Plans change on a dime.
That is an inconvenient truth.
Not everyone is equipped to handle fast change.
A change of travel plans can throw someone into a tailspin.
But modifications must be met.
Redditor toucancameron wanted to discuss their experience and get some feedback, so naturally, they came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
They asked:
"AITA for going on a day trip without my daughter?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"This past Thursday, my daughter (17 F[eamle]) and I had plans to go on a day trip to Boston, but our sewer line backed up."
"My husband (her father) had work, so I had to deal with the sewer issue."
"We had both been looking forward to Boston, so we were both quite disappointed."
"However, my daughter felt that her dad should have taken off work to take care of the sewer line so we could still go to Boston."
"I told her we would just go the next day, and she reluctantly agreed to it."
"Yesterday morning, when she woke up and came downstairs, I asked if she was excited for Boston today."
"She said she wasn't anymore and is making plans with her friends."
I was disappointed, but then I decided I would still go by myself because I had been looking forward to it."
"When I continued to get ready, she asked what I was doing."
"I told her I was still going to Boston."
"She got upset and said I shouldn't go without her."
"I told her she was still welcome to join me, but I was going to go whether she wanted to join me or not."
"I also offered to bring one of her friends with us if her parents were ok with it."
"She declined that offer and decided to stay in town and do something with her friends."
"She complained to her Gran (my M[other]-I[n]-L[aw]) and her aunties (my S[ister]-I[n]-L[aw]s), and they think going without her was harsh."
"They said I could have done something else for myself instead of going to Boston without her."
"My Dad said I was right to stick to my plans, and that my offer to bring one of her friends with us was generous."
"My husband is on the fence."
The OP was left to wonder:
"Well, Reddit, AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
"NTA. She's testing how much power she has over your decisions, and you're showing her that her attempt at a power play won't work."
"Great choice." ~ Own_Lynx_6230
"She sounds like a good kid, but it's a well-known aspect of child development that kids will push and push on boundaries to feel confident about how the world works."
"People talk about this a lot with young kids, but it doesn't stop in their teens."
"You're doing exactly what helps with this situation, showing her, 'When I say what I will do, I am telling the truth. You can rely on that.'" ~ Own_Lynx_6230
"It's normal for teens to push boundaries, but giving in where it's not warranted is a good way to teach them they can control others."
"It's good for her to see her parents having a life and not revolving 100% around kids." ~ EtchingsOfTheNight
"Your family should not be involved in this."
"I can see your husband stating his opinion because he lives there and is the other parent, but no one else should be sticking their nose in."
"You're NTA." ~ friendlily
"Going to other adults is part of the boundary pushing, too."
"The curse of being a teenager is that you've woken up to the fact that some of the rules are bullsh*t, but you lack the experience to accurately guess which are bullsh*t."
"She feels wronged, and she's trying to find ways to address it."
"It may take her a couple of tries to learn that grandma's rules are much more permissive than yours, but once that happens, she'll stop roping in others." ~ helloimbeverly
"NTA. You offered to take your daughter, AND a friend."
"She declined."
"There is no reason for anyone to be upset about this."
"She has no right to be complaining; she made her choice not to go." ~ Katana_cant_thrust
"NTA. I probably would’ve had a similar reaction at 17 because when you’re 17, the world still revolves around you."
"She will forget it with time :) just let her teenagerness ride through."
"You got this, girl... lol." ~ yodelersanonymous
"As a teen girl, I 100% would have had this response because I was really looking for someone to pay attention to and really, really want to be around me so much that they would throw their whole day away because going without me would be just that tragic."
"And then I would be miffed that nobody read my mind and everyone took me at my word that I didn’t want to go."
"Being a teenager is weird, lmao."
"I’m happy to have more developed frontal lobes now."
"NTA at all, this is just what being a teenager is like sometimes." ~ foundinwonderland
"NTA- Princess just learned that she is not the sun of your universe, and it is a very good and important lesson to learn."
"Is her expectation that when she leaves the house, you all sit and wait for her to come home?"
"She is learning that you are a whole human being and not just her mother."
"Yes, it’s hard, but you are giving her a great example."
"She will learn that life goes on when she is not there, and no one will wait for you." ~ Sweetjules1209
"NTA, why are people so oddly selfish?"
“'I don’t want to go, so you can’t go either?'"
" That is just a very teenage response, understandable since she’s a teenager, but the MIL and SILs chiming in is so weird."
"Mind ya bizness and let people live their lives!" ~ Katcar2007
"NTA. So you shouldn’t go just because she said so?"
"I don’t understand the logic."
"Is Boston going away, and you and she will never be able to go together?"
"Were you supposed to light a candle in the window and stare forlornly until she returned?"
"I would be really upset that she tattled to her nan and aunts, and I’d be really angry at my husband for being 'on the fence.'”
"Grow a spine, dude."
"It seems like you and your dad are the only ones willing to say no to her." ~ IHaveBoxerDogs
"Why should you change your plan because she's acting like a spoiled brat?"
"Go and enjoy yourself, your daughter will just have to learn that not everything is about her or will always go in her favor. NTA." ~ New_Cantaloupe9162
"NTA, it’s an important lesson to learn."
"The world doesn’t stop for others just because we don’t participate with them."
"She has the right to be disappointed that plans changed, and even to cancel plans when she no longer wants to do something."
"But she doesn’t have the right to dictate what others do or don’t do by themselves." ~ fabulousautie
"NTA - sometimes life gets in the way of things."
"You couldn't make your trip but planned on going the next day instead, and your daughter agreed, but went ahead and made a conflicting plan with her friends."
"That's on her; she consciously made alternative plans and bailed on you."
"Oh dear, sucks to be her." ~ brit953
"Your dad is correct."
"Besides, that’s probably not the only time you’re ever going to drive to Boston."
"If it’s a day trip, you’re close enough to go again."
"Your husband's 'fence straddling' is cowardly."
"You asked your daughter to wait one day… and she agreed."
"Your husband won’t back you up on that???"
"If he cared so much, he could have stayed home, right?"
"Anyway, your daughter chose."
"She agreed to wait a day and then changed her mind."
"She probably already had a plan with her friends if she was planning on Boston the day before."
"It is what it is."
"She turned down your generous offer to take a friend."
"She decided that wasn’t as good as the plans with her friends."
"She’s 17, and still a kid."
"She doesn’t comprehend what goes into taking care of a household, and that plans will change if something happens to your house."
"Your in-laws' comments don’t matter."
"If their septic system started backing up, they wouldn’t have the free time to judge your parenting."
"You were taking care of literal shit while they indulged the narrative of an annoyed 17-year-old."
"NTA." ~ Potential_Shoe1068
"NTA. I have a 17-year-old daughter, and although she has many excellent qualities, she does sometimes seem to expect our plans to revolve around her."
"I realized this when she was 16, and have been trying to course correct since then."
"You did nothing wrong."
"She had the option to go to Boston (and even bring a friend), and she declined."
"If she already had firm plans for the rescheduled day you went to Boston, I would say you could have picked another day that worked with her schedule."
"She woke up, didn't feel like going to Boston, and made last-minute plans with friends."
"That's okay, but your plans don't need to revolve around her last-minute whims."
"I wouldn't usually call her TA, but complaining about it to your MIL and SILs was unnecessary." ~ ColdFIREBaker
"NTA. You mentioned going the next day, she agreed, changed her mind, and decided to go with friends, and expected you to just stay at home because she decided to do something different?"
"I think she was enthusiastic about Boston, but since she had to wait a day, she wasn't into going."
"That's okay."
"But to expect you not to is selfish."
"She also needs to learn not to go crying to grandma and her aunts." ~ Ordinary-Audience363
Reddit is with you, OP.
Your daughter doesn't own Boston.
She had options.
You deserved a nice day.
Enjoy your travels.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp