at the state he was in and began visiting more often."

"After a few weeks, the family member called me to let me know that my neighbor would be moving into a care facility."

"He was slipping into dementia."

"I agree with the person who said to call social services."

"Or better still, Bill's family, if you know how to reach them."

"This is putting too much strain on you and your family, and trust me… It does not get better."

"Praying everything works out for you." ~ Shoddy_Zebra_2230

"NTA, you aren't abandoning the guy because he isn't your responsibility."

"You owe him nothing."

"You have been kind, and now his expectations are unreasonable."

"You need to tell him you can help, but he needs to find other support."

"Your family can go to everyone he calls if they want to be so judgmental."

"Seriously, text them all every time he asks for help."

"Maybe then they'll understand the demands put upon you." ~ AvocadoJazzlike3670

"Who cares what your family thinks?"

"Since when do they get to vote on how you spend your time?"

"Or are you that co-dependent on them?"

"If so, it's way past time to sever those apron strings!"

"Grow up. Say no."

"Don't answer if he calls at an inconvenient time."

"Tell him, point blank, that you are not at his beck and call because you have to work and you have your own obligations."

"If he needs help, he is going to need to hire someone to help him."

"If you feel like it, find out if he has kids."

"Then reach out to them."

"If he doesn't or they don't want to help him, then call Adult Protective Services."

"If he needs that much help to get through his day, he may not be safe staying in his home alone. NTA." ~ Valuable-Release-868

"NTA. Give Bill the numbers of the half of the family that agrees with him."

"Sounds like they're willing to pitch in."

"Tell Bill that being old doesn't give him the right to be an entitled, disrespectful AH, and that you owe him nothing."

"Being old doesn't mean people owe you crap."

"And let him know that you're blocking his number and are no longer available." ~ Disastrous-Nail-640

Reddit sympathizes with you, OP.

Your heart is in the right place.

But you are not Superman.

Bill needs more than you can give.

If your family feels so strongly about this, then it's time for them to step up.

You can help, but you don't owe him your life.

Good Luck.