A mom was stressed out while planning an elaborate sweet 16 birthday party for her daughter.
In the family, it's a huge deal, but the birthday girl only had one specific request she asked of guest who are attending the specially-themed event.
When that request was challenged, the mom got caught in the middle of the conflict and made a firm stance that was met with drama
So she visited the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit to seek judgment from strangers online.
There, Redditor Jamie12087 asked:
"AITA for siding with my daughter (15 f[emale]) when she enforced the no RED dress code w/ my aunt for her sweet 16?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"AITA or more like are we TA We have been working on my daughter's (15f) Sweet 16 party planning for almost a year. My daughter picked the theme of Nightmare Before Christmas (NBC)."
"This is a formal/semi-formal event. She has been lax on letting her Aunts, Grandma, and cousins pick out almost everything except the colors and clothing assignment for Sweet 16 court. She chose basic colors of black, white, and purples for her main colors."
"The guests pick a NBC character and use it as inspiration for their formal ware. Birthday Girl - Red Inspo (Jack as Santa)"
"Her ONLY parameters for her Sweet 16 was that she and her boyfriend be the ONLY ones to wear red because she wanted to be Jack when he turned into Santa Claus. She told all family and friends and made it VERY clear- NO RED."
The OP continued:
"Now here is the part where I need to know AITA. The party is 6 days away, I ran into my Aunt, and she was very excited to show me a pic of her outfit. The shoes were beautiful but they worried me a little bc they had some red on them. I brushed it off bc who looks at shoes anyway."
"Then she showed me a beautiful bright RED dress. I was shocked and it showed bc her smile fell and she looked at my mom and said 'it isn't red it's burgundy. You told me I could wear it bc it isn't red.' My mom agreed it was much darker in person."
"I was trying to fix my face and not panic. I told myself it would be ok and that I would talk to my daughter about it. Skip to a few hours later when I did talk to my daughter and was able to show her the dress picture."
"My daughter asked if my aunt could please wear a different color dress but my aunt said no bc she ordered that dress for her party. My daughter told her it was the only rule she had and if she wasn't willing to follow it she would miss having her there but if she was willing to change colors we would love to have her."
"I backed my daughter up but my mom and sisters are upset with me bc 'my aunt doesn't have a lot of money and can't buy another dress... or she won't come if she can't wear that dress.' My daughter very clearly stated to them that she told my aunt and everyone else not to wear red and burgundy is a shade of red, she should have taken that into consideration when she ordered her dress."
"She is sorry but she is not changing her mind not about this ONE thing. She gave into all the other things they wanted."
"AITA for siding with my Daughter when she stuck to the no Red dress code for guests. Also for not giving in when they tried to guilt us about it."
The OP explained how this in an important family tradition.
"There are a lot of people saying it is just a birthday party; however, it is not to my daughter. My mother started the tradition of giving her granddaughters a sweet 16 extravagant party when her first one was born 23 years ago."
"She has given upwards of 5-7 so far, and it is finally my daughter's turn. It is a right of passage at this point in our family. My daughter will have the court, the shoes, the dances, the tiara. Normally they get to plan every single thing with my mom, the aunts, and other female cousins."
"So no this is not 'just a birthday party.' It is a once in a life time memorable moment in her life that she will never be able to replace."
"My mother, two sisters, and two nieces are helping us plan the party. When trying to make decisions, my daughter just gave In to all their choices instead of making a fuss over things. She is not big and over the top but this type of party traditionally is."
"They wanted her to wear two dresses: a big poofy ball gown and a slimmer one. She only wanted a slim one, but she ended up giving in to make my mom and sister happy. She did not want any alcohol at the party, period, but my sister begged and begged until she gave in and said not until after 10, and then they negotiated 9."
"This incurred an extra cost for security. We don't drink often and don't have alcohol around our kids normally, but she felt if she didn't give in, parts of my family wouldn't come. She also gave in to the explicit songs being played, but she made that at a certain time frame also."
"She gave in to it being formal/semi-formal. She let them have free reign over cake flavors, food, decorations, everything except colors. The ONE thing she got to keep was colors."
"One thing you need to know about my daughter is she is normally very level-headed, laid back, and chilled. She is very mature and logical. She is very respectful and does not talk back to adults. However we have raised her to understand that she deserves respect also."
"When we talked to my aunt via text message tonight, we very much tried to have her wear anything else other than red 'burgundy', but she said she would just not come if she couldn't wear that dress. We would love for her to be there however I will not compromise my daughter's boundaries for anyone. I don't find it unreasonable."
"My mom normally will loan dresses out to my aunt or help her buy them, but this time, she said no."
Anonymous strangers weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH - No A**holes Here
Many Redditors thought the OP was not the a**hole (NTA) here.
"NTA party dress codes aren't my thing, but to each their own. It's her party, and she can set the dress code and select to hold the line on whole strictly it's enforced." – sun_and_stars8
"NTA. People saying yta because it's just a birthday would lose their ever lovin' minds at the thought of a quinceañera. I've seen videos of sweet 16 parties complete with courts, shoe ceremony, tiara ceremony, and father/daughter dance. This is your daughter's celebration of approaching womanhood."
"She gave the party planning reigns to others instead of commandeering it herself with the one exception of her picking the colors herself. She asked for no one else to wear red so that she can stand out on her big day. To me, it's no different than the no white wedding rule or the bride requesting a color not to be worn because it's the same color as her dress."
"Have your daughter speak with your aunt herself and ask to see the dress in person. Maybe you'll get lucky, and it is dark enough, but if not, you and your daughter need to put your foot down." – OnSmallWings
"No it violates the dress code. Offer to help your aunt find something else that fits. If she refuses unfortunately, she can't attend and they will have to celebrate with you some other time because you don't want her to embarrass herself by being so disrespectful to the birthday girl." – FaelingJester
"Hard NTA. I don't like the idea of party dress codes for guests, but if I'm invited to one, I follow it or don't go. It's your daughters day and this aunt pointedly picked the color your daughter is trying to make part of what makes her feel special at her party (even if it's on the line thats a dick move). you're teaching your daughter she is allowed to set boundaries even with family. that makes you a great parent, not an AH. " – Relative-Stuff-9048
"NTA. If she was wary of the color being too similar, she should've asked before purchasing it, especially if money is tight. If she truly wants to come and your daughter still wants her there, maybe you could offer her the money to buy a different colored dress, with the understanding that she pays you back with her refund when she returns the original red dress. Though as we all know, she may or may not pay you back." – Far-Dare-6458
Overall, Redditors felt the OP's daughter was rightfully the star of the show and, therefore, had every right to institute the no-red dress policy.
Despite the pushback, they also gave the OP props for standing by her daughter.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp