Proper, restful sleep is imperative to a healthy existence.
It can be difficult to get restful sleep.
It can take hours to fall off.
And the last thing someone wants is to be abruptly woken up.
Sleep patterns can be a dealbreaker in a relationship.
Redditor Swirlyflurry wanted to discuss their experience and get some feedback, so naturally, they came to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subreddit.
They asked:
“WIBTA if I started locking our bedroom door in the mornings?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“My husband and I are on different sleep schedules.”
“He tends to go to bed around midnight or 1 AM, and wake up around 7 AM.”
“I don’t get to bed until 4, 5, sometimes 6 AM, and tend to sleep until around noon.”
“I’m aware my sleep schedule is horrible, but until I can get it fixed, this is what I’m living with.”
“The issue is that my husband will routinely come into the bedroom and talk to me while I’m still trying to sleep.”
“It’s never anything important, and definitely nothing time sensitive that couldn’t wait until I was awake.”
“He comes back into the room every 20-30 minutes, sometimes to make some random comment, sometimes to ask me a random question.”
“Sometimes he’ll walk in and just stand in the doorway staring at me.”
“I’ve told him before that this feels like a passive-aggressive attempt to annoy me into getting up, and that it results in me already being irritated before I even get up for the day.”
“His response is that that’s not how he means it, so ‘it’s fine.'”
“This morning, he sent our Roomba into the bedroom when I was still sleeping, and the thing roared and banged around in there for an hour.”
“There’s a second bathroom he can use (it’s the one he primarily uses anyway), so I wouldn’t be cutting him off from the only bathroom or anything.”
“This way I can finish sleeping without becoming irritated at him first thing in the morning, and he can stop wandering in for no reason.”
“I don’t know if it’s just an ingrained habit at this point or if he really is trying to annoy me into getting up, but he hasn’t stopped despite me asking him to.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“Would I be the AH if I started locking the bedroom door after my husband gets up, so I can finish sleeping?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
“You could lock the door, but it’s not going to help because he will just knock on the door to get you to answer him.”
“The problem is the lack of respect he has for you.” ~ sopolebird
“This exactly.”
Not everyone is on the same sleep schedule, and OP’s husband knows she is struggling with chronic pain and is pestering her when she’s trying to sleep, which is already difficult for someone in pain as it is.”
“NTA, OP.”
‘You deserve to be able to rest without having him come in to ask random questions to try to wake you up.”
“He sounds immature, and I fully agree that he is being disrespectful.” ~ bornbylightning
“Sleep deprivation is a torture method.”
“I’m not saying he’s torturing her, but it’s worth noting that not sleeping enough can seriously f**k you up.”
“He’s harming her physically (body and mind can’t rest) and also emotionally (disrespect, provocation, passive aggressiveness).”
“I’ve heard stories of people abusing their partners with sleep deprivation.”
“She’s already asked him to stop, so even if he was an oaf who didn’t know not to wake her up, now he knows.”
“And he won’t stop.”
“Surely that’s on purpose?”
“NTA. OP, I’d think long and hard about whether he’s done other passive-aggressive things like this over the years.”
“Don’t believe the comments that infantilise him or make excuses.”
“He knows he shouldn’t, but he doesn’t care.” Has he done anything like this before?” ~ ToiIetGhost
OP came back with some info…
“Since so many people keep asking why my sleep schedule is so messed up, I’ll put it here: I’m disabled and have chronic pain.”
“If I go and lie down before I’m actually tired, I just end up lying there in pain.”
“It’s resulted in my sleep schedule getting pushed back later and later.”
“Not ideal, but also not something I can just ‘fix.'”
“I do not work.”
“My husband is technically still employed, but is transitioning out and burning through his time off before he gets out, so he only goes into the office once every other week.”
“Many people are pointing out that maybe my husband is lonely, that’s a lot of hours that we could be spending together, etc.”
“We’re together literally all day.”
“Nearly every day.”
“He only goes into work once every two weeks, and even that is only for 3-4 hours at a time.”
“We spend the rest of the time less than ten feet away from each other.”
“We have plenty of time together.”
“The few hours in the morning when I’m still asleep are the most time we spend ‘apart.'”
Reddit continued to weigh in.
“My husband and I have dissimilar sleep schedules, and he NEVER bothers me when he’s awake and I’m still asleep in the mid-late morning.”
“In fact, he goes out of his way to keep sleep conditions optimal even if it’s mildly inconvenient (like keeping lights off in the adjacent room; we don’t have a door between the two rooms).”
“I do the same if I stay up when he goes to sleep and don’t get in bed until later.”
“It is 100% a respect issue, especially if they’re both home together all day.”
“OP WNBTA, but there are deeper-running problems here.” ~ ColoredGayngels
“Yep. NTA, but it won’t make it better.”
“As someone with chronic illness and sleep issues, I’d break up over it.”
“It might seem extreme to some, but I seriously don’t get enough sleep, and someone making it worse just builds resentment in me.”
“My ex didn’t listen to me about it (he has sleep apnea and refused to use the C[ontinuous] P[ositive] A[irway] P[ressure] until I said I’m just gonna have to move out because I couldn’t take it any more.”
“He made a bedroom in the basement, and we slept separately.”
“I had hair-trigger unreasonable anger towards anyone’s snoring (like roomie on the couch) until I broke up with him, though.”
“Recovering now.” ~ amaraame
“NTA, especially if you’ve asked him to stop and he won’t.”
“The people asking why OP sleeps like this need to chill.”
“There is nothing inherently good about going to bed early or getting up early, nor is there anything inherently bad about being a night owl.”
“Left to my own devices, that’s the sleep schedule that feels natural to me.”
“As long as OP isn’t neglecting work/household duties, there is no reason to say the sleep schedule warrants the husband being an a**hole.”
“Would you all say the same if OP walked in 10 minutes after he went to bed and started chatting with him over nothing?” ~ throwawaypolyam
“NTA. I don’t understand all the comments about your sleep schedule.”
“It literally does not matter what time you go to sleep or what time you wake up (unless it’s impacting your work or mental health).”
“Your partner is doing something that stops you from getting restful sleep. Period.”
“You know what’s important when you have chronic pain? Sleep!”
“If you told this exact same story, but you were going to bed at 10 pm and waking up at 6 am, everyone would be pissed at him.” ~ helluvapotato
“As someone with chronic illness who also can’t work and sleeps terribly due to pain, I fully understand you and your husband are the AH hardcore.”
“My B[oy]F[riend] would never do this to me in a million years.”
“He knows how important my sleep is, especially since it’s so hard for me to sleep.”
“Your husband is actively making your life more difficult and doesn’t seem to care.”
“It’s not ok.”
“This would be a very big deal to me.”
“You need to have a serious talk about this, and in the meantime, lock your door so he knows how serious you are.” ~ Zealousideal_Tip_147
“NTA. Having or wanting a different sleep schedule isn’t horrible.”
“Not everyone is a night sleeper, and that’s ok.”
“If your husband is interrupting your sleep after you’ve told him not to, it’s because he’s being selfish, and you’re spot on about why he’s doing it.”
“Take the batteries out of the Roomba, lock the door, and tell him why you’re doing it.”
“If he has to be policed like a child in order to respect you, then don’t feel bad about it.”
“And if he keeps doing it, then do it back to him.”
“Send the Roomba in around 3 am.”
“Go talk to him about nothing important at 4:30.”
“Sit down on the edge of the bed and stare.”
“Then maybe after a few nights of equal treatment, he’ll learn to stop treating you like you’re there to entertain him.” ~ chocolate_chip_kirsy
“NTA, but honestly, if that’s what it takes for you to be able to sleep in peace, you should maybe consider looking at the relationship and thinking if it’s worth your time.”
“I can’t know your situation completely, so I can’t say concretely whether the relationship is worth it or not.” ~ Top_Indication5789
“NTA. Sleep deprivation and other forms of controlling someone else’s sleep a very, very common abuse tactics.”
“At the absolute best, he’s an a**hole and thinks you shouldn’t be sleeping when he has to be awake.”
“Get an adalock and start using it.” ~ Shatterpoint887
“NTA, but I suspect he will just knock on the door.”
“Both your sleep schedule and your husband’s problem require a more active intervention.” ~ FaithlessnessFlat514
Reddit is with you, OP.
Restful sleep is too important to life.
You may need a serious sit-down chat with your husband.
He needs to understand that, for now, you need him to back off a little.
Good Luck.